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The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Summary:
This is the scene where Edward left Bella. Told from Edwards Prospective. Songfic, featuring James Blunt's "Good-bye My Lover". Of course, I own nothing. Characters and Lyrics belong to Stephenie Meyer and James Blunt, respectivley.
The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done


Notes:
I own nothing! I just love this song...and Edward..is that so wrong?


1. Chapter 1

Rating 0/5   Word Count 1223   Review this Chapter

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won

I may have fought the love that I felt for her when I first discovered it, but I knew know that I needed her to survive. I could never have known if she felt the same depth of feeling for me, and who would blame her for not sharing this, but I knew I would have her. Even if it was the wrong thing. At first, at least.


So I took what's mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
It may be over but it won't stop there
I am here for you if you'd only care

It still astounds me that she could feel any affection towards me at all. Who am I but a monster? And she an angel. There is no way that I deserve her- her kindness, her understanding, her acceptance. I only wish she would tell me exactly what was on her mind. Those expressive eyes! So infuriating, the fact that she hides her thoughts behind them.


You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you

Everything about her is magnificent. A small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, a knowing glint in her eyes. And so intuitive; it’s no surprise that she was able to figure out our secret. And yet, here she is, looking at me with those endless eyes, like I’m somehow worthy of her love.


I've kissed your lips and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Every moment I’ve spent with her has been amazing. Astounding. More than I could have ever even dreamt of asking, no, begging for. Even with the torture that is her sweet, delicious blood, I would never trade a second of our time together. And yet, here I was, about to end this happiness forever.

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

How could I have fooled myself into thinking I could be with her and not compromise her safety? Everything about me, about my family, is more than a danger to her. She’d be much safer without me and the rest of us in her life.

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I hate myself for doing this to her. There’s so much pain in her eyes. But she just doesn’t realize that this is what’s best for her. She’s the one I need, not the other way around. One day she’ll realize that.

I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be

Fate is a tough thing to deal with. I know I was made to love her. But there can’t be anyway for that without hurting her. I just never realized how much this would hurt me. I never thought seeing her this vulnerable at my hand would be this…powerful.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you

I’d give anything to comfort her right now. She’s the trying to be so strong. But she can’t hide this pain from me. It’s shocking to see my pain echoed in her eyes. If I live forever, I’ll never be able to make up for her pain. Mine I can deal with. Mine I will deal with.

I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you, I swear that's true
I cannot live without you

This is what’s best for her. She’ll recover from this. She’ll move on to someone else, have a family. A life. A better one than I would ever be able to give her. She’ll be happier this way. She just has to realize it.

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

This pain is intolerable. How can I have done this to her? It kills me that I have to leave her like this. Without even comforting her. It’s not fair to her that I can’t even explain myself to her fully. She shouldn’t ever be in this kind of pain. It should have never been my fault.

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I am a monster. For lying to her. For making her cry. For even letting her fall for me. She deserves so much better than me. One day she’ll look back on this time and see me as the demon that I now know for sue that I am. I wouldn’t blame her one bit.

And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine when I'm asleep
And I will bare my soul in time
When I'm kneeling at your feet

Bella, my love, my life, I will never get over you. You are my heart, the love of my existence. It kills me that I have to leave her like this. Why have a tortured her so? I can only hope the pain I suffer is much worse than anything that she goes through because of this. I know my suffering will not end until my life does…

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Running from her is the single most difficult thing I believe I have ever done. Or will ever do. Her shattered face will haunt me for the rest of her life. The only promise I can keep anymore is that when she ceases to life, I will follow. I can’t handle a world without knowing she’s alive.

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Her life. Her heartbeat. That is what matters. Not my pain. My pain is my punishment, and I gladly welcome it. I deserve to die for hurting her like this. I can only hope that she moves on quickly. Maybe that Mike Newton would be better of for her. He could be normal with her, for her. I wish them luck.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so I
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

There’s nothing left for me here. There’s nothing left for me anywhere. Nothing but pain and suffering. It’s all that I deserve. For hurting her. For involving her when I knew that it wasn’t what was best for her. My only solace is that I wont outlive her. God help me.