I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human
6. Chapter 6
Rating 5/5 Word Count 3791 Review this Chapter
I could hear him getting closer, my frantic heartbeat echoing in my ears. My only thoughts told me to run, get away, save myself.
His voice so loud. Frantic. Needy.
Me? He needed me?
I have to get away. Run!
Again, so needy. Desperate, but steady. Steady, but anxious. Anxious, but honest.
It doesn’t matter. I have to get away.
Avoid. Ignore. Save myself.
Run. Save. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Not again. Not fucking again. These dreams are so fucked up.
I checked my alarm, still 4 am. Great. Like I needed any more shit on the big pile I had already.
I thought I was rid of these too fucking complicated dreams, but I was apparently wrong. It was the kind of dream that made enough sense while watching it, thus sending you into a frenzy, sweating, hurting, gasping, but when you actually woke up, It seemed so fucked up that you literally considered going to a shrink.
I threw back my covers and sat up because fuck it, I couldn’t breathe. Taking deep breaths, I ordered myself not to elaborate on it. A bad dream, the usual, nothing strange about it, nothing leading up to it, no one chasing after me, no one raping an innocent girl, no one impregnating anyone, no one…
There was no way around it. I was disturbed and I fucking knew it, couldn’t avoid it.
There were more articles linked to that awful announcement of Edward’s violent act. Obviously, there were denials and lack of trust towards the person who actually said it. But when the so called victim refuses to accept or condemn the accusations towards her previous boyfriend, one’s mind does tend to head towards the bad side.
Suddenly everyone just knew that Edward was that kind of a guy and they were expecting something like that to happen. Others hurried to put the blame on his adopted parents, while another bunch of people blamed his birth parents claiming it was in the blood. One week ago, I was certain, everyone was kissing his feet and hoping to be BFF with him.
But I knew there were major gaps in the story. Many things were implied, never once getting proved by anyone, no official accusations were made, and no confessions either. Just a mother’s outrage and an immediate abortion. Still, the fact that no police was involved was a glaring fact that could not be ignored. Money could do many things, but setting free a rapist with no charges or penalties against him was not one of them. Plus, if anyone was to clear Edward of all charges that would be Dr Carlise, and I could not for the life of me picture him rescuing a criminal.
This was huge. This was…too much.
And I was afraid. I had decided to be afraid. I could very well ignore it or just think clearly and be realistic enough to question all of it but I was convinced I had to stay away. Now, before it was too late.
Getting away from the Cullens was harder than I thought. Not because I was reluctant, because I wasn’t, but because Alice wouldn’t just give up. She was always there, dragging me with her, urging me to talk and so excited that it could be funny. Only it wasn’t. And the really fucked up thing was that this, this pushing me around, was exactly what I used to want, to need. There was a time when I was crying because no one around me understood or was willing to help me get what I desired- a life. I remember wishing that my friends back then would not just simply take no for an answer and force me to go out so that I could finally get over what I thought was a depressing phase. Unfortunately, no one actually saw behind my apparently successful attempts at hiding what I really wanted. Plus, as it turned out, that was not some kind of depression I was going through, it was utterly and completely me. Simple me.
So here she was, Alice, ready to do what I had been secretly seeking for so long and I didn’t want it. I was willing to throw it all away because…because I had made a decision. Stay away from the Cullens. Save myself.
I was miserable through out the day and I wasn’t even faking it. I was closed up again, withdrew myself back inside, hidden from anyone around. I wasn’t even doing it on purpose. I had mentally made up my mind and that was it. I could no longer enjoy the fun of new friends, I could not enjoy the concept of friendship. I was going through the actions automatically, like I usually did. Nothing lingered, nothing remained. It was the method of pushing people away with actions, better yet, with the lack of actions that I had perfected through time. It was natural, completely expected, like it had been rehearsed. I stopped listening, comprehending, feeling, living. Just like before. Only this time I did feel something.
I felt weak. Pathetic. And in consequence, angry.
Why the fuck now?
Lunch time had crept upon me and I felt too shitty to actually eat. What pissed me off even more was that I was still too shy to eat in front of them, especially Edward. I always did that, back when I gave a shit or two and actually cared if people liked me. I rarely ate in front of said people because somehow it felt embarrassing when you were trying to impress someone. I always feared getting food all over my face and being the person that was laughed at. So why the fuck was I still thinking about my “impressing” anyone when I had made it clear in my mind that I was not to be any more interested?
I seriously needed to shake my head for my brain to get back in place. This guy I was still, unconsciously, trying to impress, was likely to have raped a girl, knocked her up and led her to an unfortunate abortion. The people surrounding him were very likely aware of what had possibly happened and they didn’t care. At this point, I didn’t give a fuck if there was enough evidence against him or if the accusations were sound, all I cared was that I had to get away. I was supposed to be afraid, damn it.
All this fucked up thinking was apparently evident in the way I was behaving because not just Alice, but Edward noticed. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse -
Students from the nearby tables turned to stare at me for I had yelled pretty loudly. I looked up awkwardly and saw all the Cullens staring at me like I had grown two heads. And then there was Edward, who was the reason I had yelled. Being the caring person he was trying or pretending to be, he had reached out and touched my arm to see what was bothering me. And now, as I looked into his eyes, I saw slowly but steadily the realization dawning on him.
His eyes, from curious and startled, turned into a darker shade, became angry, hateful, resigned. His hands were immediately as away from me as possible, the hand that had previously touched me, slowly turning into a fist. His whole body tensed and he squared his jaw, determined, ready to fight, strong. He cast one last look at me and then he was gathering up his things.
Alice was oblivious and yet concerned. But Jasper seemed to understand and so he nodded at her to leave him alone. And as the other tables around us continued chatting and paying us no attention, he was walking away, stiff, angry and dangerous.
And for the second time since I first saw him, he made me want to cry. I didn’t even know why. All I knew was that I had to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Away. Run. Save myself.
After I had muttered a little sad and whimpering apology, I was out the lunch room and towards the opposite direction that Edward went. I stumbled on an exit door and then I was running up the stairs, all the way up, until I was outside, on a rooftop that I had no idea existed.
The fresh air was calming but the frantic beating of my heart could not stop. I sat myself on a bench overlooking the school yard and took comfort in the fact that I was not crying, not even a single tear.
My reaction to Edward’s touch was…fuck. I couldn’t believe I had just yelled at him in front of his family and all those students. I knew deep down that I should have looked more into the stuff they had said about him. I should have asked, researched, tried to at least make sense out of it. But I wouldn’t bother because…well, because when do I bother? Why should I bother? I didn’t need them. I didn’t need anyone.
And there it was again. That feeling.
I was all about standing on my own, depending on no one, taking care of myself, that I forgot there were other people involved. The look on Edward’s face was terrifying. And I was the one who caused it. Whether the accusations were true or not, I had no right to react like that. He didn’t force himself on me, on the contrary, I had willingly sat next to him, I had willingly followed them at their table and I had willingly failed to do what I had decided to do - stay away from them. I was an asshole and I couldn’t feel any worse. The thought that now Edward was disgusted or pissed at me was nauseating and I kept wincing every time I remembered how I had reacted at his touch. And then there was this other feeling, that made me even more confused. Should I feel guilty for reacting like that? Or was it just the right reaction at a rapist’s touch? Even though my mind was telling me to be afraid and stick to my decision to believe him guilty, I couldn’t help but believe me to be naïve. Since when was I the kind of girl to fall into that gossip crap? Had I no opinion whatsoever that I needed someone else’s to guide my actions? Shouldn’t I have been the one to figure this out instead of taking as a fact everything that a blogger wrote?
Before my rational side could communicate with the irrational one, I was running down the stairs to confront the truth.
Only now it was time for biology and something told me that I wouldn’t get much from Edward during class. At that point, my rational side had caught up with me and I was no longer eager to confront anything, much less the truth.
Dragging my feet I brought myself in the biology room and took my seat next to Edward’s empty chair. Mr. Banner was not in the classroom yet but I had a feeling Edward wouldn’t show up at all.
At the end of the class, with no Edward sitting next to me, I couldn’t decide whether I was relieved or disappointed.
When the final session was done with, I didn’t know why, but I really thought I would find the Cullens, or at least Alice, waiting for me outside, to at least say goodbye. They weren’t there. And as much as I wished that that would make me feel happy considering my trying all day long to push them away, I was feeling empty.
Both of their cars were gone and I was left behind to contemplate the mess I had created.
Back at home, Charlie was anything but helpful. He was telling me this story about one of his “many” police officers that got accidentally stabbed and they had to rush him to the hospital where Dr. Cullen, the God of Forks in white, had patiently remained in control and saved the poor man’s life.
When I told him that that was usually what doctors tend to do, he cast me a look mentally scolding me for being ungrateful for the God sent present that was Dr. Cullen. It really couldn’t get any worse.
I was sick and tired of replaying every single moment of today’s events and I was feeling shittier by the moment. All the woulda shoulda coulda were driving me crazy. I wouldn’t be in this mess if I wasn’t so curious about their previous lives. I shouldn’t have reacted like an idiotic girl in the middle of the lunchroom. I could have gone after him, apologized and made everything better if I wasn’t so fucking weak.
And then the bigger questions came. Did I really wish I knew nothing about Edward’s past? Would it be better if I was in the dark and then suddenly someone else or even me ended up being his victim? Could he have done such a thing as they said in that God damned blog? What kind of person would protect that kind of a criminal?
Did he or did he not?
I was restless all day long. Everything around me seemed to remind me of the fucked up situation I was in. I nearly opened my laptop and searched for more information about the incident but I talked myself out of it. This was what got me in this mess in the first place. If I hadn’t been so fucking curious none of this would have happened. And then I was mad at myself for thinking like that, for not being grateful that I found out early about him so that I could stay away. And so it went, on and on and on until I was asleep.
And it was one dreadful night.
It usually happened to me when I had something intense on my mind right before falling asleep. Whatever that was, it was running through my dreaming mind all night long. And when it was finally morning, my first thoughts would always be as incoherent as those things I had dreamt about. There were times when I was so immersed in my dreams that I would sleepwalk, open doors to look for something, sit still on my bed trying to hear odd sounds and weird things like that. In short, if my mind was troubled, so was my sleep.
So, it was expected that this night would be one of the worst.
My dreams were very similar with the last one I had, running away from a faceless guy who was desperately calling my name. All I knew was that I needed to save myself. And then suddenly I was in another place, the faceless guy sitting next to me, his head bowed down with his hands buried in his hair, pulling like he wanted to rip the hair off his head. He was agonized and yet dangerous. I knew he was crying, angry tears mixed with desperation. And then there was a girl, sad and very pregnant, sitting next to him. She kept chanting “Why did you do this to me?” and I wished she would stop. Every time she would say it, the guy’s hands would grip just a bit tighter his hair. His head was bowed but I could clearly hear the sobs and the angry oaths muttered by him. It was too painful.
I think I woke up at about 3 am but I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t get up, I stayed where I was, stubborn, and trying to get back to sleep. I tossed and turned, million thoughts, none of them pleasant, running through my mind. I finally fell back to sleep when there was no time left for me to sleep. Half an hour of peaceful sleeping and I had to get up to go to school. And this time, the pull from my bed was even stronger than usual. Every excuse I had ever thought of or used to skip school was passing through my mind. I had plenty and I knew I could pull it off with Charlie but for some reason…I had to go to school. I just had to.
I don’t think I have ever been so anxious walking through the gates of Forks high school. I had this pain in my chest, pushing and pulling, making me want to throw up and die afterwards.
I didn’t get to see the Cullens until lunch time.
And there was no Edward.
I spotted Alice first but I dared not make a move towards her. For all I knew they could be pretending I did not exist. I was in no position to be humiliated in front of the whole school. But she spotted me as well and I wished she hadn’t because I got to see that little, sad smile, reserved only for the unfortunate. I knew it would be bad but the look on her face was just depressing.
She waved me over but I hesitated. The other Cullens cast me a look and that was that. They went on with their lunch like I wasn’t there, just across the room. They didn’t look happy about it but still, they wouldn’t even look at me for more than two seconds.
I finally got back in reality when I saw Alice approaching me. Jasper cast her a worried glance but he didn’t make a move to stop her. Having no desire to be overheard by Jessica or Mike, I walked towards an empty table away from the rest and sat down. Not a minute later, Alice was sitting across from me.
And there it was again, that sad, little smile.
My eyes watered.
Jesus, even her voice was discouraging. She was trying not to make me feel bad and yet I felt worse than ever. How could she have any part in this fucked up situation I thought Edward was involved? She couldn’t hurt a fly, much less care for a rapist. What the fuck was going on?
“Hi”, I said and cursed myself for letting my voice waver like I was about to cry. I was about to cry but I wished for once it wouldn’t be so obvious.
“Look”, she started with a big sigh. And then she kind of fidgeted and mumbled incoherently. I was just glad she wasn’t comfortable with this either. I didn’t even know what “this” was. It sort of felt like she was breaking up with me but it was really my fault.
“I don’t…really want to…do this…but….” she frowned and I sensed that a lot of talk had taken place in the Cullen house last night.
“I’m sorry”, I whispered and I truly meant it. Whatever had or hadn’t happened in Alaska it was unfair that it would affect me or her or our friendship. She was the first person in a very long time that gave me what I needed, what I secretly wanted but hid because of my insecurities. She was willing to show me how to live even if she did so unconsciously. And I couldn’t have that anymore.
“No, don’t apologize”, she fiercely shook her head. “I understand”.
And by the way she looked at me just then I could tell she knew that I had found out. And that just…sickened me. Because…because if it weren’t true or if it was just a misunderstanding, she would just explain to me and I would understand, I swear, I would understand. The only reason why she would just stop being my friend would be because I had learned the truth. Oh God.
“What…why don’t you…just explain?”
Denial is a common friend of mine and it came handy just then. I refused to accept the impact of her words because…well, I didn’t know why. All I knew was that while I had unconsciously decided to believe that pile of shit of a blog yesterday and had willed myself to be afraid, today I was feeling like a coward on the brink of losing what little hope I had left.
Please deny everything and I’ll believe you.
“I’m so tired of trying to explain, Bella”, she said with a humorless chuckle that had me cringing. “I don’t want to have to explain anymore, and neither does my family. We’re just…done with it.”
But I wasn’t done with it, I wanted to scream. But I knew it was selfish. And then…I was feeling rejected all over again. I felt myself getting warm and that knowing tight feeling gripped me again. It was ridiculous, I mean, this was some serious shit going on and I was hurt because Alice, a girl I had known for a couple of weeks didn’t want to bother explaining to me her family’s past. It kind of felt like I wasn’t worth it, which was stupid, but so painful.
I had brought this on me but I couldn’t help but resent Alice a little bit for not caring enough to include me in and try to make me understand. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it must have been harsh for the whole family this whole ordeal, I was only focused on the fact that I was being pushed away with nothing so much as an explanation.
“Sure. I was just supposed to be in the dark and…and pretend like everything was ok…” My voice trembled and I couldn’t look at her. I knew the river of tears would start flowing once I cast my eyes on her so to prevent myself from further embarrassment I kept looking at my hands.
“No, Bella, that’s not what we…”
“I just thought that since you were so eager to be my friend, or so I thought, you would at least try a little bit harder to make me understand…”
“Bella, it’s not so easy. It’s really complicated and…”
“I get it, Alice”, I finally snapped at her, “I’m not stupid. What…what happened or…or didn’t happen…is…fucked up…but, you know, if you had bothered to actually talk to me about it, instead of coming here to…to push me away…I would have listened. I would have fucking listened.”
And I was telling the truth, I realized. No matter what decisions I had made, whether I was to be afraid or not, to get away from the Cullens and save myself, I was going to listen. I was going to fucking listen if she just gave me that small chance. But she didn’t.
I didn’t know what was worse, that it was very possible that Edward was actually guilty or the fact that Alice gave up on me, on us, without even trying.
I got up from the table and even though I could see her silently apologizing to me, she didn’t say anything to get me back down and I didn’t stop walking away until I was far, far away.
When the bell rang, I headed straight to biology class where I knew Edward Cullen would not be present.