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Bachelor

Summary:
All of the Cullens think that Edward is lonely, so they set up a bachelor show for him to be on.


Notes:
Everyone has always thought Edward needed a girlfriend before Bella came along.


2. Applications

Rating 0/5   Word Count 1422   Review this Chapter

“Do we really have to go through all of these applications, Emmett?” Edward asks. The pile on the table seemed bigger than he remembered it last being. Was it possible that it had grown over their two-day hunting trip? Maybe there had been more in the kitchen that Emmett hadn’t brought in before the trip that someone else had taken the liberty of bringing in. Rosalie, maybe, just to make him mad. Or possibly Esme, because she was very worried about Edward being lonely. She would really support this whole bachelor thing. Yes, probably Esme. Or maybe it was just that all of those mountain lions were messing with Edward’s head. He had hunted down and sucked the life from five of them!

“Yes, we do,” Emmett answers him.

“Why? There’s so many!”

“I’ve seen you over the years. Face it, Edward. You are very picky when it comes to women. I bet you won’t find one girl you think is good enough for you and your high standards in a hundred of these letters.”

“A hundred?! How many letters are there, exactly?” Edward is a little bit frightened to know the number as he asks the question. But it’s too late. Emmett has already thought the answer.

“What?! Seven thousand two hundred seventy-two letters?” Edward exclaims.

“I know. I’m really surprised at how little people responded, considering I asked fifteen thousand girls to send in applications. I guess not too many girls are into blind date- bachelor type stuff.”

“You asked fifteen thousand girls to send in applications?! Are you crazy?! Wait, I already know the answer to that. Yes. Yes you are.”

“Thanks so much. I’m only trying to help you out. Being alone for as long as you have been cannot be healthy,” Emmett says.

“Well how would you know anything about what is or is not healthy? Shouldn’t Carlisle be the one to make that judgment?” Edward asks Emmett.

“I’m pretty sure it isn’t, Edward. Although it hasn’t been medically proven. Yet,” Carlisle calls from his office, where he is reading through book after book trying to find the answer. If anyone is going to prove whether loneliness is healthy or not, it’s going to be Carlisle. After all, he has been studying Edward for over a decade now. He’s hoping that there will be some better change in him after he has picked a girl from this whole bachelor thing so that he will have some proof.

Emmett has a triumphant look on his face from Carlisle‘s agreement. “Now will you stop delaying this? Lets start reading about what could possibly be your future soul mate already!”

“What makes you think my future soul mate would be in one of these letters? What makes you think I even have a future soul mate?”

“Everyone has a soul mate, Edward. You just seem to be taking an abnormally long time in finding yours,” Emmett tells him. Really, Edward’s single status has gone on for far too long. “It’s a good thing you became a vampire because, even if you would’ve lived a normal life span and not have died from that influenza, you would have probably still died alone. No offense, but look at you. You’ve went on all of one date in your existence, and that’s just because you wanted to prove to Tanya it would never work out even if you gave it a try. You’re pathetic, Edward.”

“Okay. Let’s say I do have a soul mate out there somewhere. What on Earth makes you think that a bachelor show would be the way to meet her. Do you seriously think my type would be someone who would enter a bachelor contest?”

“Oh, quit being such a pessimist, Edward. Look on the bright side. Even if you don’t find anyone you want to be with in this gigantic pile, it will still be a fun experience.”

“A fun experience for who? I know it won’t be fun for me.”

“Stop being so self-centered. I was talking about me!” He takes a letter out of the pile on the table. “Now, are you going to open this letter, or do I have to do it for you?”

After a long evil glare at Emmett, Edward takes the letter out of Emmett’s hand unwillingly and timidly tears it open. Who knows what information might lie inside?

“No,” Edward says, yet again. He and Emmett have gone through seventy-three applications already and not one of them has been good enough for Edward. It’s just like a rich guy to think he’s too good for others.

“Why not?” Emmett is starting to get a little ticked, at Edward and himself. Why couldn’t Edward find at least one girl suitable for him already? And why didn’t Emmett really make something out of it when he had bet that Edward wouldn’t find one girl he liked in a hundred of the letters? It looked like he wouldn’t. It would be a very regretful experience, or non-experience, to miss out on a chance to watch Edward do something very embarrassing.

“Emmett, she wrote that she loathes any type of music. She would hate it whenever I played my piano. I can’t just stop playing my piano. Annie is a huge part of my life.” Edward gets up and walks over to his piano. “Don’t worry Annie. I won’t let anyone get in the way of us. No I won’t.”

“Edward, quit making silly promises to your piano and get back over here. This is so sad. The closest thing you’ve ever come to feeling passionate love for is an inanimate object. You don’t need any more proof than that to tell that being alone for too long is unhealthy. And don’t you know that there’s expected to be some differences between soul mates. You haven’t been expecting to find someone exactly like you, have you? That’s not why you haven’t been able to find a woman and be in a decent relationship in, well, lets face it, ever, has it? Because being with someone exactly like you would be very creepy. Whenever you make out, it would be like making out with yourself, because for that person to be exactly like you, that person would have to be a man.” Emmett shudders at the thought of Edward kissing a guy. “I mean, haven’t you ever heard the saying opposites attract?”

Edward shudders, too, because the picture in Emmett‘s mind, which is showing Edward making out with another Edward, is creeping him out more than it is creeping out Emmett. “I know we’re not going to have everything in common. But I refuse to give up Annie,” he tells Emmett. The thought of not having Annie in his life almost makes him cringe.

“Fine. We’ll keep looking.” After two or three more letters Emmett comes upon one that seemed like it would be Edward’s type. “Edward, read this one.” He hands it over to Edward, and as he is reading, fills him in on what the application says. “It says she loves to read, like you, she knows thirty-two different languages, and she likes taking on academic challenges. If you say no to her you’re absolutely hopeless.”

Of course Edward already knows everything the application says, because he was reading it as Emmett was through Emmett’s mind, and he seems to think that by what it says, she is a perfect match. Emmett is right for once. Edward would be stupid to turn her down. “Okay, Leslie’s in.”

“Finally! Hopefully we can find you 10 more.”

After finding three more suitable girls in seven hundred forty-four more applications, Edward comes upon a very disturbing application. It wasn’t just the fact that, for some strange and unexplainable reason, this girl would only drink the blood of pure Germans, or that she had a compulsive disorder that made her dance the tango with her prey before devouring them. No, there was an even more odd, and slightly disturbing, fact in the application.

“Emmett?”

“Yes, Edward?”

“What does feline-sexual mean?” Edward asks Emmett timidly, not really sure he wants to know the answer.

“What?”

“It says in this girl’s essay that she is feline-sexual. What does that mean?”

Emmett quickly scans over the application in Edward’s hand, seeing the odd stuff about this girl’s hunting habits before finding the feline-sexual comment. “I don’t know, Edward. I don’t know.” Emmett is freaked out by what he just read, too. “Let’s put this in the NO pile.”

“I’m fine with that,” Edward agrees.

Finally, after two whole days of going through applications, Emmett and Edward finally find 11 suitable ones.

“It’s time to invite the girls."