Bella finds out nobody buys her 'im over Edward' act, not ever charlie. whats the point of acting anymore. what's the point of living? this is Bella's suicide. or at least she tried, maybe she gets 'saved' by someone she thought was lost from her forever. can she and her true love get over their endless issues and get back together or will they fall apart.
here's to my awesome Beta!
1. an untimly end
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I had been acting crazy, every since the day my heart left. The day HE left I mean. I had barely eaten or spoken to anyone. Trapped in a numb little bubble. Although those months were painful, they haunted me, falling right back into the real world was worse. I grew to miss the emptiness; the pain in my chest where my heart used to beat, it was intolerable. It still is.
I wish I had the strength to carry on, for Charlie and Renee. But I can’t. I tried so hard for Charlie, to be a regular kid but after what I heard last night was like punch in the gut.
Charlie spoke on the phone with his friend at the station on the phone, Theodore Wilson. They have worked together for years. Last night Theodore called the house and I answered.
“Hello?” I usually avoid the telephone, I hate hearing my hallow voice bounce between whoever’s on the other line until they get over how dead I sound.
“Oh hi Bella, is Charlie home?” He had asked and I handed the receiver to my dad.
I had gotten up to my room to work on homework until I figured it was time to make dinner. I came down so quietly Charlie didn’t notice, so he continued to speak without holding back.
“…sure, sure but this isn’t like your daughter Theo, she should have been over that Cullen boy months ago but she’s still in this fragile state. I mean I love her but I’m losing patience with her…uh huh…well that what I mean, at least Jennifer showed interest in something, Bella just walks around like a robot doing whatever asked of her without any enthusiasm…” Charlie confided in his friend. I stopped just outside the kitchen to listen.
“I was so pleased when she came to live with me. I missed her. But she’s so dramitic and it’s not just hormones at work here…no! I can’t have her commited! She’s just a kid…well she’s improving, im not sure it’s nessesary.” He argued “Yes, in the first few months she seemed distant and dead. Honest to god, it was like a horror movie over here.” I listened as Charlie said more about me. It was painful to think that all the effort I’d put into normalcy was a waste. He went on to say he was afraid, that as a parent he had no idea how the hell to handle me. That he was lost.
I walked back to the stairs and stomped back to the kitchen to give him a chance to talk about something else. I tried to smile at him but I felt my lip warble. It wasn’t a shape they were accustom to. I made dinner in silence. We ate with the clatter of cutlery as musical accompaniment.
I’m discouraged, to say the least. What was the point? Clearly Charlie never benefited in my pretending to hold on, I certainly didn’t. I thought I was secret, I was careful not let people see me fall apart, what a waste. I wince at the memory of someone else once telling be what a bad actress I was.
That’s it. Charlie was my last reason for hanging on. What’s the point of keeping this heart beating? I have nothing. I want to die, I have for months but now I will act. The decision is made but now there is only to think of how.
I look to the clock, 9:46 PM. I go downstairs. One last good bye to my father. He’s lying on his worn couch, sleepily watching uniformed men fight for a ball.
“Hey Bella, you going to sleep now?” He looks away from thr TV with this cautious look in his eyes. It makes me want to cry.
“Yeah I am,” I say. “I’m going to sleep.” I smile, sort of, then creep to the kitchen to get the sharpest knife we have.
“Bella honey what are you getting” he calls from his couch. There it is again, that stupid conserned voice.
“Just some water.” I pour myself a glass to be able to show him on my way upstairs. I slip the knife up my sleave and take my cup. One last kiss on the forehead for dear old dad.
“Love you.” he murmers, distracted by player number 37 on the screen.
Back in my room I want to write a note.
Dear Charlie and Renee.
You may think what I’ve done is drastic but it was necessary. I loved you both dearly, you did nothing wrong.
I scrawl quickly on a note pad. It’s simple but I don’t have more to say. I wish I could verbalize a few last words to my beloved but he probably wouldn’t care. He left me alone to live my life human and fragile. Would he care about what I’m doing?
I picture him in the arms of a beautiful vampire worthy of his love, I imagine a distant pang of guilt. I smile bleakly, my angel cared so deeply for life. Wishing to protect it. He could have just let me die on many occasions but his shear will for human life kept me breathing, defending me from James, from Tyler’s van.
Would he regret leaving me? No, he moved on I’m sure. Maybe our entire relationship was a dare from Emmett, a bet. I can imagine Emmett, “Hey Edward, $50 says you can’t date a human” I would never think of Emmett as malicious or mean. How were they supposed to know how attached I’d become, how in love. I cherished every second he stayed with me.
That makes the most sense. They do make meaningless bets. I hardly thing a god like him, like Edward Cullen *wince* would willingly pick a plain-Jane like me out of a crowd. I suppose silly games like that are all that make high school exciting for the immortals.
I bet he rarely thinks of me, I’m probably just one out of a hounded other girls whose lives he touched. That’s fine Edward, I am thankful for every second of time you gave me. I love him and always will.
I hardly feel the first cut, the second and third even less. Even as I reach deeper into my arm, I barely notice a thing. I begin to grow dizzy, my vision grows hazy and I can’t tell if it’s from the blood loss or the smell,either way I welcome it.
The memories of us together don’t seem to hurt as much when it’s the last thing I’ll ever see. Visions of our meadow, of diner in Port Angeles, of fast drives.
I think I hear a scratch on the window. More memories like our lazy summer. I remember waking up each day to a face more lovely than any thing I’ve ever seen. Or walking hand in hand with a greek god.
“Edward.” I croak, my last word. The last thing I want to say, I'm here alone. I wonder if HE would see the irony, the blood he wanted, and wouldn’t take now, staining the wooden floor.
“Bella!” He calls. He sounds worried, in my dreams he was never upset. No, I think, please cheer up. I only have you for so long. My hallucinations never last.
A figure steps through the window deftly. Another memory of him, of Edward. This one is vivid, the bedside lamp sends a soft glow around the room. He comes closer; his perfect features look frazzled and terrified. I try to smile at him. I want to see his crooked grin. Though it hurts a little, I want to relive every memory.
“Bella!” He cries running to me. “Bella what have you done?!” He grabs a towel and begins to put pressure on the wounds. I’m too weak to push him off, once I’m not in danger the hallucination will go, I can’t have that. He whips out a phone and speaks into it way too fast. I barely catch it. “Alice was right, she did. What can I do? How do I save her?...” He waits as I guess Carlisle speaks. “NO! I CAN’T I CAN’T DO THAT, SHE’S HUMAN” He roars into the phone. I bask in his simple touch.
This is a good way to go, slowly letting every last drop of life flow from me with my true love beside me. After a few minutes he hangs up and looks down at me. “Edward, don’t worry.” I muster the words. “Just stay”.
“No Bella, no.” His body breaks into dry sobs as he hurriedly tries to make a bandage to hold my blood in. “I can’t lose you. You have make it, please Bella, make it!” He whimpers fiercly.
“Just let me go Edward. I love you, I always will.” I whisper. He holds my hand and kisses it over and over.
“I love you Bella. More than anything else in history. More than there are grains of sand, blades of grass, molecules of air. I love you Bella.” His musical voice sounds far away, like he’s speaking though a tunnel. He kisses my forehead and we just look into each other’s eyes until, I can’t see well. “I love you” He echoes.
And as everything goes black I say, “Edward, I would die for you.” I let the darkness cover me and I let myself drift.