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I Never Existed

Summary:
After Edward leaves Bella in order to protect her, Bella lies in a state of manic depression. Things could never be worse for her. She relies on self mutilation as a way to survive. Can Jacob Black save her? When Edward returns, can he move past his guilt and help her? Can Bella be healed after becoming completely broken? I don't think I need to warn people about the content of my writing, but I DO think I should mention that this is a very deep story. I really hope you like it.


Notes:
Any criticism is welcomed. I had a lot of fun writing this am I'm pleased with how it turned out.


3. Interruption

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1207   Review this Chapter

Interruption

What month is it now? I picked my head up from my desk to look at the calendar hanging on the white board. March? It’s March? It’s been half of a year since stopped existing? I guess that is right, even though it has felt much longer than that. Is this really how the rest of my life is going to go? I put my head back down on my desk until the final bell rang.

I walked to my truck just like every other day. I backed out of the parking place just like every other day. And I left the parking lot just like every other day. But I didn’t turn left at the first stop sign just like every other day. I turned right. Then I just kept driving. I found myself at a little beach. I got out of the truck and sat on a long deceased tree. It was the closest thing to a bench. I took off my shoes and let my toes squish in the sand. The sky was covered in gray and the wind was lightly blowing my hair around my face. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I started to think about “the room”. That’s what I called it. It was a place where I felt safe. I imagined it as a dark infinite space where I could lay down in peace. Nothing could hurt me there, and no bad feelings were allowed. It was my place. It felt good. It started to storm then. I leaned my head back and let the thick drops fall on my face. I let it soak my hair and clothes. I knew this would bring back memories of him though. He always said my hair smelled good in the rain. I immediately left my room and went back to the beach. I opened my eyes to see lighting shooting recklessly throughout the sky. It was beautiful in a sad way. Sadness. I lifted my jacket sleeve up slowly to see multiple red lines across my arm. I touched the raised lines and let the rain discover them. It helped the burning go away.

I felt a hand touch the back of my shoulder and I ripped my sleeve back down. I shot a look behind me to see Jacob Black as he sat down on the log next to me.

“It’s been almost a year,” he said.

I panicked. I don’t talk to people. What should I do? I guess that he doesn’t know what’s been going on. He doesn’t know they left me.

He doesn’t know I’m broken. He doesn’t know anything.

That’s it. He doesn’t know anything. I can be who I want to be.

“Has it? That’s longer than I ever meant it to be,” I said. It sounded stupid.

“How have things been?” he asked. He sounded too interested for his own good.

What do I say to that? I haven’t been good. I haven’t been fine. I haven’t been surviving.

“They’ve...been,” I said. Lame, lame, lame. Put some effort into it for crying out loud. “They’ve been...fine” I pushed out. I’m a joke.

“That’s good...what’re you doing up here on the reservation? I haven’t seen you up here since you came up with your friends.”

Oh yeah, when I found out about...Edward and started this whole mess, I spit in my head. It was the first time I had thought his name since he left.

“That’s right. That was a good day,” I lied.

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes. A couple of minutes that felt like years. It was awkward to say the least.

“You seem upset, Bella,” he softly said, a crease in between his brow.

I shrugged. “I’m fine. I just went for a drive and ended up here.”

“Maybe you were meant to end up here,” he hinted with a smile.

“Maybe,” he seemed so young but...”you’ve grown a lot” I added. Everything about him was longer. His cheeks were less round, you could see his jawbone and cheekbones. His arms showed wirey veins that went up to his biceps. He was stronger.

He noticed me noticing him when he added, “Well you’ve shrunk a lot. You look smaller...and skinnier.”

I had lost 10 pounds this year. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I tried to hide in baggy clothes. I guess I didn’t fool everyone. “I like to keep in shape,” I lied.

“You were already in shape...want to get some food?” he asked.

Great, now I have to prove I’m a working, eating girl with no problems. He was testing me.

“Sure,” I agreed.

He brought me back to his place where we ate spaghetti with Billy. I was afraid he’d notice the same things Jacob did, but I don’t think he caught on. I ate half the plate despite the fact that I had no appetite. Jacob looked amazed. Then he asked if I wanted to see his workshop. I followed him to the back where he showed me his work.

“It’s a Volkswagen Rabbit,” he beamed like I knew what that could possibly mean.

I smiled and nodded as he talked more about it. Then he paused quietly. He looked like he was thinking hard about something.

“Do you think you’ll come back to see me after today?” he asked. I hadn’t thought about it I guess. But I hadn’t thought about Edward since I got here, and that was nice. It didn’t feel as lonely. It didn’t feel like such a bad interruption from wallowing in complete sadness.

“Sure, Jacob...I’d like that,” I replied. He smiled and seemed satisfied. “But I should probably get home to Charlie. He couldn’t cook if his life depended on it,” I made a joke...that was an improvement.

He thought hard again. He looked worried this time. I wondered what it was about.

“Are you still dating Edward Cullen?” he pushed out. God, I could barely hear one of those names let alone hearing both together. It stung. I didn’t know how to reply, but I knew he could read me better than that.

“It’s...complicated, Jake. I...” I started.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked softly.

I lingered on that for a moment. “He...had to move away,” I said, protecting him. Besides, it was something I had done anyway. He didn’t want me.

Jacob nodded to himself. “I wouldn’t hurt you like that, Bella. I’ll help you.”

I slowly got up. I can’t do this. “I really need to go to Charlie. He doesn’t even know where I am. Thanks for dinner,” I began to walk away. He followed me and took my hand. I flinched away. No one had touched me since...

“Sorry,” he started. “I’m not pushing anything. You just seem...really lonely.”

“I’ll come back tomorrow after school. Is that okay?” I asked.

“Of course, I’ll be here,” he said.

I drove home slowly. It was still raining and the lights on my old truck were dim. I slammed my truck door when I heard the front door open. Charlie ran down the front steps and took me in a tight embrace.

“Oh God,” he started, “Where were you, Bella? I thought you...” I didn’t let him finish.

“I was at Jacob Black’s house. I ate dinner with him and Billy. Then Jacob showed me his garage and...” then he didn’t let me finish.

“Oh...that’s great Bells. Really great,” a wide smile crept across his face.