My last breath
Set after Edwards return in New Moon. Bella dosn't react well to Edwards sudden arrival, but can she keep herself away from him? No, obviously not. Can Edward keep himself with Bella? If it's to save her life, of course. Who's Leon?
1. Chapter 1
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Authors Note..... So, here is chapter one. Hmmm, so it’s basically what might've happened if Bella maybe put her foot down a little bit when Edward did return from the Volturi in New Moon. I guess it's going to involve some good old fashioned wooing, angst and basically them falling in love again.
I love Stephenie Meyer, don't get me wrong, but I would have preferred if Bella had held out a little bit when Edward returned home. I know, I know, I love Bella as much as the next Twilight fan but I’m not sure if they’ll get back together so easily in my edition.
Of course, all characters are Stephenie Meyers, the lucky yoke, everything else is thanks to numerous cups of sweet tea.
Oh, and if I could be so bold as to ask, please review this. If it’s not any good I won't bother posting them. That'd be just plain silly Oh and if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to share.
Soooo, lets get started, the following takes place the morning after they return home from Italy in Bella's bedroom.
Chapter One What happens when the heart just stops?
'You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course, if you outgrew me if you wanted something more, I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me.'
'Oh, Edward,' I sighed. This was going to be difficult. But I owed it to myself. I loved him, but when something as complicated as your heart broke, it just couldn't be fixed so easily.
'Bella’, he gasped, the sudden realisation sinking in that maybe he was right. He stared intently, waiting for me to explain.
'You broke my heart Edward. I know that hurts you but its true. It sounds so clichéd Edward, but it's true. I'm broken. I'm so sorry. I’m so glad we’re alive, and together but….this isn’t what I want.' The words choked themselves deep from my throat. But they were from my heart. I loved him, and I would until the day I died. Tightness built up inside my chest and my heart throbbed. Nothing would ever be the same. He promised me. I blushed furiously and my eyes stung with heavy tears.
'I haven't outgrown you. That's not possible. It's just Edward...Maybe in time. When...Oh god...I don't know. I mean, you went to Italy because of me. You thought I.....Edward....I really want nothing more than to be with you. To say everything is ok, but its not. Its just so messed up.'
But I love him. I love him. I love him.
I pulled my legs to my chest and turned away from him holding my fragile body together. I pulled my duvet around me so only my head was left visible. My deadened world that surrounded me the past few months had suddenly come alive. Feeling overwhelmed, I pulled the duvet tighter. That felt better, I was protected. That was the problem; I had learnt how to protect myself these past few months. In my own clumsy Bella way. Instinctively I didn't give up and now that same instinct that saved me from myself. I wouldn't let myself trust him again so easily. I loved him, but my outlook had changed. He had hurt me in the worst imaginable way- he broke my heart.I took a deep breath and focused. I had to find the strength to do this. All I ever wanted was him and he left me. He promised he wouldn't, but he did. Not only that, but those months, the darkest of my 17 years, were dangerous and terrifying. That darkness had seeped into my soul. The word catatonic springs to mind.But seeing him, hearing him now I felt whole, better, almost myself again. However, it didn't ease the pain I felt. It would be so easy to forget but I just couldn't let it go. He promised. So apparently he did love me, I didn't imagine him. That would be enough for now, knowing he did care. I was satisfied. But I couldn't manage anymore than that yet. Being held in his cool hard arms was so heavenly, but all I could bear was friendship. Heaven is great and all, but its an awfully long way down and I was sick of falling.
The intensity of this moment radiated from his hand. He brushed my fingers lightly as we sat in silence, enveloped in our own thoughts. What was he thinking? I need him in my life, but, I wasn't sure in what capacity. After the Voltuire I was just happy the Cullen's were all safe, alive. I love him, always would.
I need you Edward.
'I understand Bella.'His voice grew colder and a little grunt escaped from deep in his throat. Was he feigning nonchalance? Did he think that would help? Or did he really feel it? Was he going to skip back to his distractions? He took his hand away, pulling threads from the edges of my purple comforter and flicked them carelessly onto my bedroom floor. Before, I'd have to turn away and hide my traitorous tears. Now, I wanted him to see the damage he'd done. The mess he had left that I was forced to clean up alone. Charlie did his best, but I was a wreck.
'You don't get to behave this way towards me Edward Cullen. I know this hurts you but it's the truth. You left me, this is what I've become. I can't...click my fingers...I can't. You left me', I said piercingly. The look of shock on his face was astounding. Did he really think I didn't care about us anymore? I did. I just needed to take my time with this. If we became Edward and Bella again, the way it should be, I wanted it to be forever. Not riddled with insecurity and anger. I just wasn't sure if we could. I wasn't sure who I was anymore, these past few months, I'd gotten a little lost.....to put it mildly.What I thought was weakness on the journey home really was exhaustion after enduring such extreme emotions, such experiences. A shattering, heart wrenching experience. Albeit experience.
Above our fireplace at home Renee had a framed picture. Some scipt on it read, 'Suffering leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to strength'. I saw how low my life could get, surviving one day at a time. I suffered intolerable pain that never eased. Now that I knew everything that hurt me was a lie, I felt a mismatch of emotions. Elation, love, understanding and anger. These all combined to give me a new sense of myself, a stronger self. Fine I was still as clumsy as ever, but maybe that dumb picture was right. I was strong enough to do this now, to protect myself for once.
I stole a look at his face. My chest ached. My arms ached and I cringed inward. I hated seeing his grief, his eyes glazing over and his lips hanging loose. Even though everything made sense now, he still left me. I had to convince myself...I never deserved to be left like that. No matter what. He lied to me and that was the crux of it. I pulled myself together. He promised he wouldn't leave me.
'Right. Well of course, I’ll respect your decision. Just, I’m sorry Bella., please know that.’ His eyes gave him away, there was something more to say.
He wasn’t finished yet. Oh what have I done to my angel.
‘Bella. I just. I just thought, once you knew, if you still loved me. I thought you might.'His voice and confidence drifted off and I felt cruel. His deep black eyes flickered attempting to understand the situation. He grew hesitant, his arms twitching sporadically as if he was attempting to plan his means of departure. I wanted to apologise, to ease his pain but I couldn't let myself. I owed him nothing. This was a miniscule fraction of my pain. Even this showed how hardened I had become. I regretted his pain, but I wouldn’t stop it. Not yet anyhow.
'Bella, I'm sorry but I need to know. It really is none of my business now but, is this about Jacob Black?'
'No Edward, we're just close friends. He is a good friend, he's a pretty cool kid.' I mused. Jacob had been there for me when Edward left me in a heaving mess in Forks, a town so small everyone knows your business. Even something as trivial as a high school romance gone sour was fodder for the women of this town. I never cared, liking to keep to myself, but still, it added another dimension to my suffering. That is the fact that it felt almost like public property. Every Friday Mike would ask was I coming to work the next day. His mother, the store owner obviously needed reassurance.
A smile crept across Edwards stiffened face, as if he found something equally laughable and maddening.'Cool? As in reckless??' Edward retorted in a mocking laugh.
'No, as in fun. He spent most of his time these past few months helping to cheer me up. What's your point?' I tried not to sound too harsh, but I felt somewhat protective of Jacob. He would never be my Edward, but still, I owed him my loyalty. Edward really seemed to dislike him. Given the situation surely he should've been trying to sedate me rather than rattle cages by scoffing at what I’d done to get by in these past few months.
'I know, given recent events, this probably won't go down too well, but, please my Bella, can you make me one promise' My Bella, the very sound of that in his honey toned voice made my body shiver. I hoped he wouldn't notice. But of course he did. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and was sure Edward had noticed it. Damn. He gave me his crooked smile, with sadness still emanating from his eyes. I knew I couldn’t do this, he was my Edward. I, his Bella.
We were equally but oppositely obsessed.
'Please Bella, no more ridiculous stunts with the wolf. If you want me to back off, I need your word on that. I'm not going anywhere. When I say I love you I mean just that. I know I have to prove it to you, and I'll be here until I do. I have not been a very good man but I think there's hope for us if I'm not terribly mistaken. So, I'll be at your side whenever you need me, for whatever you want me for. You just have to ask. But, you see, in the interest of your privacy, I guess I can't follow you as much anymore. So try and stop playing with those dogs. Please?'
'Bella, you know I meant no offence. It's an old habit. This is difficult for me too you know. I mean I leave for you, I mess up. I come home to you and....and well I've been updated on your little collection of tricks with fido. Alice didn't want to show me. I mean Bella. God, Bella. Motorcycles. Really?'
'Dogs? Tricks?.....Fido? Edward?'
'Well yes, but Bella..'
'Edward.' I cringed. Who is this man? Did I turn into an idiot and romanticise everything when he left? Was he always like this? I knew vampires and the werewolves didn’t get along, but insulting him like that, in front of me of all people.
'Edward', I attempted again, 'I would never leave you, and even if, for some ridiculously stupid reason I did, I would never poke fun at how you managed to pull yourself through. You'll never know how difficult it is to hear from the person who you love, tell you they don't want you. That they have other distractions waiting for them. So, get the hell out of my room. You don't get to judge me on how I fixed what you broke.'
His face fell and he thought deep and hard about his next words. I waited as he pinched that space between his eyes. I missed these things, the little things that mean everything when you're in love. He was trying, but too much had happened. I had changed.
'Bella, my Bella. I understand you're beyond hurt. But love, I did this for you. Can't you see that? Everything I have ever done since the first day I met you has been for you. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm so sorry. Bella, I'm so sorry.'
'Edward, please just leave. Please. Listen I'll see you in school ok. Just please. Go.' I said with closed eyes as my voice began to break, betraying me.
These were words I didn't want to say, but I knew I needed to. I felt confused and hurt and way too emotional to make this decision. I needed time.
'Go?' He asked whilst sitting perfectly still for a moment, staring me dead in the eye. I was still too confused to know what I wanted and so my expression was blank. I kept my eyes closed, I didn’t need to see his face I didn’t need to see that pain inflicted upon him. I had done the unimaginable asking him to leave. Had I ever even hinted at a love that wasn’t completely and utterly whole? I think it took him a second to read this.
After our time apart, being together felt so right, but, for me, it pulled up a torrent of emotions I just wasn't prepared for. He whispered something and in a light gust of wind he was gone. The curtains billowing by the window was the only evidence of his escape route. Then I was left alone with the one question I had been avoiding all night, could I possibly bring myself to fall in love with him all over again? I don't think he could even begin to imagine the pain his leaving caused. I mean, months, no phone call, no postcard, no contact. He left nothing to remind me of him. Nothing. Learning he acted so cruelly for my own good eased the ache. I nodded slowly. He was right. He did everything he could for me, he loved me. The problem I faced now was, I knew, from experience, despite Edwards' good intentions I somehow always got hurt.
But I love him.