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The rise and fall of Edward Cullen.

Summary:
I was bored. A random little one-shot about the world that is Twilight.


Notes:
I put loads of random pictures that i thought fitted in. :) Also, i wrote this for two reasons. 1) i was bored 2) someone said about my story Prisoner that it was like a dementer had re-written it. so i decided to write something funny.


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 687   Review this Chapter

(Lights come up on girl kneeling before a shrine holding three books)

I am in love with a fictional character. I am in love with a fictional character. I am going insane. I am a nutter. I have a breakdown if my books are removed from my shrine.

fiction

How did I get here?

It all began with one person. An author. Stephanie Meyer. DUN DUN DAH! (Dramatic music). She created a creature of unimaginable power. Its beauty was unmatchable.

It was (looks left, looks right, looks back to the front) Edward Cullen! Girls swoon at the very sight of him as he strides forward with his bronze hair shining in the sun. But this creation was no normal human. He was (wait for it. Wait for it) a vampire.

And she couldn’t control him no matter how hard she tried. He escaped from her mind and spread himself over a series of books that would become the most worshipped books in the world. The Twilight series. And he went on from these books to slip into girls hearts. Huge temples were erected to these books bearing giant statues of him. All who saw him loved him. But this wasn’t enough for Edward. He created a movie, websites, t-shirts and posters. Stephanie’s dream of Edward and his girlfriend Bella had spiralled out of control.

Edward

A new disease was born. Highly infectious. A textually transmitted disease called Twilight Fever. Then another sprung up Obsessive Cullen Disorder.

Disease

A religion was established. Cullenism.

Cullenism

The parents of the sufferers were horrified. They ordered the books to be destroyed. The Twilightians fought to protect their property. They hid their posters and books. The parents decided to go to the source…

Edward Cullen himself.

“How can you do this to our children? Our young girls hyperventilate whenever you are mentioned”

“I didn’t ask to become a celebrity. I will let you know the secret of my power. It is…AWESOMENESS. People go blind at the mere sight of my awesomeness and attractiveness. I am the bomb,” he said modestly (lol). Then he removed his super cool sunglasses and looked at the parents. The mum’s swooned (attractiveness at work) and the dads yelled in pain as the awesomeness burned their eyes.

“I must go. Japan isn’t finishing their temple quick enough” he left for Japan in his super cool Volvo.

Then the enemies of Twilightian found out something horrible. Something shocking. There were more of them. Edward Cullen was not the first to be created. Miss Meyer had created three others. Their names?

Jasper

Emmett

Carlisle

Rosalie

Alice

Edward had removed them from Miss Meyer and they were taking over the world. (The others were not evil. None of them were. They just did it because they were bored of doing whatever vampires do in their free time) MWHAHAHA! Nothing could stop them. Except…

Werewolves. A small band of rebels went to Miss Meyer’s lab and created some creatures of their own. They created the La Push wolf pack. Yes. I said it. Consisting of:

Sam

Leah

Jacob

Quil

Embry

Jared

Paul.

None were as strong as the vampires. They needed help. Miss Meyer re-wrote the Twilight series to include the werewolves. This brought strife between the Twilightians. They fell in love with other characters then the addictive Edward Cullen. Soon three groups of Twilightians had formed.

Team Vampire-motto: Because wolves don’t sparkle. e

Team Werewolf-motto: who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Wolf

Team Switzerland-motto…oh I can’t be bothered with this. Hot and cold

The Team Werewolf were devoted followers of Jacob Black. The Team Vampires formed mini teams. Jasper. Edward, Carlisle (weirdos) and the Other one (I’m team Edward or team Jasper. I don’t care about Emmett). But Edward Cullen lost power. The temples were destroyed. Miss Meyer managed to capture him in his book but allowed him to keep his franchise (as long as he never tried to take of the world again).

But how did I get here? The other Twilightians may have forgotten. But I continue to remind us of our true purpose. Worshipping The Twilight Series. It doesn’t matter about wolves or vampires. We are Twilightians! When Edward regains his freedom, he will praise the true believers. All of you non-believers…better watch out.

eclipse

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Manic laughter as lights goes down on girl)

Bob