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The List...

Alice is no longer allowed to have any fun. The Cullens make a list of 105 rules and facts she must follow and understand. But Alice is planning her revenge... and boy will it be sweet...


1. The One Hundred and Five Rules and Facts...

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1005   Review this Chapter

Alice POV

Oh my god. I swear that list gets longer every time I look at it. These Cullen’s are out to get me. Grr… I march angrily over to the new list that has been stuck to the wall with pretty pink tack. I think I might eat the list this time. Or tell them that I can’t follow these rules because the Martian law tells me otherwise… Hmm… I stare at it, not really reading it at first. I gawk at the size of it. I HAVE ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE RULES AND FACTS I MUST FOLLOW AND UNDERSTAND?!

I don’t think they want me to have fun anymore.

Stupid freaking vampires… I don’t even think they’re real…

Might do some cloning later… or find Mike Newton… yum.

I scan down the list quickly, reading at supahquickvampyahspeed.

Rules and Facts Alice Must Follow and Understand:

  1. You are to follow these rules, despite what Emmett says
  2. You are not a bunny
  3. Nor are you a pixie
  4. You must not hide in your closet for three days, pretending to be in excruciating pain
  5. Nor must you hide in anyone’s closet, for any reason
  6. Yes, that includes Bella’s
  7. Jasper is your husband, not your Barbie or Ken doll
  8. Emmett is not gay, he is happily married to Rosalie
  9. Rosalie is not a lesbian
  10. Either is Edward
  11. You are not allowed to be seen with Emmett in public
  12. You are not allowed to be near Emmett, period
  13. Edward is not Lestat, aka Blondie, from Interview with the Vampire
  14. And you are not Claudia
  15. Sunlight does not hurt you
  16. Neither does garlic
  17. You should not pretend that these things do hurt you
  18. Rosalie is not to be attacked by ‘Alice the Glitter Monster’
  19. You are not to be trusted with scissors, after what happened the last time
  20. Bella is now a vampire, you should not try to drink her blood
  21. You are not to imitate drunk cats
  22. Or any type of drunk animal for that matter
  23. Twilight is not the time of day to throw rocks at people
  24. Nor is any time of the day
  25. You are not to play seven day marathons of The Sims 2 Double Deluxe
  26. Edward and Bella are not Sims
  27. Yelling at them to eat food or go to the toilet will not make them do so
  28. Renesmee is a baby, You are not allowed to poke her 24/7
  29. Nessie is not to be worshipped as a god, it makes Edward feel bad
  30. Edward is not a god either, it makes Bella feel jealous
  31. Praying for twelve ours a day will not make the world flood with chocolate
  32. Mojo Jojo is a fictional character from the Powerpuff Girls
  33. You are not to try to convince little kids he’s real
  34. You are not Bubbles
  35. Rosalie is not Buttercup
  36. Emmett is not Blossom
  37. You should not stare at Carlisle while he watches porn, it makes him uncomfortable
  38. Talcum power is not be used as a toy rocket
  39. And you can’t blame Emmett for ‘sperm-ing’ up the carpet when you drop glasses of milk
  40. No, Coca Cola does not contain magical powers
  41. Either does hairspray
  42. Stalking Paris Hilton will not make you famous
  43. You mustn’t write all the Cullen’s cell phone number’s in the boy’s bathrooms
  44. Playing pirate in the bathtub is not permitted
  45. Mars does not have an outer space parliament
  46. And no, you can’t ignore these rules because the Martian law says otherwise
  47. Vampires are real
  48. Jasper is not to be used for super fun time
  49. Because his pelvis hurts for days afterwards
  50. You must not try to count all his battle scars
  51. It makes Jasper feel emo and self conscious
  52. Emmett is not a ballerina
  53. Mike Newton is not a sex toy
  54. Either is Eric Yorkie’s Pokemon Manual
  55. You are not permitted to sneak onto private jets and steal celebrities clothing
  56. You are not permitted to steal anyone’s clothing
  57. Edward doesn't appreciate it when you try to give Bella ‘a good time’.
  58. Toast is human food. It doesn't possess any blood
  59. Broccoli is not Satan
  60. Chocolate is not a life source
  61. Making clones is illegal on all planets
  62. Videoing Edward and Bella having sex then putting it on PornTube is not a good idea, therefore it is forbidden
  63. You may not eat this list
  64. Tampons are not meant for vampires
  65. Sticking a towel in you pants will not make you menstruate
  66. Eating babies will not make you pregnant
  67. Carlisle is not to be made fun of because he sucks his thumb when he’s happy
  68. Shooting Edward will only annoy him
  69. Rosalie is not the person to talk to about picking noses
  70. Sneaking up on people and tying them in dental floss is not a turn on
  71. Making Bella draw you naked will not make her a lesbian
  72. The CSI team is not out to get you
  73. Either are the evil fairies
  74. Asylums are not places you leave children during the day
  75. Bella does not have balls
  76. Nor does Rosalie
  77. Nor does Esme
  78. Carlisle won’t let you get a bunny, deal with it
  79. Offering to wax Edward’s chest is an insult
  80. Trying to give Emmett a bikini wax will only make him giggle, not scream
  81. Tanya is not a witch
  82. Nor does she fly on a broomstick and cackle at night
  83. You are not allowed to prank the Volturi
  84. Speaking with a Texan accent will only make Jasper horny. You are not permitted to speak like that in front of the family or in public.
  85. Blood is red, not blue
  86. Your eyes are not green
  87. Lying about the future only scares people. Don’t do it
  88. Dogs don’t appreciate it when you try to seductively rape them with hand puppets
  89. Either do the rest of the Cullens
  90. Or the Volturi
  91. Lying on Carlisle’s desk naked and smoking pot is not permitted
  92. Hippies are not trying to take over the world
  93. You can’t run to Pluto
  94. Making aerosol cans explode in peoples gardens isn't funny
  95. Nessie isn't the LochNess Monster
  96. Jacob can’t shape shift into a space ship, no matter how hard he tries
  97. Making fun of Jake’s gullible-ness isn't permitted at any time
  98. Emos cannot fly
  99. Nor can you
  100. Hiding a bucket of KFC in Edward’s closet will not attract cooties
  101. Singing High School Musical songs is not sexy
  102. Edward will kill you if you drool whilst thinking about Bella
  103. Emmett is not hot for you
  104. Neither is Edward, Carlisle or Bella
  105. You are not allowed to add anything more to this list

That is it.

I know exactly how to get my revenge on them now….