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I Never Existed

Summary:
After Edward leaves Bella in order to protect her, Bella lies in a state of manic depression. Things could never be worse for her. She relies on self mutilation as a way to survive. Can Jacob Black save her? When Edward returns, can he move past his guilt and help her? Can Bella be healed after becoming completely broken? I don't think I need to warn people about the content of my writing, but I DO think I should mention that this is a very deep story. I really hope you like it.


Notes:
Any criticism is welcomed. I had a lot of fun writing this am I'm pleased with how it turned out.


5. Crowded

Rating 0/5   Word Count 1563   Review this Chapter

Crowded

I got home from school and decided to get my homework done right away to keep myself busy. Then I made Charlie’s dinner early and left it hot on the counter. After that I went to hide in my bed again. When Charlie came home he came up to my room and tapped on the door. I knew he was wondering if I would eat with him. No. I heard him open the door so I pretended to be asleep. He came over and touched my cheek. Then he bent down and kissed my head and slowly crept out of my room.

He has never done anything like that before. I obviously don’t hide how I feel very well. I’m horrible. I started crying again, and the burn was there to remind me of all my other pains. I added another wound to the collection and fell asleep without bothering to clean myself up.

I had a dream that night. My arm hurt throughout it. I dreamt of myself sobbing, which wasn’t new. I saw myself cutting, but this time I couldn’t stop. I just kept bleeding and bleeding. I heard myself saying, “Stop it! I didn’t mean to! It was an accident,” and then I woke up.

I was on my side and I rolled on my back, trying to catch my breath. It was the most vivid dream I had ever had. Then I heard a voice whisper, “Bella”. I looked over and saw Jacob. It looked like he had been crying.

“What is it, Jake?” I asked, worried.

“Bella...you...” he whispered then touched my arm.

I pulled it back, panicking. Oh God...no. Please, I thought.

“Bella,” he whispered again, “let me see it. Please I won’t tell anyone.”

I had no idea what to do. I don’t want attention. God that’s why I didn’t tell anyone. Why would I want anyone to know about this? He got up and walked towards the door.

“Please don’t tell Charlie!” I begged.

“I’ll be back, Bella. Bathroom,” he explained.

I wasn’t sure if I should believe him. But I know he wouldn’t lie to me. So I told him I trust him. There, now he won’t tell Charlie. He came back and asked me to lay down. I did and and he held up a wet washcloth.

“Just close your eyes, Bella, please.” he asked. I did. He knew and there was nothing I could do about it. He lightly washed the dried blood off of my arm. Then he bandaged them up with white gauze. I didn’t need it because none of them were even bleeding, but I let him anyway. I know he wanted to take care of me. He was lying next to me, looking into my eyes as I was looking at his. I closed my eyes and then I felt his lips on mine. They were soft. It was just a peck. I opened my eyes and he looked just as scared as I did. I don’t know what I was feeling. I sat up and looked down. This was all wrong. He sat up too, my arm still in his strong hands. Then he took my face in his hands and bent his head down. I knew he deserved this. He had saved me, over and over again.

I closed my eyes and let him kiss me. At first it was slow, and soft. He held my neck with one hand, then added his other. Then, he made it more intimate then I ever meant it to be. He slowly slipped his tongue into my mouth and I had to kiss him back. I brought my hand up to hold his arm to me and put my other hand on his neck. He was so warm. Then I pulled away, breathless.

“We shouldn’t do this,” I said.

“Why, Bella? Why not?” he asked.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Jake. I--”

“I love you Bella. I do.” he said.

I was speechless. This is what I didn’t want. I’m such a monster. I don’t even deserve his friendship.

“You don’t have to love me. But I love you. Please just let me love you, Bella.” he pleaded.

I am truly a monster. I hate myself.

“Just lay down,” he said.

I did and he did too. He began to stroke my hair. I started crying then. I promised myself I’d never fall apart in front of anyone. He held me to his chest.

“Cry, Bella. It’s okay,” he said. He held tighter. I let it out. I held onto him too. I held so tight that I was probably hurting him.

I fell asleep like that. Crying in his arms. I woke up to see him still laying there. He was sleeping still. I got up and went to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. My face was red and dried with tears. I looked crappier than usual. My hair was a mess. I was a mess. I brushed my teeth and went back to my room. He was awake and sitting up. I wasn’t sure if I should sit on the bed or if it would be awkward. He held a hand out to me, clearly showing me that it was okay.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded, unsure of what to say. He held one of my fingers.

“I’m gonna make you breakfast. That’s what you need,” he smiled and started to get up.

“I’m not really hungry,” I insisted. He looked a little worried.

“Bells, your dad called me the other night. He told me you’ve been lying to him about eating, and lying to us, too I guess,” he admitted.

“That’s really not your business--or his, I eat when I’m hungry,” I said.

“Please just eat something for me, even something little,” he pleaded.

“Fine.” I said back. We went downstairs and he made me scrambled eggs. They were good but my stomach was so small that I could barely eat one egg. It made me feel sick. I was used to just nibbling. Eating made me feel so gross. It gave me a nervous feeling in my stomach.

“I have something I want to tell you Bella, or show you rather,” he said. I really hoped it hadn’t been anything about wanting to be in a relationship or anything. I thought he just wanted me to “let him love me”. I agreed and he brought me to a large field. He drove me really far away just to get there. Then we sat down in the grass and he took my hand.

“Do you think that you would accept me, no matter who or what I am?” he asked. He sounded really unsure of himself. I was a little scared of what he was going to tell me.

“Always, Jake.” I let him know. He breathed deep.

“Do you remember when I told you about the Quileute legends?” he asked, fear still in his voice. I nodded.

“Well, I know that you know about vampires...but there’s something I have to tell you about me.”

I waited.

“Okay,” he started, “I’m...a...werewolf.” He was looking down. I didn’t know what to say. I mean I believed him but I really am a danger magnet. Just as Edward always said.

“Will you show me?” I asked him. He nodded and got up.

“I’ll be right back,” he said. I asked why and he told me he had to undress to do it. He went into the trees and in a matter of moments a red-brown wolf emerged from the trees. But he wasn’t a regular wolf. He wasn’t dog-sized, but horse sized. A giant wolf. I couldn’t believe it. He slowed to a walk and approached me. I reached out my hand and he pushed his head into it. I smiled and he licked my face.

“Ew, gross Jake,” I said. He chuckled and laid down. Then I sat against him, petting him. I started scratching him and he hummed. After a while he got up and ran back to the forest. He soon came back out as himself again. I had questions. He sat beside me, almost looking ashamed.

“How long have you been like this?” I asked.

“A couple of months. Before you and I became friends,” he

answered.

“Is that why you cut your hair so short?” I asked again.

He nodded.

“Does it hurt to change?”

“No.”

“Are you the only one?” I asked.

“No, there’s more. You’ll see sometime.”

Silence. I think he was surprised that I was okay with it. He

probably expected me to run away. But I’d seen...other things. I bet I’ll meet a zombie next.

“You’re so pretty when you smile,” he said.

I looked over at him, confused.

“You smiled when I was a wolf. It was pretty. I haven’t seen you smile since before when...” he stopped himself.

Speechless again. He stood up and reached down to help me up. Then he took me home.