This is La Tua Cantante in Edward's POV--as was promised. A lot of your unanswered questions from BPOV will be answered in this story. So I hope you enjoy and please rate and comment. I love hearing from you guys!
12. Chapter 12: Courage
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I sped us through the forest, almost habitually, not really paying attention to my surroundings, not enjoying the liberation I usually felt, having no need to really be attentive. I knew this forest well enough to know exactly where I was going.
I simply stared down at Bella in my arms, as she hid her face in my chest, clinging to me for dear life. God, she was so beautiful! I couldn't help but marvel at her beauty even as I ran.
I came to a stop in the middle of our meadow and simply held her in my arms, not setting her down, but instead, looking deeply into her eyes--drowning in them, memorizing the love and devotion towards me that I had always seen in them.
Without taking her eyes off mine, she said softly, almost reverently, "This place only gets more beautiful each time I see it."
I shrugged, "Without you, it's just a meadow...but, with you here, it's priceless. Without a doubt, the most ethereal, beautiful place in existence. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be...and honestly, I choose you over heaven any day. You are my heaven."
She smiled and tried to kiss me, but I pulled away and set her down. "Not now, Bella." No way I was risking this with her in this condition.
"Why not?" She asked, trying again, but I pushed her away slightly, with deep regret.
"Because you're hurt. I don't want to cause you anymore pain..and if I risk hurting you when you're perfectly healthy, imagine the risk now when you're already so damaged."
"I don't care!" She protested, stubbornly, "I. Don't. Care."
Leave it to Bella to laugh in the face of danger when she should run and hide and wait for it to go away. The only problem with that solution was that I was not going anywhere anytime soon. Not unless she made me, which she would never do.
"I care, Bella." I said, trying to turn my head, but she gripped my chin firmly, cupping it in her fingers, and turned my head to force me to look at her. "Edward...please just kiss me."
Oh, God...how could I deny her wishes when she was pleading so desperately with me? Especially after everything she had been through. She was making this so impossible. I shouldn't give in--I should say no and walk away...but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do that to her; not again.
She trailed her fingers down my jawbone, caressed my chin gently with her thumb, sliding her other fingers underneath my jaw, resting her thumb on my jawbone, and leaned in to touch her lips to mine.
I forced myself to return it, not wanting to hurt her feelings but my self-control completely fell away and I intensified the kisses, the temptation of her too much for any man to handle.
The kisses intensified more and more with each one and it wasn't long before I was trailing my hand passionately up and down her arms.
She didn't seem to feel any pain as I caressed her wounds, or if she did, she didn't show it. I was mindful of her pain, making sure to not hurt her, concentrating intensely on the task at hand. It took all I had to do so.
Thank God for vampire coordination, because mere human coordination would never be so skilled at self-control.
I practically licked her chin before sliding my tongue into her parted lips, entwining it with hers, getting her whole chin in my mouth. Oh, God, I wanted her so badly. It hurt so much that I couldn't do more than this right now.
I tightened my arms around her, holding her even closer--if that was even possible. She rested her hand on my pec and placed the other one on my waist.
She shivered involuntarily in my arms and I trailed my hand down her arm, stopping at her hand, entwining my fingers with hers, pressing her hand further into my pec..
She deepened the kiss passionately, now standing on her tiptoes, raising her shoulders to my jaw.
I kissed her several more times before my desires took over and I trailed my lips down to her neck, kissing it tenderly. God, she made me feel so amazing.
I traced the scar from my bite delicately with my lips, refusing to let my regret ruin this moment, struggling to continue on.
I lowered her shirt to expose her collarbone and forced myself to kiss it softly, before the regret took over, forcing me to pull away, "I can't." The realization of what I had done to her and the pain I had caused her was too much for me to bear.
"What do you mean?" She asked, breathlessly.
I couldn't continue hurting her like this, but I knew that leaving again would never be an option. I'd die first. I didn't answer her, not quite sure what I meant myself. What did I mean?
To let her know that my hesistation had nothing to do with her, I traced her fractured collarbone lightly with my fingertips. It was throbbing with intense pain, but I wouldn't show it.
She clenched her teeth against the pain and watched as I lightly kissed it, hopefully making it feel a little better.
When I went to pull away, I saw one of Jacob's bite marks and anger once again consumed me.
I wrenched away from her to walk away, but she grabbed my arm with both hands--desperate to make me talk to her. "What's the matter?"
I didn't answer. I wouldn't even look at her because I knew that that would make me want to hurt Jacob even more.
"Edward?" She was struggling to hide her irritation as she stomped her foot.
I shook my head slightly, forcing my voice to remain soft, as I said, "I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him for what he did to you."
"Yeah, well, join the club. I don't think you'll have to worry, though, because Charlie will kill him enought for the both of us."
How the hell could she be joking about this? She was so frustrating--why did she have to put on the brave act all the time? I knew she didn't really feel that way--it was all a facade to attempt to make feel better.
I jerked my hand free of hers, "Knock it off, Bella."
"I'm sorry. What did I do?" She asked, sounding cofused.
"Stop...joking about this like it doesn't matter."
"I never said it didn't." She protested.
"You don't have to. I don't have to read your mind to know that you think it will be perfectly fine just because it's over."
"As hard as it is to believe, you don't know me as well as you think you do." She said, bitterly. "Not once did I think that. I know that it will affect me for the rest of my life, but I won't let it destroy me."
I scoffed, "That is so like you." It was destroying me, so I knew that she was falling apart; she just wouldn't admit it. Not to me, not to herself, not to anyone.
"Yeah, it is." She agreed, "I already let my life be ruined once; I can't let that happen again. I won't survive if I fall apart again. I'm not strong enough."
I flinched at those words. She must be hurting worse than I thought. She usually never pulled the guilt card, but right now, she seemed ready to resort to anything.
She immediately looked as if she felt guilty for saying those words. "Edward, I didn't mean--"
"Don't bother, Bella." I cut off her apology, not wanting to hear it right now. "I know what a monster I am. Stop pretending that I'm some...perfect guardian angel of some sort. I am no angel. I belong in hell; I know that. What I don't know is why I'm not there now."
"STOP!" She yelled, her voice trembling with emotion, as she struggled to not cry, "That is not true. Edward...you can't--you can't do this. You can't beat yourself up everytime I get hurt. No one expects you to save me from everything. As many powers as you have, even you can't do that."
Was that supposed to make me feel better? "Stop making excuses for me, Bella."
"No, I'm gonna! If I have to stay here forever to convince you how amazing you truly are, then that's exactly what I'm going to do." She protested, tears now flooding her eyes.
I was a miserable creature that deserved nothing more than death right now. "You don't get it, Bella! I wanted to kill him. Do you not understand that?!"
"I know that! I know what you wanted. What does it matter?"
"Because I wanted to!" I yelled, turning to face her. "Because he hurt you so badly! I want to kill Jacob and I know how much that will hurt Carlisle...how much it will hurt you and a part of me doesn't even care."
Was she listening to me? My God, how could she condone this and practically grant me my desires when all it would do would hurt the ones I love.
"I can't do it again, Bella." I shook his head, fiercely, "I can't become a killer."
"So fight it." She begged.
"With what strength?! I'm weak. I've never been anything else. You're living proof of that. I should've left you alone from day one, but now, we both are so desperately in love with each other that that is no longer an option. And now you're getting hurt because of me. Every ounce of pain in your life is directly related to me; to my actions."
She shook her head, tears now streaming down her face, "You're weak; everyone is. You just...don't give up. That's what makes you strong. You have to fight it, Edward. Please."
What was the matter with her? Why didn't she just walk away from this and save herself the pain? Why was she so determined to make me look like the good guy? I wasn't good. I never was good and I never could be.
I glared at her, before saying, "I wish I had died. I wish that Carlisle had never saved me."
Now, it was my turn to feel remorse for my words, as she began trembling, both in pain and anger. "How. Dare. You?" Her voice trembled with emotion.
She began trembling so hard that she couldn't support her own weight and collapsed weakly into my arms.
I struggled to hold her, as she sobbed onto me so hard that her shoulders were shaking with each forced breath.
Her pain was so great that it literally weakened me and I began trembling as well, "See? I'm a monster." I tried to make her see, "My mere existence has the power to destroy you. I shouldn't keep doing this to you. I shouldn't exist when all it does is cause you pain."
I was so weak that when she made to push me away, I actually staggered slightly.
"Why...are you doing this to me?" She begged, struggling through her words, "If you want to leave, then go. Be a coward; I'm not strong enough to stop you. If I can't stop you from doing this, I don't know what can. But, stop doing this. Stop killing me inside..." She broke off sobbing, clutching her heart, "Make one clean cut and get on with it. But, please...don't make me suffer. I can't--I can't do this anymore. I can't survive like this."
No. How could she possibly think that I--I would never leave her again. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. I shook my head and grabbed her arms, "I'm not leaving you again, Bella. I won't. I refuse to leave unless you ask me to. I know I don't deserve you. I never willl--but, so long as you'll take me, I am here and I am so in love with you. I can't exist without you."
God, I was scum! How dare I put her through hell like this only to beg her to still love me? What kind of monster was I?
She shook in my arms, sobbing, "Who are you to tell me what's right for me?! You think I haven't thought about this?! I need my life to be with you..."
I let out a cry of angruish and collapsed onto her, forcing her to fall. She let out a cry of pain and I was filled with regret.
I grabbed her roughly by her arms and she cried, "No! No!"
I began shaking me slightly. "Am I a thing worth loving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wanted me gone long ago."
"What about me?" She sobbed, taking my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her, "I love you so much."
The pain I felt with those words, knowing that she shouldn't love me, was so intense, so unbearable that I staggered back as she said, "And I tried to forget you. You left me and it didn't help. I tried to move on. I tried...but I couldn't live without you. It wasn't a life...it was barely a shell of a life. All I wanted was to die. I wanted you to have killed me. You should've. You killed me in that forest when you left."
She hesitated to shake my head, "I know everything that you did...because you did it to me."
Those words--her pain tore me up inside. My heart broke more and more with each word she spoke and I wanted to cease to exist. Because that was the only t hing that could ease the pain I felt. Why didn't she ask me to leave? Why didn't she say she didn't love anymore? That she hated me and didn't want me as I had once done to her.
"But, I still love you." She continued on. No! "Even that never changed my love. If anything, it increased it. It only made me love you more. And, I hate it! I hate that you can hurt me so much! I wish that I wished you gone! But, I don't. I can't. Edward, I need you to live. Without you, I am nothing. But, if you do leave, then all you ever were was a monster."
"What am I supposed to do?" My voice cracked with emotion. Never in my life had I felt so lost...yet at the same time...I was found. She found me and showed me who I am. "I can't leave you again...but, I shouldn't keep hurting you."
"Then don't." She pleaded.
"You shouldn't love a murderer, Bella."
"You aren't. Edward, it doesn't matter what you did. It never did. I have always loved you. I'm sorry, but I do. I never got a choice in the matter. Loving you--being yours--was my purpose in life. I was born...for you. I was born to tell you I love you. And, I'm telling you now: I. LOVE. YOU. I do. But, if that's wrong, then let me go to hell; I don't care. Just don't leave me again. Please...I'll die if you do. I don't care where I am, so long as I'm with you."
God, the pain I felt with those words was so excruciating. As much as I wanted her to love me--needed her to love me--she shouldn't. I would never deserve her...and that killed me. It felt like I was literally being split in half. Oh, God...make it stop, make it stop, make it stop...
I pulled Bella into my arms and simply held her as she sobbed, dry sobbing onto her. Being in her arms was the only cure for my pain...the only thing in the world that could ease my pain and make it all go away. She was my refuge; my paradise; my only chance for happiness. My love. My Bella.
"Bella..." I sobbed, "I...love you."
I pathetically got to my knees, struggling to do so, feeling the need to beg her. I wrapped my arms desperately around her waist, clinging to her for dear life. "Bella...Bella...Bella..." I sobbed her name repeatedly, as she sobbed onto me hysterically.
Once we both settled down, I looked up at her pleadingly and asked her, nervously, "You still my girl?"
She chuckled softly and said, "Always," as she bent down to reach her lips to mine, taking my face in her hands. She deepened the kiss, whimpering slightly.
I couldn't deny it to her now; she needed me just as much as I needed her; that much was clear. I was risking a lot, sure, but if anyone was worth the risk, it was her.
I pulled her down and spun around on my knees, dipping her, and laying her down in the grass, lowering myself on top of her.
She arched her back and tilted her head slightly to deepen the kiss and we continued on, for the next twelve hours, before she fell asleep on my bare chest.
- Chapter 1: Nothing
- Chapter 2: Risks
- Chapter 3: Life and Death
- Chapter 4: Carpe Diem
- Chapter 5: Proposal
- Chapter 6: Breakfast
- Chapter 7: Grizzly Bear
- Chapter 8: Mountain Lions
- Chapter 9: Control
- Chapter 10: Misery
- Chapter 11: Realizations
- Chapter 12: Courage
- Chapter 13: Intimacies
- Chapter 14: Alone
- Chapter 15: Sex Dream
- Chapter 16: Discussions
- Chapter 17: Third Time's a Charm
- Chapter 18: Celebration
- Chapter 19: Triumph
- Chapter 20: First Night
- Chapter 21: The Civil War
- Chapter 22: Absurdities
- Chapter 23: Dealings
- Chapter 24: Unrepentance
- Chapter 25: Comfort
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- 29 Oct 08
- 09 Jan 09