Post Breaking Dawn - What happens when Bella lets her sheild down and tries to remember her human life with Edward, including why she can't let go of the time when he left her.
If you haven't read New Moon don't read this, contains spoilers!
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I stole away, moving slyly up two sets of stairs that separated the bottom floor of the large white house from the room that I wanted to be in. I had two, possibly three minutes, until he would recognize my absence and come looking for me. I had to make this quick. In only a fraction of a second I was there, in the entry way to his room, the familiar wall of cd’s and the large open glass wall comforting me immediately. In another instantaneous movement I was laying across the black leather couch, my head perched on one arm rest, my feet held up by the other. At ease, I closed my eyes and began to remember.
I knew I had to think of my human life often if I had any hopes of keeping my memories of it, which I was so desperate to do. I wasn’t willing to lose even one second with Edward, even now when our time together knew no bounds. Even through my murky thoughts I cherished every shared smile, every single touch, every fragment of time we had ever spent together. And so I often stole away for a moment or two every now and again to work on preserving those memories and to make them clear. It was here, in Edwards room, where things were familiar, where I was surrounded by his essence, that they flowed through my mind with the most ease.
My eyelids fluttered and I lay perfectly still, statuesque, as the memories took over. I recalled the first day of school here in Forks, lunch in particular, when I first laid eyes upon him. I not sure how I knew, but even then the pull was magnetic, as if I was looking at my future.
I recalled our impromptu dinner date in Port Angeles after my run in and rescue from a group of men intent on harming me. It was there that I first laid my fingers across the back of his hand. My eyes still closed as I left the thoughts have me, I felt the corners of my mouth pull up when I recalled his hesitance when I reached out to touch him.
Next was the angels voice. The voice that found me in the darkness of my fleeing conscientiousness during my run in with a hunting vampire. The only voice that could pull me from the wretched depths of blackness. At the time I was sure it was the voice of an angel. Still now, I am convinced that Edward is in fact an angel, my angel.
Then came the hardest memory. The one I wanted to forget the most but refused to allow myself to. I willed the murky visions to come, to clear them and reconcile them in my mind. I had to remember this pain, as much as I didn’t want to. It helped to remind me of what I now had and what losing it again would do to me. That pain is in part why I never take a single second for granted, and it was not the first nor the last time I came close to losing everything that I held dear in my life. But it was the time when I was alone. And so I remembered.
My mother was there, as was my dad. Suitcase open. They were trying to make me leave, to go to Jacksonville to live with my mom and Phil. Away from the torment of Edward leaving me, away from the despair that my life had blossomed into overnight. There was talk of possible hospitalization, although at the time I bared registered their voices let alone what was going on in the room around me. I was lost, and alone. And all I could think of were his words, his lies that he didn’t want me anymore. I let the grief have me. I couldn’t leave though. Too many what ifs would be left open if I allowed that to happen. What if he came back one day? What if I was gone and he didn’t know where to find me? What if time when on and I lost the memories of the time we had shared together just as he had predicted I would? I could never allow that to happen. I couldn’t be away from the magic we shared, even if it was short lived, even if it was over. And so I awoke from my daze in a fit of hysteria. I viewed it now from an outsiders perspective, like some invisible person watching over the scene of the room at a distance. I flew to where Charlie and Renee packed my suitcases and in shrieks I flung the clothes out and across the room, vowing that I would not leave. I watched in horror as the tears flooded my face and for the first time since Edwards departure I broke down. There was nothing physically to bind me to Forks in that moment, but my heart knew otherwise, even when my brain did not.
That memory I recalled with blinding precision. If I were able to cry I’m sure I would be doing just that. Tearless sobs rumbled deep in my throat. It was too hard to focus on this memory for too long, so I stopped and reminded myself, once again, of exactly why I had hold on to this portion of my life so tightly, even though every fiber of my being wanted to break free of it. It was only out of love that Edward left me, for fear of my safety and that of my soul that he disappeared. His love knew no limits when it came to what he thought was best for me. Edward, as much as he sometimes denied it, was a selfless being, and I loved him all the more for it. My still heart swelled at the thought.
Ready to flood my mind with another memory, I paused when I heard his breath and opened my eyes. In an instantaneous movement I was sitting erect on the black leather sofa watching Edward glide gracefully over to my side, a sad look creeping across his perfect face. “Is something wrong?” I immediately asked. “Remesmee?”
“She’s still asleep, dreaming peacefully.” Edward answered. He smiled a half smile that slowly crept across his lips but did not reach his eyes.
“Then what is it?” I coaxed, perplexed. I took his marble hand in mine immediately and leaned into him, placing my head gently on his shoulder and inhaling the scent of honey and sun that radiated off of it.
“After I laid her down to nap I looked up and you were gone. Of course I came to find you…” he stalled. “I stopped when I saw you here but you didn’t move, didn’t hear me.”
I knew why this would cause him unease. My senses, our senses, are so heightened that I should have heard him coming. I should have heard him lay our daughter down and rise to his feet two floors below me. But I was lost in thought, absorbed. “I’m sorry.” I offered. “I stole a few moments to myself. To remember.”
“I know. I heard.”
It was at that moment I felt it flex. My shield. No wonder the memories came more clearly now. I thought it was because I was thinking of them often, solidifying them in my mind. That was not the case at all. While I was deep in thought, in remembrance my shield recoiled, pulling away from me. I was so wrapped in concentration that I didn’t feel it, did not take notice of its retreat. “Even now, I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you broken like that. I’m more sorry for it than you’ll ever truly know.”
“I know that Edward. And I know that you only did it out of love. But do you see why I’m trying so hard to hold on to the memories of it? Do you remember the epiphany I gained as a result of it all? “
With a hint of a smile he acknowledged what I was referring to. “I remember.” Edward stated. “But it still doesn’t excuse my actions or what I did to you. I hurt you, the one thing I vowed I would never do.”
“I healed.” I countered. “Its part of our story Edward. I can’t forget it. That part of my life was…” I stalled looking for the right word. A word that would convey my feelings properly without adding to his anguish. “hard.” I finished.
“But still, I have to remember it. The pain it caused and what I went through made me realize how empty my life was without you in it. I know now why you left then, and I understand. I've always understood. But its part of who I am, Edward. The strings that make up our lives are woven together into one. You mean everything to me and when I think about that time its only to recall everything that I gained as a result of it. Everything that lead us down this path of togetherness I want to hold on to. I have to remember. I’m not willing to let even one second of my life with you slip through the cracks.”
His smile grew wider now as the emotion of my rant reached him. Without hesitation Edward took me into his arms and held me closer that I would have thought possible, his lips crashing down onto mine. “Its all because I love you.” I said in the brief moment that my lips were free as his face skimmed down my jaw to kiss the hollow of my throat.
“As I love you.” he said, as his fingers gently tangled their way into my hair.
“I know.” I sighed with happiness. “Your love is the entire reason for my existence”
“As is yours to mine.” he uttered, pulling my lips to his once more.