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I Never Existed

Summary:
After Edward leaves Bella in order to protect her, Bella lies in a state of manic depression. Things could never be worse for her. She relies on self mutilation as a way to survive. Can Jacob Black save her? When Edward returns, can he move past his guilt and help her? Can Bella be healed after becoming completely broken? I don't think I need to warn people about the content of my writing, but I DO think I should mention that this is a very deep story. I really hope you like it.


Notes:
Any criticism is welcomed. I had a lot of fun writing this am I'm pleased with how it turned out.


1. Overwhelmed

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Bella’s POV

Overwhelmed

I wonder how long I was out there. Everything feels like a

complete blur. I only remember being carried by a

stranger...hearing unfamiliar voices. I’m still cold from the rain. I

didn’t bother to get out of my wet clothes. Why does it even matter

now? Who cares if I’m uncomfortable and cold? My life will be

unbearable from this point on anyway. I don’t understand

why...what I did wrong to make him leave. Of course I know why he

left. I’m just a human. I’m not anything comparable to a vampire.

I’m not graceful or beautiful. I’m just a weak amusement. I

hate...everything. That’s not true. I still love him. I should only hate

myself.

I hear a light tap on the door. I leave my tears on my cheeks,

he knows I’m crying anyway.

“Yeah, Dad?” I manage to choke out. My throat feels

completely dry.

He hesitates at the door, knowing how awkward this moment

will be. Then he enters with more blankets and concerned eyes.

“I thought you’d need a couple more blankets.” He lightly

says. He doesn’t meet my eyes. He only searches my bed, seeing me

lying in my soaking clothes, shoes still on. “You need to change,

Bells...it’s not worth it to get pneumonia.”

“It’s worth it to me,” I spit sourly then softer, “please

Charlie...just leave me alone.”

He gets up slowly and reaches a hand out to me then pulls it

back, feeling my sadness. He reaches the door and without turning

he whispers softly, “I hope you know that no matter who you are or

what you do, I will always love you. Nothing could change that.”

What a great reminder. What did I do? Who am I? I don’t

know anymore. I can barely wait for him to creak down the hall

before the tears spill down my face again. I whip up from the bed

and change my clothes quickly. If I get sick I’ll have to spend all my

time in this room...where he always held me. I pull on my sweats

and a tank top and sit on my floor. I can’t get up. I can only hold

my legs into my chest and sob. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so

loud...so hard in my life. I notice a pain in my arms and realize I’m

digging my nails into my skin. Then all of the sudden I punch my

wall. I feel small spasms of pain radiate up my arm. My knuckles go

white. I breathe deep and feel a little calmer. That was a dumb thing

to do. I’ve never felt so angry...so sad. I crawl into my bed and hold

my pillow against my face. It’s okay to scream, Bella, I think. So I

do. And my throat feels it as it goes raw. I know Charlie won’t

come back. I cry so hard and long that I miraculously fall asleep.

But my head knows it won’t be peaceful.