I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human
1. Chapter 1
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My eyes opened to the same feeling of hatred. School. There is nothing more painful to me than waking up at 7 am every freaking day. I was cold and I was tired, bored to hell and dizzy. That’s what happens when you fall asleep on your laptop at 4 am in the morning and you have to get up for school at seven.
I half ran to the bathroom feeling chills overtake my body as my bare feet hit the cold floor. I shuddered as I washed my face with cold water, blaming every human being responsible for establishing education systems that required we wake up at such an hour.
I got back to my room eyeing with longing my warm and soft bed before going to my wardrobe with a sulky look on my face. Dressed up in my too-casual jeans and jumper I brushed and pulled my hair up in a ponytail, sure to disgust Jessica again. That girl had a thing against ponytails. Agh.
All ready now, I picked up my bag and went down the stairs only to be surprised. Charlie, my dad, was usually already to work at this time but apparently not today. He was sitting at the kitchen table, two plates on it, one for him and one for me.
Breakfast with Charlie. Great.
I sat down across from him, glancing up once to see him reading his newspaper.
“Morning, dad”, I muttered.
I almost chuckled at the similarity of our tones. Emotionless. Like fucking robots.
I loved my dad and I’m pretty sure he loved me too. However, that didn’t mean there was any affection between the two of us, no sweet words, no proximity. You could say I inherited the coldness and detachment from him but it would be a lie.
I’ve lived most of my life with my open hearted, cheerful and emotional mother hugging me whenever she had the chance, leaving a sloppy kiss on my cheek every time she went to work, cuddling with me every night while watching a movie. No, this attitude, this way of living was all on me.
I never really understood the reason for being like this. Anti-social, isolated, cold. When I was younger I had lots of friends and I was actually liked for what I was. I guess, growing up I witnessed the changes in people that made them fit in the world. Changes that for some reason I didn’t undergo.
I still refuse to put on make up just because that’s what girls are supposed to do. I still deny dressing up for school like it’s a freaking everyday party. I still can’t see the importance of having your hair down when they’re clearly blocking your sight. I still refuse fitting in because no one has given me a reason why.
You could call me cynic but all the hypocrisy that surrounds me just makes me cringe. All the fake smiles, pretentious hugs, dishonest feelings have made me close up even more in myself. Hanging out with friends, going for a coffee or to the movies, gossiping like old ladies is of no interest to me.
I can’t pretend, no, I don’t want to pretend.
“So”, Charlie interrupted my inner thoughts, “any plans for tonight?”
I knew what he was doing. Once again, he was worried I didn’t spend enough time around human beings to be socially developed. How do you tell your dad that you didn’t want to be socially involved? That you cringe away from all the get togethers like you cringe away from fire? How do you tell your father that you’re just not like all the other normal, somewhat interesting people? That you’re a boring, empty shell with no life whatsoever?
“I don’t know, Jessica said something about going to the movies”.
It’s simple. You don’t. You just lie.
Charlie seemed partially satisfied by that, but I could still see the worry lines on his face. I wish there was something I could do about that but really, there wasn’t. I knew I’d end up home, reading for the tenth time one of my favourite books, watching a movie on my laptop or doing homework so there was nothing else I could say to him to make him feel better. I’d find a plausible lie, maybe add a fake pout on my face and fall asleep praying that the next day he would be ok with it.
“You should go. Spend some time with her. She seems like a nice girl”, he added watching me carefully.
I almost snorted. Nice girl my ass. She’d gone down on the majority of males of Forks high just for practice. Half of them had gone all way with her. I wondered if Charlie would still want me out and about hanging out with friends if he actually knew what most of those “friends” did. I didn’t judge them, hell, I was in no position to accuse. But I knew my father and I knew a cop. The combination is deadly when it comes to slutty girls and horny boys. I just smiled.
“Yeah. I should get going. Don’t wanna be late”.
Without even waiting for a reply I was out the door and into my truck. My dear truck. I kissed the wheel just like I did every time I drove, mentally giving it strength not to break down in the middle of the road. Yes, that’s me, affectionate only towards machines.
I drove to school wearing my usual bored grimace on my face. I couldn’t help it, really. My school record for ditching proved that. Charlie was called several times to be informed of my constant ditching classes. My high grades prevented him from actually scolding me but I had to refrain from ditching that much. I just had to limit it and everyone would be happy.
The thing is that I don’t ditch class to do something bad, or fun according to others, like smoke pot behind the bushes or make out with a guy in the bathroom. I ditch to go home and be away from all the things that suffocate me. Mostly, to get away from life itself.
I finally arrived at the school parking lot and parked at my usual, away from the others, spot. I generally made it clear that I wanted to be left alone, always politely of course, but bluntly nontheless. That didn’t put a stop to it, however. I was fairly new to Froks, new to high school, only four months since I got here, so I was still considered the new shiny toy.
Mike was following me around trying to impress me with stud moves usually ending up ridiculing himself, Eric was doing the same but only to piss Mike off and Jessica was just trying to keep her wannabe boyfriend aka Mike from falling into my webs. Ridiculous, really. I never showed any interest in Mike, actually I never showed any interest in anything involving high school. I always made it perfectly clear that I couldn’t wait till I got away from that shit hole and got back to my safe haven. My privacy. Which was about to be violated considering the over friendly look on Mike’s face as I saw him approaching me.
How I wanted to smack him when he called me that.
“Hi”, I said politely as always. I really was polite. And nice. I mean, that was how I was raised. I may cringe away from people and laugh inside my head at the hypocrisy in them but never out loud. I fake smiled and nodded because I learned not to be rude even when all I wanted to do was tell them to leave me the fuck alone.
“You coming tonight?” he asked all eager like a puppy waiting for its meal.
“I…um…I’m sorry Mike, I have some stuff to do”, I said, not entirely lying. Because I had things to do tonight but they weren’t the reason I wasn’t going. But how do you tell someone that he makes you wanna jump off a window out of boredom?
“It’s ok, maybe next time”, he smiled a toothy smile like a 5 year old. I wondered briefly how many “next times” have gone past by now.
We started walking towards the building entrance when I noticed something different. A shiny, blue-silver Volvo in the parking lot. It wouldn’t be so strange if all the surrounding cars were not so old and broken like they were piles of shit compared to this one. Mike saw me staring at the new car and jumped to inform me.
“New kids in town. They came in today”, he explained.
That was the first tinge of excitement I felt. New kids meant new meat for ogling. I wouldn’t be the shiny new toy anymore, they would be. Ahh the joy. I walked to class a little more joyful than usual.
I watched as I walked all kinds of students. Popular kids, nerds, skaters, bad asses, athletes. I fit nowhere. I was only popular coz I was new. I wasn’t that smart to be a nerd and I certainly couldn’t skate. I rarely even raised my voice when I was angry let alone being violent for no reason. And the only athletic thing on me was my appetite. So yeah, I, Bella Swan, was one of a kind. What a miserable life.
The first time I realized my miserable nature I cried. It hurt to actually realize that I didn’t like my life, no, that I didn’t enjoy living. It hurt to know that I was as boring a person as I was bored of everyone. It pained me to know that if I died I would actually feel relief for not having to endure the endless blank life with no purpose that I was living. So I cried it all out.
After that day, every morning I woke up I made a promise to myself to try and change that. To try and get a life, to find joy in things that all ordinary people enjoyed. Needless to say that every night I got back, disappointed, miserable and worn out. It didn’t take long before I finally gave up. I didn’t actually give up anything important, coz I had nothing. Just gave up trying to be someone I wasn’t.
So now, I’ve come to grips with who I am. Noticing people laughing and smiling and living doesn’t hurt so bad any more. Perhaps that’s why I don’t show emotions anymore because I’ve resigned myself to not feel them.
The first classes went by in a blur like they usually do. Nothing important, nothing out of the ordinary, boring. No wonder I used to ditch so often. Time seems to go backwards instead of forward at times like these. I wanted to scream and kick and jump and just feel something, anything remotely different from the numbness that prevailed in my being.
It was lunch time now and I sat as always with the rest of the gang, Jessica, Mike, Eric and Angela. Some other guys were there too but I don’t even remember their names. Jessica was desperately and one-sidely flirting with Mike while he was busy fucking around with Eric.
This was probably the worst time of the day when I had to sit with them and actually join in the conversation. At least when we had class I had the teachers for distractions and detentions to prevent students from talking to me. Now I just had to fake-smile and fake-nod and be fake for the sake of being fake- nice.
I was lost in those cheerful and happy thoughts of mine when a couple of really good looking students came in the lunch room. I noticed many heads snap up and stare at the two beautiful people walking in and came to the conclusion that they were the new kids. The guy was tall and big with curly hair and dimples that made him not so scary for his huge size while the girl was blonde and thin and walked with an elegance of a model. Too freaking beautiful.
We hadn’t come around from the first couple when a second one appeared right behind the first one. This guy was blond and thin and handsome in a weird, battle-survivor way and the girl hanging from him was a tiny little form of life with short spiked dark hair and a toothy smile that lightened up her whole face. Unexpectedly a rash of jealousy seeped through me not because I wasn’t and never was gonna be as pretty as them but because I would never be so happy, so carefree, so alive.
My momentary overloaded self pity was interrupted by the appearance of the last new student. I could hear the sudden female gasps all around me and it really didn’t surprise me. The guy was gorgeous with green emerald eyes, bronge hair, the body of an athlete and yet the style of a freaking model. He was out right beautiful.
Girls all around me started fanning themselves trying not to pass out, Jessica was already thinking of a plan to seduce him, others were trying not to drool over him, trying to overcome the sudden hormone attack.
And I, sad little Bella, incapable of any mild or powerful emotions, for some inexplicable and unknown reason, hated him with a passion I had never felt in my life.
I absolutely loathed him.