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Mistakes

Summary:
This is Existence in Edward's POV; so far, I think it bombs, but hopefully you like it. I really work extra hard on EPOV because he's just so much more interesting that Bella--no offense to Bella lovers--and his POV means so much to me as the writer. So, if I screw him up terribly, please forgive me.


Notes:


1. Chapter 1: Dead

Rating 3.5/5   Word Count 994   Review this Chapter

I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. How I was managing to continue existing was beyond even my own comprehension. She was dead. Bella was dead. My Bella...was dead.

No...no. How could she be dead? How could this be happening? I left for the very purpose of keeping her alive and safe...and I failed.

I failed in the the one thing I had ever needed to do. Why couldn't I just die? I had no right to live--I lost that right...when I lost her.

I was simply waiting for the very demons and monsters of hell to come and send me where I belonged--with them. I could no longer belong in this worl--I had no place in this world without her.

It was my time...to be sent to hell...as I should have been long before she came into my life. Maybe if I had, she would still be alive.

I was sitting against the wall with my legs pulled up to my chest, my head resting against them and my arms wrapped around them, as I rocked back and forth deliriously.

The enticing depths of hell seemed so appealing to me as of this moment that it was as my very own heaven--the sweet release of what I was and the knowledge of every life that I had ruined.

The pain and agony that I knew awaited me called to me with such a luring beckon--I longed for it. I needed the endless, everlasting torment--the worst of the worst--and only one way would I get that:

Through death itself.

My family would never help me in a million years and never would I dream of asking them, but I did know of one family that would only kill me with utmost pleasure.

I had broken enough rules by falling in love with Bella anyway; the Volturi would be only too eager for the kill. As would I.

I raised my head, the strength of doing so enough to kill me had I been human, and glared at the beam in front of me, an involuntary growl erupting in my chest and building with enough force to shake the building I was in, sending it crashing to the ground.

I let out a yell of pain and rage as I forced my legs to stand me up--my very existence weakened by the pain that I felt--and I began fighting my way through the debris, throwing it all around me, screaming angry painful sobs of agony.

The rats and spiders were long gone, frightened off by my pain and anger.

"NO!" I shouted angrily as I rummaged my through the rubble, wrecking it even more.

I screamed my tearless relentless sobs of agony, falling involuntarily amongst the debris, no longer able to support my weight.

I was no longer capable of standing as I shakily crawled my pathetic worthless self out of my pitiful little hellhole of misery towards greater things:

The Volturi. Death. The end of my pain and misery. The end of me...the very end and destruction of Edward Cullen...this time...for good.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'itrate. All hope abandon...ye who enter here. Dante's brilliant and powerful words were inscribed above the room I stood before.

The Volturi were on the other side of those doors, torturing and killing their victims one by one.

Those words combined with the piercing screams sent a chill of actual fear surging through my numb body. After all I had seen and done, nothing could have prepared me for the fear I felt at this very moment.

As much as I longed for this, for my life to be over, to be nothing--as I was already without her--I couldn't help but fear.

Carlisle had told me such stories about the Volturi and exactly how they would kill their victims and, as much as I needed death right now, I feared the unknown.

Would they kill me? How long would they prolong the pain before finally granting me the sweet release of death? How would they do it? Would it hurt?

No. No. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered...compared to the pain I was in already, killing me was not the worst they could do to me. And, I knew that.

The worst of the worst would be if they didn't kill me. If they forced me to live with my agony...my mistakes...my guilt...my nothing. That was all I was and all I would be without her.

If they denied me my wish, I could always seek out Victoria and offer myself to her, but that wouldn't be enough. All she could do would be rip me apart and burn the pieces. That wasn't enough.

I wanted pain, I wanted agony, I wanted nothing. I needed the torment and hell that was only offered by the Volturi. What else was there?

There were no other options. I was doing this for her...for her. I would take upon me my very own cross and bear it proudly. She had to know I loved her--and now she never would.

I killed her. I killed Bella. Bella. "Bella..." I managed to choke out, the searing pain of saying her name out loud killing me. I doubled over in pain, unable to stand up straight. Unable to exist.

I was suddenly taken by two vampires, who grabbed me by my arms and dragged me inside. I had been incapable of walking, so they had to carry me.

My legs were as nothing--unable to support even the smallest of weight. I was as nothing. Just this...being of nothing. I was made of nothing; I lived as nothing; and I would die...as nothing.

My destiny, my fate was certain. It was set in motion. Without Isabella Swan, Edward Cullen was nothing. I could not exist. It was wrong.

Life without her, the world without her, was damned to an endless hell...and it was my fault. I single-handedly destroyed the universe by destroying the only angel I had ever known--the only angel I had ever loved.