The List...

Alice POV

Oh my god. I swear that list gets longer every time I look at it. These Cullen’s are out to get me. Grr… I march angrily over to the new list that has been stuck to the wall with pretty pink tack. I think I might eat the list this time. Or tell them that I can’t follow these rules because the Martian law tells me otherwise… Hmm… I stare at it, not really reading it at first. I gawk at the size of it. I HAVE ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE RULES AND FACTS I MUST FOLLOW AND UNDERSTAND?!

I don’t think they want me to have fun anymore.

Stupid freaking vampires… I don’t even think they’re real…

Might do some cloning later… or find Mike Newton… yum.

I scan down the list quickly, reading at supahquickvampyahspeed.

Rules and Facts Alice Must Follow and Understand:

1. You are to follow these rules, despite what Emmett says
2. You are not a bunny
3. Nor are you a pixie
4. You must not hide in your closet for three days, pretending to be in excruciating pain
5. Nor must you hide in anyone’s closet, for any reason
6. Yes, that includes Bella’s
7. Jasper is your husband, not your Barbie or Ken doll
8. Emmett is not gay, he is happily married to Rosalie
9. Rosalie is not a lesbian
10. Either is Edward
11. You are not allowed to be seen with Emmett in public
12. You are not allowed to be near Emmett, period
13. Edward is not Lestat, aka Blondie, from Interview with the Vampire
14. And you are not Claudia
15. Sunlight does not hurt you
16. Neither does garlic
17. You should not pretend that these things do hurt you
18. Rosalie is not to be attacked by ‘Alice the Glitter Monster’
19. You are not to be trusted with scissors, after what happened the last time
20. Bella is now a vampire, you should not try to drink her blood
21. You are not to imitate drunk cats
22. Or any type of drunk animal for that matter
23. Twilight is not the time of day to throw rocks at people
24. Nor is any time of the day
25. You are not to play seven day marathons of The Sims 2 Double Deluxe
26. Edward and Bella are not Sims
27. Yelling at them to eat food or go to the toilet will not make them do so
28. Renesmee is a baby, You are not allowed to poke her 24/7
29. Nessie is not to be worshipped as a god, it makes Edward feel bad
30. Edward is not a god either, it makes Bella feel jealous
31. Praying for twelve ours a day will not make the world flood with chocolate
32. Mojo Jojo is a fictional character from the Powerpuff Girls
33. You are not to try to convince little kids he’s real
34. You are not Bubbles
35. Rosalie is not Buttercup
36. Emmett is not Blossom
37. You should not stare at Carlisle while he watches porn, it makes him uncomfortable
38. Talcum power is not be used as a toy rocket
39. And you can’t blame Emmett for ‘sperm-ing’ up the carpet when you drop glasses of milk
40. No, Coca Cola does not contain magical powers
41. Either does hairspray
42. Stalking Paris Hilton will not make you famous
43. You mustn’t write all the Cullen’s cell phone number’s in the boy’s bathrooms
44. Playing pirate in the bathtub is not permitted
45. Mars does not have an outer space parliament
46. And no, you can’t ignore these rules because the Martian law says otherwise
47. Vampires are real
48. Jasper is not to be used for super fun time
49. Because his pelvis hurts for days afterwards
50. You must not try to count all his battle scars
51. It makes Jasper feel emo and self conscious
52. Emmett is not a ballerina
53. Mike Newton is not a sex toy
54. Either is Eric Yorkie’s Pokemon Manual
55. You are not permitted to sneak onto private jets and steal celebrities clothing
56. You are not permitted to steal anyone’s clothing
57. Edward doesn't appreciate it when you try to give Bella ‘a good time’.
58. Toast is human food. It doesn't possess any blood
59. Broccoli is not Satan
60. Chocolate is not a life source
61. Making clones is illegal on all planets
62. Videoing Edward and Bella having sex then putting it on PornTube is not a good idea, therefore it is forbidden
63. You may not eat this list
64. Tampons are not meant for vampires
65. Sticking a towel in you pants will not make you menstruate
66. Eating babies will not make you pregnant
67. Carlisle is not to be made fun of because he sucks his thumb when he’s happy
68. Shooting Edward will only annoy him
69. Rosalie is not the person to talk to about picking noses
70. Sneaking up on people and tying them in dental floss is not a turn on
71. Making Bella draw you naked will not make her a lesbian
72. The CSI team is not out to get you
73. Either are the evil fairies
74. Asylums are not places you leave children during the day
75. Bella does not have balls
76. Nor does Rosalie
77. Nor does Esme
78. Carlisle won’t let you get a bunny, deal with it
79. Offering to wax Edward’s chest is an insult
80. Trying to give Emmett a bikini wax will only make him giggle, not scream
81. Tanya is not a witch
82. Nor does she fly on a broomstick and cackle at night
83. You are not allowed to prank the Volturi
84. Speaking with a Texan accent will only make Jasper horny. You are not permitted to speak like that in front of the family or in public.
85. Blood is red, not blue
86. Your eyes are not green
87. Lying about the future only scares people. Don’t do it
88. Dogs don’t appreciate it when you try to seductively rape them with hand puppets
89. Either do the rest of the Cullens
90. Or the Volturi
91. Lying on Carlisle’s desk naked and smoking pot is not permitted
92. Hippies are not trying to take over the world
93. You can’t run to Pluto
94. Making aerosol cans explode in peoples gardens isn't funny
95. Nessie isn't the LochNess Monster
96. Jacob can’t shape shift into a space ship, no matter how hard he tries
97. Making fun of Jake’s gullible-ness isn't permitted at any time
98. Emos cannot fly
99. Nor can you
100. Hiding a bucket of KFC in Edward’s closet will not attract cooties
101. Singing High School Musical songs is not sexy
102. Edward will kill you if you drool whilst thinking about Bella
103. Emmett is not hot for you
104. Neither is Edward, Carlisle or Bella
105. You are not allowed to add anything more to this list

That is it.

I know exactly how to get my revenge on them now….