I Never Existed
After Edward leaves Bella in order to protect her, Bella lies in a state of manic depression. Things could never be worse for her. She relies on self mutilation as a way to survive. Can Jacob Black save her? When Edward returns, can he move past his guilt and help her? Can Bella be healed after becoming completely broken? I don't think I need to warn people about the content of my writing, but I DO think I should mention that this is a very deep story. I really hope you like it.
Any criticism is welcomed. I had a lot of fun writing this am I'm pleased with how it turned out.
4. Opening Up
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How could I expect that school would be better today? It’s not like I healed overnight. In fact it was just the opposite. I hurt myself again. Just a little. One measly line. I did it this morning before school. I had another nightmare. Edward was lying in my bed and I woke up and then he jumped out the window. Then the crying and screaming started all over again. To have him for one second was enough, yet it hurt to have him at all. Especially since he left again. I couldn’t take it. That’s why I hate sleeping. No matter what, the worst of the worse happens. The line burned under my long sleeved shirt, something I was used to wearing now. It was a constant reminder all day that he was there, in my head again. Don’t let it happen again, I thought.
School went unbearably slow today. I just wanted to go to Jacob’s again. I hoped that he wouldn’t ask personal questions this time. Maybe I should just keep asking about his car. It seemed to be like something he could talk about all day.
So I did. But he wasn’t having it. He kept asking me about my life. Asking who I hung out with and what I did all day. I couldn’t even think of lies to tell him. I was completely speechless.
“He hurt you pretty bad, did he?” he asked.
What would be the point of lying? If I wanted Jake in my life at all I’d have to explain sometime anyway. But I couldn’t speak. I just nodded.
“Did he leave you on purpose?” he asked.
“What a moron,” he replied.
I shook my head.
“You don’t think so? You forgive him?” he sounded appalled.
“No,” I finally spoke, “It’s what he wanted. He didn’t want me anymore. I couldn’t keep him here if it’s not where he wanted to be.”
Now he shook his head. “He is a moron...at least I think so. You should, too. You’re...beautiful. Every part of you.”
He reached out and stroked the back of my hand once. He knew that was enough. I didn’t flinch. It felt okay. It was enough. Almost too much, but not enough to scare me. I knew he was lying anyway.
We hung out everyday. Every single day. He was a good distraction. I wonder what Edward was doing to distract himself. I bet he found someone new by now. It was easy to feel content around Jacob. He was always cracking jokes and trying to keep my mind off things. Sometimes I let him know what I was thinking. But it just didn’t feel right. I didn’t want it to be his problem. I didn’t want to make things complicated with us. I like how I feel around him, but when I got home it always got bad again.
I still made Charlie dinner every night. I never ate with him, and when he asked why I told him I ate with Jacob and Billy everyday.
“Yeah, well I asked Billy if you were eating dinner with them and he said you told him you were eating dinner with me every night. So that doesn’t completely match up does it?” he said.
Ouch. “I’m never hungry for dinner, Charlie. Besides, I think I’m old enough to know when I’m hungry and going to eat, don’t you?” I replied.
“Bella, you’ve been going over to Jake’s house for almost a month. That means you haven’t eaten dinner in almost a month. You’re wearing away Bells, I can hardly recognize you. You’re skin and bones!” he almost shouted.
“I do eat Dad...when I’m hungry. And I’m not hungry, so please...stop.” I pleaded. This was getting ugly. I really didn’t have an excuse for my weight loss. We both knew why. Only he thought it was a stupid reason when I didn’t. I pushed myself away from the table and stomped up the stairs. I heard him mumble something as I left but I didn’t want to know what or who he was talking about.
I did it again. I counted the lines on my arm. Twelve? That wasn’t as much as about a month ago, but it was still a lot. It was easy to cover up with the weather. I was lucky that way. It looked pretty to me now. I didn’t have anyone to blame but myself. He left because I wasn’t good enough, which I told him in the first place. He could have spared my feelings, but he was...perfect. Just...perfect. Why did I even try? Jacob was wrong. I am the moron. Not Edward. I’m a complete idiot. Twelve turned to thirteen fast.
There, lucky thirteen.
I woke up and realized it was a Saturday. Great, that means there’s more time in my day to spare, meaning I have to find something time consuming to do. I decided to call Jacob and see what his plans were, already knowing that he’d want to see me.
“Do you really have to ask, Bells?” he asked, laughing.
“Well, I don’t know I mean you do have your friends. Like Quil and Embry. Maybe you want to do something with them,” I hinted. Even though I wanted him to be with me today.
“Nah, you’re prettier,” he joked.
“Well,” I started, I didn’t know what to say, “I’ll be up there soon then.” I never knew what to say when he said things like that. I knew he was just trying to be nice.
I drove up there as fast as my truck would let me, which wasn’t fast enough. I just wanted to be out of the house. Even though Charlie’s truck was gone, I felt like he would smother me with questions all over again. When I got up to the reservation, Jacob was sitting outside waiting for me. He ran to the truck to open the door for me. I really wasn’t nice enough to this boy. He was too good to me. Better than I deserved. I felt almost completely comfortable with him, and that was something I didn’t think would happen with anyone at all.
“Do you want to go on a walk?” he asked. I guess he didn’t know that I tend to stumble on anything and everything that my foot can find, but it would be a pleasant change than sitting in the garage. I nodded and followed him into the forest near his home. We didn’t go too far before he stopped and motioned for me to sit with him on a fallen tree. I joined him and looked up. The trees were perfectly green and the light shined through. The light hit all of the perfect parts of the forest. It was beautiful. I looked at Jacob and he was...beautiful too. How come I hadn’t noticed him get get taller? And more...muscular? His eyes burned into mine and he took my hand. I flinched away but he held on.
“What’s wrong with this?” he asked. I looked down.
“I just...” I couldn’t finish. It felt wrong to touch him at all. I felt like I was betraying Edward...even when he was the one to leave me.
“It’s because I’m not him isn’t it?” he started. I didn’t want him to feel like that. It’s not that Jacob wasn’t good enough for me.
“Trust me Jake, I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m too...messed up right now to even--”
“I’m not asking you to marry me or anything, Bella. I just want to hold your hand. That’s all,” he pleaded. What a beautiful voice. It was compelling. I nodded. I guess it was okay. Besides, his hand was so warm that I wanted to wrap myself in him. Not lovingly, but because it was so cold today. I don’t know why he picked today to come here. I guess it was just to hold my hand.
“Do you think that...” he started and began again, ”do you think that there will ever be room for me in your heart, Bella?” he asked in a husky voice. He began to breathe a little faster. I did, too.
Why did he have to torture me like this?
“Jacob...you know that I’m not ready for anything like that,” I answered honestly.
“I didn’t ask if you were ready now. I asked if you would ever want me,” he explained.
“I don’t know Jake,” I said, though I really knew the answer. No.
He pushed himself off the log and faced me, his hand still in mine. Then he reached his other hand up and lifted my chin up. I jerked my head to the side. He lifted his other hand and placed both on either side of my face. He stared deep into my eyes and said, “Bella, I will never hurt you. I will never leave you. Never.”
It hurt so much.
“I have to go,” I said, then pushed him away. Maybe it was true. Maybe he wouldn’t ever leave me. But he will never make me feel like Edward did. So why should I try? Why should he?
I left him there in the forest.