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No emotion

Summary:
I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human


Notes:


5. Chapter 5

Rating 5/5   Word Count 3401   Review this Chapter

Go to school. Don’t go to school. You’ve got to go to school. Don’t go. You must go. Oh who am I kidding? I’m not going to school.

Monday mornings were harder on me than even Garfield. Even though I had just had a Sunday filled with naps and relaxing and doing absolutely nothing, I had no strength whatsoever to get up and go to purgatory, or in simple English, school. There was just no way I was going to endure so many hours of endless horseshit, repeated again and again and again and oh God, again throughout the day. Teachers, students, Mike, Tyler, Jessica, math, science, Edward….

“Ow!” I yelped out loud as I made to sit up on the bed way too freaking fast. I waited a minute for my head to come back to the present environment and then off I was getting ready for school, blocking away all the disturbing images of Edward in my head and refusing to acknowledge the real reason I was so eager to go.

Charlie was thankfully gone so he didn’t get to see my super excited and eager-to-go-to-school expression. The truth was that I just didn’t want to miss anything new. What if Edward actually talked to someone today besides his family? What if he wanted to talk to me again but couldn’t because I was absent? No, I had to go school. Plus, the other Cullens would be there and that meant at least a more satisfying lunch. And if Edward was still ignoring me, I would have Alice to cheer me up. Unless Alice was ignoring me too…. What? No, why would she ignore me? Edward is the only jackass in the family. Everything’s going to be fine.

A quick breakfast, a kiss on the wheel and five minutes of driving later, I was parking in the school parking lot. I looked around me as I got out of the car but I couldn’t spot any of the Cullens. Despite myself, I started panicking a little bit. I was so happy that I had had a great time on Saturday night that I didn’t bother with how everyone else felt about it, better yet, about me.

My hand twitched towards the front door of my car, my mind going crazy with indecisions about my staying to school and getting fucking far away.

“Bella!”

The unmistakable chirpy voice of the one and only Alice Cullen sounded from behind me and made me turn to look at her. Despite my previous negativity I couldn’t help but get a little hyped at the sight of the hyper active pixie and her family.

Jasper was following closely behind Alice, an infatuated little smile tugging on his lips. Emmett and Rosalie were side by side whispering nothings to each other and then there was Edward who looked unnaturally uncomfortable. He kept looking at me and then he’d quickly turn away his head avoiding eye contact with me. And then he would look at me again only to blink and look at something else. It was really fucking weird.

“How was your Sunday?” Alice asked while taking my elbow and entwining our hands to walk together.

“Uh…you know…boring,” I said with a shrug and I truly was not lying. All I had done on Sunday was sleep, eat, do some homework and read another one of my favorite novels.

“Then why didn’t you call me?” Alice asked with a pout. “I thought you were having a family day, you know, with your dad,” she explained.

At that, I laughed out loud.

“Please”, I snorted, “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than spend more time with Charlie than I do now.” I felt a little bad talking about Charlie this way but I was being honest. And maybe I wanted to appear as a cool, independent teenager instead of a daddy’s girl. Maybe.

Edward was sullenly following behind us and I was such a dork that I kept stealing glances at him, almost tripping over, not watching where I was going. I also noticed Jasper casting his eyes on him more times than I could count. I suspected that he knew what was wrong with him, just like the rest of the family, but he was just the only one doing something about it, or at least trying. I got a feeling that that was not what Edward desired thus everyone else left him alone.

Realizing I was being stared at, I looked up. We were walking along the school hall and apparently every student had their eyes on us and their mouths to each other’s ears, whispering and gossiping. Just what I fucking needed.

Surprisingly, none of the Cullens seemed to mind all the attention. Probably because they were used to it, what with being gorgeous and all. I reached my locker first, the rest of them going towards their own.

“See you later, Bella,” Alice smiled at me.

I was about to pick up my books when I realized that the sulking Cullen, a.k.a. Edward, was still beside me and by the look of it, feeling really uncomfortable. I turned fully to look at him but he wouldn’t meet my eyes, he just nervously scratched his neck and looked at the floor.

“I’m sorry.”

Come again?

“Wh…what?” I mumbled like an idiot.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

I did hear him, but for the life of me, I couldn’t match his tone with his words. He was apologizing and yet his tone and attitude showed hostility. Besides, I had no idea what he was apologizing for. He couldn’t possibly know about the emotional breakdown he caused me, he couldn’t have done anything to me since he acted like I didn’t exist. Unless he was apologizing for the hospital incident, which wouldn’t make sense either.

“For what?” I finally asked and I’m not sure I wanted the answer to that question.

“For being an ass,” he explained with a sigh and he was even more uncomfortable now.

That made sense. I guess his family didn’t enjoy his moodiness any more than I did, so he had to make it up to them. He was indeed an ass all Saturday night, making me feel like I was unwanted, like I was there uninvited and completely irrelevant. He made me doubt myself again but in all honesty, I was so used to my lack of appeal towards other people, that I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t even bother trying to get to know me. I had no confidence whatsoever long before he arrived here. The only weird thing in this situation was that the rest of the Cullens seemed to like me.

“You…have nothing to apologize for,” I said with my best sincere expression. Honestly, he didn’t. And even though I was a little hurt, I wasn’t about to start crying and making a scene. This has been my life since I can remember, showing no feelings but the ones acceptable. And now I was being cool, indifferent, nice.

His eyes finally found mine and then it was my turn to look down. I don’t know why I always did that, never looking straight to one person’s eyes. I supposed I was a coward. Looking into someone’s eyes was like showing them my secrets, my hidden feelings. And I was sure those feelings would contradict my words, not because I was lying but because I was hiding.

Edward didn’t say anything else but I guessed he was still staring at me, for I could feel him beside me not moving a muscle. I quickly gathered my stuff, locked my locker and with a “See you later,” walked away from him.

I focused everything I had on the teachers that followed, everything they said was imprinted and processed in my brain. I left no room whatsoever for unpleasant thoughts and by the time I had to go to lunch I had a headache so strong, I was sure some of my brain cells were damaged.

And now I was faced with a dilemma. Would I sit with Angela and the rest of the guys or with Alice and the Cullens? I was surprised by my sudden confidence in that I would still be welcome at the Cullens’ table but my head ached too much to elaborate on that too.

I didn’t bother weighing the pros and the cons, I knew the Cullens won by far. But still, I was leaning towards joining Angela and Jessica at the table because I just didn’t want to be the girl who ditched her previous friends when the new meat arrived. I had just started walking towards my previous table when I heard --- along with the rest of the students --- Emmett literally laughing his head off. Alice’s honey giggle accompanied his sudden guffaw and I could see the other Cullens laughing silently as well. Even Edward cracked a smile.

And suddenly I was heading towards the opposite direction, away from Jessica and her nasty remarks, away from Mike and his crude attitude, away from my personal lunch-time hell.

I caught Alice’s eye and all it took was her calling my name to pick up my pace and head towards her table, my new table.

Time flew by like seconds and I swear I had never had so much fun during lunch time. Emmett was hilarious. The dude had a heart bigger than the lunch room and a guffaw even bigger. I think I laughed more than I have laughed in all my days here at Forks. And I even participated in the conversation which is saying a lot. I generally keep my mouth shut, especially around people that I have just met, in order to extend my stay with them. I fear that just by talking, I’ll reveal my pathetic self to them and push them away. That wasn’t the case with the Cullens. Alice kept asking me questions, my opinion on certain subjects and generally probed me into letting go of my insecurities and just having fun. Even Edward seemed to be having fun and I think, I think, he glanced at me once or twice.

Without even realizing it, it was time for the next class. Alice and Emmett left together for the English class and Rosalie and Jasper for the math class.

And then there was me…and Edward. I didn’t know if I should wait for him, I mean, we were heading towards the same classroom, but he may have wanted some time alone. Or some time away from me for that matter.

I picked up my stuff and turned to look at him. My mouth opened but no words were formed and I could see he was amused by it. I involuntarily huffed and he smirked, a crooked smile taking over his face, taking over my heart. I must have been staring at him because I jumped when he said laughing, “Let’s go.”

I followed after him, cheeks burning red, heart beating out of my body, eyes on my feet. The costume of a dork.

We got to class and I was again surprised when he voluntarily sat beside me. I mean, he looked sort of uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, but it was a rapid change from his ignoring my mere existence. At least he was trying.

We waited in silence for the teacher to come in, me biting my nails and him staring straight ahead. I think I ended up ogling him because he started laughing at me with that sexy, throaty laugh of his.

“What?” I asked self-consciously. I started touching and rubbing my face fearing I had food on my face or something.

“Nothing,” he shook his head still chuckling. “It’s just that you’re still blushing and I wasn’t even saying anything.”

Perfect. Now I could literally feel my whole body go on flames and his laughing at that only made it worse.

“Stop it!” I hissed, covering my cheeks with my hands.

I could still hear him choking up his laugh but I couldn’t be mad at him. Without even realizing it, I was giggling along with him. We had to calm ourselves down once Mr. Banner entered the classroom, but it was different now. I don’t know what it was, but I felt more at ease around Edward and he seemed to have lost the scowl on his face. He wasn’t the sulking Cullen who wouldn’t talk to me, but he wasn’t that creepy and confusing Edward that I had met at the hospital either. He was a new Edward, someone I liked, not in a scary-he’s-never-going-to-like-me-back kind of way, but like someone I could actually have fun with.

I think I was smiling all the while Mr. Banner lectured us on the importance of hygiene, something I was sure Tyler was not aware of. Edward’s expression was calm, and whenever he would look at me, that drop-to-my-knees crooked smile would form on his face and make my heart jump.

I was giddy. I was optimistic. I was…fucked. I knew it always started like this and then ended up fucking destroying me. I knew it, but I just let it be. Like the fucking Beatles.

We left the classroom once the hour was over, side by side. It was awkward and yet comfortable. We made small talk, fucking small talk, he smirked, I giggled, I blushed, he chuckled.

We weren’t friends, and we weren’t flirting. But we were trying and it felt awesome. Just the thought that he actually took the time to notice me, was enough to make me breathe a little more easily. And the fact that I was finally experiencing something as innocent and completely trivial thing like that, was liberating.

The next couple of days were the same and yet different. I was half expecting Edward to ignore me, but it never happened. I was greeted and asked how I was, I got a smile and a smirk, and I even got a wink. I got more than I could have anticipated for.

We talked about trivial things, irrelevant and completely unnecessary conversations that made me unnaturally content. I did make a lot comments that resulted in my wanting to put my foot in my mouth, but nice things were said as well, that left me feeling good about myself.

There was generally a change in Edward’s attitude and I had a feeling that most of it was due to Jasper. He did seem smug as hell and Alice tended to thank him any way she could. A lot.

Thursday was a particularly good day. Not only do I like Thursdays in general, but Edward offered to pick me up from my house the next morning. He said something about my car not making it or something but I didn’t exactly pay attention because I was trying to calm myself down.

I denied, of course. Why? Because I am nice like that and don’t want to be a burden. I did want to spend more time with him but I…chickened out, I guess. More time with him meant more chances to screw everything up.

So no, I wasn’t going to ride with him to school but I wasn’t going to pull away either. I was scared, fuck it, I was scared shitless. And I wasn’t even sure what exactly I was scared of. All I knew was that Edward Cullen was affecting me more than anyone else I knew. I didn’t really know if it was in a good or a bad way, but I could at least acknowledge the fact that I liked him. I wasn’t going to elaborate on the way I liked him, on crushes, love and crap like that but I wasn’t going to lie about liking him. I liked him.

Therefore, I would stick around for as long as he wanted me, or at least accepted me. I wasn’t about to come forward with a confession of love, fuck, it wasn’t even like that. I’m not sure I was capable of such feelings any more.

Friday was a bit different. Edward was still friendly towards me but there was something about him that was off. His mind seemed to be racing away and it was definitely not going into pleasant places. I was a little disturbed that I actually knew so much about him to identify his good and bad mood but I let it be. I let it fucking be.

At the lunch table, I noticed Edward going into an even darker place, especially when Alice started telling me about their old school. She didn’t elaborate on it and I felt a little bad for bringing it up, for everyone at the table seemed more tense and nervous. I did though learn about the name of the school, in Alaska, and some minor details that were said just to be said. I quickly changed the subject but I kept the name of the school in my memory for further research.

Diamond High School.

I fucking Googled it.

I knew I shouldn’t have, I mean, there was obviously something that went wrong at that school and my guess was that it directly involved Edward, but the rest of the family was indirectly affected. Thus the awkwardness at the table today and damn it I couldn’t just not look for it.

The Cullen boys would be gone for the weekend as Alice had told me. They used to go camping in the woods with Dr. Carlisle to have some male bonding time while the females of the family would be going to Seattle for the weekend. I was surprised when Rosalie actually invited me to go with them. She said something about my wardrobe needing an update but I was too happy that she actually invited me to spend more time with them to pay attention.

However, my answer was negative. Not only would I be too much of a burden to them but I was in no financial condition to go shopping with them. I had seen the brands of clothing they wore and I don’t think all of my saved money could buy me even the simplest of Rosalie’s shirts. And while I had no problem spending small amounts of money on my clothes, I really didn’t feel comfortable with explaining to them my views of capitalism and hypocrisy of today’s people. I liked them too much to let them go through that torture. Even I couldn’t stand myself with my opinions sometimes and that’s saying a lot.

The internet connection started speeding up and I was fucking grateful. The high school’s site was rather organized. Information about admissions, teachers, libraries and such were everywhere but that was not going to help me find what I was looking for. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, which only made the task that much harder.

Scrolling down, I saw several affiliated links, one of which was of the school’s newspaper.

Clicking on that, I found myself in another site with various articles, the newest appearing in front of me. Apparently, food disorders were still popular in some schools.

My eyes fell on the tags that appeared on the left side of the page, the Cullen name being repeated many times. I knew what I was doing was wrong and most definitely something I would regret later on, but who was I to resist the temptation of all temptations, curiosity?

My hand guided the mouse towards the blaring Edward Cullen link and I clicked.

SHOCKING TRUTH

Not long after the pregnancy scandal involving Tanya Denali, rumors about the father started spreading around. Tanya’s decision to keep the baby created a bigger mystery around the identity of the other soon-to-be parent. No truth was said from the mother in question and no one seemed to know for sure, though many pretended to do so. Chaos prevailed in Diamond High School, but that was nothing compared to what was about to come.

While Tanya had come forward and confessed the pregnancy issue, no one knew how and why she had decided to continue with the pregnancy. Sources told us that even adoption was not an option. As we later found out, Mrs. Denali, Tanya’s mother had more than a lot to do with all these decisions. But that was not the end of it.

Witnesses have now confirmed that after a heated argument that took place in the principal’s office, the truth was finally revealed.

Tanya Denali was raped.

The abortion after that was bound to happen and so it did. For a few days that seemed to be the end of it. No one had come forward with the identity of the rapist and no accusations were made.

Until Mrs. Denali filed charges against Edward Cullen.