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The Confessions of a Schizophrenic Cannibal to the Cruel World

Jacob has inspired Edward to confess every lie he has told to his family. Sequel to The Confessions of an Adolescence Werewolf to a Teenage Hybrid... ThingDisclaimer: The sad truth, though we hate to admit it but must so we don't risk being sued, is that we're just two obssessive fangirls who, although we wish we did, do NOT own anything from the Twilight saga. But if you'd like to believe we do, who are we to stop you? If you have already read chapter two, you might want to go back and read it again because some stuff has been added to it.

Because it was requested by some of the reviewers of The Confessions of an Adolescence Werewolf to a Teenage Hybrid... Thing, and because we just felt like it, we have written this sequel. Hope you enjoy. Now twilightfan_94 will attempt to kill afterxdreaming.

2. To the Parentals

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 945   Review this Chapter

Three hours later, Edward sat down at his desk with his cream-colored, flower-printed stationary and engraved pen that he stole from the White House when the entire Cullen family took a trip to Washington D.C. fifty years ago. It was really too simple to snatch it, along with a few other nifty-looking bobbles that were placed around the house. Security there really isn’t as tight as people imagine it to be.

Every one always teased Edward about the feminine stationary he wrote his letters on, and each time they did he would tell them that Bella bought it, but the truth is he had wanted it with a passion the first time he had laid eyes on it. I guess that was another thing he would have to confess in these letters.

It took three hours before being able to write the letters because a lot of his time was taken up with Jacob… and Renesmee. Edward had hunted Jacob Black down not too far from his home. When Jacob had figured out what Edward was planning on doing with that spoon, he had screamed at the top of his lungs and had started running in circles around the house. Who ever thought Jacob would’ve ended up protecting his balls by running away from a fight? Anyways, after about ten minutes of this, Edward’s devil spawn had come out to see what all the screaming was about. She was very surprised to find that the high pitched noise was coming from Jacob and not Edward. She saw the spoon in Edward’s hand and had realized what he was planning on doing, too. Then she protected her boyfriend, broke up the fight, and took two and half hours to lecture her father. It was very humiliating and disappointing. Humiliating because a one hundred and thirteen-year-old man was getting a lecture from his nine-year-old daughter, and disappointing because he hadn’t gotten to castrate Jacob Black like he had wanted to so many times.

Anyways, that was over, and he was ready to write the letters now. Edward decided to confess to his mother and father figures first.


Dear Carlisle and Esme,

Carlisle, do you know what I hate about you the most? I know I’ve held my tongue in the past, but can you please stop going through my underwear drawer? You thought I didn’t know, didn’t you? Well I did! There is nothing hidden in there. I did not steal your narcotics! Yes, I know what you do to your patients, Carlisle! But face it, there’s only so much you can pay a pretty man, and sometimes it’s not worth the price. Then again, sometimes it is, it depends on the prostitute. But that is not the point. The point is that I am a being… thing, and I deserve some privacy. Whether I wear boxers or briefs is none of your business. That is between Bella and me only- and Esme, but that’s only because she does my laundry. And Alice, because she buys them. It’s always a surprise to see if I got a new pair of boxers or a new pair of briefs.

Next, even though it seems like I’m interested in all of your testing, I really do not appreciate you studying everyone and everything about them, like with my little devil spawn. Do you really have to measure her every bloody day? I mean, really. I couldn’t even hold her when she was younger without you asking me to place her on the scale! We’re not your science experiments! We have lives to attend to that do not include hypotheses and data charts and such. Well… most of us do. I really can’t figure out why Leah’s here. Do you like studying her, too?

And you figured out how many chromosomes werewolves have? You made Jacob spit into seventeen different cultures! While you were treating him! While he was on narcotics none the less!

Oh, and Esme, can you stop trying to steal my beloved maggot? She’s mine! I made her! (With Bella of course. No one can forget that c-section. She was naked!) Therefore she is my hybrid…thing. I know what happened to your beloved baby was sad, but you cannot replace it with mine. Weren’t Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and I good enough for you? I’m not even going to ask about Rosalie because I already know the answer to that. ‘No’. I DON’T LIKE HER! So, back to the point. Quit trying to make Renesmee love you more than her real parents. Jacob already did that. Darn him, that bloody arse. And please stop hiding it from Bella and me. It’s getting really annoying. Plus, she is the size of a sixteen-year-old, and is getting easier and easier to find everyday. Can’t you pick more than three places? It’s really creepy when I find her tied up in my closet with you asking her about her day. Though I’m getting more and more used to it everyday.

Also Esme, I know you might love to mother me by doing it, but it’s really annoying to me, so can you stop doing my laundry? I am a grown man now with a daughter and a chimera child. Plus everything keeps shrinking. I think I’m perfectly capable at doing my own laundry. I think. After all, Bella tells me I can do and be anything I want. That last part is a load of bull, though. I’m a vampire forever and everyone knows it, but I smile and nod anyways. After all, I love her. Especially now, since she can’t PMS anymore. HALLELUJAH!

You’re Sort-of Son,



I was the one who bought the stationary, not Bella.