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Getting to Know the Cullen Coven

Summary:
Set after Breaking Dawn; While talking to the Cullens about their little quirks, Charlie finds out the hard way that Renesmee doesn't always understand "need to know"


Notes:
What would Charlie's reaction be if he was talking to the Cullens, and he got a little more information than he bargained for?


3. Is That Like Those Elvis Guys in Vegas?

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1534   Review this Chapter

Is that like those Elvis guys in Vegas?

“Jacob, why on earth would you call Bella Mom?”

Everyone stopped laughing, and looked to see what Jacob would say. Jacob looked like a lamb being prepared for the slaughter.

“Bella, you’ve gotta help me outta this,” Jake said.

“Sorry Jake. Seems like you dug your own hole there,” Bella said with a smug grin on her face.

“Edward…Dad,” Jacob tried next.

“I don’t think so. I’ve been mentally shot, tazed, and eviscerated enough for one day. I think I’ll just sit back and enjoy the show. Good luck with that,” Edward was really enjoying this now. As much as he may have accepted Jacob into his life and his daughter’s as a permanent fixture, he had a score to settle. Renesmee settled her head on Edward’s shoulder and drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the day’s excitement.

“Charlie, you don’t have your gun with you, do you?” Jacob asked.

“I never carry my gun off duty, you know that Jake… wait, why would I need my gun?”

“Um, Charlie, you just admitted to having wanted to shoot Edward…I know I heal fast and all, but I don’t want to get shot…” Jake was turning greener now than when he was trying not to think about Edward and Bella having a pillow fight on their honeymoon.

Emmett was just watching the action and the banter trade back and forth like a champion match at Wimbledon.

“Jake…you’re making me nervous… I’ve had several bombs dropped on me today… do I need to shoot you?” Charlie was starting to lose his confused look to his suspicious look, which was quickly losing ground to his best this dirt-bag is hiding something from me cop look.

“NO! No, no, no! That’s not what I mean…um, how much of our ways has Sue explained to you?” Jacob was now grey and starting to sweat.

“Sue? Well, not much to be honest…why?” Charlie was still holding on to his I’m going to make you crap your pants cop look.

“Well, you remember how Sam and Leah used to go out?” Jacob was desperate now.

“Sam? Leah? Yeah. I remember Leah was real shook up for a long time about that. No one could figure out what happened. Why he would drop Leah all of a sudden for her cousin. Caused quite a lot of ugly talk.” Charlie was relaxing his face into his I’ll make you pee your pantscop look.

Jacob took that as a good sign. He plowed on, “Well, you see Sam, he Imprinted with Emily.”

“Im...what? What does that mean? Is that like those Elvis guys down in Vegas?” Charlie was confused again.

Emmett could contain himself no longer. He dropped to the floor laughing, clutching his stomach, his words nearly incomprehensible.

“Vegas… dogs… sideburns…rhinestonepolyestersuits…Chapel…of…looooove!” Emmett was lost to the very school-girlish giggles escaping his lips, thanks to Jasper sending him a wave of giddiness.

Edward was close to losing it. Alice was folded in half in the chair next to the couch, shaking with silent laughter. Rosalie was laughing, though she was fairly composed; years of marriage to Emmett had considerably raised her laughing composure. Carlisle and Esme were pursing their lips in an attempt to not laugh at their son’s father-in-law.

Bella gave Jasper a pointed look and a raised eyebrow, silently asking him to help the situation, rather than hinder it. Suddenly, the room was saturated with calming vibes. Jacob stopped hyperventilating, and everyone else was able to stop laughing; Emmett started to make sense again.

“Oh Jacob…we could get you a nice white jumpsuit…I bet Alice knows right where to get one!” Emmett was ready to burst with all the embarrassing things they could foist off onto Jacob.

“Dad…those are impersonators… Jake was talking about a Quileute thing…they call it im-print-ing,” Bella explained to a dubious Charlie.

“Imprinting? What does that have to do with Sam, Leah, Emily, and Jacob? I mean what exactly is it?”

“Well, when a Quileute starts to shift, he has the potential to…um…focus…his…love, his whole being to the welfare of one woman. It’s a lifelong bond of the deepest kind. We live to make her happy, and safe,” Jacob was lost in his description now, an awed look glazing over his face. His eyes then settled on Renesmee, snuggled safe and sound; asleep in Edward’s arms.

“Wow Jake, you sound like you’re speaking from experience….” Charlie trailed off, his eyes suddenly took in the puppy dog look on Jacob’s face, and followed his gaze to Edward. “Jake, I thought you said it was a woman…”

“What?” Jacob was confused.

“I assure you, Charlie, if Jacob had somehow found himself imprinted on me, he would be barking a few octaves higher,” Edward said.

Charlie looked at Jacob’s glazed adoring look again, following it back to Edward and Renesmee. Bella was his only daughter; it hurt seeing her married so young. But Nessie, his only grandbaby wasn’t even two, and here, she’s…what, betrothed? Engaged? Charlie’s face slid from confusion, straight over all of his best soil your pants cop looks, and went straight to his PUT YOUR HANDS UP cop look.

Edward placed a hand over his daughter’s ear in response to a brief flash of vision from Alice, effectively cutting off all sound.

“No! Nessie?! What the hell were you thinking?!!?” Charlie was yelling at the same time he was standing up; his right hand started grabbing for his empty right hip.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let me explain! IT’S INVOLUNTARY!! I COULDN’T HELP IT!!!” Jacob started backpedalling furiously. “IT’S NOT THAT WAY!!! I AM NOT A PERVERT!!!”

“Charlie! DAD! Settle down!” Bella yelled, “He’s telling the truth; Jake didn’t have any conscious choice in the matter.”

“But she’s a BABY!” Charlie was still rubbing his hip, as though he was wishing he did carry his gun while off duty.

Edward was looking like the cat that ate the canary, and the goldfish, and the annoyingly stupid pet hamster. “Jacob, you’ve outshined even Charlie’s worst mental mauling meant for me. I’m proud to call you son.”

“You’re OK with this?!” Charlie was looking like he was seriously rethinking his opinion of Edward.

“I stand corrected. Jake, son, you’re on your own again.”

“That’s it Edward, cower behind Bella! OW! Geez! Alice, you vicious little pixie woman! Is everyone going to hit me today?!”

“Yes,” Alice and Edward said, their eyes coming back into focus after watching everyone hit Emmett at some point throughout the day.

“Dad!” Bella was now looking at Charlie with fury in her eyes.

“What?! I can’t show any emotion? Where’s Mr. Valium? I’m feeling pretty crazy right now!” Charlie was looking on the edge of hysteria.

“Jasper!” Edward, Bella, Esme, Carlisle, and Rosalie said together.

Alice gave a low growl at everyone shouting at her mate. Charlie turned around, eyes wide and alarmed, automatically taking a step back from the tiny woman before him.

“Oh. Sorry Charlie. I didn’t mean to get all possessive there,” Alice slipped immediately back into her sweet harmless persona. “Jasper, would you please refrain from giving Charlie a real need for medication?”

Suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed drastically. Everyone was feeling like they had just pinched every penny’s worth of food out of an all you can eat buffet, the day after Thanksgiving.

“Jasper!” everyone moaned.

“Sorry…too much…” Jasper relaxed, allowing everyone to feel normal again.

Bella was pinching the bridge of her nose; a mirror image of Edward while stressing. “Dad, Jake doesn’t feel romantic feelings for Renesmee… yet. Right now he’s like the best big brother, in a few years, he’ll be more. But Jake’s right. He’s not a pervert. So long as he phases, he won’t age either, so really, he’s the best man for her.”

“Thanks Bells,” said Jake.

Renesmee sat up and stretched out of Edward’s arms. “And he tastes good too!” she said with a yawn.

“Tastes good?” Charlie was looking ill again. “That, I don’t want to know.”

“Sure, sure,” said Jacob, unwilling to explain it anyways.

“To think, Bella, all these years I thought our family was dysfunctional. Now here you’ve got a nearly 400-year old, twenty-something father-in-law, and his 86-year old, twenty-something wife; living with their married 100-year old teenagers; and their half-human, half-vampire grandbaby, who by the way is engaged to the dog!” Charlie said it all in one breath, looked around, and said, “It’s been real fun spending the day with you, Bells, but I need some ESPN sports to take the edge off this landslide of information. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure Dad, I’ll walk you to your car,” Bella grabbed Renesmee and together, they walked with Grandpa Charlie out the front door.

"Grandpa, will you play with me and Jake tomorrow? I wanna have a pillow fight," said Renesmee as Charlie got into his cruiser.

"Sure, sure honey," Charlie said. Then he started the car and drove away.

Emmett looked around the room at everyone. “Well, that went well. Who wants to tell him about the Volturi?”

“OW!!! GEEZE DID YOU ALL HAVE TO HIT ME AT THE SAME TIME?!”

“Yes, Emmett. Just be glad Bella’s still outside. She may have taken your arm off” commented Edward.

“Uh oh…RUN EMMETT, RUN!” shouted Alice, just as Bella streaked into the house, handed Renesmee to Jacob and sprinted out the back door after Emmett.

Edward could just barely hear her words before she ran out of range.

“WHY ARE YOU RUNNING EMMETT? I DON’T THINK POLYESTER JUMPSUITS CAN CHAFFE A VAMPIRE!!!”