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The Confessions of an Adolescence Werewolf to a Teenage Hybrid?Thing

Summary:
2nd place Winner of Nessie Oneshot Challenge! It was a letter to his beloved. It was about his past love- it was her mom... It's just not a love triangle anymore...


Notes:
We survived Hurricane Ike! Yay! So we were walking surveying falling debris when this idea popped into our head! So hah! We're original! And we own NOTHING! Seriously! Ike took it away! ;D


1. The Confessions of an Adolescence Werewolf to a Teenage Hybrid?Thing

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1700   Review this Chapter

Renesme, or Nessie the Loch Ness Monster as she liked to be called, Carlie Cullen had discovered a hobby. With her family off doing unspeakable things and Jacob and the pack doing pest control in the sewers of Seattle, she needed a hobby, and what better hobby for a teenage hybrid…thing than to be baking cookies. Not just any cookies either, blood-soaked-carrot-pineapple-macadamian nut-dog biscuit- cookies.

She never did work out the kinks.

Unfortunately or fortunately for her, she soon discovered the she was not wearing oven mitts. How horrible, vampire venom was highly flammable! And so was human/vampire hybrid skin! As quickly as a hybrid…thing could dash, she arrived into her room and grabbed her homemade cotton mitts, which were also flammable. Sitting on her desk, or the pile of crap on her desk to be more accurate, was a neatly folded letter that was not there before. Like everyone always said, ‘Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.’ Nessie began happily tearing the envelope open, which revealed a bunch of scraggly notebook paper with scrunched up handwriting.

Unfortunately or fortunately for her, she began to read.

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My Dearest Nessie,

My love for you knows no bounds, but you are only technically 9. And for that awkward reason, there are things I have to tell you that only I can tell you. Well some of the things your parents can tell you, but lets not put them in that position. It wouldn’t be fun for you or them. Hell, it is not even that fun for me, but since this is a letter, it’s easier for me to tell you without you biting off my face. Now let’s begin…

To say I wasn’t attracted to you would be a lie, and to say that I didn’t want to bang your mom would be a lie too. And since this is a confession of sorts, yes Nessie, I was attracted to your mom. Now pause for a moment and reflect, because it gets worse, much worse.

The first moment I laid eyes on Bella, I spat in her face. Or so my dad tells me. Don’t blame me, I was two and she had cooties.

Then fourteen years later, I came in contact with your mom again. She bought my dad’s old beat up ancient piece of crap of a truck. I guess she was desperate. At least I didn’t have to suffer the ridicule of that thing when I went to school. We were at some loser’s party and she came on to me. Don’t blame her. I was, strike that, still am a sexy beast...

Then I was lucky that our T.V. broke so that I could have the excuse to go over to her house because my dad wanted to watch the game playing that night. He still doesn’t know that I was the one who broke it…. She looked even prettier then, or so I thought at the time. You’re now the prettiest girl in my life, even though Angelina Jolie has bigger boobs than you.

A few months later I heard that she fell down some stairs in Phoenix. Yeah, stairs…sure, and I actually believed it at the time. That was a good cover story…then I discovered vampires, but that’s for a later part of this letter….

My dad bribed me to go to her high school prom to warn her about your dad. Since I didn’t have a date that went to that school, heck I didn’t have a date at all, I had to sneak in, which actually wasn’t that hard. They need better security at that school. Of course, it would’ve been awkward if your grandpa had shown up there. Anyways, she looked so hot in that dress. I had some very inappropriate fantasies about her… well use your imagination- no wait don’t! When I asked her to dance, your dad had hissy fit, or at least I knew he wanted to. He’s a strong man, I have to give him that, even though I have more muscles. He flicked me off later that night when your mom wasn’t looking, and then he threatened to castrate me with a blunt spoon.

Then that next year your dad broke up with your mom. I know, it’s hard to believe because he loves her so much, but apparently that’s why he did it. It’s beyond me. I always thought it was because it was an abusive relationship, but maybe it was just me he abused. Hmmm…. Then we started hanging out- me and your mom, not me and your dad. That wouldn’t have turned out very well. We did a lot of experimenting on motorcycles… just motorcycles, sadly. Nothing ever happened like I wished it would. Back then of course. You’re the only one for me now. And really I had a lot of chances, her being an emo grieving chick and all, but that would’ve resulted in you, and that would have been creepy.

Then Bella got the crazy idea to jump off a cliff, in the rain, by herself, to hear ‘voices’. Your parents are crazy. Please get them much needed help. This resulted in your yet again crazy almost 4 foot aunt seeing your mom ‘commit suicide‘, and your dad ‘following the lead’. This is why you should not play follow the leader. The leader usually has no idea where they’re going.

When they came back from their 3 day ‘reunion’, they were more in love than ever, which sucked for me, because they were making kissy faces, holding hands, and talking about weird old guys with papery skin, which actually wasn’t that romantic, but was very creepy.

I avoided her for the next few weeks because seeing them all kissy facey was… you can find an adjective for that. Let’s just say not pretty. Even now it’s still disturbing to watch them be all romantic and stuff with their ’I love you’ ‘No I love you more’ ‘No I love you more’ which leads them into a fight in the bedroom or so you think. Lets not go there.

But soon I realized that I was the only guy in my grade without a girlfriend, which sucked because the only girl I had the hots for was dating a living corpse that ate people… alive…raw. Your dad had problems back then. He still does. So I decided I had to fight for my woman! Even if I had to beat your dad off with a stick, a long stick. I didn’t want to touch him. He had cooties, frozen cooties.

It turned out I didn’t have to beat him with a stick, though I would’ve like to. Instead I just had to catch your mom off guard by professing my love to her, and then make out with her against her will. Yes tongue action was involved, although someone’s tongue was not moving. Can you guess who’s? Then she punched me and broke her hand. Don’t worry. My sexy beastly face was fine.

Then the next month I tried a different tactic. I threatened suicide by newborn vamp-attacks. This worked much better! I got some action, both tongues were moving! Then I got my spine crushed. I’m fine though, except I can’t move my tail anymore….

Then your mom and I had a heartfelt talk about our feelings, and she broke up with me, though we were never together. She liked cannibals better apparently.

But I love you more. Although none of us really did at first, except for your mom… and Blondie, but she’s always been psycho, especially that time when I got food in her hair. But do you know who hated you most? Your dad, duh!

Remember when I mentioned your dad was crazy? Here’s proof. He asked- no, begged- me to get your mom pregnant, and not the medical way. The old-fashioned way. He really didn’t want her to have you. While she was pro-life, he was pro-choice, his choice. I can see why he didn’t have a real girlfriend for over a hundred years. Can you say possessive? The forty-year old virgin seems like a slutnext to him.

And then when Bella was in labor, she was naked, but I didn’t look. Aren’t you proud of me?! Well, I can’t say I was really that self-controlled. She was just really fat and bloody, and that just isn’t hot. It’s just like watching the discovery channel when a whale gives birth. I just did not want that image in my head. So when I was giving her CPR, I didn’t think of it like kissing at all. Her lips tasted like blood for heaven’s sake! Though that probably would’ve made your dad enjoy kissing her even more. That’s why you were created in the first place. He enjoyed things too much to have any self control left.

Then, when I first laid eyes on you, not when you came out because I hated you then, I imprinted on you, and now I have major hots for you, not your mom anymore.

I hope you don’t get any wrong ideas about my feelings for your mom. I was a hormonal teenager, after all. I just want us to have an honest heartfelt relationship. Oh who am I kidding? That’s cornier than what I said to your mom after a stupid movie she took me to.

I just want to say, Nessie, no matter what, I love you. I love you Renesmee Carlie Cullen. I love you…even more than your parents love sex.

Your sexy beast,

Jacob

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Unfortunately or fortunately for Nessie, she stopped reading after the first paragraph. The cookies had begun to burn. However, as soon as Nessie left the premises, everyone’s favorite cannibal, let’s call him ‘E’, discovered that he left his car keys in the pile of crap on his daughter’s desk.

He found them swiftly, but not before discovering an opened letter on Nessie’s desk that seemed to scream ‘Read Me!’ at him in a manly voice. Like they say, ‘Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.’

So Edward Cullen began to read.