Twilight the Kind-Of-Not-Really-A-Musical
A Musical... sort of... not really... Characters: Edward - The Stupid, Self Absorbed ONe Bella - The Person That Has Read The Twilight Series Alice - Obsessed With Bunnies Jasper - The panophobic one Emmett - The Dumb One Rosalie - The Depressed One James - The Erotic Bella & Edward fanfiction reading one Enjoy!
1. For One Night and One Night Only!
Rating 4/5 Word Count 2103 Review this Chapter
Bella: Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?!Narrator: Edward appears directly below her window, one hand on his hip and staring at his nails on the other.
Edward: Gawd Bel-lah, wud chu stop goin’ on ‘bout that guy? He is makin’ me well jealous.
Bella:I was looking for you, dumbo.
Edward: Please, don’t confizzle me Bel-lah. Chu know how I get. I like, overreact at like EVERYTHING. Can chu imagine how I wud react if chu called me Romo?
Bella: Don’t you mean Romeo?
Edward: Who the hell is Rome-ee-oh?Narrator: Bella sighs, giving up and walks away from the window. She is sick of Edward and his dumbness. He is just so self absorbed.Bella: I know! You’re so right Narrator! Narrator: Thank you, Bella. Edward moves at supahvampiyahspeed into Bella’s room and is lying on her bed. Bella, who doesn’t see Edward come in, unintentionally sits on his head. Edward laughs a retarded chuckle.
Edward: Nice view.Narrator: Bella screams and runs around in circles with her hands in the air.
Edward: Like, calm down Bel-lah. T’wasn’t that bad.
Bella: But Edward! This is like! So embarrassing! I’ll never have a decent social life with ordinary people, which means Mike Newton and I will never get married! And I’ll never have little ogre babies like in Shrek the Third!
Edward (retarded look on his face): Mike’s an ogre?
Bella: Duh Edward, where have you been the past century? Mike is an ogre in disguise.
Edward: I have been starin’ at myself in a mirror for the past one hundred years, so I don’t have much of a social life either. Anyway, let’s talk ‘bout somethin’ more excitin’.
Bella: Okay, what like?Narrator: Bella lies down next to Edward who pulls her on top of him.
Edward: Let’s talk ‘bout me.
Bella: There’s no surprise there. I’m going for a shower, where I’ll probably think about the time in New Moon where you are going to leave me and stuff, even though it hasn’t happened yet.
Edward: Why wud I leave my little Bel-lah? Chu are like, thee only one who will listen to me when I wanna talk ‘bout myself. I meen, why wudn’t anyone wanna listen to me when I talk ‘bout myself?Narrator: Bella shrugs.
Bella: Right, I’m gonna shower then we go to your house and listen to Emmett quote from every movie ever made.Edward: Row, row, row chur boat,Gently down the streamMerrily merrily merrily merrilyI am really hot.Narrator: What the hell?Scene Two – The Cullens PlaceNarrator: Everyone is sitting on the sofas, watching Jasper and Alice play BigBrainAcademy on the Nintendo Wii.
Emmett: I am your father.Narrator: Rosalie shakes her head at her harebrained husband. His brain was mauled so much by the bear that got him when he was human, even vampire venom couldn’t fix his head. So now, he picks up quotes off TV or people.
Rosalie: I wish.
Alice (bouncing as she plays the game): Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bunny!Jasper: AHH! I don’t know the answer! God! If I don’t get this right, um, I would fall back and whack my head off the sofa, which will break the sofa and Bella, Edward and Esme will fall off and that could cause the floor to cave in and we would all fall into this BIG hole that would lead to the centre of the earth and lava would shooting up and it would destroy the world as we know it!
Esme: This is such a beautiful family…
Rosalie: Such a beautiful family of imbeciles! I mean Emmett doesn't have a clue what he is talking about, all Alice says is ‘Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bunny’, Edward is obsessed with himself, and Jasper is a nervous wreck.
Emmett: Live long, and prosper.
Alice:Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bunny!
Bella: Let me play, Alice.
Alice: Can bunnies get rabies?
Bella: I don’t know or care. Let me play, Alice!
Jasper: But Bella, if you play, you’ll get up and-
Bella: And I’ll trip, causing an earthquake with will cause a volcano to go KABOOM and we’ll all die!
Jasper: No, I was going to say that if you play, you’ll get up and Alice will have to move and then she’ll run around like maniac then crash into a wall and then a-
Edward: Okay, we get dah idea Jazzy, shut up and let’s talk ‘bout me instead.
Rosalie: I feel depressed. I am going to go and attempt to cut myself again.Narrator: Rosalie leaves the room, dramatically flicking her hair and pretending to wipe a tear from her eye.
Edward: Hello? I tought we were talkin’ ‘bout me here! Does anyone have mirror? I haven’t checked myself out in like, five minutes!!Narrator:Carlisle passes his son the mirror sitting on the shelf to shut him up.
Alice: Carlisle, can we get a bunny?
Carlisle: No Alice, Jasper would just eat it.
Jasper (making hissing noises and holding a wooden crucifix that supposedly came out of nowhere): Bunnies are the work of the devil! They deserve to feel my wrath!
Alice (Shocked): Nervous wreck say what?
Jasper: You heard what I said.
Alice: You’re saying that I deserve to feel your wrath? Edward always calls me a bunny, due to my obsession with them.Narrator: Jasper smiles wickedly at Alice, picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. They disappear upstairs, never to be seen again…
Edward: Shut up Narrator! Talk ‘bout me instead of makin’ up stories about Alice and Jasper! They’ll be down after they stop messin’ ‘bout… or when Jasper starts gettin’ panophobic.Narrator:Edward Cullen used to be a paedophile before the novel twilight was written.
Edward: Sorry… um… yeah… I’ll… um… shut up now.Narrator: Good, continuing with the story.
Bella: Ew… Edward, it’s over… I can’t be with you because of you criminal record as a paedophile, especially because you’re going to be getting me pregnant in Breaking Dawn.
Edward: I hate chu Narrator! Chu’ve ruined my stinkin’ life! ROSALIE!Narrator: Mwhahaha! Edward runs off to Rosalie who is breaking knives, trying to cut herself. Edward grabs three knives and tries to self harm also.Bella: It’s out with the old and in with the new,Goodbye dear Edward, hello Mike NewtonA dip in ketchup, a trip to KFCEndless days in my wheelchairThe whole world according to JEBUS!Narrator:And Bella continues to badly sing her version of Fabulous by Ashley Tisdale, with no music and badly dancing around the room. I am ending this scene here, because she is actually making me feel nauseous.Scene Three – The VolvoNarrator: Edward and Bella managed to argue over Edward paedophilic past and forget about it. Now they are singing to the first High School Musical soundtrack.
Edward: I love chu Bell-lah
Bella (rolling eyes): What do you want Cullen?
Edward: I am goin’ to kill myself.
Edward: Dunno I don’t have anything better to do.
Bella: But… You’re supposed to go, leave me in a zombie state then I become best friends with Jacob Black who finds out he’s a werewolf, then Alice comes back and then we have to go Italy to rescue you from the Volturi!
Edward: Chu read far too much.
Bella (holding up a copy of twilight): It far more than coincidence that this book is such a perfect description of my life… I swear, that Stephenie Meyer laddie is stalkin me! AHH! I’m startin’ to talk like chu!
Edward: We k-yan be sc-yally lads togeler!
Bella (inhaling and exhaling slowly): Shut up, Edward.
Edward: That’s E-dogg to chu.
Alice: You’d think, after living with Jasper for so long, I would have slept with Jasper. But truth is that, I have.
Rosalie: And the point of that sentence was?
Alice: Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bunny!
Jasper (hissing as Alice talks of bunnies): Dear Jebus, please kill all bunnies and excuse all of the sinful things I do to Alice. Amen.Narrator: All turn to stare at Jasper and his weirdness.
Edward: What sinful things have chu bin doin’ to Alice?Narrator: Both Jasper and Alice smile wicked, lust filled smiles. Everyone groans and turn away from them.
Emmett: Mustard’s no good without roast beef.
Bella: Where the hell did he hear that?Jasper: It’s a Chico Marx quote, Bella
Edward: Jasper, Emmett, chus are both under contract saying that chus are not to speak in my presence unless it tiz bout me. And chus must refer to me as… God Brother! And the Narrator must refer to me as God-Cullen also.
Jasper and Narrator: Why should we?
Emmett: And so, the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Edward (ignoring Emmett): Let’s just say, I know what chu three did in Emmett’s bedroom on Tuesday…
Jasper and Narrator: OH!
Jasper: I speak only of you, God-Brother.
Emmett (chanting): You are a pervert, you are a pervert!
Bella: Dave Days?
God-Cullen (giggling at me, the Narrator): Mmhm, he tought he cud watch pornz on youtube. He got caughtz once we heardz that song playin’
Alice: Can bunnies get constipated?
Jasper: If you feed them too much cheese…
Alice: Bunnies eat cheese?Narrator:Alice starts to take notes on information about her wild fascination with rabbits.
Alice: Bunnies, Narrator, bunnies.Narrator: Whatever…
God-Cullen: Jasper. Chu are only supposed to talk bout moi, remember?
Jasper: Right, sorry God Brother.Alice:Dang flabbit, where’s that rabbit? He’s got a habit of running away. Hey honey, where’s that bunny? He took my money and that ain’t okay. Hey, hey, hey bunn-nayNarrator: If ya’lls are wondering, that little song was from Hannah Montana.Scene 4 – Ballet StudioNarrator: This is 100% porn right here. Turn back whilst you can. Gotcha :P
James: I’m effing trying, baby!
Bella: Some vampire you are! You can’t even push me into a mirror!Narrator: So, I better do what I am totally NOT getting paid for and explain the situation. So you know what happened in twilight, Bella runs off to Phoenix and randomly runs off to James cause she thinks that he has her Ma and all that. Now, Bella is standing in the middle of the Ballet Studio, hands on her hips, next to a mirror and James is attempting to push her into it but having no luck cause he is an extremely fat, weak vampy that is lazy mouse potato who sits on the computer all day read erotic Bella and Edward fan-fiction.
James: I am so over this shit. I’m going to back to my computer for the next three million years.Narrator: James walks over to the computer in a dark corner to find that Alice is watching bunny breeding videos on youtube.
Alice: They are multiplying! Just like bunnies! I want to multiply! Imagine tons of me at once!Narrator: Bella rams herself into the mirror, knocking herself unconscious at the very thought. And suddenly! God-Cullen and Jasper come flying through the window wearing tight fitting Superman and Robin costumes. Emmett comes barging through a wall right next to the door wearing only stiletto heels and a leaf over his crotch.
God-Cullen: I am Superman!
Jasper:I am Robin!
Emmett: I am Adam!
James: Since when did Adam from the story of creation wear stiletto heels?
Rosalie *appears from nowhere*: No, he just looks extremely sexy in them.
Esme: Oh my god! Bella dying of loss of blood!
Alice: I JUST FOUND A VIDEO OF CONSTIPATED BUNNIES WITH RABIES!Narrator: All of Cullens, plus James, gather around the computer watching the video, completely ignoring the dying Bella.
Bella: My heart is slowing… My breaths are feeble… I feel like I am sinking into a black hole of darkness… I cannot feel my hands… This surely must be death…
God-Cullen:Stop bein dramatic Bella, we’re trying to watch this video!
Bella: I’M FUCKING DYING EDWARD!
Bella *coughing up blood*: SAVE ME E-DOGG! SAVE ME MY GORGEOUS PIMP!
God-Cullen:That’s more like it!Narrator: And Edward runs over just in the nick of time and bites Bella. He then leaves her writing in pain on the floor and gets back to watching the constipated bunny with rabies video on youtube. And fortunetly, this is the end of this story and now I can get back to my stamp collection. But, first they are going to finish with a song.Everybody: Together, together, together everyoneTogether, together, come on lets have some funTogether, were there for each other every timeTogether together come on lets do this right!