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Perspective

Summary:
Edward told Bella he had talked with his father and brothers regarding their wedding night. This is my version of that missing moment from between Eclipse and Breaking Dawn and includes what Edward and Bella do to prepare for their first night together as husband and wife.


Notes:


37. Chapter 37

Rating 5/5   Word Count 4208   Review this Chapter

Jasper was waiting for me when I arrived the house. But as much as I wanted to leave for our trip immediately, I had something I had to take care of first.

The food I’d eaten tonight felt like lead sitting in my stomach and although it would not force me to address it for a long while, it was uncomfortable. I wanted to be rid of it as soon as possible, and before Jasper and I left.

He did not question me, nor did I think he would, when I asked him if we could leave in half an hour. It was more than enough time to do what I needed, but I also wanted to put some distance between my family and myself. Again, it was not necessary, but polite nonetheless.

I found a spot roughly five miles from our home. The animals had scattered as soon as they’d caught my scent.

Closing my eyes, I concentrated on my stomach muscles. One of the nice things about being a vampire was the control of even the most internal areas of ones body. I could feel the food and where it sat inside. With two pulsing movements I felt it begin to move back up. And with a few more, I could once again taste it; the food now completely pulverized and mixed with my venom. Leaning over, I let the steak, potatoes, and green beans Bella cooked expel itself from my mouth.

Once again feeling myself, I headed back toward the house. The outline had just come into view, when I saw Jasper running towards me. Alice said you were ready to go. Of course. Alice. I nodded, and we took off through the trees at a steady pace.

We were earlier than usual getting to what had become our spot in the woods. The moon was high in the sky and the opening in the trees brought the light streaming down to the forest floor. It painted a relaxing picture, however I was anything but. I knew what I wanted out of tonight. The thought of asking Jasper for it, however, was not as easy as I would have liked.

He picked up on my anxiety. What is it?

I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and tried to calm myself. This was the last thing he needed to deal with tonight.

When I didn’t answer, he asked out loud. “Why are you nervous?”

Leaning back against the nearest tree, I took a deep breath, and faced my brother. “Logically, I know that asking you is no different than what we’ve been doing, but realistically, I know it is.”

Jasper’s curiosity was peaked by my statement. He was also very firm in his belief that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to help me. “You may change your mind,” I replied to his unspoken thoughts.

“I doubt it,” he answered.

“Okay,” I said, releasing a breath. “I am a little concerned that I have never…” I made sure I was looking him in the eye so he understood what I was about to say. “lost control.”

He didn’t move for a minute and then as soon as the realization of what I was saying registered, his face morphed into a mixer of disbelief and amusement. “Edward, you’ve never…”

Jasper left the sentence unfinished vocally, but internally he was trying to wrap his mind around it. Why was it so unbelievable that I’d never pleasured myself before? I was not unable to control myself; at least I hadn’t been until I’d met Bella. She, of course, had changed everything.

“Wow,” he finally said. “So I mean…if you want to know, why don’t you just…”

I was very aware of how awkward this was. And not just for me, but Jasper as well. “No. I can’t…I won’t.”

He cocked his head to the side, obviously not understanding. Why not?

“I am hers, Jasper. Everything I am is hers.”

“So you won’t…relieve some of this…” He waived his arm, clearly amused. “because you want your first time ever to be with her?”

“Something like that,” I answered. Pushing off of the tree, I began pacing. “I know to you it might not make sense, but it is one more thing I can give to her. One more part of my humanness that I am able to bestow.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess that makes sense. In a totally Edward way, of course,” he said smirking at me.

I let him have his laugh. The way I viewed things was often comical to my much more liberal brothers and sisters, but it was just who I was; time would not change that.

Finally he got control of his emotions and muttered, “Sorry.”

It was mute point, however, and not relevant to this evening in the least. “As I was saying…” I continued, “I thought it might be beneficial for me to at least experience the feelings involved vicariously through you.”

He immediately sobered. “You want me to…”

“I would prefer not having to experience a full length play by play, but an emotional experience of the event only. Do you think that is something you are able to do?”

In his mind, I could clearly see the doubts. I don’t know.

“Would you be willing to try?”

I knew he was wavering between his commitment to help me, and what I was asking. Eventually, his resolve firmed and I knew he would make the attempt. Although I wanted this, I would not have required it of him. He had already done more than enough to assist me with my goal.

“How do you want to start,” he asked.

Nodding, I took up a place in the center of the clearing, and lay flat on my back with my hands relaxed at my sides. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to ease into it; start as normal and then when you feel ready…” Again, I left my sentence unfinished. He knew what I meant and did not need me to spell it out for him.

I waited for his assent and then closed my eyes to begin.

My bedroom was the backdrop I chose for tonight’s musings. Bella lay on my bed facing me, her eyes watching. Her hair was spread out over the pillow behind her and I wanted to bury my face in it.

Walking to the side of the bed, her eyes continued to follow me, ever watchful. Carefully, I joined her on the bed. Somehow I knew I was not clothed, although Bella still wore her coverings; it was a tank top and a pair of shorts I’d seen her in many times. She lay unmoving, just watching me, waiting to see what I would do next.

My hand lifted to caress her face, and she leaned into my touch. Warmth. Bella.

There were so many things I wanted to do all at once, but I was determined to take my time. Bringing my face to the curve of her neck, I kissed my way down her collarbone to that intoxicating space between her breasts, and breathed deep.

I knew my memory was not doing justice to her, but it was enough to send my body tensing in reaction. Without holding back, one by one, I slid the straps of her top down her arms, pulling it until she was completely bare before me. Quick, shallow breaths made her chest rise and fall beneath my caress. Her nipples pebbled as I touched and kissing them.

The need to see all of her, to feel her completely against me as never before pushed me forward. My right hand went to the waistband of her shorts and pushed down. She lifted her hips to offer assistance, and soon the garment was gone. Bella lay before me as open and willing as she’d ever been and I could not suppress my desire.

My hands began roaming every curve it could reach, as my mouth captured her lips. The control I’d been trying so hard to maintain was slipping. Her skin under my hands was soft, giving. She moaned and moved beneath me.

There was something so basic to mating and yet it was a mix of so many complex emotions. I wanted her. I needed her. I loved her. My reason for being. My life.

I felt the pressure building and my touch becoming rougher, more urgent. Somewhere in my mind Jasper’s presence registered, and I knew most of what I was now feeling was coming from him. Bella and I had never been in this position, and wouldn’t until the time came. But he was doing as I’d requested and sending me feelings I had never had the want to experience before her.

There was one sole desire pulsing through me, and that was to be inside her. To feel her heat surrounding me was the only thing I wanted in that moment.

With as deep a breath as I could manage, I positioned myself between her legs. She opened herself up to me, and without any father thought I pressed forward.

Jasper seemed to be keeping up with the situation and I felt a wave of something new. It was a mixer of possessiveness and love and raw animalistic hunger. The intensity of it scared me, but I forced myself to press on. I needed this.

It had not escaped my notice that my hands were no longer lying flat on the dirt at my side. I’d long ago went past where I’d usually stop, but I didn’t think I could do this twice, and I wouldn’t ask it of my brother.

I tried hard to focus on what I was doing, but it was impossible. Suddenly, I felt a surge of pressure. It was almost a burning, but it didn’t hurt. A deep rumble began in my chest, and my upper lip pulled back reveling my teeth. My entire body was on fire, and I was thankful I didn’t need breath because I wasn’t capable of a solid one. I could feel everything and nothing at the same time. It was maddening.

And then the pressure in my groin increased even more. I felt like I was going to explode!

The rumble in my chest would no longer be silenced and came ripping out of me as my head fell back. I felt like I was climbing…something, and…

My eyes flew opened. “STOP!” I gasped as loud as was possible.

Every muscle in my body locked down against the force by sheer will. Turning over, I buried my face in the dirt. I’d almost. How could I…

The cool moisture of the soil seeped through my lungs as I tried to calm myself. I could no longer hear Jasper. He must have felt it best to flee, allow me to get control of myself on my own, and I didn’t blame him. It was for the best.

I stayed where I was for a long time, making sure I was once again in complete control of myself. Tilting my head to the side, I saw deep handprints in almost every area of the soil around me. Bella.

If I had been able to cry, I would have. Please don’t let me hurt her.

~

Daylight was already filtering through the trees by the time I forced myself to move. My body still did not feel completely like my own as I began to make my way back.

Jasper had not returned, and I imagined, hoped, he was with Alice. I wanted to be with Bella, but my mind and body were not cooperating.

Several times along the way I stopped trying to feel like myself once again, but no matter how hard I tried the fear I’d been suppressing over the last few weeks would not go away. What if that had been Bella?

Feeling the catch in my throat once again, I leaned over and forced several deep unneeded breaths to move through my lungs. It would be okay. We would be okay. The agreement was to try. We could always stop if…

Would I be able to stop?

Every muscle clenched in revolution to that possibility and another dry sob made its way through my lips.

~

It took me until mid-morning before I made it back to the house. I needed to get my car and go to Bella’s, she was most likely beyond worry. There was movement inside, but I didn’t want to deal with my family right now, I couldn’t, so I cleaned up as best I could in the garage.

Once inside my car, I could smell her strong concentrated scent. The burn in my throat calmed me and steeled my resolve as I made my way down our long driveway and onto the road.

~

I’d been correct in assuming that Bella would be worried. I had not even turned the engine off before she was out the door. The worry was covering her face as I exited the Volvo, and the guilt over the anguish I’d caused her pushed everything else aside. “I’m sorry I’m late,” I said, taking her into my arms.

“Why didn’t you call me?” she asked, looking up into my face.

My lips came down to brush her forehead, and I felt the heat of her seep into me just a little more. “It was a long night, please forgive me. I only just got back,” I said, trying to divert her question as to why I hadn’t called.

Although I’d had my phone on me, I didn’t think it would have been something I would have been able to do even an hour ago. My mind and body were still going over the still very real possibility of hurting her that I’d experienced tonight. I needed a distraction for both of us.

Brining my hands up to tangle in her hair, I brought my mouth down to cover hers. Bella’s lips parted slightly as they moved under mine sending her scent seeping through my lips. My muscles flexed in response, but it was so different than what I’d experienced last night. She was here. Mine. Please don’t let me hurt her.

~

Charlie had decided to stay home today, so his presence in the house was somewhat unavoidable. I’d suggested going to my house, but Bella didn’t want to leave her dad alone. Renee and Phil were due tomorrow and she thought maybe he was feeling a little nervous.

Her perception, as always, was correct. Charlie had yet to meet Renee’s new husband, but knew that he was very different from himself. They were staying in Port Angeles, but would be spending plenty of time here, in his home. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

So for the most part, we spent the day in the living room with Bella’s father watching a rerun of the week in sports. For her part, Bella seemed to be beyond any pretense with her father about our relationship. She sat flush against me the entire afternoon, causing me a little concern due to my low body temperature.

At four-thirty, Bella got up to make dinner, and I followed her. I watched as she pulled several items out of the refrigerator, chopped them up, and put them in a large pot. When everything was inside, she put the lid on and then came to sit on my lap.

My love’s arms wrapped around me, and she brought our foreheads together. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you, Mr. Cullen?”

Why was it that I didn’t seem to be able to hide anything from her anymore? Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath savoring her fragrance. “Nothing is bothering me,” I insisted.

She looked at me with complete disbelief. “Did something happen with Jasper?” she asked in a much quieter voice.

My hands were resting on her hips, and I held her slightly tighter at the mention of Jasper’s name. “It was just a long night, longer than I’d anticipated.”

Bella cocked her head to the side. “Vampire’s don’t get tired,” she stated matter a factly.

This made me smile. “Not tired in the sense you are thinking, no, but I do feel.”

She frowned. “I didn’t mean…”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I hurried to sooth her. “As I said, it was just a long night. I’m fine, love, no need to be concerned.” And then trying to divert her attention farther, “How was your night? Did you sleep well?”

Bella shrugged. “It was just a night of sleep, nothing exciting.”

I sighed. Her nights of slumber were numbered, and yet she talked of them so flippantly, dismissing them as if they didn’t matter. Pointing it out would be useless though. We’d already had this discussion more than once.

“So you were with Jasper the whole night?” she asked.

“Most of it, yes,” I asked a little confused by her question. “Why?”

She shook her head sending waves of her scent to me. “No reason really, it was just…well…”

“Tell me, love,” I whispered.

Her teeth came out to tease the skin of her lip. Not resisting the impulse, I leaned in and covered her mouth with my own. She sighed and melted into me. “Tell me,” I whispered again.

Bella’s eyes fluttered open, “I just had a dream. Of you. It was so real. I just thought…you were here.”

I brushed the hair away from her neck and ran my nose along the sensitive flesh there. “I’m sorry I was not, but I will be with you tonight,” I said with a kiss. “And the next night,” I answered, kissing her yet again.

She hummed and brought her hands up to grip my hair. My lips grazed her neck and took in the sweetness that was my Bella. We would get through this. After everything, we had to.

~

Tonight, I stayed in the living room while Charlie and Bella ate. It was a hard decision given Bella’s father was obviously anticipating me joining them after our previous evening. I was debating my choices when Bella made it for me when she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me she’d come get me when they were done.

I stayed until Bella was finished cleaning up. She walked me out to my car, and I promised her I would be waiting for her up in her room, so our goodbye was brief.

It took me only fifteen minutes to drive my car back to my home and run back.

Scaling the side of her house, and jumping into her window, I wasn’t surprised to find her already waiting for me. What I was surprised to find, was Bella lying on her side in the middle of her bed. Her head rested on her arm as her hair cascaded over her neck and shoulders. She had one leg bent causing her shorts to ride up her legs. Swallowing, I walked towards her.

Bella didn’t move as I came closer; she just watched me. It was so much like what I’d imagined last night that I felt my muscles tighten, and come alive. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself.

My efforts were short lived, however with Bella’s words. “Take your shirt off.” Her voice was soft, but firm. She knew what she wanted.

I hesitated for only a few seconds, before doing as she asked. Then, removing my shoes, I joined her on the bed.

The hand not supporting her head came up to rest on my bare chest. Her eyes flitted up to mine through lowered lids. “Promise you’ll stay in bed with me tonight?”

It wasn’t a hard choice, and I answer easily. “Of course,” I said as I pulled the blanket to cover her.

She sighed, the frustration evident. But as soon as the blanket was wrapped around her, she was in my arms. Her lips brushed gently against my neck and collarbone causing both shivers and heat simultaneously. It was harder than I’d ever imagined not playing out last night’s fantasy right here in her bed; her scent and her heat surrounding me as her lips showed me her love and devotion.

Closing my eyes, I tried to push everything aside except what was happening in this moment. My hand moved up and down her cloth covered back, and even with the barrier I could feel every muscle, every molecule of flesh. It was so easy to get lost in my feelings for her, the feelings she evoked in me.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked as her hands began to slide lower.

“Yes,” I answered, a little shorter of breath than I would have liked.

She smiled against my skin as her hand continued to roam. I was just about to say something, when it slid around my waist to my back. Breathing a sigh of relief, I placed a soft kiss on top of her head. “Good,” she whispered.

Bella’s lips and tongue were moving freely on my chest. I felt the heat and the moisture, but most of all I felt her, the love in each and every movement. Her hand ran a figure eight pattern on my lower back burning a new memory into my perfect recall.

I could have lay there all night enjoying these simple yet meaningful touches from my love, but she had other plans. Her hand had made twenty-seven passes on my back when I felt her deviate from her pattern. There was very little doubt in my mind as to what she was going to do.

My body prepared itself as best it could, as Bella’s hand began to go lower. Her fingers skimmed over the waistband of my jeans as she stopped for a moment to toy with the loop directly in the center. She was giving me time to prepare, and my love for her soared.

When she began moving once again, it was with direct purpose. Soft fingers moved to trace the curve of my butt. The feeling was amazing.

After she was sure I wasn’t going to push her away, she used her new leverage to pull the lower half of her body flush with mine. I knew she could feel me pressing against her. Sliding my hand up her back and into her hair, my fingers sought out her scalp and began massaging it with my fingers the way I knew she liked.

We lay there together, gently touching and talking for hours until she fell asleep. She seemed to know that I needed a respite from our intense practicing.

I kept my promise and stayed in bed with her all night, but as the day dawned I knew without a doubt that our quiet week was over. Today we would meet with the minister, welcome Renee, and be separated for several long hours as the women in my family spent some ‘girl time’ with Bella. But for now, in the blissful silence of her room, it was only the two of us.