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Retail Therapy

Summary:
Alice goes to Target. What will happen?


Notes:
Yes, I make fun of Target in this story. However, I do love and shop at Target. I just don't think Alice would.


1. Chapter 1

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 884   Review this Chapter

We had passed the pretty red store so many times and had never gone in. Esme told me that I wouldn't like it in there, but I pride myself on shopping. It looked respectable enough, besides I loved discovering new stores. How bad could it be?
I drove for twenty minutes to the nearest Target, parked and walked in.

Immediately, the smell of polyester/cotton blends assailed my nostrils. It was horrid! I walked over to the clothing section, where the smell was most potent. One look told me that I would never let any member of my family even think of wearing something so hideous! The shirts had a microscopic layer of dirt covering them, polyester fabrics were inferior to silk, and the stitching on the jeans was already coming undone. I left that section hurriedly. Maybe the shipment had been sent to the wrong place.


I saw a big red sign announcing a shoe sale. One could never go wrong with shoes, right? I almost ran over to the shoe racks and found my size. The smell oozing from the boxes was anything but delightful. I looked and looked for the Burberry section, but just couldn't find it! Who doesn't carry Burberry?


I looked into one of the brightly hued boxes and found to my utter horror a stiletto heel made out of plastic! This was a disgrace to all shoes everywhere. Italian leather is the only material for shoes…and glass, if you live in a fairy tale. My own Prada kitten heels cringed away from the revolting things. These shoes were the reason women everywhere cried when they heard the word "stiletto." Even as a vampire with perfect balance, I foresaw my ankle twisted by those death traps!

The electronics section was nearby, so I ran there to save myself from the poor-quality shoes. I browsed through the different models of ihomes, telephones, cameras, and televisions, but nothing was in the least up to date. Our current things were two years ahead of this junk, and they were old!


The CDs were a disappointment as well. Edward had them all, except for the High School Musical Album. However, no need to fear, I had purchased that right after the movie came out in an attempt to understand humans.


Bored, I wandered off to the jewelry section. Maybe they carried pieces from Swarovski. Those are my favorite, because they sparkle like I do. I looked at all the racks, but only found one pair of semi-cute earrings. They would be good for Bella.

When I looked at the price on the back of the card, I noticed the decimal point was in the wrong place! It should have read $750, not $7.50. Customer service would have to be told!


The big red and white sign directed me to the front of the store, where people were supposed to be helping with returns and other such things. After waiting in a nonexistent line for three hours, a crime of fashion child with an attitude to match waited upon me.


I told him of the pricing error and he asked me if I was for real. What does that mean? Hello, I'm standing here, of course I'm real! I bought the earrings and left the store, wondering if I could ever shop again. The strange red and white circle store had ruined one of the few things I found pleasurable in this dead life.


Too depressed to move, I sat down on the cold cement in the pouring rain. I knew Jazz would pick me up sooner or later. Strange men crowded around me. I saw their lascivious plans, but knew that I could beat them off blindfolded.

Sitting and wallowing in shopping misery, I knew that designer was the only way to go. How in the name of Kate Spade did people shop at stores like this and not need serious therapy afterward?


True to my vision, Jasper picked me up, took me home, and poured a nice lavender scented bubble bath for my aching nerves. He even scared all the strange men away from me, their plans disappearing in the twinkling of an eye.

After reveling in the steamy bubbles for a while, I felt marginally better; Doctor, but I just don't know how to get over this trauma I've gone through. Now that you know my story, what is your advice?


Dr. Alonzo Smith replied, "Well dear, I know it might be difficult, but I think you have a serious addiction. When did you last miss a day of shopping?"


I had to think hard. I had shopped every day of my existence for over fifty years. "I can't exactly remember the date, but I think I may have missed a day or two five or six years ago." No need to tell him my real age.


He looked shocked. Had the man never heard of Dolce and Gabbana Collections before? They needed to be looked at religiously! He advised, "I want you to give up a month of shopping, Alice…Alice? Alice?"


I stared in horror at my inquisitioner. No shopping for a month? How did one live without shopping for a month? I ran out, screaming bloody murder. Jasper picked me up, and took me to the local Nordstrom for some serious retail therapy.