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My Power

Summary:
Bella is writing in her diary. She has been a vampire for a year, and has just discovered her power. . . and she is afraid. This is a one-shot.


Notes:
I must have been in a dark mood when I wrote this. Bella comes across in this story a little quiet and reserved. It has not been an easy year. Her old self is starting to emerge, and I'm sure she will be back to the old Bella in time, but she does have an obstacle in her way . . . .


1. MY POWER

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1597   Review this Chapter

BELLA CULLEN, JOURNAL ENTRY AGE 21

Something happened today. I don't know what to do, or how to handle it. I have not written since the change, but I have to get my thoughts down on paper.

I have been a vampire for a year. I would like to say that it has been wonderful. I would like to remember this past year with fondness, but it has not been easy.

I can't talk about my changing yet. It was horrible. It was terrifying. I could have been thrown into a fire and had less pain. Edward went through the changing with me. He never left my side for a second, not that I was always aware of his presence. But, I will save that retelling for a later time. It is still too fresh. The memory hovers around me and makes me thankful I can't dream. I am certain I would have nightmares about it for centuries.

The first several days of my new existence are still a blur to me. I have scant memories of being in Edward's arms. He held me almost constantly. Then, I had the sensation of waking up. I felt like I had been reborn, but not in a good way. The first time I stood up to walk, everything felt much too still. My mind kept waiting for the familiar sensation of the steady drumbeat, then I realized what my mind was waiting for, why there was such a stillness. My heartbeat. . . it was gone.

My skin was cold and hard, just like Edward's. When he touched me, he didn't feel cold anymore. His lips were a welcome warmth to my own frigid mouth.

As I truly awoke to my surroundings, I realized all of my senses were heightened. I was barraged by noises my ears could never hear before; a bird landing on a branch outside, a butterfly weaving through the grass, a small bug crawling along the road. Edward taught me to tune these out. Soon, they did become less noticeable, just like the noises I became used to as a human.

My newfound strength also took some adapting. The first time I opened a door, the doorknob came off in my hand. As I sat there staring dumbly at the object in my hand, Edward laughed and told me that it used to happen to him often. He explained to me how it takes a conscious effort to limit our strength in the human world. Using a pencil, washing a window, or even shaking someone's hand. He suggested it is best to try to avoid human contact whenever possible. I haven't had to worry about the last thing for quite a while. Edward has not allowed me to be around any humans this entire year. We have come to Alaska. We spent time in Denali, but ultimately Edward took me to an even more secluded place.

The speed and the grace which I now possess are one thing that is welcome to me. I am as agile as any ballerina. I love my gracefulness. I love running with Edward beside me. It is exhilarating and exciting, and I can no longer remember what it used to be like when I didn't have this speed, and when I wasn't able to jump higher than the trees and land on the other side as soft as a whisper. I have learned to handle all these aspects of changing rather well. There is one aspect, however, that I have not been able to manage, my thirst for human blood.

Without any warning, my throat begins to burn. My muscles tense and my back spasms and arches while my stomach twists and yearns for it. The monster speaks to me. I want, need, the only thing that can take away my hunger. Blood, human blood, give it to me. . . I need it. Please, please give it to me. . . Just a drop, just a swallow.Just enough to take away the thirst, the craving. My mouth becomes saturated and swirling with venom.

If Edward isn't already by me, he comes running. Every time he smells the venom he runs to me and holds me. He whispers in my ear all the things I need to hear. In all his years of discipline he has learned so much, and he saves me over and over again.

Somehow, before the change, I had been arrogant. I truly thought there was no way that I could ever crave human blood. I had been wrong. So wrong. I knew now what Edward meant about being a monster.

My appreciation and love for Carlisle has grown over this last year. He and Esme have spent much of their time here. I do not know how he withstood the overwhelming desire to feed when he was changed all those hundreds of years ago in England. I would never have withstood it.

The whole Cullen family have come and stayed from to time. They have been so encouraging and loving. I am improving, and I can see a measurable difference as time goes on. I am beginning to laugh again. I can relax and enjoy this new life that I have been given. That I chose.

The strain that I have seen almost constantly on Edward's face for this last year is also lessening.

I am here to talk about what happened today. Edward and I were running. The air was clean, pure. We were deep in the Alaskan wilderness and we were beginning what was to be an extended week long hunting trip. Edward felt I was ready to be out for this long.

I was running ahead of Edward, when he caught up to me and pulled me to him. This was the part that had made all the year's suffering more than worth it.

Seeing Edward when he doesn't have to hold back is my miracle and reward. He has been so unselfish. Giving me all that I ever want and need. His kisses are completely different than before. Everything is so different, except for the feelings between us. We are one.

We soon came across a herd of gazelle. These are my favorite choice of animal. Ironically, the former clumsy me, now loves the most graceful of all running animals.

I had just begun running toward the gazelles when all of the sudden an intriguing scent took over any thought going through my mind.

The scent, it was amazing, invigorating. . . intoxicating. I had to find it's source.

The scent beckoned to me, and I ran.

There was nothing more important to me than finding the object of my obsession.

Far behind me, I suddenly heard Edward scream my name. I didn't stop. Running after the scent was . . . euphoria.

The scent moved slightly and I altered my course to match it.

I do not know how long I ran. Time mattered not at all to me.

I thought I was already running at top speed, but as the scent became stronger, I accelerated. The landscape was a blur. I was vaguely aware that day had turned to night. Find it. . .must have it. . . drink it.

The scent was so close now. So close. It would soon be mine. I heard someone coming behind me. Someone was screaming my name and begging for me to stop. Something in me had taken over, the monster, it wouldn't let me. I couldn't even slow down.

I was incoherent, resisting all control. My mouth was baked with venom. Fire raced through my dry veins. I was possessed. I was the predator, and this scent was my prey.

I must find it, I must drain it. I could imagine the blood coursing down my throat.

The monster was bidding me ever closer, ever closer. . . and then, I felt a push from behind and someone fought me to the ground. I was on my back and someone, a boy, was holding me down.

I raged against him. Arching my back and growling. I was straining at his hard marble arms that were holding me down with all his strength.

He was choking in air, and I was not even breathing hard. His eyes held fear. When he first pinned me, he was screaming my name, but he gradually started talking in a softer and more soothing voice.

The monster retreated just enough that I was able to recognize Edward. It was Edward who had stopped me. I struggled to calm myself and listen to his musical, velvet voice. I was attempting to reason with myself, blinking away the obsession that had brought me here.

Edward started to speak. He told me that he had chased me over 200 miles. I didn't believe him. None of us were faster than Edward. The rest of what he said has caused me to fear myself.

"Bella, just over this hill lives a family that comes for the summer to stay in a small cabin. We were 260 miles from them, I thought we were more than far enough away. Bella, I didn't even catch their scent until the last ten miles or so." Edward put his head down and choked back dry sobs. "I. . . I didn't think I was going to get to you in time I didn't think I could catch you."

Edward then looked straight into my eyes and said, "Bella, you are a tracker."

I am a tracker. . . just like James.