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Getting to Know the Cullen Coven

Summary:
Set after Breaking Dawn; While talking to the Cullens about their little quirks, Charlie finds out the hard way that Renesmee doesn't always understand "need to know"


Notes:
What would Charlie's reaction be if he was talking to the Cullens, and he got a little more information than he bargained for?


2. Waking up with the Cullens

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1172   Review this Chapter

“Charlie?!”

“Dad!”

“Grandpa!”

Everyone jumped up at once, trying to help Charlie, and mostly getting in the way.

“What happened to Grandpa Charlie?” Renesmee was worried, looking between Bella and Edward. “Why did he just fall asleep like that?”

“Ness…”Edward looked chagrined at Bella, who gave him a ’not that again’ look, “Renesmee… your grandfather isn’t used to your gift; I’m afraid your breakfast was a little too shocking to him. And it’s not nice to show Grandpa Charlie Daddy and Mommy’s …um… special moments.”

“Whoo! Nessie!, You’ve been holding out too! You gotta tell your Uncle Emmett when you catch Mommy and Daddy! I’ve been waiting 80 years to embarrass your dad!”

“Emmett, if you’ve been ‘waiting’ to embarrass me for 80 years, you haven’t been paying attention. I assure you, she didn’t show Charlie anything that you haven’t seen. It’s just not polite to show that to a girl’s father.”

“All I’ve ever seen you and Bella do is kiss… you call that a ‘special moment’? What a prude! What century were you born in! Oh, yeah… that’s what got us into this mess. You know, when Rose and I have a ‘special moment’ it’s usually a lot more exciting. ”

“Emmett!” growled Rosalie.

Edward glared at Emmett “Need I remind you that my young and impressionable daughter is standing right here?”

“Er, sorry, Nessie… just don’t ask Jake for any special moments for a while…OW… Bella!”

Bella looked at Emmett with a sweetly innocent look in her eyes, all the while baring her teeth at him.

“Geez! You have got to remember that you’re going to be extra strong for a while, Bella!” Emmett was rubbing his upper arm with a grimace.

“Bella? Where am I? I had this terrible dream…I dreamt…I dreamt…. that you and Edward and Ness, and all the Cullens were… vampires…”Charlie whispered the last word, and opened his eyes, blinking several times. “Oh hell. I’m still here… I wasn’t dreaming… was I?”

“Here, let’s help you up, you can lie down on the couch till you’re feeling better,” said Alice.

“I’ll help you, Charlie! You’re nothing compared to an irritable grizzly!” Emmett boomed, scooping Charlie up and depositing him a little less than gently on the couch.

“Grizzly?! I thought…vegetarian?” Charlie still had a dazed look as he took in the six, well, five and a half… v-a-m-p-i-r-e-s standing around him.

“Are you really sure you want to know this? You haven’t ever wanted to know before…” Edward said, trying to spare Charlie’s heart.

“I survived Jake exploding into…” Charlie shuddered, “a dog after his little strip tease…”

Charlie and Edward both shuddered at Charlie’s memory of Jacob Black stripping down before phasing.

“That’s something I’d prefer you to not think of in my presence.” Edward shuddered again. Emmett grimaced. He didn’t need Edward’s ability to picture the situation. He made perfectly vivid pictures on his own.

“Oh, sorry…you get pictures too, huh?”

“Unfortunately.” Edward grimaced at Charlie’s next thought. “That too. I never knew that I could be eviscerated in so many different ways. You can be a dangerous man Charlie. I think Bella is more like you than she thinks.”

A very sheepish Charlie muttered, “Sorry…so, vegetarian?”

“Sorry Dad, it’s a private joke; what Renesmee meant is our family doesn’t drink human blood. We rely on animals.”

“Oh, that’s good, I guess. Animals…like… grizzlies?” Charlie whispered with big eyes, still somewhat shell shocked. He looked over at Emmett’s huge form standing next to the couch and unconsciously slid further down in his seat, away from Emmett.

“That’s my favorite! Nothin’ like a good angry bear to get the blood pumping; except…we don’t have pumping hearts… well, you know what I mean,” said Emmett.

“We mostly hunt deer, and elk. We all love a little big game though, when the population can support it,” chimed Jasper, speaking for the first time since Charlie regained consciousness. At the same time, Jasper let loose another wave of calm.

“Wow… thanks for that… You know? You’re better than those Valiums Rene used to take. Is that how we pulled off the wedding?”

“Of course! We couldn’t have you and Rene blubbering the whole time! It would have ruined the pictures!” Alice seemed surprised that Charlie hadn’t thought of that himself.

“Hello! We’re home!”

Renesmee jumped up and ran to the front door. “Grandma Esme! Grandpa Carlisle! Guess what?! Grandpa Charlie is here!“ Renesmee leapt up into Esme’s arms, and showed both her and Carlisle the conversation that led to Charlie’s introduction to the floor.

“Renesmee! You know what your daddy says about sharing too much with Grandpa Charlie,” Esme scolded softly.

“Sorry,” Renesmee said, only momentarily chagrinned. “Guess what! Grandpa Charlie said he wanted to shoot and e-vis-er-ate Daddy!”

“Who’s eviscerating Edward, and why wasn’t I invited?”

“Jake!” Renesmee cried, leaping into his arms from Esme’s.

“Jacob! What have I told you about making comments like that in front of Renesmee?” Bella looked past Esme to give Jacob a glare as the three newcomers came in and joined the family in the living room.

“Sorry, MOM,” said Jacob.

“Uh oh,” said Edward, taking his daughter from Jacob.

“WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT YOU CALLING ME MOM!!!” Bella yelled at Jacob, forcing him to cover his ears.

“Geez, Bella, lighten up! You know I’ll be calling you that someday, why not start now?”

Bella pounced on Jacob, knocking him down to the floor, and pointing her finger in his face. “You will wait until that day, if you know what’s good for you!”

Edward was triumphant where he sat, just watching the proceedings; enjoying every minute of his wife taking the dog down a notch.

“WHOOO!!” yelled Emmett.

“Go Bella! Take the big bad wolf down! Watch the table!” said Alice, Rosalie and Esme.

“Wow, Edward, you weren’t joking; she’s got a wild side! Is that why you had to replace the bed at Isle Esme?” Emmett was positively gleeful now.

Edward gave Emmett another glare, muttered to him so Charlie couldn’t hear, “You would do well to remember the terms of our agreement after your arm wrestling loss.”

With that reminder, Emmett looked like a little boy at a carnival who had just accidentally let go of his helium balloon.

“Speaking of Isle Esme, Edward, while we were there, we spoke to Kaure and Gustavo…” Carlisle suddenly had a rare smirk grace his lips. “They were…” Carlisle cleared his throat, “relieved to know that ‘Mr. Edward’ did not eat his lovely bride. She also asked if you are going to burst any more pillows, could you please not use feather pillows.”

Edward looked at Bella, and they both looked embarrassed, then they both started sniggering. Emmett was on the floor, rolling and laughing uncontrollably. Jacob and Charlie both looked a little green, while Alice, Jasper, Esme and Carlisle were softly laughing. Rosalie rolled her eyes at her husband, but started smiling as well.

“Mommy, why would Daddy eat you? Did you have a pillow fight? Oh!” Renesmee’s eyes were suddenly big and round. “Sorry Daddy, is that a ‘special moment?’ or can I have a pillow fight with Jake?”

Emmett was so far gone now, that he couldn’t even speak coherently. Charlie, however, was confused; suddenly he remembered what Jake said.

“Jacob, why on earth would you call Bella Mom?”