Dead and Gone

Ever since the accident, nothing had ever been the same. Emmett didn’t joke as much, Alice didn’t have visions, it wasn’t because she tried not to, it was just because she was too depressed to even have one spontaneously. Jasper didn’t stay in the house much, the pain and sadness were too much for him to handle, it was mainly my emotions though. Carlisle was at the hospital more and he rarely came home except to see Esme, who flittered around the house finding any thing that could be repair; the creaky step, the lock on the bathroom door (even though we didn’t use it), the picture frame that just wouldn’t hang right, and even the kitchen floor tile that was at the smallest of a different angle because Emmett had been wrestling Jasper and his elbow had landed on it funnily and it cracked so he and Jasper tried to fix it, but they couldn’t get it straight enough because they were hurrying so Esme wouldn’t see it. And Rosalie didn’t stare in the mirror at herself as much anymore, maybe it was because she felt guilty for what happened, or maybe she just wasn’t as vain anymore.

They all tried to get on with their lives however, tried to make things go back to normal, or at least as normal as things could be without him around. And I, I just sat in my room. I only left when I needed to go hunting or when Alice finally dragged me out to go to school for the first time since I was changed.

Just thinking of my change brought back unwelcome memories. Of when Rosalie listened to Him when he told her to go help Emmett fight, even when Emmett was doing so well on his own fighting only one newborn; and that he could face Victoria alone. That might be why she feels guilty, that if she hadn’t listened to him and had stayed to help him fight, the newborn wouldn’t have gotten on his back- and then Rosalie wouldn’t have been distracted when Victoria held me and forced me to watch as the newborn burned him, and then threw me to the side and took off into the forest laughing.

I had cried so hard that night. Alice had taken me home directly after all the newborns were taken care off, she and the rest of the family had been fighting one or two newborns each at the time. I could tell that she was upset, but she was holding it back so that she could comfort me as I sobbed on the leather seats of her new Porsche, a gift from Him.

Charlie had asked me what was wrong when Alice carried me to the front door. She had answered for me, three little words that echoed around my head for days and still do. “Edward is dead.”

He had been kind the first few days. He let me stay in bed and do nothing. He brought me food and water. Charlie never stayed in the room with me though; he couldn’t stand my nonstop crying. He was never good with emotions.

None of my friends came to see me except the Cullens; they were all away at college. The first semester would be starting soon; college was suddenly Plan A for me now. I didn’t want to spend eternity without him. On several occasions I tried to jump out my window, hoping the fall would kill me, but each time Alice was there stopping me.

It was the day of the funeral when it happened. It was a private funeral, and we were burying him in our meadow, his favorite place in the world, where he could be himself and not worry about having to hide who he really was.

I was staring down at the three impossible dates carved onto the headstone- the day he was born, the day he was transformed, and the terrible day that had only occurred a few days earlier- when Alice gasped, she was having the last vision that she would have in awhile.

When she came out of it, she immediately looked at me concerned.

“What is it?” Carlisle asked her calmly.

“The Volturi, they’re coming in five days. They want to give us the benefit of the doubt about changing Bella. We’ll have to do it now.” She looked apologetically at me.

“Alright then, Bella you’ll have to tell Charlie that you’re moving in with us and that we’re all moving to Alaska so you kids can go to college. We’ll have to fake a car accident or something so he thinks you’re dead… what’s wrong?” He noticed the upset looked on my face.

“I just… I would rather die.” I said quietly. The Cullens gasped.

“Bella, how could you say something like that?” Esme asked.

“There’s just nothing left for me.” I didn’t want to go on without him.

“You have us. I don’t want to loose another member of my family Bella.” I was surprised that Rosalie had just said that. She had never liked me, but now she wanted me to become a permanent fixture of their family.

I just nodded my head that I would go along with the transformation.

“Why don’t you all go ahead,” Alice glanced quickly at me and the piece of paper clutched in my hands, “Bella and I will catch up with you in a few moments.” The nodded and said their goodbyes to the gray headstone before taking off into the forest.

“Bella, I’ll be waiting in the forest.” I nodded glumly and she to disappeared into the trees. The moment she was gone I broke down crying.

I fell to the ground on my knees and pressed my face to the soft earth over the place where his ashes were buried. I don’t know how long I stayed like that crying, but I finally pulled myself up off the ground and set the note for him in front of the tombstone.

Dear Edward,

You have no idea how much I love you, how much I’m going to suffer now that you’re gone. I refuse to use the word death. I don’t want to come to terms with that yet.

I love you so much, and you risked your life for me. I’m the reason that you’re dead now. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that, but living with the memory of watching that happen to you that will be my punishment.

I don’t want to be changed now, although I’m sure your family won’t let me die. They’ll want me to stay with them. I don’t know why, when I’m the reason you’re gone.

I know you don’t believe that you have a soul, but I do. I know right now, you’re probably somewhere in heaven, for that’s the only place for someone as good as you, looking down at me, watching over me, protecting me from the danger I can’t seem to avoid.

One day I’ll find away to join you, though as I mentioned before I’m sure your family will never allow it. I’ve already tried jumping out my window several times. Alice was there every time to stop me though.

I’ll never get over you, how much I love you. I don’t think there’s even the smallest chance that I might move on. But I must say goodbye, for now. I’ll never think this is final, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to return to Forks, not with all the memories that are here for me.

I love you, so much,

Bella

I slowly walked into the forest where Alice waited. She smiled sadly before sweeping me off my feet and running me to the car.

From there we went to Charlie’s. As we pulled in I noticed another car in the driveway. Jacob’s rabbit.

I nodded at Alice and she got out of the car and went into my room through the window to start packing for me, while I trudged through the front door.

“Bella? Is that you?” Charlie peeked his head around the corner of the living room. “Jacob’s here, he came to see you.” He watched my face for even the teeniest change, but there was none; it was partly the pack’s fault to.

“Hey Bella!” Jake exclaimed. He came forward to hug me but stopped when he saw my face. “Is everything alright?”

I looked at Charlie. “I didn’t tell him, I’ll um leave you alone to talk.” Charlie went into the kitchen, and I turned towards the front door, motioning for Jacob to fallow, I didn’t want Charlie to overhear our conversation.

“What’s wrong Bella?” Jake asked once we were outside.

“Think about it.” I stated clearly.

“Did he leave you again? Then why is his sister’s car here?” His arms began to shake.

“He did leave me Jake, but not the sense you think.” I wiped a stray tear away from my eye as realization dawned on his face.

“Oh my gosh Bella, I’m so sorry I didn’t know.” He stepped towards me to give me a hug but I backed away.

“No, you didn’t because you weren’t there. This may be mainly my fault, but it’s also your and your pack’s fault.” I snapped a little.

“What do you mean?” Jacob asked confused.

“You know exactly what I mean. If you had agreed to help then the Cullens wouldn’t have had to fight several newborns each at the same time. And he wouldn’t have been distracted fighting Victoria to notice that one newborn had disappeared. And then that newborn wouldn’t have gotten on his back and-and ripped his head… and Victoria wouldn’t have been able to hold me and MAKE me watch as they burned him…” I broke off sobbing.

“Oh my gosh Bella, I-I’m really sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?”

“Nothing… but you can start by not attacking the Cullens.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because, the Volturi are on their way here, and if I’m not changed into a vampire then they’ll kill me, and the Cullens won’t listen to me when I say I’d rather die.” Even though my vision was blurry I could tell that Jake was shaking.

“Yea, fine, you have my permission.”

“Thanks Jake, I love you.”

“I love you to Bella.” And with that he got in his car and drove away.

I walked inside slowly. Alice was waiting for me in the front hall with all my things. She told me she would be waiting in the car and then breezed by me to the car.

“Dad, I have something to tell you.” I walked into the kitchen.

“Yea sure, what is it?” he looked up from the newspaper he was reading.

“Well, I’m moving in with the Cullens until college.” It would be better to just get it all out there at once.

“What?” he asked surprised.

“Yea, um, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie are all going to the University of Alaska to, and Carlisle and Esme are moving up there to, they don’t want to be away from their family after… anyway they asked if I would. They’re concerned for me Dad. They know how much I loved him and they don’t want me to be alone.”

“Alright, I guess that’s okay then.” Charlie stood up and kissed the top of my head while pulling me into a tight hug. “I’ll miss you Bella.”

“I’ll miss you to. Um, I think Alice already got all of my stuff so I guess I’ll be going. I love you.” I kissed him on the cheek before turning and going out the door.

As I shut the door I heard him mumble “I love you to.”