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Eyes, Heart, and Mind

Set during Edward's time away in New Moon. Slightly AU. Bella is depressed and thinking about the life she could have had.

Hope you like it! :)

1. Chapter 1

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Of two things I was entirely certain: I was internally dying and he… Edward… did not love me. Each and every day I slowly died a little more and he would not lift a hand to stop it. It was in his power to end my slow march to the inevitable coffin, but he would not do it.

I used to lie awake at night, wondering what stopped him. Was I really so boring? Was I just a plaything? Was it really anxiety for my soul that was the impediment? Now I knew. I was only a temporary distraction; something he did not want to have around forever.

He had made this point very, very clear in the forest that memorable September day. My entire world had fallen down when he declared that he had never loved me. Everything had been just a game to him. What a twisted creep! Still, I could not help but love the twisted creep. He was - and still is - my entire universe.

Dark red blood gushed from my hand into the kitchen sink. Seconds before I had accidentally cut the palm of my hand open. The red pools made swirling patterns as they mixed with the clear water in a funneling swirl. Anger coursed through my veins as I thought of the viciously corporeal liquid. It was what made me mortal. It was what gave me this accursed empty life! Venom should flow through my veins, but that future was forever denied me by the one whom I had loved most.

If I had the power to be with my loved ones for eternity, no matter what the expenditure was, I would pay it. If I had to give up my all possessions, my morning coffee, my sins, or even my soul I would do so gladly, with a focus on forever. Edward could have given that gift to me. It was not just that I had lost the love of the century, no, the love of the millennia, when he had left, but that my hopes and dreams for the rest of eternity had been entirely incinerated, utterly damned.

My life was meaningless now. I had no hopes, no future, no desire. Before, I had had a reason to get up in the morning, a reason for breathing, a reason for progressing and making myself into a superior person. Now my life meant nothing. There was no reason to go about my menial mortal tasks. He was gone, and yet the gloomy blood still swirled.

Wrapping my hand in a dishtowel, I walked up the stairs and lay down on my undersized bed. I contemplated forever and how unavailing it would become without someone to share it with. I had once read that, "Hell, is to love no more." How true this is! I was living in my own personal, ghastly hell. I give up this life and everything to do with it! Closing my eyes, heart, and mind to the world, I die.