I'm not happy and i'm not sad. I'm detached, cold and emotionless. I'm Bella Swan and i have no life. ExB All human
9. Chapter 9
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This is ridiculous. I’m pretty certain that you’re laughing your head off right now, just like I’m doing. I can’t believe I’m actually sending you a letter, a hand written letter. Who would have thought that? I wouldn’t even think it was possible any more. The only reason I’m actually doing this is because I have no MSN anymore. Or internet for that matter.
Anyway, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if Leah hadn’t brought it up. And then suddenly she decided that I just had to write a letter to you. And you know me well enough to know that while I said that I would do it, I didn’t even pick the pencil up. So that’s why I’m sitting in Leah’s office right now, writing this letter while she’s staring at me from across her desk to make sure I keep writing. It is really rather funny.
So, I was told that I should tell you all about my life here. But I’m not that mean. I know how important England is to you and how it is your dream to come and live here one day, so I won’t brag about living here in London and going to school here and listening to that favorite accent of yours every single day…Ok I just bragged a little right there, but you know you’re going to come here one day, it’s only a matter of time.
School is going the same as it used to. I’m bored out of my mind and my grades are just over the failing point. Mom is finally resigned to it and is now congratulating me for not actually failing. Speaking of mom, I think she has a new boyfriend. Now that dad or any of her relatives are not around to see, she’s not worried about gossip, so she’s showing him off to her new friends. I haven’t actually met the guy yet, but a certain respect has been earned on his behalf. I mean, he’s got to be a freaking hero if he can put up with the devil that my mom is.
Ok, so, look, this is the hard part. I had specific orders about this letter and what I should include in it and since I’m not sure if Leah will actually check it before I send it, I kind of need to say what I’m supposed to.
I’m fine. Well, not perfect, but better than I used to be. Leah is helping me a lot, at least not when she’s forcing me to write things that I would never even say out loud. Anyway, I just needed you to know that this is working. That your idea is working and that I thank you for it. I hate going all cheesy on you and I wouldn’t blame you if you thought this was a joke coming from me, but I’m grateful to have you in my life. And yes, I’m laughing right now because I would never have said that out loud, not in a million years. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t mean it. Plus, Leah is like, forcing my hand.
I should also apologize, for a lot of things. I could mention every little thing but besides from filling a number of pages, I don’t like bringing them back in mind, let alone write them down. You should know at least that I am sorry and that I do not blame you for anything. I know you blame yourself but you should stop. I know and you know you made some mistakes as well, but you thought you were helping me and now I’m finally appreciating that. I once blamed you and made you seem like the bad guy, and that’s the thing I’m most sorry for. And I’m sorry that I wrote this letter because I’m certain you’re laughing at me and my cheesiness. You’d better read this letter closely because you will never hear me talking so openly again.
And that was it. I don’t expect you to write back because well, you don’t have a therapist over your head demanding that you write down your emotions. And for that, I’m jealous of you.
I hope you’re doing fine just like you always did. Say hi to your mom and dad for me and thank them as well. They were better parents to me than mine will ever be.
I’m counting on your will to fulfill your dream of coming to England so you can come and visit me at some point. You don’t have to, but it’d be nice to see a familiar face with a normal fucking accent. (Sorry, I just don’t love them like you do)
PS: I’m so picturing you laughing at the fact that I sent you a hand-written letter.