I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human
2. Chapter 2
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I watched him walk like he owned the god damned place. He had a great deal of confidence for a new guy. I remember the day I first walked in the lunch room of the school. I thought my cheeks were permanently on fire due to my constant blushing. I tripped and I fell and I made a fool of myself in general. And here he goes like a freaking god on earth. Who does he think he is?
I took a minute to pull myself together. Why did I care who he was? And why the hell did I hate him so much? I didn’t know him, I didn’t even know his name. What I knew for certain was exactly that – that I’d never get to know him. He was gorgeous, confident and sure of himself. He probably was too busy thinking of the interesting events in his life to pay attention to silly things like first days at school. Or silly girls with no life.
So why was I so annoyed?
I stopped staring at him. I really didn’t want him to catch me looking at him but I also hated being one of his new fan girls. Jessica was enough for two.
I focused on my food after I caught another glimpse of him. He sat down with the rest of the new kids but he seemed oddly out of place. Perhaps it was because he was the only single one. The other four looked pretty cozy with each other while he sat alone and stiff. He was definitely not embarrassed but he sure looked like this was the last place he wanted to be. Join the club.
I went back to partly listening, partly ignoring the others around me. Mike was casting annoyed glances toward the new kids while muttering something incoherent under his breath. Jessica was being ridiculous once again. Now that she had figured most of the new kids were off the market, her target was the bronge-haired boy, the one with the grouchy face. I could literally see her drooling.
I must have let out a loud snort because suddenly all eyes were on me. Well, not all just the people at the table that heard me. However, that was enough to send my blushing on overdrive.
“What?” I asked out loud, looking around me.
“You don’t think he’s hot?” Jessica horny/Stanley asked me rudely with a look of utter disgust on her face. I wasn’t sure today if the disgust was because of my ponytail or my indifference towards the new guy.
“I think he’s an ass.”
Honesty. Such a rare thing for me. I usually prefer being polite to expressing my true thoughts and feelings. But there was something about this guy that pissed me off more than usual. I don’t know, maybe it was that cocky ass face he made or his indifferent stance that seemed to scream “I fucking own you”. But for some reason I wanted to punch that smugness up through his ass and out of his stupid French nose. If that even makes sense.
Now more eyes were on me and I felt even more exposed by the attention I was getting. Mike chocked on his water and if I thought Jessica was disgusted before, now she looked like she was literally eating shit. I wondered if some day that look of disgust combined with incredulity that she saved for me, would stay permanent on her face due to constant using. That would be a funny thing to watch.
And then… I was saved by the freaking bell.
I gathered my things quickly trying to ignore the questionable stares I received from the people at the table and nudged Angela to freaking move already. She, too, looked at me strangely but she was too fucking polite to question me. Good girl. I was in no mood for my usual chatty lies and blank expressions.
I shoved people aside as I made my way to the biology class. Most of them though kept staring at me like they had seen a freaking ghost. I could almost hear their thoughts. “Wow, she just shot me an angry look. She does feel”. Assholes.
I reached class and went to sit at my lonely table. That was why this was my favorite class. Some alone time for the fucking loner. It was absolutely heaven.
I swear I’ve never had so many feelings surge through me at the same moment. Shock, disbelief, incredulity, discomfort, anger, rage. All at once. And the reason? A bronge-haired, green-eyed, cocky ass was coming towards my way, my table, me. Was this a joke? Of all the empty seats all around the room why did Mr. Banner have to make him sit here? Why did he have to come to this school? Why did he make me feel like this? Why am I being mental? Why is he smiling at me? Wait, what?
“Hi. I’m Edward Cullen. Do you mind if I sit with you?” So fucking polite. Why couldn’t he act all bossy and bitchy and cocky and just fucking badly so I could hate him for a reason? Now I was just a paranoid girl, hating the new gorgeous guy for an unknown reason. I was seriously considering the possibility of my being mental after spending so many hours with my laptop and my internet world.
“Sure”, I sort of whispered without looking at him. I focused on a piece of paper in front of me where I doodled and draw without paying attention to what I was doing. For some weird and totally stupid reason my mind was on the boy currently sitting next to me. Automatically, I withdrew myself, sitting as far away from him as possible.
I jumped. I freaking jumped. He scared the shit out of me by just saying a stupid “so” and now my cheeks were on fire. Awesome. I was just too lost in my thoughts about him that hearing his voice startled me. I’m pathetic.
“Sorry”, he apologized softly but I could faintly hear a smile behind his words.
Finally, a reason to glare at him. And that’s what I did. And for some ridiculous reason he found that amusing, letting out a chuckle before he controlled himself. I glared at him more openly.
“So, what’s your name?” he asked softly and now he had an apologetic look on his face. Well, damn. He was polite and nice. Couldn’t get any worse.
I think he was about to say something, politely of course, but I didn’t give him a chance because I turned sharply my head away from him, not trusting myself any longer. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but I’ll be damned before I get embarrassed by the new guy. I withdrew myself even more, shifting and cringing away from him. It was natural, as always, to keep away. I never trusted myself when other people were around. I always feared that my reactions would ridicule me, embarrass me until my face was red as a tomato. I was not a confident person, but I was a careful one. If by being yourself, you mess up, but if by being someone you’re not, you feel fake, then don’t be anyone at all.
That’s me, Bella Swan, a ghost.
I could feel his questioning eyes on me. I was angry and yet horrified. The feelings that cursed through me could be only described as weird. Foreign. Confusing.
Edward Cullen, a gorgeous and nice guy, sat next to me and while it used to be so easy to ignore guys like these and just close up to myself, I found it extremely difficult this time. It’s not that I couldn’t because hell, it’s been almost thirty minutes and I still haven’t spoken or looked at him. It’s just that I didn’t want to ignore him.
After all this time that I’ve come to grips with who I am, with who I’ve become, one guy suddenly bursts in and makes me feel sad about it. Heartbreakingly sad. He made wish I was different, something I had promised myself never to think about. Because if you hate who you are, then why are you still breathing?
He made me feel jealousy, made me envy all the other girls who probably never felt as inadequate as I did at this moment. I felt a desire, never before so strong, to be normal, to be ordinary, just a tiny bit interesting instead of blank and boring and just plain Bella.
He made me want to cry.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Banner, may I be excused?”
For a moment, Mr. Banner looked like he was seeing me for the first time. I didn’t blame him, I mean if it weren’t for my writing his tests he wouldn’t know that I existed. I didn’t exist in his class, I was just there. He was about to object but something in my expression must have convinced him that I was in no mood to play today. I guess I didn’t look so bored today because he nodded at me with a somewhat concerned look on his face.
I didn’t stop to ponder this, I didn’t even think before I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door. I didn’t look at Edward but I knew he must me extremely confused by my behavior. That only fueled my desperation.
I ran and I ran until I was outdoors and there was no one around me.
And then I started sobbing.
Why? I don’t know why. Maybe because I was not normal. Because I didn’t feel like other people did, I only hurt. Because I was so empty inside that there was nothing for people to find out. I was boring and tiresome. I had nothing to give because I had nothing in me. Just pain for being like this.
I cried harder.
Why? Maybe because I felt guilty for burying all this pain away like it didn’t matter. Because I pretended like it wasn’t there when I had swore that I would never pretend.
I couldn’t stop the tears.
Why? Perhaps because I was this empty person with no reason. I had a good, happy life and many opportunities to rise and yet here I was crying over the fact that I would never rise. Not because I didn’t have the chance but because I couldn’t find the strength to do so. Because I was weak.
I dropped to the ground hugging myself while the tears kept falling.
Why? Why? Why?
Because of Edward Cullen. He made me wish. He made me hope. He made me regret. He made me cry for not being like all others. He made me cry for wishing that I was like the others. There he was, gorgeous and confident, polite and everything a girl can want and here was I, plain, boring and lost.
Lost in a world of no emotion.
I hated him. Not because of who he was but because of who he made me wish I was. Someone different. I hated him because I would never be enough for him, not beautiful, not interesting, not anything remotely close to what he deserved or wanted. I hated him because he reminded me of all the things I was missing by being myself. But above all, I hated him because he made me feel.