Text Size Large SizeMedium SizeSmall Size    Color Scheme Black SchemeWhite SchemeGrey SchemePaper Scheme        

Suspicions

Summary:
Bella's world takes a sudden frightening turn as suspicions become reality. Takes place just after New Moon as Bella struggles to decide between two conflicting worlds. Complete for now, sequel to come soon as well as Edward's POV of the story called 'The Fall'


Notes:
This is my first story so I'm really looking for some constructive criticism here! Thanks for reading my story.


7. Porcelain Doll

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1897   Review this Chapter

A low growl rumbled through Edward’s chest and his eyes narrowed at my words. He didn’t need to read my mind to know what I meant. Anger flashed in his eyes, the molten gold seemed to spark with electricity, a light all their own. His jaw set as he clenched his teeth, baring them just slightly. In the back of my mind I wondered if he had crushed the arm of the chair as I saw his knuckles whiten further from the pressure of his grip. But I was on a mission and would not be intimidated. I stood up from my chair to show I wasn’t intimidated and continued.

“All this caution, all these worries and guarded moments – end it all now. I’m tired of being a porcelain doll, treated like I could break at any moment…”

“Watch it Bella,” he almost snarled in a low, menacing voice. His tone frightened me but I was committed, I would not stop until he heard me out.

“Change me Edward. Make me a vampire, make me like you. I’m tired of the caution tape and fears. I want to be able to hold my own around here,” I finished with conviction and I could hear the strength in my voice. I steadied and prepared myself for the inevitable argument that would surely follow.

“I can’t always be the damsel in distress!” I cried, and then calmed my voice, almost to a mumble, “What if you’re the one who needs to be saved? What if you’re not there to save me? What then?”

I finished so quietly it was almost a whisper but the change in Edward as I spoke distracted me and absorbed all my attention. The anger in his eyes diminished, the sparks faded. The crease above his brow diminished until there wasn’t even a hint of a wrinkle. His jaw relaxed and his lips pressed into a straight line. The furious vampire in front of me had somehow become a contemplative statue, staring at me stoically. I stopped talking and stared back at him, confused by this new development. I realized my mouth was agape and I shut it quickly, a bit too quickly as I caused my teeth to click together. The corners of the marble statue’s mouth flickered a bit – the faintest hint of a smile.

“You want to be my prince charming?” he asked, the lightness of his question throwing me off balance.

“Well, yeah, figuratively speaking,” I stammered.

“And you want me to change you right now, this very instant?”

Still uncertain of this sudden change in moods and character, I tried to think where he might be going with this but I was too shocked by the sudden prospect of rationally speaking about my becoming a vampire. I simply nodded in agreement. I couldn’t trust my voice at a time like this.

“All right then, shall we start?” he asked, smiling my favorite crooked smile.

I felt my legs give out and I fell back into my chair. My senses overloaded as I tried to take in what was happening. He was okay with this? He was going to change me? Now? Tonight? Somehow I felt myself nod.

“So you’ve agreed to my proposal?” he hedged and I realized what was happening. The vampire was a cheater. A no good, downright, dirty cheater. He was bringing up his loophole, my biggest reservation, to stop me from calling his bluff.

“And if I have?” I asked warily, unwilling to give up easily.

“Well then a celebration is in order,” he said, grinning wider now, showing all his perfect white teeth.

I sighed and gave up my bluff. I was irritated at how easily Edward had manipulated the situation back into his favor but was relieved to see that he seemed to have gotten over his previous melancholy.

“Edward, we can’t get married. What would I say to Renee? She’d be crushed,” I said, knowing full well that it would actually destroy my flighty mother beyond repair if I married before I was thirty, “I can’t do that to her. You know that.”

“But she’s okay with the eternal damnation of your soul? I find that hard to believe,” he retorted, raising a perfect eyebrow at me, his eyes challenging me.

“You don’t understand,” I grumbled.

“No Bella,” he said sullenly, a look of sorrow in his eyes, “you are the one who doesn’t understand. You don’t know what it really means to do this, to go through with this change.”

I opened my mouth to protest but he held a finger up to my lips, silencing me with his cold touch.

“Please, Bella, let me speak,” he said softly and I nodded, closing my mouth again.

“You are so young, and so beautiful. You have so many options, so many things available to you right now. Things you don’t even know exist. I can’t live with myself if I ever take these things away from you Bella. I can’t take away these experiences from you. I won’t take your life. I haven’t worked this hard to keep you alive thus far only to make it all in vain by killing you now. I won’t damn your soul.”

“But Edward, you aren’t damning my soul! I’m choosing this. I’ve thought it through and I know what my decision means. I know it won’t be a clean break and that sacrifices will have to be made but I’m willing to do that. I’m willing to give up everything I have because I can’t exist without you. You are everything to me Edward Cullen. You’re my air. Without you I can’t breathe, I can’t function, I can’t exist. If I stay human I’ll lose you. You see this as life and death but I see this as life in death.”

Edward had his head lowered as I said this and for this I was thankful. I knew that if he’d looked at me with his butterscotch eyes he would dazzle me until my train of thought had been derailed beyond any repair.

He turned his head away from me and looked at the array of paintings on Carlisle’s wall, the pain so strong on his face that I could not help but be drawn back into his seraphic sorrow once more.

“I assure you, I feel the same about you. I’ve lived this life in the shadows, always in the dark thinking the light of the moon and stars were enough, were all I needed. Then you came into my life and it was like dawn. The sky was alight with fire, new possibilities, new colours - everything was fresh and bright again. My life broke through to the first light of day and I knew I could never go back to the dim, pale light of the moon. Not after the brilliance of the sun lit up my world, everything ablaze with life,” he said, a strange faraway look on his face.

“That’s why you need to change me Edward!” I cried passionately, getting out of my chair and running to him. I placed my hands on his shoulders and met his gaze with my own, “If you don’t change me, if I don’t become like you, I’ll die. I’ll get old and you’ll lose interest in me. It will be too late and then I’ll die.”

My voice cracked as I realized the truth behind my own words. I would get old, it would be too late to change, I would lose Edward, and then, I would die.

“But you don’t see the whole picture Bella,” he said gently, almost a whisper, his eyes gazing straight back into mine with a piercing intensity, “you won’t live, you’ll never experience anything. You’ll be trapped. Held prisoner in an eighteen year old body for all eternity. I know that doesn’t sound so bad at first, and it’s not, until time passes. It will pass quickly for you. You have no time limits, no boundaries to bind you to this earth. But to your friends, your closest friends and family, time will pass normally. They’ll get old Bella, they’ll die. You will have to leave them long before that though because they’ll notice that you never change. You never grow older, your appearance never changes. Nothing about you ever changes. You’re just frozen in time, for eternity. You won’t get to enjoy the time with your family while they’re still here, you’ll never get to truly be a part of something bigger than yourself. You can never get close to anyone for fear they will find out who you are.”

He paused then and looked away and for the first time I realized that the pain and conflict I’d witnessed in Edward had only been a small fraction of the whole - one small cluster of stars within an entire galaxy.

“Bella,” he continued in the same low, melodic voice, “you’ll never have a family of your own. You’ll never have a child, to watch as they learn, smile, laugh, cry, grow… You’ll never be able to see their achievements - to share your soul with them.”

I stood motionless, letting this all sink in as Edward shared the burden of his reality with me. I remained silent and let him continue.

“In the end, you will never feel peace. Your soul will never rest. Bella, I could never let you feel what it’s like to crave the blood of another being. The thirst can be overwhelming, it can be torture. I can’t do that to you. Do you understand yet why I can’t change you?”

I could see him struggle to control the emotion on his face but I made no effort to control my own as the tears poured down my cheeks.

Life was always so complicated and now even death was becoming complicated. I was standing on the threshold between two different worlds in constant conflict with each other, unable to decide between life and death. The line between the two was blurred to the point that I could no longer tell which was truly life and which was truly death. As I stood there, looking into Edward’s eyes, I could picture all the people I cared about in my life. This decision was not something I could just make a pros and cons list to decide. This decision was one that was impossible to make, beyond impossible.

I buried my head in Edward’s chest and cried, his cold arms wrapped around me, holding me protectively. But he couldn’t save me from the truth any longer. He’d finally made me understand the extent of my decision. I could finally understand the inner struggle that had torn him apart since he had decided to break all the rules and stop fighting his desire to be with me. I cried into his chest until my eyes ran dry. His white shirt was darkened, soaked with my tears.

I stood now on a tightrope above two worlds that could never co-exist peacefully. My balancing act was becoming increasingly difficult by the second… but which way would I fall?