I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human
8. Chapter 8
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I used to love rain. I used to really fucking cherish rain, because it reminded me of London. And I really fucking loved London. England, in general. And I’d never even been there, not once, but I absolutely adored it. The weather, the streets, the buildings, the people, the accent, oh the accent. I loved all of it and always dreamt of finally saving enough money and finding at least one friend who would join me in a visit to England.
Well, not anymore.
England was now…mail. A letter. Words. Pain. Memories. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Fuck, I was going to be late again.
The last week things had been going smoothly. And really fucking late. There hadn’t been even one morning that I had woken up on time. I was exhausted. From what? Over thinking. Even Edward called me out on that.
“What the fuck is up?”
We were doing a biology project together and I was so out of it. I kept nodding off and daydreaming about rain.
I knew why he was asking, he probably thought it had something to do with him and his…previous mess. Well, it didn’t, and I was not in the mood to discuss it, with him or with anyone.
“Right,” he rolled his eyes. I rolled mine back. He scoffed at me. I snickered.
“Fine,” he finally gave up. “But if this ends up fucked up, you only have you to blame. I’m not exactly good at this biology crap.”
“That’s a first. I thought you were great at everything.”
I was met with his raised eyebrow and an incredulous face. I was rarely, if ever, rude to him, even when I was joking. I was always so perfectly nice to him and everyone else.
“Seriously Swan, what’s going on?”
I just left.
Alice was next.
“You know you can talk to me, right?”
I ignored her.
“About anything. You know I won’t judge.”
Not now, Alice.
I got away from her as well.
That night I got back to my old semi-depressed self; stayed in the house, tucked under my blanket, laptop on my lap, junk food on my right and on my left, and a Vampire Diaries marathon running. That was my way of dealing with things. I would lose myself in the life of American television and the joys of junk food. And as per usual, my mind, on its own accord, started making up reasons for me to skip school the next day. Even if the next day was Friday and admittedly the most relaxed school day of the week, I was dreading the moment my alarm would ring and I’d have to get up yet again and put that envelope back inside a random book and stuff it in my bag.
And as my dread grew, so did my imagination which by this point had me faking a broken leg in case Charlie got all fussy and worried about my education. I kept telling myself that I would decide in the morning whether I would go or not, but my inner self knew better because my inner self always won and at that moment it did not want to go to school.
But then, just before I finally succumbed to sleep, a peculiar thought struck me: what about…the Cullens? Would they care if I skipped class? I mean, sure, they seemed to care for my company at school but would they want anything to do with me after my giving them the cold shoulder for the last couple of days? They had no obligation to me, and I was being a moron, a boring moron who had no life but the tiny ounce of it that was left, I kept it a secret like I didn’t trust them.
Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, now I was fully awake.
And since when was I so dependent on what the Cullens thought of me? And whether they wanted me to hung out with them or not? I knew them for about a month and I was acting like I would be lost without them.
Then again, if they lost interest in my pathetic self, I would be left with Jessica and the gang of idiots for company and suddenly my life had never seemed more miserable.
So when the alarm went off, I was up and getting ready without having to press the snooze button not even once. I refused to elaborate on the reasons why I just couldn’t stay away from them and put the envelope nicely back inside the Physic’s book where it would remain for God knows how long.
I didn’t understand why I was feeling so anxious when I got to school. I wasn’t that rude to Alice, and I wasn’t too cold with Edward to worry about seeing them, but I had this tight feeling in my chest and that urge to please them and be nice to them.
And then…it was clear, I was afraid I was going to lose them. And I felt like an idiot because…it had only been a week and I was acting like a drama queen in a chick flick. But my life had suddenly been filled with their presence and it was kind of interesting. I may still have remained boring, but things were changing and new people had entered my life, people who seemed to be interesting and peculiarly seemed to have an interest in me. I was fucking scared it would all go away because I was a depressed loner who couldn’t find it in herself to form an attachment with some people other than the fictional ones she read in books.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out to Alice when I saw her in the parking lot.
Edward and Jasper were walking toward us but they were far enough so I could talk to Alice without being heard by them.
“For what?” She asked, surprised.
“For being such a creep the last couple of days. And for walking out on you yesterday,” I apologized.
She got that sympathetic, bordering on pity, look on her face and she almost made me regret saying anything at all. That feeling of embarrassment rushed over me, like it did every time I let out too much of what I was thinking or feeling. Hell, I even felt that way every time I apologized and that was not a regular kind of thing.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I was just worried about you.”
And there it was again, that feeling of…uncomfortable nearness… I did not know what the fuck it was but I was fairly certain I had some serious mental issues.
“I know…Don’t be. You’re not the only one who’s moved here recently, remember? My life back where I used to live wasn’t exactly perfect.”
And that was all Alice would get out of me about my previous life, at least for that day.
By that time, Edward and Jasper had reached up to us.
“Hey! Where’s Emmett and Rosalie?” I asked suddenly because just then did I realize they were missing.
“What? Aren’t we good enough for you?”
And oh, he was…teasing me. And I was so utterly - ridiculously for no fucking reason - happy that he was not mad at me or even slightly frustrated with me. And I had plenty witty and sarcastic remarks to reply to him but I was overcome by the need to just smile at him. And I fucking did, teeth all out and a heart beating like a drum roll. What the fuck was that about?
And did he seem…relieved?
“So, Bella,” Jasper interrupted and I looked over to see him smiling at me, “will you come to the party?”
“Of course she will!” Alice chirped by his side making me frown. Happy or not with my current mood, I had a long way before I would start being excited about parties. And actually going to them. I remembered back in Phoenix every time I would falsely believe that this night out would be different and I would finally go to a party or a club or something with booze and dancing and random hook ups of my friends with strangers while I sat on the couch and daydreamed of how life would be if I were prettier, skinnier and just more interesting, I always, always, ended up regretting it. Or getting ass drunk and regretting it. I could safely say that the ass drunk thing happened way more often than the lonely girl sitting on a couch. I had discovered just how happy and oblivious booze could make me in perfect timing.
“But Alice…I don’t know…I don’t really want to…I don‘t even know who’s throwing it…”
“Come on, Bella, we’re all going. A kid from that school in La Push is throwing the party and he’s invited every one from both his school and ours. Even if half of each school appear, it’s going to be a hell of a party.”
“But, I don’t know him and…”
“Who cares? We’re going for the music and the booze. We’re going to have so much fun!” She actually squealed that sentence.
“No buts, Bella.”
“Alice, don’t pressure her. If she doesn’t want to come, you can’t force her…” Edward stepped in.
“Shush, little Eddie. Why don’t you let the women take care of this one, eh? Run along now, and call Emmett. If he misses another class, Esme will box his ears!”
And with a rather dramatic eye roll, Edward walked away from us and probably towards the classroom, with Jasper following slowly, with an amused smile on his face, behind him.
And I was left with Alice who had a pretty fucking strong hold on my hand for such a little girl, taking me to my locker. And when we reached it, she jumped in front of me and looked at me with so much seriousness that I wanted to laugh.
“Ok, seriously now, if you don’t want to go, I won’t force you, but I’d really, really, really like you to come,” she finished and stuck that bottom lip out just in case.
I was impressed.
“Why couldn’t you tell me so in front of them…” I started, curious.
“Because, I’m the bossy little sister who gets her way no matter what. I may be nicer than that and actually care what my friends think and do and respect their wishes, but they don’t need to know. They’re my siblings, I will be bossy and I will get what I want. They, unlike you, do not have a choice. And I can’t have them going about thinking that they could just talk me out of whatever I have set my mind up to.” She grinned and I laughed. She was truly one of a kind.
“Um, ok, listen, Alice…I don’t really do parties…I just…don’t have fun…” I trailed off.
“But you’ll be with us! It’ll be like going out for coffee only we’ll be drinking beer,” she explained with an incredulous look on her face like it was common sense. I rolled my eyes at her.
“Yes, but in my experience, things get a bit more…how should I put it…loose in parties. Before you know it, Rosalie and Emmett will be dry humping on the couch, you and Jasper will be off to find some privacy for your…intimate…exercises,” she laughed at me and I laughed at me as well, embarrassed, because really, who says intimate exercises? “And then Edward will probably find someone else to hook up with or at the very least grind with her while dancing to 50 Cent’s playing and I’ll be left regretting ever going to the party.”
She looked at me like I was crazy. “What kind of parties did you guys throw in Phoenix?”
“Trust me, Alice. This won’t be any different,” I assured her.
“But it will be, Bella, because we don’t do parties like that either. We usually hang out together, dance a little and make fun of all the drunk people making an ass of themselves.”
Ouch…I cringed a little.
“Well, the thing is, Alice…”, I trailed off and looked at her confused face, “I kind of drink, too.”
She seemed to understand what I meant, or I thought she did, because her face suddenly glowed.
“Oh, so you do like to drink, eh?” She said, a smile slowly spreading over her face.
“Why are you happy? You just said you like to make fun of people who get drunk and trust me Alice, I am no fun when I’m this drunk,” I explained.
“Oh, I’m not so sure about that,” she said knowingly and I fucking hated that tone.
“What? Why…why would you say that? And do you want to make fun of me? What the hell?” I asked confused.
“No, Bella. It’s just that you’re…”, she looked at me to see If I was offended, “you’re always so serious, you just never…let loose and actually have fun, you know? You’re always so concerned about other people that you forget about what’s really important, you. So, come with us and have fun, drunk or sober, whatever you choose,” she finished with a cheeky smile and I couldn’t help but laugh as well.
Truthfully, she had been dead right when she said I never let loose. I didn’t really do it by choice, but I had to try really fucking hard to actually stop thinking about everything and everyone. And that by definition was the exact opposite of letting loose.
Still, I wasn’t in the mood for a party. I wasn’t in the mood to drink or even hung out with my friends. My mind was constantly drifting back to the letter and to a past that was really fucked up and I was almost certainly going to be boring and unpleasant, ruining the night for everyone.
But there Alice was, eyes identical to a kitten, bottom lip stuck out and worried about me enough to try and help me with my problems. If I was the kind of person who showed their feelings openly, I would definitely hug her, maybe even cry a little. But I was not like that, I couldn’t hug someone just because and I would never cry in front of other people, at least not when I was sober. So I settled for the next best thing.
“I’m not sure yet, but I will definitely keep an open mind while thinking about it.”
She probably knew me well enough to know just how opposite I was to these kind of things, because she smiled a brilliant smile at me and jumped a little excitedly. And then, because she just is that kind of person, she hugged me, really fucking tightly. And I had an awkward kind of moment when I just didn’t know what to do, so I put my hands around her, patted her a little on the back but before I could actually do something she had pulled back her arms and was chatting happily about the party and about what she was going to wear. I dozed off a little then and started thinking about rain only to get back on Alice when she mentioned something about shopping.
Letter. Letter. Letter. Rain. Letter. Edward. Letter. Rain. Letter. Letter. London. Rain. Letter. Edward. Letter. Letter. Letter.
“Miss Swan!” I jumped.
Mr. Banner was looking at me with an exasperated look on his face.
“Could you tell us If the answer to this question is correct?” He demanded in a I-know-you-were-daydreaming-and-not-paying-attention-to-me tone.
Damn me if I knew what the answer was.
I almost turned to look at him but I saved it at the last minute. Edward had just whispered the answer to me.
“It is…correct, sir,” I mumbled. He did not seem impressed.
“Would you care to explain to us the reason?” He went on.
And then I looked down and there was a piece of paper in front of me and Edward’s handwriting all over it. I looked up to see if Mr. Banner had seen it but he was oblivious in his I-hate-it-when-students-daydream world. Oh what the hell.
“Because…oh,” I said, realizing that I actually knew the answer. I just hadn’t heard the question. “ Because as we know, RNA is usually single-stranded, while DNA is usually double stranded. In addition, RNA nucleotides contain ribose while DNA contains deoxyribose, and finally RNA has the base uracil rather than thymine that is present in DNA.”
And there it was, the surprised, kind of disappointed look on his face in the fact that I failed to be the student example of what happens when students didn’t pay attention to the teacher. I did feel a little guilty because I was not usually like that and always was considerate of the teachers and their efforts to teach us, but I felt better knowing that I actually knew the answer and didn’t miss out on anything.
“Very well,” and he went on his lecturing.
“Wow,” I heard Edward say and turned to look at him. “I’m impressed. I had written only half of what you said but you nailed it. You may be starting to geek-en, Bella.”
I almost laughed. “I’ve always been a geek, Edward. But it’s nice of you to notice,” I mocked.
He shook his head and smiled that crooked smile of his. One day, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back and I would lick that thing from corner to corner and…
“Thanks, though,” I said truthfully.
And damn, my thoughts were getting dirtier by the day.
“No problem,” he mumbled while writing down something Mr. Banner had said making me realize I was still not paying attention. I tried to get back on the topic but he interrupted me again.
“What had you thinking so hard?” He asked nonchalantly. I could see, however, he had stopped taking notes and had tilted his head a little so he could listen to me more carefully. And it was nice to know that he took the time to notice my face and care enough to ask me about it. What was not nice, was the fact that now I felt even more uncomfortable since I didn’t want to talk about it but it made me feel guilty since he was so nice to me and all.
“I…uh…I…It’s nothing really. Some stuff…from Phoenix.”
He looked at me then and I was prepared for a sad look or even one of pity, but his face seemed rather understanding. Well, if one could understood messes from the past that would be Edward. I just hoped he would understand that one didn’t want to talk about it either.
“Oh,” he mumbled, and he went on to taking notes of what Mr. Banner was saying.
Mr. Banner kept talking about DNA and RNA and all that crap, but my mind, even though I really tried to pay attention this time, kept drifting off to random thoughts again. Like, I would so not go shopping with Alice, if anything, I would stay home for the next month in exchange for going to the party. And I wasn’t even certain about going yet. I knew I had to do this for Alice, but I didn’t know if I was up to it. And I really didn’t want to go with my mind set on drinking too much in order to forget I was there. That was my way of dealing with those social crap things back in my old life, I was hoping to alter some things. Plus, Edward would be there and I was not ready to put myself out there like I only did when my system was filled with booze.
“Is that why you were crying the other time?”
Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I didn’t answer for a while because well, I couldn’t. I knew I could not lie to him, I didn’t want to lie him, but I also knew I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I just…I wanted to keep this to myself, to bury it and forget about it. But at the same time I wanted it to be confronted and done with, I was just too fucking scared. I knew it was going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I couldn’t open that box yet.
“It’s not…something I want to talk about,” I started but I kept going when I saw his face starting to fall, “but it has something to do with my…best friend. From Phoenix.”
And wow, I said more to him than I had said to myself about this whole thing all this time. I didn’t turn to look at him because suddenly my chest was tightening and I could hardly breath. My eyes stung and the hole in my chest was widening and my head was filled with rain. I barely heard the bell ringing before I was out of my chair and out of the classroom.
It was fucking raining.