I was a vampire now... Why couldn't my life just balance out? Bella has just endured her transformation, and she is excited about begining her eternity with Edward. However, fate seems to be against her happiness. Everything that was supposed to be fixed only seems to be intensified. Is there a way for her to get what she wants and keep everything she left behind safe, too?
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I longed for sleep. I wished for that wonderful escape from the real world, to escape into my dreams and nightmares. Anything was better than this agony. My life was a total mess. Charlie, the father who had taken care of me through all of my time in Forks, who was there for me during that dark period after Edward left, would most likely die, and I would have caused it. As a punishment, it seemed, I would have to watch the Volturi suck the life out of him, probably trying to do it slowly and emitting a lot of venom to make it more painful not only for him, but for me. It would all be my fault. I longed for an escape; an escape to make it all better.
It had been nearly a week since Edward and I got married, and we still hadn’t been on a honeymoon. It seemed like we never would. We would go back to Forks, which would of course be risky as I had supposedly just died and nearly everyone at that meeting knew me, and if they didn’t they sure would have seen pictures. My inner monster would be raging inside of me the entire time, seeing as I couldn’t even resist the scent of animal blood; let alone human. We would go to face evil vampires and protect Charlie without anyone even knowing that we were there, or we would at least try. What a great honeymoon. I had my Prince Charming, and we were finally married and together forever. True love. We had overcome far more than our fair share of hardships. We were supposed to live happily ever after, vampires or not. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White; they all had happy endings in which they got married and lived happily ever after. I guess not every story has a fairy tale ending. Especially mine.
Why couldn’t my life just balance out? I understood that I was going to hurt Charlie when I was changed, but he wasn’t supposed to die because of me. I was changed to keep safe, but somehow I was still in danger. I was married; happily married, and finally a vampire, and I was still expected to make this life-changing decision? Hadn’t I had enough of this in my life? Why couldn’t my life be somewhat normal? I already had the insanity of being in love with a vampire and being best friends with a werewolf; did I really need more? Why was my life turning into a soap opera? Why couldn’t my life just balance out; why did every decision I make have to affect not only me but everyone I loved, too?
God must really hate me. It was the only explanation. I didn’t understand what I did wrong, other than loving “the eternally damned,” of course. I took care of my mother and Charlie; even sacrificed myself to save them! I’d been best friends with a guy who couldn’t understand what I wanted, and now wanted to kill me. I still wanted to be friends with that guy; that guy was the best friend anyone could ask for. That guy was my enemy now. He was only my enemy because I chose to make everything better; to keep myself and everyone around me safe. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I lost my best friend because I made a bad decision. A bad decision that I still couldn’t regret; how odd! Yes, I had lost Jacob; and yes, Charlie was at risk, too, but I still couldn’t bring myself to regret it. I would have Edward forever, and I would pay the world for that. I smiled. My existence was an unstable mess, but I could always count on having Edward. God must really hate me to unleash such hell on me, but he must care a little as he sent an angel to comfort and protect me.
Charlie was in danger. A danger that I may not be able to relieve him of. Edward and Alice promised that we would try, but try was clearly emphasized. If he were to die because of me, I would live the rest of eternity with the guilt. I had come to terms with the fact that he would die someday, but that it would have nothing to do with anything in this mythical world to which I belonged. Even as a human I wanted that. However, it seemed more and more likely that I would be the means of his death. If we made it to Forks in time to stop the Volturi, I could easily kill him. Not just in the vampire ways, either. It would kill him if he even slightly recognized me or Alice. Edward, too, I suppose, though it would be more that seeing him alive would make him think that I was alive, too, rather than him being heartbroken at seeing him. Charlie still hated Edward thoroughly, but he learned to coexist with him. I wished that the evils my father was facing were all under our control, but that wasn’t a possibility. Charlie was in severe danger, and the Volturi weren’t the only reason.
It had only been a few hours since the newer version of that vision came, that horror in which I witnessed Charlie’s death myself. Fortunately, in an attempt to help me relax, Alice and Jasper went hunting several miles away from the lodge, taking their powers with them. I no longer had to endure that nightmare nor have my feelings intensified. Edward, though, was still here, holding me tightly in his arms while I kept my head buried in his strong chest like I did all those hours ago. He was my angel, saving me from my agony. His soothing touch and melodic voice had calmed me enough to stop my sobbing, but the pain was still spiraling out of control.
It is so frustrating, knowing that someone you love so much is in danger because of you, and that no matter what you do to make it better, the danger will still be there.
- Blonde Bella
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