This is La Tua Cantante in Edward's POV--as was promised. A lot of your unanswered questions from BPOV will be answered in this story. So I hope you enjoy and please rate and comment. I love hearing from you guys!
22. Chapter 22: Absurdities
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I ran through six towns before finally finding a McDonald's. Billions served everyday? Seemed like a good idea to me.
I went in to order, hating having to do so. How the hell was a vampire supposed to know what to order for a human? Not just any human, but Bella was exceptionally picky.
I looked at the menu and groaned.
The guy behind the counter said, in a bored voice, "Um, can I..help you, or what?" Nice manners.
I forced a smile and said, nervously, "I hope so...I think I'll take a Big 'n Nasty meal."
"You mean Big and Tasty?" He asked, trying not to laugh. 'Idiot! What, is he trying to be funny?'
Hardly. "Yeah, that too. That's what I said. Or meant. I was just testing you."
"You want the fries and drink with that?"
"Yes." That was pretty much a given.
There were two girls behind the counter, laughing and whispering about me and my looks.
I forced myself to block out their thoughts, not wanting to know them. Their whisperings were bad enough:
"God, he is so hot!"
"I know. That is not your everyday supermodel. I'd give anything to rip off his clothes right now and just--"
Oh, God, please no. I forced myself to stop listening and watched with great pleasure as the other girl stepped on her foot subtly, trying not to laugh, until she thought, 'Bitch! Get in line, you whore.'
"That'd be $5.87. To go?" The guy said, after rolling his eyes, upset that I was getting all the attention. Oh, God, he could have it. I didn't want it. Not from them.
"Mm-hm." I forced myself to not show my anger at those girls. How dare they think of me like that? It was incredibly rude.
The girl standing behind me thought, 'Oh, my God...if I get a little closer, I might be able to maybe 'accidentally' brush my fingers against his.'
She reached to do so, but I jerked my hand away as politely as I could manage and the guy handed me the bag, eager to be rid of me.
I took it, just as eager to be out of there, and handed him the money, before taking off, ignoring all the thoughts of those around me and all the heads that turned in unison to watch me leave.
When I got back, I walked in, uncertainly, carrying the McDonald's bag. I shrugged, " 'Billions served everyday'; there's gotta be something halfway decent about it."
She smiled slightly, "Thank you," and took it from me.
Something wasn't right--I could sense the tension in the room. Something was wrong. "What's wrong?" I asked, as she opened the bag.
"Nothing," She lied, with a nonchalant shrug. When would she learn that she could never fool me?
I looked to Jasper, who confirmed her lie, "Everything's taken care of; don't worry."
I nodded slightly, glaring at Jasper. What the hell was this? Since when did they hide stuff from me? Why would they need to hide something from me?
'Okay, Edward...I'll show you what happened. But,please don't be upset. Bella meant well. You have to know that. Don't be hard on her.'
I took my seat on the other side of Bella and watched with great intent as Jasper showed me what ahd happened while I was gone:
Jasper walked in hesitantly and Bella smiled slightly, before sitting down and burying her face in her hands.
God, she looked so miserable. It killed me to see her like this. The thing was that it would never end. It would always be like this. Damn it, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to help her when i had no idea how to comfort her?
"You okay?" Jasper asked, softly.
She looked up and nodded, but it looked strained.
"Yeah...yeah, fine. It's just...I still really haven't had time to really think about everything. To absorb it. I still can't believe it...I mean, it's Jake. I never thought he'd ever hurt me. Not like this." She gestured to herself and shook her head, "I just...I had to put on a brave facade for Edward or else he'd blame himself."
WHAT?! She never had to put on a brave facade for me. I wanted her to be honest with her feelings. I wanted to help her. Why wouldn't she let me? I was the person she literally needed to spend forever with, yet she couldn't even confide in me and tell me her fears. Did she not trust me? What did I do wrong to not be trusted by her? Oh, God...I just answered my own question. A more appropriate question would be: "What haven't I done to not be trusted by her?"
"I couldn't let that happen." Bella continued on, "I don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared, Jasper." She admitted, looking to him and stifling a sob.
Right. Scared. And, when I asked, everything was fine, right? That was so unfair. Who was she--who the hell did she think she was having any right to keep something like this from me? I thought were in this together.
"I'm scared of what this will do to me."
A legitimate fear, sure, but not a necessary one. I would always be there for her...wasn't I enough for her? So much for being her everything.
"And, it hurts me so much to know that Edward will suffer as a result."
Oh! Well, that's mighty big of you, Bella. It's great to know that she'd put my suffering --which meant nothing--above her destruction. She was such an idiot sometimes.
"My worst fear is that Edward is in pain and can't or won't tell me."
Oh, really, that was her worst fear? What was the matter with her? My pain was not important. It never was. Who was she to decide what pain I could and could not feel? Did she not realize that I had no choice in that? I had a right to know...and whatever pain I felt was my problem...not hers. I didn't give a damn about myself...this was never about me.
Jasper shook his head, "No, Bella...Edward's not in pain. He's only in pain when you are."
She sobbed, "I know. And, I am. I just...hide it. But, I know he can see right through me." Quite the contrary, I had no idea until just now. She must be getting better at lying than I thought.
"That means he's suffering."
Well, now I am. Because she couldn't trust me. That hurt me more than anything else.
She shuddered, "I can't handle that."
And, I couldn't handle her pain. We could handle our pain together, though. If we took on the fight, hand-in-hand, we would inevitably win. It was a given. But, we couldn't do it if she didn't trust me, and I knew now more than ever that she clearly didn't.
"I know it's hard, Bella," Jasper said, sitting beside her, "But, you have to get through this."
"How can I?" She asked, "How can I when I have no one to turn to? I can't go to Edward or else his pain will be more than I can handle...it'll kill me. My first instinct used to be to go to Jake when I couldn't go to Edward...but, now, I can't even do that."
Those words would have killed me had I been human. The pain I felt with those words was beyond excruciating. I never really minded her friendship with Jacob; I had grown to accept it. I knew how much he meant to her, but to think about her telling him stuff she couldn't tell me...what did that say for me? She said that I was enough for her, but that wasn't true. And, I knew that. Why did I allow myself to believe that it was? Maybe I had this wrong--maybe the problem wasn't Jacob at all. It had nothing to do with Jacob. It had everything to do with me. It was my problems and unworthiness to deserve her.
"And, it hurts." She continued, struggling to do so, "It hurts to talk, Jasper...it hurts to breathe."
Jasper hesitated, and his hand trembled slightly, as he reached out and took her hand. "I'm sorry, Bella." He said, sympathetically. She didn't answer, so he took her hand in both of his and stiffened up, his ability to resist her blood weakening. "Bella, look at me."
She obliged and he continued on, "You...are the strongest, most capable person I know. I know you can get through this. I know how hard it is. Every ounce of pain you are feeling, I am feeling. I get it. But, I also know that you can fight it. Maybe not alone...but, you've never been alone. You never will. Useless as it seems, you have me. I'm here for you no matter what."
She smiled and nodded and then the memory ended. Never in my life had I felt so...ashamed...so useless and worthless.
As bella ate, I stared at her analytically, struggling to unveil the truth in her eyes. She avoided my eyes, ignoring my presence.
She threw her trash away and then asked, "What now?" She struggled to keep her voice steady.
"Charlie's going to be here soon." I said, struggling to not show my pain and anxiety to her. "He's not going to be happy about this; he's in a bad mood already." Two-week fishing trip and they didn't even catch a minnow. He was upset at his time being wasted for such results.
She nodded, "I suppose we can...watch some TV for awhile then." She didn't seem too thrilled by the idea, and to be honest, neither was I.
"Sure..." I agreed, half-heartedly, "Bella?"
'Edward!' Jasper warned, 'Take it easy. There's a reason she kept it from you.'
She forced herself to look at me, clearly dreading having to do so. Something I never thought would happen. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would have.
"I am here for you. Please...never hesitate to talk to me. The only pain I feel...is knowing I'm not enough for you."
I chose my words carefully to cover all my bases. I wasn't enough to save her from all her troubles, I wasn't enough to replace Jacob--no matter how hard I tried, Jacob held a place in Bella's heart that I could never know. Her heart no longer belonged to me and I had only myself to blame for that. I let her go and I was lucky she even considered taking me back.
She shook her head, "No...no, you're more than enough for me. More than I deserve."
"Apparently not," I said, caressing one of her wounds from Jacob,
'Edward, don't do this.' Jasper warned, but I ignored him.
"But, it's okay. I'll take what I can get. Even if I can't have all of you."
"No!" She practically yelled, desperate to make him see just how much more he meant to me than Jacob ever could, "Edward, please, please, don't ever think that. You will always have all of me. Every fiber of my being belongs to you; nothing can take that away from you; NOTHING. Jacob means nothing to me."
Yeah, right. When I left her, he was her everything. Nothing could change that. He brought her to life...the same way she brought me to life. Something like that doesn't just disappear; I should know. I tried so desperately to make her disappear, but nothing worked.
"Bella, it's okay." I said, unable to control my misery.
"No, it's not! Edward, do you really think I ever wanted Jake the way I wanted you? Now who's being absurd!"
'She's right, Edward, I can feel it. She loves you.'
True, but she also loved Jacob--some part of her always would. And, it killed me that I could never own that part again. She had always told me that I had no reason to be jealous of Jacob, but the truth was, I did. And, I hated it. I hated myself for not being enough for her. It destroyed me that she was in love with him, but I could never let her see that. She could never know.
Jasper shook his head, in disbelief at me from behind Bella. 'Edward, you can't do this. Please...Edward, you deserve to have happiness; don't try to diminish it like this.'
Again, I ignored him, as Bella shook her head, "You have to know that whatever pain I feel because of Jacob is not your fault; that's my only worry. Your tendency to blame yourself must change now."
Oh, so, that's what we were doing now? I wouldn't allow this--she couldn't lie to make me happy. Couldn't she see how absurd she was being?
"I don't blame myself, Bella; not for this; I never did." I protested, "But, when you deliberately hide your true feelings from me--"
"I'm sorry!" She immediately said, growing frustrated, "I am! I just wanted to protect you."
"Well, that's not a good enough reason." I said, exasperatedly, "Nothing justifies you doing that. You were trying to protect me? Well, guess what, Bella; I'm a big boy; I think I can handle it."
Jasper immediately calmed us down and I began thinking somewhat rationally. "My only concern is: can you?" I asked, "I've been through a lot. I have the strength and the skill to deal with these kinds of problems. I can help you. Why? Why won't you let me help you?"
"I'm sorry, " she repeated, softly, "I didn't know. I wasn't...thinking. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that your safety was inevitable. Making you suffer for me was never an option; I would never allow it."
So, instead, she suffers more for me? I honestly didn't know if I was angrier or more touched by that fact.
I sighed resignedly and pulled her into my arms, holding her as she sobbed onto me, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." she repeated, through her sobs.
Jasper's calming waves took over both of us, calming us down, to the point where I was able to pick her up and carry her into the living room.
I laid us down, being careful not to disturb her, and Jasper took a seat in the chair, waves of calm radiating out of him, taking over Bella and me, bringing us to the point where we inevitably felt nothing but peace and love.
Even so, our pain definitely had taken its toll on Jasper. He had not felt such pain in so long--he had forgotten how to cope with it. God, how many more lives would I ruin before I just ceased to exist? I would be doing everyone a favor. Even Bella. She might be too stubborn to realize it, but she was better off without me. I wasn't better off without her, but this wasn't about me and my needs. It was about her. My whole world was about her.
The day I destroyed her life, my whole world came crashing down and I couldn't live anymore. I didn't have the capability of staying alive.
'Edward, don't.' Jasper thought, firmly, 'Why do you always do this? You have not ruined our lives; youhave enriched them. Do you know how horrible our lives would be without you? There was a reason Carlisle chose to save you out of all the other patients he dealt with and it wasn't because he felt sorry for you. He literally could not see you die. You had become a son to him and he no longer had a choice in the matter. But, he doesn't blame himself for ruining your life.'
Carlisle could never destory a person's life, even if he wanted to. He wasn't capable of hurting anyone.
What was Jasper doing? My life was pointless--my existence was ridiculous. All I did was bring misery and suffering to the ones I loved--what could possibly be good about htat?
I rested the side of my head against the top of Bella's and kissed her hair every so often, basking in the brilliance of my failure. I lightly rubbed her back, tightening my arms around her, protectively, just...waiting to die...for me to get what I so deserved.
If I was forced to live as such a hellish creature, I would at least ensure Bella's safetly. Whether or not she loved me completely; whether or not I could have all of her, she would be safe. Nothing would ever hurt her again. I would die first.
"Edward..." Bella croaked, "How did we--"
"Shh..." I softly shushed her and began rocking back and forth. She had clearly just noticed that we had moved from the kitchen. "It's all right, love. Nothing will ever hurt you again. I'm here; I'm right here. I will never leave you again; not for a second."
I ignored the reality of the situation, knowing I would have to leave her eventually. As much as I loved her, I had to leave to go hunting and stuff like that, but still...hopefully she found some comfort in the meaningless words.
"I love you," she choked out, causing me agony.
I clenched my teeth and forced out a strained, "Mm-hm," hating that those words could never be as true as they once were, and it was my fault.
I exhaled shakily, stifling tearless sobs, and whispered dryly, "Love you," before softly humming her lullaby.
The mere memory of the song caused us both to relax in each other's arms, calming us even more than Jasper did.
I forced myself to ignore Jasper's pleas to "stop blaming myself" and focused on Bella nd keeping her safe and happy.
After a while, I took her face in my hands, making her look at me, and stared intensely into her eyes, hoping to see the truth in them as I asked, "Bella, do you trust me?"
'Edward, this is ridiculous!' Jasper thought, irritably, 'You know she does; what the hell kind of question is that?'
Would he...just...get the hell out of my head...for two seconds? I couldn't do this with someone else in my head--it was nerve-wrecking enough.
"With my life." Bella said, without hesitation, "My life, my heart, my soul: all I am is yours." I simply stared at her, analyzing her words, finally seeing the truth in her expression, before nodding.
"Edward, I'm sorry. I never doubted you. Please don't doubt my love for you; that will never change. It can't change."
I didn't answer, but took in the words she was telling me and feeling her love for me through Jasper.
She continued on, "I just...didn't want you to suffer because of me. And, I knew that you would."
"That's not the point, Bella." I said, miserably.
'That's it!' Jasper thought, 'I give up!'
"You don't get it." I said, to answer them both, "It's not about me. It's never been about me; it's about you. I want to help you bear your pain; is that so bad? Do you really want to do it alone? Can't I simply be here to give you a hand and lift you up?"
"Yes," she said, bringing her hand up and touching my lips to quiet me. "Yes, you can. Edward, I know how hard this is for you."
Did she?! Really? She knew what it was like to be so...left out? To not be trusted by the one person you trusted more than anyone else? Really! Well, why didn't she just tell me what that was like then? Please, tell me....tell me how damn hard this lack of trust has been for you.
"And, I'm sorry. I am. I made a mistake; sue me." I grimaced. Now was hardly the time for her sarcasm. She ignored me though.
'Edward, listen to her.' Jasper thought, 'Please?' His tone was so pleading that I had no choice but to oblige.
"Edward, the truth is...you are my strength." Huh. No wonder she was such a klutz. With me as her strength, she didn't stand a chance. "My courage, my hope, my ability to go on at all lies within you. Without you, I would have never made it this far."
'AH!' Jasper thought, knowing too well that those words would stir up another arugment for me.
"Without knowing it, you helped me. You helped me through just by being there. I had no fears...no pain, because I had you. You take it all away magically." Okay, now she was just exaggerating.
"No!" She broke me off firmly, "Don't you dare try to deny it; now is not the time for your stubborn humility, okay?" How's that for an oxymoron, huh? "It's you that doesn't get it. You are the only true happiness and good I have ever had. Every morning that I wake up, I see you...just seeing you makes it a perfect day. It makes me love you even more. You have...no idea how much you help me just by being here and loving me. That is enough; I never expected anything else. You are all that I need. You've done all you can."
Those words caused me to feel immediate guilt and invitable self-loathing. I thought she was supposed to be cheering me up. What was she trying to say? "Guess that makes me pathetic then, huh? I'm doing all I can, yet I feel like I've done nothing. Even my supposed all isn't enough to take away your pain. I'm not sure I can deal with that."
She shook her head, "No, Edward, that is not true! You don't have to do anything--your mere existence has the ability to completely heal me of my pain. I only felt pain when you left...but, now, with you here...I feel no pain whatsoever." That was Jasper's doing. "None." She reiterated. "Only my love for you growing to beyond overwhelming." Also Jasper.
I smiled slightly at that thought and caressed her face lightly, "Then, consider me permanently attached to you at the hip." I decided to make a joke out of it, desperate to feel something besides anger and this endless pain, caressing her hip as I did so.
She smiled, "A beautiful attachment, I must say. No objections here."
I chuckled and hugged her closer.
Jasper finally relaxed, 'Oh thanks. That feels so much better. Now, I can breathe. God, your couple issues were giving me a headache.'
And, all this time, I thought him more of an action guy, not drama.
Bella smiled and nestled into me before reciting, uncertainly:
" 'To me that man seems like a god in heaven, seems--may I say it?--greater than all gods are, watches you, listens to your heart, which casts such confusion onto my sense...that when I gaze at you merely, all of my well-chosen words are forgotten...as my tongue thickens--' " 'Nice!' Jasper thought, as she kept going, " '--and a subtle fire runs through my body while my ears are deafened by their own ringing and at once my eyes...covered in darkness?'...and...I forgot the rest!" She admitted, sheepishly, burying her face in my chest.
Jasper was as shcked as I was by Bella's surprisng knowledge: 'Whoa! "A god in heaven" by Catullus?! That is amazing! Your fiancee is awsome.'
"Catullus?" I said, surprised.
"Mm-hm," she admitted, looking up at me and nodding.
"How do you--"
"I got tired of you having all the good sentiments and lines, so...I looked up some literary works that could apply to you and that one definitely fit."
Uh-huh and how exactly did a god in heaven apply to me? "A god in heaven?" I asked, with a doubtful smirk, "Are you kidding; how does that apply to me?"
'You forget, Edward, she's human. To humans, we are all gods in heaven.' Jasper reminded me.
"You're my god in heaven...and blasphemy or not, you are my favorite. Smite me!" She said, looking up dramatically and pretending to shield myself.
Yeah, right. Like I'd really let anyone get close to her. I laughed and hugged her, "I'd never allow it, love. If anyone wants you dead, they have to get through me first."
"Whatever happened to 'ladies first'?" She asked, with a smile.
"Death...does not count."
"Sure it does; is all chivalry dead?"
"I'd hardly call that chivalry." I was plenty chivalrous--and letting her die first was a ridiculous concept. "Besides...don't women live longer than men do anyway?"
She chuckled once, "Not in this case. Call it what you will. Just know that...to me...no one could ever be better than you. Which is defined as a god, is it not? My god." She said, pointing to herself like a child claiming their prize.
Yes, I was hers--I didn't know about the god part of it, but I'd take it. I chuckled and began rocking her from side to side, "Oh, Bella...you are so cute."
I kissed her temple and tightened my hold on her, as the door opened and Charlie walked in, saying, "Bella?! I'm home. How was your--"
Charlie saw me and Edward--neither of us had moved--and anger and hatred for me took place of his eagerness to see Bella, as he froze in place and glared at us, throwing dagger set on fire at me in his mind.
- Chapter 1: Nothing
- Chapter 2: Risks
- Chapter 3: Life and Death
- Chapter 4: Carpe Diem
- Chapter 5: Proposal
- Chapter 6: Breakfast
- Chapter 7: Grizzly Bear
- Chapter 8: Mountain Lions
- Chapter 9: Control
- Chapter 10: Misery
- Chapter 11: Realizations
- Chapter 12: Courage
- Chapter 13: Intimacies
- Chapter 14: Alone
- Chapter 15: Sex Dream
- Chapter 16: Discussions
- Chapter 17: Third Time's a Charm
- Chapter 18: Celebration
- Chapter 19: Triumph
- Chapter 20: First Night
- Chapter 21: The Civil War
- Chapter 22: Absurdities
- Chapter 23: Dealings
- Chapter 24: Unrepentance
- Chapter 25: Comfort
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- 29 Oct 08
- 02 Sep 14