Rosalie never phones Edward to tell him that Bella is dead, Alice has to leave Bella after coming to comfort Charlie after seing Bella die, Bella is more broken than ever, Alice knows what will happen and leaves Bella with a final promise.
Written while a storm was raging outside, is that bad luck?
1. Chapter 1
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I stare up at the ceiling of my cage, my prison, my haven. The walls in this room are yellow but they’re not painted that faded dull colour, though I expect the paint behind the sponge is as old and peeling, and as yellow, as the thick, slightly damp moulding sponge it is coated in.
I have been put in here for my own good, the door is a thick metal one, but that shouldn’t be a problem, the part that I can see is coated in sponge also. With a small square window to let in some natural light.
As I sit in the corner, I think back, as I often do, to how I got into here. And how I will get out. It is not cold in this tiny room but a shiver runs down my spine, my spine that juts out from under the sallow translucent skin of my back, and rubs against the course sponge. I look down the ugly grey sweat pants and tee shirt they have put me in, I cannot remember being dressed this morning.
So many laws I have broken to get myself discarded in here, the laws of physics, the federal law, but it is for breaking the crucial laws of sanity that I sit here, alone in my spongy room, waiting.
Jumping off a cliff. Floating, falling, twisting, writhing, flying, all pleasant memories. The water that almost took my life was a different matter altogether. Consciously, I had not been trying to kill myself. To end my pain, yes, but only temporarily. Try telling my mother or father, or anyone that. It would be impossible, they would never believe it. Not that I tried to tell them that, I planned never to tell them anything.
Looking back, I suppose that was the root of my incarceration. The beginning of my journey to the institution. The first action in a chain of events that brought me to today.
After being saved from the black waters of death by my best friend Jacob, I got home to find a familiar car parked by my house that never changed. Carlisle’s car, it turned out that it was in fact Alice not Carlise, she had seen that I would jump of the cliff, however she had not seen that I would resurface from the water.
Alice stayed for a few days we did not talk about him. Eventually she had to leave, just like he did. After being left for the second time I was broken beyond repair, it would have been possible, I believe, for me to have survived normally if only he had left. If Alice had not returned, maybe I could have led a normal life. Then again maybe not. Maybe I was always destined to end up here
My brain has shut down, it refuses to acknowledge human life. The only reason any part of me has survived is the knowledge that he is coming to get me. He is coming back.
Alice told me before she left, I’m sure she saw me being here, she saw what I would become. She told me he would be back before a year passes from the day he left, she said he would be back for my birthday. Maybe she said it so I wouldn’t kill myself for a year, but honestly what’s the point of telling me that? Keeping me alive on false hope. It seems a life time ago that she promised she would never lie to me, hope and possibly delusions will only keep me alive for one year.
Promptly after that, I shut down. Catatonic once again, except this time, it was lasting and permanent.
It took Charlie a long time to seek help from someone on the outside, Jacob and Billy came to visit, when Jake saw what had become of me he had to tell Charlie about the cliff episode. I don’t blame him, nor do I resent him, I like it here, no painful reminders. Shortly after Jake’s confession a doctor came and decided here was the best place for me.
I hardly notice the nurses any more as they dress me, feed me and tuck me into bed. I do, however hear them talking about me at night. The door to my more permanent room is thin, I hear every word. I hear when they wonder what happened to me to make me like this. Why I mumble, but never speak. They aren’t allowed to read my file.
I was not aware that I mumbled, but apparently all I say is “he’s coming back” and “he’ll be here soon.” These are the most dominant thoughts within my head and I suppose it’s not surprising that the slip out often. I haven’t spoken directly to anyone since Alice left, the last words I ever consciously said are “goodbye.” Quite fitting I think.
Catatonic is a funny state of mind to be in, literally, on occasion I find myself hysterically laughing for no reason what so ever, this does not what scares them anymore. They have grown used to it.
The hazy numbness crept back to me in the dead of night and I welcomed it like a old lover. It was a bitter sweet reunion. And it is the only familiar thing that has stayed with me since the end, though it did leave briefly, I barley remember it.
It is the fog of numbness that surrounds me that stops me from talking to anyone, I can’t hear them. I subconsciously tune them all out, no conversation holds me anymore.
Though lately I spend a lot of time in here, this is not my room. I have a permanent room, but recently, they have decided that I am a danger to myself and so I have ended up in here. Where they do not allow visitors. Not that that will stop him. I wonder how he will find me? Will he break in to rescue me, or will he come posing as a brother or unimportant relative and steal me away?
The dreams get worse as times goes on, many say that time is a healer, but that is a lie. Time intensifies the pain. I wake screaming at least five times a night. Even through the thick, heavy sleepy injections they give me each time it happens. I often feel like I have more drugs in my body then I have blood.
The haze makes me forget exactly how I got here. I remember brief flashes. The plane here with Charlie. Rennes face when she saw me. Walking in here for the first time.
And now here I am! The sunny institution, Jacksonville’s finest. It’s nice enough, I don’t really care where I am in the world. He will be here soon. Though he will come in the dark.
I am intensely aware of the clock, it rules my life. Today it will either save my life, or condemn me to a drug educed early death. Each tick of the second hand fascinates me as we creep towards the cover of night, the clock and I.
A nurse comes in, she is the familiar friendly dark haired drug nurse that comes daily and gives me another escape from my crippling pain, my lovely mind numbing pills. I have become so dependent on them this year. I didn’t know how dependant I was on them until ten days ago, when I stopped taking them. I save them in a small pile, ten should be enough to drift away with.
“Good evening Bella” Milly smiles at me. I often ignore her smile, it offends me that there are happy people in the world, but not today, today I will shock her. Because today I’m starting to remember what happiness once felt like. I look up at her, this alone widens her eyes and makes her wary of me.
I part my lips over my teeth and smile up at her. This is a fake smile, an echo of the smile I am capable of, but it has the same effect as a real one would have. I smile despite being unbearably empty. Soon I’ll be whole, one way or another. “Good evening Milly.” My voice is unfamiliar, I haven’t heard it in months. It shocks her more than it shocks me.
The tray of pills trembles in her hands, and her mouth falls open. She immediately starts to leave the room, sensing trouble. “I won’t need any medication tonight Emily, he’s coming tonight. The pills you give me to bind me to senselessness are unnecessary. Tonight I want to feel alive.”
Emily leaves the room and shouts frantically for a doctor. Does she think I am cured now? Surely not. A doctor comes and I ignore him, I do not hear his questions, I don’t feel his arms shaking me, I had a faint feeling that I should react, that I should feel something, anything, but the numbness engulfs me. He is of no interest to me. Neither is Milly, but I felt I owed her something after all the kindness she has shown me. She received my last words.
They talk as if I’m not here. And really, I’m not, I’m far, far away. In a different time, in a different place. “Should we ring her parents?”
“No, there’s no point getting their hopes up. Leave her pills here. . .”
There voices fade and appear far away from me as I tune them out. It is growing dark outside, the time is near, of my future I am certain.
I receive many visitors. But not recently, I barely recollect them, I can’t tell the difference between the variety of visitors whether it is my mum or dad. Jake or Mike. Jessica or Angela. There faces blend together into the same mask of worry, horror and fear. Mine stays frozen, in limbo. Neither happy or sad, conscious or unconscious.
Jake pretends to visit me to see how I am. He is really here to see if I will tell. Jacob and his pack, another blow to my feeble, weak block of sanity. How stupid he is, I can’t even speak. Even if I could I would never tell.
Not that the shrink hasn’t tried to make me. I blank him out and stare at the interesting patterns in his wallpaper, I find pictures that aren’t there. I do this for one hour each week.
It is pitch black outside now. My excitement is peaking, there will be and end tonight. Soon he will check in with his family, they will try to hide it from him but he will see, he will see in Alice’s mind what has happened, he will come and rescue me out of guilt and I will indulge myself in his beauty. Maybe he already knows. Alice must know that tonight is the end regardless.
I hear the bolt on the door out side shift. My stomach lurches with it, I lift my eyes up, expectant. I prepare them for heartbreaking beauty. I lift my mind from the haze, I wake myself up for his return. I feel the pain, but it is far away, unconcentrated, I don’t think on it because it will be relieved soon.
The door opens and the disappointment is heartbreaking, or it would be if I could feel my heart anymore. My face, missing its uncaring mask, drops, my eyes widen. Pain rolls off me in waves of bitterness. The hole in my chest tears open, wide open, wider than it has ever been. Hope has infected it, I feel like I’m on the brink of death the pain is so intense.
My eyes are open, free from the haze. I try desperately to shut the doors of my mind, to summon back the haze, my protective layer. But it has deserted me.
I hear the panicked voices around me, they’re so loud! It feels like they’re shouting when in reality they are talking at normal volume. Reality, a place I had never planned to return.
“Hands out Bella” I don’t have the strength to hold out my hands, nor do I have the strength to resist them. They try to stand me up, but I fall limp. All meaning and purpose has deserted me, my brain has forgotten how to command my body to stand up.
They lie me on my back and slip my hands into a jacket they have never used on me before. Desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose. They flip me over-I feel the scratchy sponge against my face- they tightly bind my hands to me, I hear the buckles click together. I am trapped in a tight embrace with myself.
After propping me against the wall they leave, the gaping hole in my chest throbbing uncontrollably all the while.
Seeing as I’m in vast amounts of pain, I decide to stretch my sanity further. I carefully extract a memory that is equal to the amount of pain I’m currently enduring. I wonder how long I can bare it before the thin strings of whatever sanity I have snap.
I pull out a memory of an uneventful night where Edward has stayed at my house. Cold arms around me. I am able to play it over once within my head before the pain has me screaming in agony. No one rushes in, they have grown used to my pained screams.
I breath without my lungs, my heart beats without my permission. As I walk in the footsteps of my past, enjoying them for what they were.
My eyes are fixed on the clock. The clock ticks my life away, each tick brings me one step closer to my death or my salvation. Each tick leads me on to a new life.
At five minutes to midnight I fall onto the spongy floor, my eyes trace the familiar ceiling and I end my day as I began it. Tomorrow my life will end, but it will not end as it began.
No one has said it, I’m glad of it, this is the furthest thing from a happy birthday. I am far from happy, and I am further than I have ever been from sanity. Charlie must have told them I don’t like attention on my birthday. Good, happiness deserted me when I deserted humanity.
I am careful to only let one tear escape the iron cage of my eyes. This tear is the last I shall ever cry, this tear is the only thing I will leave to the world. I silently dedicate my last tear to my only love. I say my goodbyes on my head. Goodbye Edward, I love you. I always will. I would write it down if my hands were free. There would be no point, he would never read it.
So instead of leaving a parting note, I leave Edward my last tear.
I ponder my fate and find it strangely ironic that I jumped off a cliff, as Esme did. I have been locked away, like Alice.
I find my mind wandering and light floods the wall beside my head, it is the weak light of the corridor. But it seems like the brightest light I have ever seen, a shadow blocks the light penetrating my room through the open door.
The shadow is the shape of a person, probably someone to check why I have been quiet for a while, or maybe to administrate a sedative. I wish for sedatives. One way to achieve them was to scream, it worked every time.
I opened my mouth and filled my imaginary lungs with stale dusty air, and for one fraction of a second I let a bloodcurdling scream rip through my mouth. Then inhumanly quickly, a cold hand covers my mouth and smothered my scream. I didn’t let myself hope, hope had left me along time ago.
A strong pair of arms tried to stand me up, but I wilted in their iron grasp. I was balanced against the soft wall and I took my first hesitant look up at the angel of death. His skin was an alabaster white, his eyes a deep undiluted golden. His hair a perfect unique bronze shade. His capable arms gripped the front of my restraining jacket and ripped it down the middle, my arms were free but they hung lifeless, like me.
My tear that I had dedicated to him still left its trail on my face and lingered on my cheek. I gave my angel a weak smile, this was all I was capable of. “I should have known it would be you Edward, you were so scared to take my soul and yet here you are. The angel of death himself, come to take me to the next life.” My angel reflected my weak smile, a deep pain trapped in his stone eyes.
“I never thought I would be able to will myself to die, I had saved up my pills so I would be able to do it tomorrow. Come Edward, let’s go, I cannot stand another moment in this world, there’s too much pain, let’s go and be together. If you are there, then it will be heaven. Please say you’ll stay”
“You’re not dead Bella” The perfection of his voice stunned me, it was a thousand times better than my hallucinations. And with that he took my hand and I jumped on his back like I did when I was alive and we sped off into the night.
“Of course not” I muttered into his cold back, inhaling his perfect scent as I had done so many times.