I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human
10. Chapter 10
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Throngs of people were dancing and grinding against each other or grinding against random people or inanimate things like the sofa. And they weren’t even drunk.
I was certainly heading towards that direction. Getting ass drunk.
I distinctly remembered someone asking me why I always got drunk. The answer was because it was the happiest I could ever get. And that answer has applied ever since.
I had come to grips with the fact that I was just incapable of enjoying a day or night out without having booze in me. Sure, spending time with the Cullens was different but I had never, ever, truly felt like I had a great time. It was always fine, maybe nice, okay, but it was never great, no matter what. Except when I was drunk.
I supposed it was my fault, my fucked up head refused to let me enjoy life itself. Sometimes I even thought that it was because I was so boring myself. If I couldn’t open up and mingle with those around me, how could I find anything remotely interesting or just better than ok? I thought everything was mediocre because I, myself, was mediocre.
And that kind of thoughts signified the fact that I was almost drunk enough to let loose. I always had random thoughts like that while drunk. It was the setback of the whole situation. Booze might be what made me fucking happy but it was what made me fucking sad and retrospective as well. It went two ways, unfortunately.
“Let’s do shots!”
I also got excited with random shit like shots.
Five heads turned incredulously to look at me. I was almost drunk enough not to care.
Emmett went to get the shots while Alice was inspecting me closely.
I didn’t pay attention to her, I was looking across the room where Jessica and a guy I didn’t know - probably she didn’t either - were making out, rather passionately.
Had I been sober, I would have judged them and averted my eyes, commenting on her pathetic and completely superficial character and on the dude’s lack of taste and control. Politely, of course, because I was always polite. The sight was evidently disgusting but drunk as I was, my mind was not capable of keeping the wall up that I had built around the thoughts which I wished not to have. Judgment and sarcastic comments about other people’s careless actions was my defense against unwanted feelings, like jealousy or sadness or desperation.
A boozed up head was indulgent to such kind of thoughts, though. I wasn’t about to start crying or complaining about it to my friends, but it sure did affect my high at that moment, at least for a little while. I just needed a few more shots.
An hour later and I was done.
“All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! Now put your hands up! Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh…!!!”
I was dancing and singing and just jumping up and down and I had never seen Alice looking at me so excitedly. She seemed to be having fun with the drunken me, and that was another reason why I liked to get drunk. It seemed like my friends were happier with me when I was all boozed up, than when I was all sober and serious. Or it was just another excuse for me to drink with no guilt.
“Let’s do more shots!” I suggested, or more like screamed to Alice. The music was so loud I could practically feel the beat of it inside me.
“Bella…are you sure? I mean, you’ve drank too much already…”
It was funny how she worried about me, not funnier than Edward’s worrying about me but still, it was pretty close. They were all concerned and protective and caring, it was surreal. A distant voice in my head was saying that this was nice of them and certainly not funny, but I laughed at them anyway. Everything was funny and everyone was ridiculous. We did more shots with Alice and I could feel almost nothing when the alcohol went down my throat, neither a burning feeling, nor a tingle, it was like drinking water. And I was fine, perfectly fine in my booze paradise where I was dancing, laughing and singing without thinking how my life sucked because I sucked. How I was too pathetic to get over the depressing phase I was going through since I hit puberty. How I had no idea what was wrong with me and yet I knew I couldn’t find a cure for it. How I was too scared to deal with Kateand her problems while hiding behind mine, claiming that mine were bigger issues when they weren’t. How I didn’t even know what my issues were but jumped at every opportunity to admit that I actually had plenty of issues. How I was dancing right now without even listening to the music that was so loud that my heart hurt. How I was now grinding against some guy that I hadn’t even looked at. How my eyes could not focus on his face for too long but I could still see he was not in the least attractive, certainly not my type. How his hands were everywhere and how his nose was bumping mine. How his lips barely touched mine before his tongue was out and in my mouth. How I did the gag reflex in his mouth but he thought I was overcome with passion or whatever and responded with more passion himself. How he was groping and feeling me up but I was not feeling anything. How I was kissing him back because I felt like I had to, like every normal girl would do exactly that. How I was feeling more alone and sad than I ever did even though there was someone holding me and kissing me and just…there. How I was…
“Ffffffuck!!” I groaned into my pillow. “Jesus fucking Christ!” A flood of memories from last night came rushing through my head, making me feel light headed. How did I…? Who was I…? Why would I…? How could I…? Oh my…
Holy Mother of God!!!
There was someone in my room. It couldn’t be…NO!
I leaned over the left side of my bed to see that there was a lump of blankets over something that seemed to be moving.
Holy fucking shit!!
It couldn’t be…him, could it? I would never…would I?
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” I whispered to myself. I couldn’t believe I could have done what was implied by the current situation. I was certainly not the kind of girl who believed in teenage love and losing your virginity to the love of your life but I didn’t think I could be the other kind of girl who would get deflowered by a guy she didn’t even know. Plus, I could not remember any-freaking-thing.
“Stop talking so loudly. My head is killing me!”
And…that was not a guy. Or maybe it was a guy who had a hilarious - and just begging to be mocked - female voice.
I carefully grabbed the end of the blanket covering whoever had just talked and slowly dragged it back.
A mop of dark, spiky hair was peeking out from a fluffy ball that was the pillow.
I had never been happier to see her.
“Oh, thank God it’s you”, I sighed in relief and fell back to bed.
“Why? Who else could it be?” She said in a muffled voice.
I cringed because it was way too early to reflect on last night. I had a feeling it was going to suck even more, tomorrow at school.
I still had a fuzzy memory but the little I could remember made me want to hit my head so hard against the wall in order to get amnesia. Or die. Same difference.
All I knew was that I really didn’t want to talk about it, not now, not ever, but especially not now.
“What time is it?” I asked instead but didn’t wait for her answer. I quickly got up and went in search of my cellphone.
“Don’t change the subject,” she said and there was certainly a smile in her voice.
I turned to look at her and there she was, sitting on my bed, yoga style, her hair peeking out at all corners and a mischief tingle in her eyes.
“You thought there was a guy in here, didn’t you?”
She was all cheeky and teasing and I just wanted to deck her and then deck myself against the wall. How did I let myself get into this mess? It wasn’t the first time I had gotten drunk or had done something stupid like hook up with a random dude, but this was not Phoenix god dammit, I was new here and did not have my childhood friends along with me. All these people were new to me and I was new to them. And now I was the new whore. Nobody was going to judge Jessica because she was not new around here, her whoring was well known, but I was the new kid in town, the daughter of the chief of police, who got ass drunk and got ass groped by some guy whom she didn’t even know.
And I still didn’t know the whole fucking story.
I sat on the edge of my bed, my back to Alice and my head inside my hands.
How had I come to this? I remembered drinking, doing shots, drinking some more, and then I was dancing and Alice was dancing with me and then…we did more shots. And then I was dancing alone…and there he was, grinding against me, touching me, breathing against me, shoving his tongue in my mouth…
I barely reached the toilet before I gagged my insides out. I threw up, again and again, and just when I thought I didn’t have anything left in me, a certain somebody’s face appeared in my head and then an image of his tongue in my mouth and of his hands on my…I was vomiting again.
Alice was there when I got back, with a glass of water and a sympathetic hand on my back. I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted to get slapped so hard that I would quit drinking for the rest of my life.
“Are you ok?” Alice murmured while rubbing my back.
I shook my head from right to left vigorously because I was certainly not fucking ok. I had my head buried in my hands yet again because it really seemed like I would start crying at any second.
“It’s really not a big deal, Bella,” Alice went on, “I mean, everyone’s fooled around once or twice.”
I cringed, making her laugh.
“It’s not funny!” I groaned inside my hands.
This made her laugh even harder.
And somehow, I felt a little better. Before I knew it, I was laughing along with her and after a while, we were cracking up so hard that Charlie heard us from downstairs and came to check up on us.
“It’s really going to be fine, Bella,” Alice assured me my once Charlie was gone.
“But…but I didn’t even know his name, Alice. I didn’t even…look at his face.”
She laughed. “That was probably for the best.”
“Oh my God! He was that bad? Oh I’m gonna throw up again!” I whined.
“Well, he wasn’t that bad, but he was not above mediocre. Unless you like the short, sturdy, shaved-head, gangster type.”
I felt so angry with myself. The only thing that would prevent me from crying was laughter. So we cracked up again and again while Alice was telling me about everything I missed from last night.
Apparently, he was the one to approach me and I was too lost in my high to look at him and actually think before responding to him. It was not just us who were hooking up, plenty of others were doing the same, if not worse, all around the room. Alice was about to come and get me because I had drunk just a bit too much but suddenly I was being swallowed by the tongue-thruster and she didn’t want to interrupt us. She did however caught my eye signal at some point when apparently I wanted her to come and get me away from him. She said that the guy was all lovey dovey, kissing my hand and asking if I were ok, but the urge to puke prevented me from thinking nicely of him. We then left and Edward suggested that Alice would stay with me in case anything happened to me during the night.
And shit, I had only just thought of Edward. What would he think? Why should he care? Why should I care? Yes, I liked him but the feeling was doomed before it even transformed into something more than a passing thought. I really didn’t want to dwell on that fact so I focused back on Alice.
“I wish you had interrupted us right from the start,” I told her truthfully.
“Come on, it couldn’t be that bad.”
“Trust me, Alice, it was…it was not good.”
More memories from last night came back to me which only made it clearer just how bad it was. Aside from the fact that I remembered that I felt…nothing, I could now recall Edward. He had been drinking with us at first, but after a considerable amount of alcohol he stopped, said it was more than enough. I also remembered him telling me to stop drinking before I did anything stupid which was…pretty accurate eventually. And then I could almost clearly remember his face when that guy was grinding against me, feeling me up and down while I did nothing to put him off.
I wish I could say that his eyes darkened with jealousy and hidden lust, that he was in rage because someone else was touching me, that he could barely control himself before he came and dragged me away from the other guy, but that would be bullshit. Horse shit, to be exact. And though I would find this shit pleasant to read in a historical romance, I did not live in fiction and that would never happen in real life. What could happen and what actually did happen was a lot worse and way more real.
There was no lust, no anger and certainly no jealousy, and even though I was too drunk to focus on things like dilating eyes or hardening jaws, I did remember the way his look made me feel.
I could not be sure about what he was thinking at that moment but it sure seemed to me like he was disgusted with me. No hooded eyes, no meaningful quirks of the mouth, just a plain, hard stare on me that was like a punch in the gut that kept you up all night because you couldn’t find the right spot for your body to squish the pain.
And then other memories rushed back, memories of what we actually did with that guy and…
“Oh God, oh God, oh God!” I jumped up and down.
“I just remembered…something he did…and oh God!!!”
I kept shaking myself as a shudder of disgust went through me. And then I giggled because it was fucking funny. And pretty embarrassing.
“What?” Alice laughed. “What did he do?”
“No.” I couldn’t tell her. This was ridiculous. She would laugh at me for the rest of both of our lives.
“Come on, Bella. I’m pretty sure it’s not something I haven’t done with Jasper before,” she said as a matter of fact.
Ew. “That doesn’t make it any better.”
“Oh, come on. I promise I won’t laugh,” she said and as promised she sat with the most serious look on her face waiting expectantly.
I knew she was going to laugh, and then I was going to laugh with her, and then I was going to regret ever telling her, but…I really needed to tell someone.
“He…kind of…twisted my…nipples.”
She didn’t react.
“And it really fucking hurt. I mean...who likes that?”
And then I grabbed my tits with a cringe as if to prove my point.
We cracked up.