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Everchanging Destiny

Summary:
Bella and Edward continue their relationship as a vampire and a human. This story takes place after Breaking Dawn but not as you would expect it to. There are the usual threats of other vampires trying to get to Bella and ruin the Cullen family.


Notes:


13. Chapter 13: Insecure

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Chapter 13: Insecure

Edward and I broke off from the rest of the family and he ran me home. I was a mess so I was glad to see that Charlie’s car was not there. I was also surprised to see my truck sitting in the driveway. Edward or Alice must have picked it up from the trails for me.

When we got inside I immediately grabbed some clothes and headed for the shower. I was sure Edward had enough of the wolf smell. When I returned he was sitting on the bed. He had a turkey sandwich and Coke in his hands.

“I thought you might be hungry. When was the last time you had something to eat?” I couldn’t believe just a little while ago I thought I would never see him again. It made him look twice as beautiful if that was even possible.

“I don’t remember.”

“That’s what I thought.”

He handed me the plate and the coke. I set them down on the desk and went to sit on his lap. I could eat later; right now I needed to be in his arms more than I needed anything else. I put my arms around his neck and tucked my face into his chest, soaking up his sweet scent.

He threw his arms tightly around me and repeatedly kissed my head. We sat there holding each other, not saying anything. It was a perfect moment.

He picked me up and sat me up against the pillows on my bed. “Bella, you need to eat something Sweetheart.” In a flash he was sitting beside me with the sandwich and coke in hand again. I wanted to argue with him and crawl back in his arms but I was starving.

I started shoveling down the sandwich like I hadn’t eaten in weeks. Edward had his arm around my shoulders, twirling a strand of my hair in his fingers. He looked like he was a thousand miles away.

I put my hand over my mouth as I was still trying to chew a piece of sandwich down, “Edward, what are you thinking about?” I was terrified he had finally had enough of me. How much more of my stupidity was he going to put up with? How much more would he put himself through?

He didn’t respond.

“Edward?”

He seemed to come back to reality, “Yes?”

I sat my plate down as I had already inhaled the whole sandwich. I sat up and grabbed his hand which gave me a chill as it often did. He grabbed the afghan folded at the end of the bed and wrapped it around me.

“What is it Sweetheart?”

“I…I just wanted to say I am sorry again. I don’t know what happened but I will never forgive myself for putting you in the situation you were in. If anything would have happened to you I...I don’t know what I would…”

“Bella,” he interrupted, “there is no need to think about what ifs now. Nothing happened to me. I am fine, I am here. I told you before there is no need for you to apologize. Going to La Push was my decision, not yours.”

“Yeah but Edward, you could have died! You could have died and it would have been my fault! You should hate me right now!”

Annoyance took over his expression, “Bella, don’t be ridiculous. I could never hate you.” He pointed his face up to the ceiling and shook his head with his eyes closed.

“I am just saying, I would understand if you did. I have put you and your family in so much danger and have caused so many problems that, well, I wouldn’t blame you.”

He quickly dropped his face from the ceiling and looked down at our interlocked hands resting on the bed, his chin against his chest, sighing so heavily that I almost believed for a minute that he actually really breathed like a normal human.

“Bella, every time you have been in danger it has been my fault, not yours. You would be living a normal, human life; free of vampires, wolves and everything else if it weren’t for me. Please quit blaming yourself.”

We sat in silence again. I didn’t agree with him but I didn’t want to alienate him anymore than I already had so I left it alone.

Edward spoke first, “Bella, I never got a chance to hear the whole story of what happened Saturday. Would you mind filling me in or would you rather wait until later, after you have had a chance to nap. You must be exhausted.” He slowly pulled me towards him, pushing my head down on his chest.

“No, I am ok. What do you want to know?”

“I want to hear everything. I want to hear about your day from the minute you woke up until the minute I saw you in La Push.”

I started going through the events of the day, trying to give him every mundane detail I could remember. I got to the point where I saw him and Megan, which made his arms tighten and cringe around me, and then I couldn’t really remember much more. I practically lost the block of time from seeing him to when Alice and Jasper found me and brought me to their house. Edward didn’t say a word the whole time. He just intensely concentrated on every word I said.

“Hmmm,” was all he said at first when I finished, he still looked deep in thought. “And then you called Jacob.”

“Yes. Edward, I only called him because I knew that if I stayed at your house they would have called you and you would have no choice but to come back. I just couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you after what I saw.”

“What you thought you saw,” he corrected with the eyebrow lift.

“Yes, what I thought I saw.”

Edward suddenly threw me over his shoulder, ran me downstairs and flipped the TV on. He had us both sitting on the couch before I even heard the police cruiser pull into the driveway.

“Hey Bells!” Charlie yelled as he entered the door. “How was the bonfire?” He walked into the living room proudly holding a package that I was sure contained the fish he caught with Billy today. “Oh, hey Edward, I didn’t know you were here. I didn’t see your car.”

“Hi Charlie, Alice actually dropped me off.”

“Well, I hope you are hungry. I have here some of the best trout in the state of Washington, plenty of it to.”

“That is very thoughtful of you Charlie but we actually just had some sandwiches.” Edward sounded sincere.

“Oh..Ok…well, your loss,” he was disappointed.

“Let me cook some of that for you, Dad.” I went and took it out of his hand and walked to the kitchen.

“Harry Clearwater’s fish fry is in the cabinet there Bells. I already cleaned the fish so it is ready to go.”

“Thanks Dad but no fried foods, remember?”

“C’mon Bells!”

“It will be just as good baked in the oven with some lemon.”

He shook his head defeated and went to take a shower.

Edward came in the kitchen and sat in the chair furthest away from me while I cooked. He didn’t say anything but had that far away look on his face again.

“Edward?”

“Yes?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“I am just trying to figure out what could have happened up in the meadow to make you think you saw me.”

“According to you it was just me being a klutz again.”

He chuckled, “Yes, well with you it is always the first thing to come to mind.”

“Ha, Ha.”

He laughed at my sarcasm.

“So, are you having any luck?”

“Unfortunately no,” he said, brows furrowed, slighty aggravated with himself.

“Edward, do you mind if I ask you something?”

“I never do.”

“Well, there is one thing that has been bugging me about yesterday.”

“Only one? Several things have been bugging me.” There was mild sarcasm in his response.

“You told me yesterday that your family wasn’t going to come to La Push to help you. I wanted to know why you told me that and let me believe that you were going to…well, that you weren’t going to make it.” I could feel the pained look come sweep over my face.

The next thing I knew he had his arms around me and turned me around from facing the stove to looking at him. “Bella, you don’t think I was lying to you do you? You couldn’t think I would put you through that pain for no reason?”

Before I had a chance to respond he dropped his arms from me and was back sitting in his chair before I could finish.

He shook his head, “Wow. It is amazing how little you think of me sometimes. Bella, what I told you was the truth. I told them not to come and made them promise me they wouldn’t. I had no idea they were going to go back on their word until I heard their thoughts when they were on their way.” He shook his head again.

I turned off the oven and went and sat on his lap. He refused to look at me so I grabbed his face with my hand and he begrudgingly turned to look at me.

“I’m sorry Edward. I do believe you. I was just wondering. I don’t have the advantage of seeing what you do so I didn’t know that they just decided to come on their own. I just wanted to ask the question, not accuse you of not telling the truth.”

He looked at me skeptically for a minute then gave me a half-hearted smile. “I’m sorry too. I guess I am a little oversensitive about some things right now. I have a lot on my mind.”

Edward lifted me off his lap right before I heard Charlie come down the stairs. He sat down at the table and I served him his fish. Even though it wasn’t fried he had a smile on his face like a hunter who just brought home their bounty to feed the family. He rubbed his hands together and dug in.

“Umm….Umm! Are you sure you two don’t want any? You don’t know what you are missing?”

“Maybe tomorrow Dad. Right now I am going to give Edward a ride home.”

Edward shot me a surprised look.

“And dad, I am pretty tired so would you mind if I just spent the night with Alice tonight?”

I saw Edward try to restrain a laugh before Charlie replied.

Charlie’s face turned red but it wasn’t the usual angry red, but an embarrassed red, “Um Bells, you are an adult and…well, you and Edward are old enough and getting married in a couple of months… You don’t need to use Alice…I mean…I understand that… well, you don’t have to get my permission to stay out. I will just appreciate you letting me know where you will be. We still have those unsolved murders and I want to know you are safe.”

I was the one who was embarrassed now. I could feel my face turning 10 shades of red. “Um…ok… thanks. I will be home after school tomorrow.” I couldn’t get out of that kitchen and awkward conversation soon enough.

I went upstairs to gather my books and clothes for tomorrow and followed Edward out to the truck.

“Bella, what are we doing? You should be resting.”

“I will rest at your house Edward. Right now I need to go apologize to your family.”

“Sweetheart, that is unnecessary. You don’t owe them an apology. Let’s just get you upstairs and into bed.”

“No, we are going.” I started to unlock the driver’s side door when he grabbed the keys from my hand.

“Fine, but you are too tired to drive." He shook his head as he walked me to the passenger side. “Stubborn, stubborn girl.”

Edward starting laughing to himself as we were driving.

“What’s so funny?”

“Your conversation with Charlie. I couldn’t wait to see your expression.”

“Yeah, that was… unexpected.” I could only imagine what Charlie was thinking about Edward and I. I am sure Edward heard more than Charlie was able to spit out.

“Not so unexpected. What did you think he was going to say when you told him you were staying at my house tonight? You usually don’t stay there unless I am gone “camping” and not in the house. That wasn’t the case tonight. He knew I would be there.”

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about that. Maybe I am tired.”

“Of course you are. You have been through quite an ordeal the past couple of days.”

“So have you,” I put my hand on his knee.

“Yes.” He took his hand off the wheel and put it on top of mine.

Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmitt, Alice and Jasper were all sitting in the living room and appeared to be in the middle of an intense conversation. When they saw us come in, Alice, Esme and Carlisle stood up. Alice came running over to me and gave me a hug. “Bella! I am so happy to see you are feeling better.” Well, including Edward, that was two Cullens down who don’t seem to be mad at me.

Carlisle and Esme were next. “Bella, are you ok? You look tired. Come, sit down,” Carlisle said in his always caring voice. Esme put her arm around me and walked me over to the couch.

Edward was still by the door hanging his coat up and then turned and stared at Rosalie angrily. “Rosalie…I swear if you…”

“You swear what Edward,” she replied as she leaped off the couch in one, quick, graceful move.

“Rosalie!” Esme shouted as if trying to keep her from saying something.

“No, I have had enough. I cannot sit here and watch you all dote over her when she could have possibly got us all killed today.” She stared at me with eyes of fury.

“Babe,” Emmitt said as he got up and rubbed her shoulder. “Calm down.”

“No Emmitt, I will not calm down! How many times are we going to have to risk our lives because Edward has a hard on for this pathetic excuse of a human.”

Edward growled and dashed across the room over to Rosalie. Emmitt in half of a heartbeat was now standing between them. Carlisle joined him a fraction of a second later. Esme and Alice were both now sitting next to me, each holding one my hands. Jasper sat in the chair across the room, not saying anything.

“Back off Edward,” Emmitt snarled.

Everyone back off,” Carlisle insisted. “Edward, please, back down son.”

Jasper must have been doing his job because Edward slowly backed away but didn’t take his eyes off of Rosalie.

Carlisle breathed a sigh of relief and walked away as well.

Rosalie glared at me again. Then stomped toward the door. “C’mon Emmitt, let’s go.”

“I’ll be right there Babe.” He walked over to me and bent down to give me a hug and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry about it Bella. She is just cranky today. I for one appreciate the opportunity to take out those mongrels. I am just sorry it didn’t get to happen.”

“Emmitt!”

“Coming dear,” he said as he waved good-bye to us.

“Well, that was interesting,” Carlisle said with a half smile. "Don’t pay any attention to Rosalie, Bella. She is just in one of her moods.”

“I am so sorry, Carlisle, all of you. I didn’t mean to…”

“We know that Bella,” Esme said and put her arm around my shoulders again.

I looked up at Edward and he was now staring at Carlisle. “I know Carlisle. That is why I fought everyone on this not happening. Not this soon.”

Carlisle nodded at Edward as if he was agreeing with him, patted him on the shoulder and walked upstairs. Esme kissed me on the cheek and followed him.

“C’mon Jasper,” Alice said happily as she danced over to him and grabbed his hand. “We’re going hunting. We will see you guys later.” Jasper nodded his head good-bye to us and they were out the door before I could blink.

Edward came and sat next to me looking very serious. I was still trying to soak in everything that just happened.

“Edward, maybe I should go.” It was the first time I had felt uncomfortable in that house since the very first time I went over there to meet his family.

“Sweetheart, you don’t need to go anywhere. You just saw that no one was mad at you, well except for Rosalie but she doesn’t count, she is always that way.”

“But she was right Edward. I do always put you in jeopardy...all of you.”

“No one believes that but you Bella.” His arms were around me in a cold embrace to comfort me.

He pulled away too soon. He grabbed both of my hands in his and gave me a sympathetic smile, “ There is something we need to talk about my love.”

I couldn’t pick up from his tone what emotion he was feeling but whenever he said we had to talk it always frightened me. If we just “talked” it would be one thing but to start off a conversation with “we need to talk” was never a good thing in my experience.

"Bella, I understand…we all understand why you did what you did yesterday, running away, going to Jacob. The pain you were feeling was real even though the reason for it wasn’t. Please know that no one is mad at you, but…”

“I know Edward. I blew it.”

“Sweetheart that is not what I am saying.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying…” he hesitated again. “I’m saying that maybe you are not ready just yet for this life Bella.”

I felt the floor drop out beneath me. He had been telling me that everything was ok but I knew it wasn’t. How could it be? I mean, for crying out loud I almost got the man killed for having a nightmare.

“Bella, say something,” he begged.

“I…I understand Edward.”

“You do?” He sounded skeptical.

“Yeah, I do.” I picked up my purse and started heading for the door. I was either to numb to cry or I didn’t have any tears left from yesterday.

“Where are you going?” He seemed stupefied.

It was hard but I turned around to look at him. “It’s ok, I really do understand why you don’t want me here anymore Edward. I know this is all my fault. I am so, so sorry, for everything.”

“Geez….why can’t I ever say anything right to you! This is exactly what I am talking about!” I was suddenly cradled in his arms and back on the couch.

“Bella, I did not mean I wanted you out of my life. You know I cannot go on without you.”

I just a stared at him bewildered.

“What I meant was, you are not ready for the change. You are not ready to live like us yet.”

“Oh.” Somehow this didn’t make me feel better.

“I don’t understand Edward. I thought we had a plan…I thought…”

“We do still have a plan my love. I just think we need to delay it a bit. You aren’t ready."

“Edward, I promise you I am ready. I know I screwed up…again, but once you change me it won’t happen anymore. I will be a stronger person then I am now.” I was trying to sound assertive but I was certain it came out as begging.

“You see Bella, this is where you are wrong. Sure, you will be physically stronger, but you will essentially still be you. Your emotions, your feelings will all still be there. If they wouldn’t be, if you still wouldn’t be the sensitive, emotional person I love more than anything in this world, I would never have agreed to change you.”

He must have seen the still confused look on my face so he continued.

“Sweetheart, when you change, you are going to be out of control. The uncontrollable thirst will just be part of it; your emotions will be 100 times as intense as well. It will take you a while, years even, to get them under control. What you did yesterday, what you always do, react to your emotions before you think things out; will be incredibly dangerous to you. Bella, being one of us means you have to think about every little thing you do. If not, you will give yourself away and people will know you are different. If you react like you did yesterday, run away whenever you are upset, it will put you in constant danger, even more so than it does now. You just need a little more time to get more emotionally secure about things before you jump into this.”

“But Edward, I won’t sleep so I won’t dream , I…I won’t fall and hit my head. Something like yesterday wouldn’t happen again.” I was still begging.

“Yes, but Bella I am not the only one in this world you love. What if something happened to Charlie, or Renee? What if we weren’t watching you for just a brief moment and you run to them, out in sunlight. Or worse, what if you run to them and end up hurting them.”

I suddenly felt ill. Would that be possible? Would I, could I hurt them? Would there be a minute when Edward and his family wouldn’t be watching me and I would lose control? No, I know I could never do that, no matter what I was.

“Edward, I can do this. Yes, I will need your help but I know I am ready to do this.”

He sighed, “Ok, let’s say for just a minute that you can do this. Bella, this isn’t the only reason why you are not ready, though it is definitely a good enough one.”

I couldn’t believe there was more. What else could there be?

“Bella, what is the main reason you want to do this?” Sadness engulfed his beautiful eyes.

“There is only one reason I want to do this Edward, to be with you forever.”

“Yes. That is the other problem Bella. Even though you may think so, you are not ready to give your life up for only me.”

“What? Edward, how…how can you even say that? You know I…you know I love you more than anything.” I was too stunned to say anything else. It was all coming out in gibberish any way.

“Shhh...calm down Sweetheart.” He placed his palms on my cheeks, “I know that you love me. I have always known. That isn’t the problem. The problem is that you doubt my love for you, you don’t trust it. This latest episode just proves that. Your dream or whatever it was wouldn’t have happened if you really believed in it, in me. Your subconscious gives you away just as much as your conscious state does.”

“I do know you love me Edward. I do. I just get insecure. You are so amazing and I am so…so…not amazing, it just scares me sometimes.”

“Exactly Bella. If you truly trusted my love, believed in it, you wouldn’t be scared. You would know I think you are the most amazing person I have ever met.”

“So what are you saying? Are you saying that this is it? That it’s over?” My heart was beating a million beats per minute, I was sure of it.

“Of course not! I just told you I couldn’t live without you! See, this is what I am talking about. Every time I make a misstep, say something wrong or try to explain something, you automatically think the worst of me and my intentions.”

“Bella, I have made a lot of mistakes to get you to this point. I deserted you when you needed me most and I have refused to be with you in a way you need me to be. This isn’t your fault and I plan on spending every moment of my existence proving my love to you. But until then, until you really know it, until you believe it in your soul, I am not going to condemn you to this life. You will not come into this world until you can come into it confident that you love me and that I love you and you feel secure.

I didn’t know what to say.

“This won’t be forever my love. You will still have your happy ending, I will give it to you, just not right now."

I knew what he was saying made perfect sense. I had been acting like a basket case lately, even more so than usual. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so insecure in my life. I was just having trouble trying to wrap my head around it. I needed a minute to think.

“Bella, your thoughts, please.”

I was finally ready to speak again, “So the wedding, are you changing your mind about that too Edward?”

He was bemused, “I had just assumed that since you didn’t want to be married to begin with, that you were only doing it so I would meet my condition of changing you; that you would want to postpone it.”

“That wasn’t the only reason I agreed to the wedding Edward.”

“Ah…I see.” He slowly shook his head. “Well, since I am changing a part of the bargain, I guess you can too. I am petrified but I will do my best to fulfill your request Bella. You don’t have to marry me first.”

“Yes, I do Edward. We agreed we are going to do this the right way and I am not going back on my word. That is unless, you don’t want to marry me anymore?”

“Of course I want to marry you Bella! Once we are married it will make it easier for me to prove my love to you. Hopefully the commitment alone will help!”

He sat there and smiled in what seemed to be some sort of stage of shock. He looked up at me, scratching his head when his eyes turned from happy to skeptical.

“Wait a minute,” he said as if he was trying to figure me out. "There is something not right going on here.”

“What are you talking about Edward?”

“No, this is much too easy. What is going on? The Bella I know would never give in this easily. What gives?” Cue the super sexy eyebrow lift.

“Nothing gives. I understand everything you said Edward and I can wait a little longer if that is what it takes to make you comfortable with having me join you. After yesterday, when I almost lost you, I am just happy to be with you in any way I can. I love you and want to marry you. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again, not even for a minute.”

He still looked skeptical for a minute but then a huge smile invaded his face. He picked me up laughing and spun me around the room. He was so happy. He thought he was getting everything he wanted. He was getting to marry me without having to worry about changing me immediately after. It made me extremely relieved he couldn’t read my mind right now. I was relieved he couldn’t tell that I was thinking once we got married, once we were committed, I knew I would be able to get him to change me, even if it meant I had to do something to make it completely necessary for him to do so.