This is La Tua Cantante in Edward's POV--as was promised. A lot of your unanswered questions from BPOV will be answered in this story. So I hope you enjoy and please rate and comment. I love hearing from you guys!
3. Chapter 3: Life and Death
Rating 5/5 Word Count 3383 Review this Chapter
"Edward." Carlisle stood behind me.
"Carlisle!" I scrambled to my feet, shaking my head, delirously, "Please, please...she--I--she made me--I didn't--what do I--what are we going to do?"
"Shh..." Carlisle took Bella from my arms, "It's all right. We can save her. All is not lost, Edward. Help me."
He gestured to his bag, so I picked it up and led the way to Bella's room. Carlisle set Bella down gently on the bed and began working to save her.
I backed into a corner and watched in numb horror as Carlisle began an IV and cleaned her wound.
The wound that I had given her. God, why couldn't I just die? Why did I have to keep hurting Bella?
Carlisle concentrated as he worked, ignoring my presence, knowing that in this condition, I was of no use to him. I would only make matters worse. Like they could be any worse.
When would I learn? When would I gain the strenth to resist her blood completely? Could I? Sometimes I feared that one of us would inevitably die. What else was there? So long as she was human, our work was cut out for us and I was destined to ruin her life over and over again.
Once Carlisle had the wound bandaged and the Morphine going, he covered Bella with a blanket and then came over and knelt beside me.
'Edward...it was the only way. You had to do it.' He thought, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
I didn't answer, but merely glared at Bella's unconscious body on the bed. What had I done? How could I have let things get this out of hand? Bella was nearly dead because of me...a habit I just couldn't seem to break.
"She'll be fine, Edward." Carlisle said softly.
I still didn't answer; I didn't even look at him.
"Edward, look at me."
I obliged, unable to not do so, and saw nothing but his overwhelming compassion in his eyes.
"This was her choice. She could not let you die; she needs you. She needs you...as you need her to live. I know you understand that. She loves you...we all do."
I shook my head, "Carlisle...I almost killed her. To save myself. That is not a good enough reason. No reason is good enough for me to put her in danger like that."
"Nothing ever is, my son. But, your life is the most precious gift to us all. We can't live without you anymore. When you left us to mourn for your loss of Bella...it killed me and Esme. It tore us up inside to lose you. We cannot lose you again...we won't be capable of surviving it. I know I wouldn't."
I simply stared at him, amazed by his unconditional love for me.
'Now, everything is fine; Bella will be okay, you're alive, and once again, we prove the bonds between our family to be unbreakable.'
I smiled sadly and he said, "You can't blame yourself for all the bad in her life. It was necessary. No one blames you--least of all: Bella."
"Why did you let Bella ask me? You should have stopped her! You shouldn't have let her save me! You should've let me die."
If it wasn't for him, none of this would've happened. I would've simply died and Bella would not be practically dead because of her stupidity. How could he have let her ask me such a ridiculous thing? He put the idea into her head...if it wasn't for him...she wouldn't be in this position right now.
'Edward, please...hear me out.' Like I had a choice. "It is no coincidence that you contracted this disease. You remember...how I used to tell you of the disease that the Volturi used against its enemies? The one...that literally tortured a person to death..." He cringed on the word "death" and I saw the pain it caused him, memories of it flooding his mind, torturing him as he saw the pain of others.
"Distruzione." I said, softly, remembering the stories he had told me many times before.
"Mm." Carlisle remembered other victims that had been tortured endlessly with this disease until the merciless members of the Volturi finally decided their pain was enough and gave them the sweet, beautiful release of death...God, they were so lucky...
I could feel their pain and hear their endless, excruciating screams in my head...now haunted by the memories I was forced to relive. I screamed, clutched my head, and doubled over, struggling desperately to ease my pain.
"Shh..." Carlisle pulled me into his arms, holding me in a tight, loving embrace, "It's okay, Edward, it's all over. I promise you--it's all over."
I clung to him and forced myself to forget my pain. Once he released me, I said, with a trembling voice, "Carlisle--it--I heard the screams...the screams of all my...victims..." I cringed on the word and flinched involuntarily, "The pain--" my voice cracked on the word, "the pain--I felt the pain I inflicted upon them...oh, God..." I sobbed, tearless sobs, "...it was horrible...how did they endure it? What kind of monster am I? I didn't--I couldn't--"
I shook my head fiercely, forcing myself to forget my pain enough to make sense, "Bella--" that soothed me and made me feel something besides pain again, "Bella was my only memory of reality." And what a beautiful memory she was.
Carlisle was struggling to hide the pain he felt for me, but he couldn't...even if I couldn't read his mind, it was written in his facial features...he was in pain. He shook his head, "You're not a monster. The Volturi just want you to believe you are. They wanted a method to not only kill, but torture their victims. To make them suffer. Don't give in to them. It's not true...you are not the man you were; you have to know that, son."
How could I not? Nothing he said could change what I had done. I was evil...no one could deny it...not him, not Esme, not Bella...they could never understand how it felt. The endless pain and torture I felt everyday for the mistakes I had made. They could never understand the...monstrous torment of taking someone's life.
"To take a life is the worst of pain to inflict on someone." Carlisle reminded me, causing me to wince. He smiled apologetically, 'Sorry.' "They found a way to combine the pain of those you killed and forced you to bear it. To drive you to insanity or to simply revel in your pain, I'll never know, but it was invented in case they felt threatened by someone...in case someone attempted to overthrow them and take over. To ensure their power could not be exceeded by any means."
"But, I don't want to take over their damn power! I don't care about overthrowing them; I don't even want to...all I want is for them to leave me alone! Why won't they just..." I buried my face miserably in my hands and choked out the words: "And...the other pain?" I shuddered as I remembered it.
Carlisle sighed resignedly, "Edward, I wish I knew. I wish I could have the perfect explanation for everything. But, I don't. The Volturi never entrusted that to me. I don't know how it works. All I know is that it was created to destroy a vampire. Hence the name--destruction. It was created to make you live every pain and become...nothing." That was true. "I suppose the love that you and bella share cannot be destroyed--even by Destruction, itself. That was the one thing that could not be taken away from you."
I simply stared into space, trying to absorb it and make sense of it all. Carlisle's thoughts were filled with his endless compassion and sympathy and love for me. It didn't make sense. How could he love me after everything I've done? I didn't deserve such devotion and love.
"I'm a monster," I repeated, through clenched teeth, refusing to let his attempts to sway me work...nothing could ever change my mind. Only a monster could have done all this.
"You are not a monster!" Carlisle said, firmly, "Edward, you have done so much good."
"So that makes up for everything?! For all that I've done! No amount of good deeds can erase my past."
Carlisle sighed and simply considered that. 'Edward, please, don't do this.'
"No, I am." I said, stubbornly, "I have to take responsibility for my actions. If that means I die, then so be it. I was ready to go a long time ago anyway."
"But, I am not ready to lose you. Edward, you can't beat yourself up over every mistake you've made. All you can do is learn from them."
"Stop making excuses for me!" I nearly sobbed, "I don't deserve it. I'm a murderer!"
"That's enough...Edward." Carlisle said, in his voice that showed his authority, "I am not going to listen to this. Why do you insist on blaming yourself?"
"It's not blame, Carlisle. I'm taking responsibility for all the lives I've ruined...including Bella's." I looked over at her and felt myself weaken at the sight of her so...dead.
"You think you've ruined Bella's life?" Carlisle said, softly, his compassion showing itself now more than ever.
"Look at her, Carlisle! She...everytime her life has fallen apart, it was because of me. How many times have I risked her life? Then, I practically killed her by leaving her." And myself as well, but he didn't need to know that...this was not about me; it was never about me...it was about her and her pain. "I felt her pain...I felt the pain she felt when I left...and all I wanted was to die. That pain was the worst pain I have ever felt...worse than becoming a vampire, worse than the disease...God, I don't know how she survived it. I nearly died from it...what does that say about me?"
"I am looking at her, Edward. And you know what I see? I see her love for you. I see her need to do anything to have you in her life. If she had lost you, she would've died anyways, we both know that. I wouldn't've been able to help her...no one could. At least now, she has a chance."
I hung my head, in shame and anger.
"Any chance she has of survival lies in you." He assured me.
"No..." I shook my head and struggled through my words, "No, don't say that to me. Don't say that to me."
Then, as if my worst nightmare had come to life...as if I was falling into the hell of the disease again...Bella's heart rate and breathing sped up...not in the way it did when I would look at her or touch her or hold her or kiss her--no, this was unhealthy...
Her breathing became hard and forced as she struggled through each one, her heart racing to keep her alive.
Carlisle and I looked at each other, knowing what this meant.
She was dying. My Bella was dying...my beautiful angel was dying...
"NO!" I yelled, rushing to her side.
Carlisle followed behind me frantically, saying, "I didn't prepare for this; she needs a blood transfusion now."
I took her face in my hands and gently shook her, "Bella, no! Bella, please! Don't do this. BELLA!" I collapsed weakly to my knees and pulled her into my trembling arms, holding her as close as I could. "Bella."
Her blood was soaking through her bandage, staining through the gauze and flowing onto her bed, staining her sheets. Oh, my God.
"Her blood's not clotting." Carlisle said, urgently. You think?! "Edward, run to the hospital and get me what I need. She needs a transfusion. Now."
What? How could I possibly leave her now? "But, I--"
I laid Bella down and jumped out her window, running to the hospital, as fast as I could...hoping...praying...that somehow she would be spared.
I struggled to keep my legs moving, using all my strength to do so, unable to run as fast, considering how weak I was with the pain of the possibility of losing her...
I usually loved the feel of running so fast--the wind against my skin, everything passing by me in a blur, my legs carrying me at such an incredible rate with no difficulties.
But, right now, I felt nothing. All the exhilaration and excitement was gone--replaced by worry, anxiety, and most of all self-loathing.
If anything happened to her--I couldn't finish the thought. The mere thought caused me to stagger involuntarily and trip over a tree stump.
"NO!" I climbed back to my feet and ran harder and faster than ever before, my mind set on one thing: Bella. Save Bella. Save Bella! Save...Bella!
I reached the storage room of the hospital and went through all the blood that had been donated. It only took a second for me to go through it all only to find that they were out of Bella's blood type.
No! No, this could not be happening; not now! She only had a matter of minutes at the rate she was losing blood. How the hell do they run out of the supply of her blood type? It didn't make any sense.
I double checked all the vials and storage containers. "DAMN IT!" I yelled, angrily, throwing the vials against the wall, causing them to shatter and the blood splattered all over the walls, running down the walls to the floor.
I was so angry and determined to save Bella though that I literally could not even smell the blood, yet alone desire it.
I went through every storage container, trashing them angrily as each one failed to give me what I needed.
I let out a yell of rage and pain and kicked a nearby table, causing it to collapse.
I had no choice now but to simply get enough coaulation medications and a platelet supply to hold her over while I ran to the nearest hospital and stole some of their blood. It could easily be replaced; Bella could not. Bella would live. Whether Carlisle supported me or not, I would do this. It was the only option.
I searched through Carlisle's personal supply of equipment, found exactly what I needed, grabbed all I could, and ran back to Bella's--my fear and anger somehow giving me the strength to be even faster than my normal rate--so that I could get to her in time.
When I reached Bella, I found Carlisle holding her in the crook of his arm, applying pressure to the wound to keep the blood contained.
"They're all out of her blood type." I said, frantically, getting everything ready to give her the coagulants, combining all I could to make it as strong as I could, "We'll just have to give her platelets to hold her over."
Carlisle shook his head, worriedly, "We don't have time for another delivery. We're losing her, Edward. She's going fast."
"Don't you think I know that, damn it!" I practically yelled, "What else can we do? We don't have any other options."
Bella twitched unconsciously in Carlisle's arms as I administered the platelets and coagulants to her and Carlisle attended to the wound once again.
"We don't have time...she'll die." I said, firmly, "I'll run to the nearest hospital and get some blood there. They're bound to have her blood type."
Carlisle looked up at me. "Edward, no--"
"DON'T--please, don't. Not now. We have to save Bella. We'll replace it later."
He opened his mouth to respond, but I was already running off. 'Edward!' I ignored his pleas and kept running. He have her a transfusion, using what blood he had available to him, even though it was not 100% compatible, it would have to do for now.
After finding what I needed in Seattle, I ran back to help, seeing the failure in Carlisle's mind.
No. It had failed. I ran harder, taking faster shortcuts.
When I arrived, Carlisle rose to his feet and began fixing what had gone wrong now that he had the necessary supplies.
"It didn't take. Now, her blood is clotting too much. It's clotting in the arteries--the blood can't get to the rest of her body...it's merely regurgitating back into her heart. Her heart is flooding."
"Merely?!" I said, angrily, "No! This is not happening! Fix it!"
"Edward, I can't--"
'You need to calm down.'
"No...I will not calm down. Fix. It."
Carlisle gave her some plasma and leukocytes, hoping to help decrease the clotting at least. Then, he gave her the blood transfusion and we waited for it to take.
Slowly but surely, the blood worked its way through her system, unclotting her blood, combining with it, working to bring her back to life.
The stench of the unfamiliar blood made me wrinkle my nose involuntarily in protest. It didn't smell bad by any means, it just...wasn't the same. It wasn't the sweet familiar aroma of freesia that her blood had...it was foreign; different. It was more like a dead scent of freesia mixed in with all the anti-coagulants and Morphine...God...what did I do?
After we were absolutely sure it took, Carlisle sighed, relieved, "Thank God! Oh, Edward..." he placed a hand on my shoulder, "I could not have done it without you, son."
"You wouldn't have had to." I reminded him, glaring angrily at her still unconscious form.
Life was slowly flowing through her, building. Her strength was building and I knew she would be okay. But, that didn't change anything. Because I was still the monster that did that to her.
"Yes...but, I also wouldn't have had anything else either. I would've lost another amazing part of my life...and I don't think that's a sacrifice any of us would've been willing to make."
I didn't answer him. It was no use arguing; it would literally go on forever and that was not exactly how I wanted to spend my forever.
My forever was lying on that bed--and that was the most important thing right now.
'Edward...' I forced myself to look at Carlisle. 'I love you.'
I nodded in response and forced a smile. He clapped me on the back, hugged me, and then said, "I'll leave you two alone. Let me know if you need anything."
I nodded again and he left without another word, leaving me to my Bella.
I simply stood there, debating internally, before approaching her side reluctantly. I sat down beside her and took her still lifeless hand in both of mine and held it, examining it closely, before kissing it and holding it to my chest. I could feel her blood increasing its flow slowly in her hand, gradually building up.
I simply watched her as she slept--as her life came back--praying with all my might that she would come back and that I would die if she didn't.
I hung my head in shame and then forced myself to look at her, struggling not to break down. "Please come back to me." I whispered, reching out and caressing her face lightly, feeling the warmth return to it, "I need you."
"Edward--" she managed to weakly choke out, as a tear streamed down her cheek.
I kissed it off and rested my forehead against hers, closed my eyes, and simply waited--for a miracle, for her, for my love to return to me as I had done for her.
Her strength gradually returned and she was eventually back to normal.
As I watched her sleep, knowing I had almost lost her, I grew angry again. It was ridiculous of her to ask me what she did, not even caring about her own life. It was clear that in that moment, her life was nothing to her. It was...simply a meaningless game that she was willing to lose.
I was so angry that I had to let go of her hand, so as to not break it, and clench my fists tightly. I stared at her, thinking about what I had done to her, loathing myself for putting her into this position.
- Chapter 1: Nothing
- Chapter 2: Risks
- Chapter 3: Life and Death
- Chapter 4: Carpe Diem
- Chapter 5: Proposal
- Chapter 6: Breakfast
- Chapter 7: Grizzly Bear
- Chapter 8: Mountain Lions
- Chapter 9: Control
- Chapter 10: Misery
- Chapter 11: Realizations
- Chapter 12: Courage
- Chapter 13: Intimacies
- Chapter 14: Alone
- Chapter 15: Sex Dream
- Chapter 16: Discussions
- Chapter 17: Third Time's a Charm
- Chapter 18: Celebration
- Chapter 19: Triumph
- Chapter 20: First Night
- Chapter 21: The Civil War
- Chapter 22: Absurdities
- Chapter 23: Dealings
- Chapter 24: Unrepentance
- Chapter 25: Comfort
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- 29 Oct 08
- 09 Jan 09