Bella finds out nobody buys her 'im over Edward' act, not ever charlie. whats the point of acting anymore. what's the point of living? this is Bella's suicide. or at least she tried, maybe she gets 'saved' by someone she thought was lost from her forever. can she and her true love get over their endless issues and get back together or will they fall apart.
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7. healing process
Rating 5/5 Word Count 2363 Review this Chapter
“yeah, now that you’re saying, it sounds pretty dumb…I’m sorry, that is the number one thing I would redo in my life given the chance. I love you. I wish you didn’t have to die for me to tell you. I would give anything for you to want me back. When I left my life was void of all meaning, a lonely black hole, an abyss that’s how I lived, a painfully long existence without any meaning. You were strong though Bella, you kept going for Charlie, you went to school and work. You acted. I gathered dust alone with my pain. When Alice called about her vision of you, I almost died. I ran straight to you. I love you Bella. I feel home with you here in my arms. I love you.”
“I love you too” I snuggle deeper into his arms. We lie together on the grass. “I still don’t trust you exactly but maybe soon.” I admit. The back of my mind concentrates on navigating my bags through the trees to arrive at the house before us.
“I can only hope, I don’t deserve an angel like you. Only an celestial being like you could make vampirism pure and beautiful.” He holds me tighter, still not using much of his strength at all. I loathe when he gets like that, insulting himself.
I sigh, “That is my least favorite quality of yours you know, this self-deprecating one. I find it quite exasperating.” I sit up despite his arms on me, trying to hold me to him. He’s still not used to me being strong enough for his lightest touch to keep me. We sit in silence for about 15 minutes. My keen senses pick everything about him out of the air. Breathing through these improved nostrils is like only inhaling the most sweet and concentrated perfumes. I can pick anything out of the forest. I could count the leaves on every tree within a two-mile radius.
“How did you do it?” I ask playing with a strand of my now silky smooth hair a while later.
“Do what love?” his brow creases, if hand floats to my knee where it strokes me softly.
“Change me, I would have thought I didn’t have enough blood for that.”
“Ah, Carlisle had some ideas about using special tape to lock the blood in, then we injected venom into all major veins we could think of. You almost died so many times during the transformation. Twelve in total.” He looks down at me as if I did it on purpose. “Don’t you ever scare me like that? I’ve had quite enough of your near death experiences when you were human,” he kissed my forehead.
“I’ll make a note of it” I smile against his chest. Now I know whet Edward was saying when he talked about how amazing the warmth of the sun felt, how my skin felt, now I understand. The rays beat down on us and together we cast rainbows.
“Tell me about this year.” he says patting my head. He knows it wasn’t a good one. “Please” he presses his lips to my forehead.
“Edward…” I don’t want to talk about it yet. That part of my life was too painful. “It’ll only hurt now, the both of us.”
“Bella my darling,” he grasps my shoulders gently “my own stupidity has cost me roughly one-hundred and five nights of you sleeping, each second I will never get back, I wasted time not seeing you human and now you will never sleep again. I want to catch up, I have to know what I’ve done.”
“The first week was the worst…” my head travels back in time, to the darkest period of my personal history. When I couldn’t died inside. When his absence tore my soul apart, when I was numb. “ For Charlie I mean,” I clarified. “He was scared, though he’d have to send me to a hospital, like Alice. He didn’t want to have to be the one to send me there. I don’t blame him.”
Trying to see things from Charlie’s perspective is so unbelievable hard. He finally get to be with his daughter who he misses and then from almost the second she gets there, his life his filled completely with unnecessary drama. From almost being squashed by cars, pretending to run away, ending up in a phoenix hospital, to being completely obsessed with her shady boyfriend and killing herself a couple months after he leaves her. I had left Charlie to pick up more pieces than was really fair. I wished I could go back to the house and tell him what I am. I will miss him forever. “Then I woke up from my catatonic state and threw a fit and the prospect of leaving Forks.” I mumble despite my now perfect enunciation.
“You were going to move?” he stares into my eyes upset.
“Almost, but I wouldn’t. I went to work and I slept. I had actually had a fight with Charlie the week before my death about how dead I was becoming. He wanted me to go out with friends.” I sigh remembering some of out very last interactions.
“So why didn’t you?” curiosity burns in his eyes, reminding me so much of our first conversation in Biology.
“I couldn’t Edward I just couldn’t” I don’t feel like explaining. Instead I get up to look at the sun. I feel his arms coil around my stomach.
“I’m sorry for pushing you Bella. I’m sorry for leaving, you dot have to talk about it anymore.” He whispers so softly into my oversensitive hears, a little weaker than normal, worn velvet.
“No Edward, It’s fine. It’s just hard to think about. You and Alice…” I shake my head. “You and Alice caught me at a weak moment. I’m not proud of it but I don’t regret it. If you hadn’t come in time, I hope to god I would have died.” His arms tensed around me, protectively.
“Don’t even say that Bella.” He spins my around to face him. “I would have been back. I love you; don’t say you want to die. Please.” His eyes turn heartbreakingly sad. The gentle breeze tosses his bronze hair in and out of his face.
“What had you been up to Edward?” I ask him smoothing the hair away from his face; I hold his head in my hands. He holds mine there. We just look at each other until he can speak.
“I tried to find Victoria for you, I figured if I was giving you a clean start, I couldn’t leave you with an angry vampire after you.” he hangs his head “but I failed, I lost her and just gave up.”
“Edward?” he won’t look up. “Edward please doesn’t hide from me. I love you, I forgive you, don’t worry. I’m still pretty mad that you could just up and leave like that but we’re together now. Let’s just be happy with that okay?” I caress his neck and pat his hair.
“Okay.” he grins at the idea of together. “Have you hunted recently?
Hunting with Edward reminds me of all those fantasies of us I had. Fantasies I banished from my mind, or at least tried to. Of him changing me because he wanted me, us living with the Cullens, just another perfect couple.
I grin at that thought. Perfect couple. We walk hand in hand back to the big white house I loved so well. They are watching a movie; I can hear the slight buzz from outside.
He picks my bag up off of the porch where I sent them and opens the door for me. Smiling like a fool, I glide in.
“Whoa, Bella, you look happy.” Emmett states bluntly in disbelief. Someone pauses the movie as they all get up to take a closer look at us. Edward dashes to his room to stash my things then darts back to my side. His hand finds my hip I lean into him.
“Yeah you even got Edward to grow up.” Rosalie appraises. I let my hair cover my face when I duck my head down in embarrassment. A turn out vampirisms hasn’t affected my discomfort in the spotlight. I hand tries to cover and imaginary blush.
“Bella did you just giggle?” Alice stares at me wide eyed and in high spirits. “See I told you today would be a good one!” she nudges Jasper.
“Bella has considered forgiving me.” Edward beamed, pulling me to his side and holding me there. Everyone bursts out with squeals of delight, bear hugs and in Alice’s case mad wedding planning.
“Whoa Alice, calm down!” lemme finish high school before you start in about marriage. I’m only eighteen for goodness’ sake!” everyone laughs.
“But Bella, you’ll be eighteen forever!” Alice whines, giving me a soul melting looks of sadness.
“Yeah, way to completely prove my point.” Everyone laughs as Alice pouts on the couch. Jasper walks over and kneels between her legs, be begins murmuring sweet things to her very quietly. What shocks me in I hear every syllable. Even from over here. Everybody else continues on and pretends they don’t hear Alice and Jasper, Cullen style Privacy. Speaking of privacy…my mind wanders to images of Edward and I lying in my bed, more almost forgotten memories. I look to him, Esme is hugging him tightly and telling him how glad she is that he’s not the odd one out anymore. He glances at me, catches me staring. A slow but breathtaking smile spreads across his face.
He pats Esme on the back and releases her, he then takes my hand and tows me up the stairs, Emmett making immature comments all the while. “Pardon me love, one moment please” he removes his show only to fling it at Emmett’s head with precision. Laugher erupts down there all over again but I can’t pay attention to them.
Once we get to the final step, Edward sweeps me up bridal style with a whoosh. I gasp, and then laugh as I open the door just in time for him to almost run into it. He laughs spinning us around in circles.
“We make an excellent team love,” he says letting the spinning slow, eventually to fall on the leather couch with me on his lap. His nose brushes mine so softly, so careful.
“Yeah, the best” I smile as his hands drift up to my jaw and he kisses me.
Like when I was human, his lips still catch me breath but unlike when I was human, I don’t actually need to breathe. He pulls away just like normal, like how he always used to. He kisses my neck, his mark there. He rubs my back gently. I bring his lips back to mine. There is a sweetness of the moment that I can’t possibly define.
His lips move softly, gently, soft, light with mine. Although enjoy our kiss, I want something more …intense. I mean I am indestructible now aren’t I? Isn’t just the reason Edward always held back? I should be able to kiss by boyfriend to the fullest of my ability shouldn’t? Yes I decide I should.
Yet again, his lips flutter around my jaw. A lovely sensation but it’s just not satisfying. I grab his face between my cold hands.” kiss me Edward” I command him. I am taking charge here. I feel his mouth dance around mine. So lightly, I hardly feel it. “Really Edward” I sigh. Does he just not want to?
“Bella, is something wrong?” my eyes meet a quizzical look when he lifts my face to meet his. I recognize his expression, the one that takes over his face when he’s trying to read my mind. Slightly frustrated, his brows come together; his eyes squint just a bit.
“You tell me,” I mutter, not used to how loud my new quiet voice. I sit up on the couch, shaking off his arm.
“What’s gotten into you?” he asks spinning me around.
“Do you just not want me?” I blurt out suddenly. “ I mean I know we said we’d be over the whole inferiority complex part of our relationship but, your far away it seems.” I pull him to me, closing the space to illustrate my point.
“I’m sorry Bella, I’m just so used to you being breakable, I cant seem to get it in my head that you wont break I guess.” He shakes his head; he’s disappointed in himself. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be”, I bring his mouth to mine “let me help you.” I push his back down on the couch and crawl on top of him. This is forbidden territory. I know he’s not saying a word but I can tell he feels it too. This is a next level. I plant a kiss on his lips. His arms hold me loosely. I break the kiss “damnit Edward I’m not so fragile.”
He looks at me for a long moment. I can feel his eyes burning into mine. Liquid magma, churning as quickly as I imagine his thoughts to be. Second, minutes pass.
Suddenly he grabs me and really touches me. His hands trail down my back and slide down my hips, where they sit on my thighs. His kisses grow rougher. His arms tighten. Mine coil around his neck and hold him tight.
This moment is perfect, not just the electricity passing between us as usual, but being here, in his arms, I place I never thoguhh I’d fel again. Knowing his family is mine again. Knowing everything will be fine, that itll all work out because we have eachother.
I know there will be more moments like this.