This is La Tua Cantante in Edward's POV--as was promised. A lot of your unanswered questions from BPOV will be answered in this story. So I hope you enjoy and please rate and comment. I love hearing from you guys!
10. Chapter 10: Misery
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The worst part about this whole situation was that Jacob was right. This was all my fault. If it wasn't for me, Bella would be perfectly fine...she wouldn't have risked her life to save me--a pathetic worthless monster--countless times simply because she was in love with me.
It would never make sense. Why didn't she run away from day one? Would I have let her if she tried? That was what scared me--I couldn't even answer that question.
Imagining my life without her again was unbearable. It weakened me inevitably; it weakened me so much that Bella could never know just how bad it was without her. It would cause her unnecessary pain and I had filled her pain quota for a lifetime--or all of them.
At this moment, I would've gladly taken on the pain of the transformation into a vampire and the Distruzione just so long as Bella's pain vanished. Her pain was so incredible that it made me want to shrivel up and die. It hurt so much that I feared it was actually becoming reality--her pain was slowly killing me.
I collapsed weakly onto the floor, drawing my legs up to my chest, resting my forehead angrily against my knees, rocking back and forth deliriously, as the pain slowly killed me, turning me into nothing. But, I didn't care.
Bella was dealing with this right now. I could deal with it for her--I would deal with it. I sat there, hating myself and silently cursing Jacob for almost an entire week, my life becoming a meaningless curse.
Everybody tried at least once to come in and talk to me, but I refused to talk to anyone. I simply glared at the wall, basking in my self-loathing.
Carlisle and Jasper were too occupied with Bella, trying to save her, as I became a useless, pathetic wreck--not good for anything.
Esme came in five times and placed a hand on my shoulder, begging me, "Edward, please, don't do this to yourself. Not again. You couldn't have known. Edward, please...it hurts me to see you in such pain...Edward?"
I wouldn't respond, in fear that I would take my anger out on her, and she did not deserve that. I wouldn't allow her to suffer because of me. Bella's pain was unbearable enough for me; I couldn't take Esme's pain as well.
She lightly stroked my arm, comfortingly, struggling to ease my pain.
I didn't say anything. I simply waited for her to hang her head solemnly, whisper, "I love you," kiss my head, give up, and leave, shutting the door quietly behind her.
Alice came in so many times that I couldn't even keep count. "Edward, stop being so ridiculous! Nobody blames you. You cannot do this to yourself anymore. You are not doing anyone any good by sulking in here. Get the hell up and come make a difference. Edward! Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I will not tell you again. Get. Up."
She walked briskly over and shook me so hard that, as weak as I was, I jostled slightly. "Edward? Edward, Edward, Edward!"
Did she honestly think repeating my name over and over again was the way to get a response out of me? I barely heard her. I wasn't even listening to her thoughts: I was in too much pain to care what she or anyone else was thinking.
"Damn it, Edward, stop it!" She said, through clenched teeth, "Stop being so immature; it's not your fault!"
She tried uselessly to get through to me for the next hour or two, before sighing impatiently and leaving, slamming the door angrily behind her.
Emmett came in three times, trying to cheer me up. Idiot! "Rest assured...Jacob is behind bars and he is not going anywhere anytime soon. Check this out: I knocked him out cold, dragged his pathetic ass to jail and left him a little present...I bought him some dog food--priceless--" he broke himself off, laughing.
"Anyways, so I bruised his Adam's apple, right? It was amazing; you should've been there, man. So get this: I'm chasing him through the forest right and I lose his scent--I don't know how that happened; don't ask me how. Anyway, so the stupid dog...he tries to sneak up behind me, but I'm faster than he is--obviously--" he scoffed, "It's no competition. Hah! So, I jump up, spinning around as I did so--I know, I'm so talented-- I grabbed onto a tree branch, wrapped my legs around his neck, and UNH--"
He grunted, clapping his hands together to demonstrate his triumph, "Nearly broke his neck." He said, smugly, "But, I showed mercy, because I am such a good person with a kind heart and merely cut off his air supply 'til he turned blue and kicked him back, bruising his Adam's apple. I am amazing, huh?"
I was beginning to understand how he fell for Rosalie. They were both incredibly conceited. I didn't answer, but merely continued to glare at the wall, ignoring his rant, letting my pain consume me.
I didn't even notice when he left, not even caring. I was too concerned with Bella and what she was going through. Did no one understand what she had been through? What I had let happen to her? How could they say that it didn't matter? My God...my poor Bella...I let him destroy her. I would never forgive myself for this.
Jacob was right. This was just as much my fault as it was his. And, nothing could ever change that. Nothing could change what had been done.
I felt Carlisle's hand on my back, soothingly, as he said, softly, "Edward. Edward, can you hear me?"
I couldn't bring myself to answer him--I couldn't even look at him.
He sighed resignedly, "I won't lecture you. I know that nothing I say or do can help you right now. I just..." he sounded so hurt by my misery, "I wanted you to know that I love you. And, I'm here for you. We all are. That's what your family is for, son. You will never be alone again...don't force youself to be. I can't stand it."
I wanted so desperately to answer him, but my pain prevented me from doing so.
After a moment, he said, "Bella will be fine. Just...thought you should know. Jasper's with her right now. He was so strong--it was remarkable. I couldn't have saved her if it wasn't for him...Edward?"
He knelt down in front of me and took my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. I didn't even try to struggle--I couldn't do it even if I wanted to; I didn't have the strength.
"You listen to me." He said, firmly, "I love you. Bella loves you. Don't do this. Don't put yourself through pain for her---it'll only hurt her more. Bella never blamed you."
Yes, but Bella had made a lot of mistakes--falling in love with me was the worst of them all.
"No one did but you. Edward, when are you going to learn that you cannot control everything that happens to her? Even we don't have that kind of power. All you can do...is be there for her. Help her through her trials and lift her up."
Would she even still love me after this? After I let this happen to her? How could she? Oh, God, please still love me. Please, oh, please still love me.
Carlisle kissed my forehead and pulled me into a warm embrace. "Come back to us. Bella needs you. Think about her and fight your way through this."
He stood up and simply looked at me, saddened, and left the room, shutting the door behind him.
I simply sat there, drowning in my anguish, wishing desperately to hold Bella in my arms. To be with her and put our troubles behind us, as if they never happened. As if everything was perfect.
Rosalie came in, much to my irritation, and immediately slapped me, but I felt nothing at all. She grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me up so that I was level with her.
"Edward...knock it off! I know you love to be the selfish brat and we all get a kick out of it, really; it's great. But, if you don't get over yourself and get your worthless ass out of this room, I swear to God I will go after your bitch girlfriend!"
I was too weak to even respond to her insulting Bella...I barely heard her.
She shook me angrily, "Edward, are you listening to me?!"
Yes, unfortunately. What the hell did she care if I came out? She wanted me dead; we both knew that--her recent affection had been developing different scenarios revolving around mine and Bella's deaths because we had "ruined her life"; God forbid. Why couldn't she just leave me the hell alone when she didn't understand the half of what was going on?
"EDWARD!" She screamed. "GOD! You are so damn pathetic!" She punched me so hard that she broke the wall.
She threw me down on the ground and knelt down beside me, whispering violently, "This is not over. You're not going to be like this forever. You will get over this and when you do, I swear, I will hunt you down and kill you for what you are doing to this family. What good are you, huh? What have you brought anyone besides utter misery and pain? If you ask me...Carlisle should've let you die in that hospital. You are doing no one any good..."
"ROSE!" Emmett yelled, stomping up the stairs, "What the hell did you do?!"
She whipped around and said, "You're being stupid, Edward." Then, she flounced off, muttering under her breath, "I oughta go kill your Aston Martin...or your damn piano."
I would like to tell her what she could do with my Aston Martin or piano, she could shove them both up her pathetic worthless ass. Who the hell did she think she was to literally kick me when I was down? What was the matter with her? It was times like this that I really hated Emmett for falling in love with her. What the hell was he thinking?
I lost myself in my anger and pain again...hardly noticing as people came in repeatedly, feeding me crap about: "It's not your fault", losing myself to the misery and the pain that was so welcoming and exciting right now.
My world was misery and it revolved around Bella. My existence revolved around Bella.
I don't know how long I sat there, but it wasn't until Bella awoke that I snapped out of it completely, coming back to my senses. I saw her wake up through Jasper's eyes. He was full of concern for her, and calming her as much as he could.
"Hi." She appeared to be struggling to hide her confusion, "I--you--where's Edward?"
My head jerked up and I listened more intensely, as my heart swelled with relief and love for her. Bella was awake!
- Chapter 1: Nothing
- Chapter 2: Risks
- Chapter 3: Life and Death
- Chapter 4: Carpe Diem
- Chapter 5: Proposal
- Chapter 6: Breakfast
- Chapter 7: Grizzly Bear
- Chapter 8: Mountain Lions
- Chapter 9: Control
- Chapter 10: Misery
- Chapter 11: Realizations
- Chapter 12: Courage
- Chapter 13: Intimacies
- Chapter 14: Alone
- Chapter 15: Sex Dream
- Chapter 16: Discussions
- Chapter 17: Third Time's a Charm
- Chapter 18: Celebration
- Chapter 19: Triumph
- Chapter 20: First Night
- Chapter 21: The Civil War
- Chapter 22: Absurdities
- Chapter 23: Dealings
- Chapter 24: Unrepentance
- Chapter 25: Comfort
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- 29 Oct 08
- 09 Jan 09