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The Big Hellsing: The Forks Affair.

There is a war being fought, in the gloomiest night and in the darkest shadows. From the forests of Washington to the streets of London, lives and unlives are ended as the war continues. From the Vatican's splendor to Volterra's darkened halls, the machine of war grinds on. There is a war raging between the beautiful, glittering Unstet and the savage, voracious Nosferatu. Between agents of church and the masters of immortal life. As the mightiest of the vampire hunters, the Hellsing Organization intends to be standing when the dust clears and the heads roll. Welcome to the Forks affair.

The following story is a crossover between Twilight and a manga series called Hellsing. While it is not completely nescessary, I would reccomend that you familiarize yourself with Hellsing. Just go onto youtube and look up Hellsing OVA. Beyond that, I do not own Hellsing or Twilight, or any other copywrited work that may appear in this story. This story is purely a non-profit endevor and is not meant to infringe on copyright law. And just go in and enjoy yourselves. I've got the first twenty chapters typed up. After chapter twenty, I'm open to suggestions and requests. Have fun :) Ta Master of teh Boot

3. The Vatican Offensive: Part 2

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The insane Paladin had just issued his intent, clear as crystal. The androgynous German, a person named Heinkel, spoke up next, “Ve want the money vampire”. Heinkel sounded more like a woman. She also sounded a bit more rational than her seven foot compatriot. None the less, she was just as lethal in her intent as Anderson was.

Now the Japanese nun Yumiko spoke up, she seemed to be the rational and reason behind this merry band of misfits. Her voice was reassuring as she looked strait into Bella’s eyes, “Please, just do as my companions command and nobody need leave her hurt”. Yumiko looked expectantly at Bella, as though she were excepting the girl to just pull huge bags of money out of her pockets.

Bella’s response fell far short of what Yumiko was expecting. Frankly, Bella was tired. She was tired of all manner of supernatural being who could bend steel and run at light speed but couldn’t seem to be able to mind their own fucking business. So she gave the Catholics a piece of her mind, “We don’t have the fucking money you dip-shits! We never did”. She pointed at the unholy troika who served the holy trinity, “I make minimum wage working at Newton’s sporting goods plus the odd five bucks that my dad gives me. So please, just leave me and my boyfriend alone and fuck off”!

The nun blushed at this display of rage, Heinkel stood stoic but Anderson felt that there was more damage to be done. “Dinnae take that tone me young lass, yer hardly the innocent victim ye paint yerself tae be”. Alexander Anderson reached into his long jacket; Edward’s threatening growl did not stay his hand in the least. He lingered for a moment, ready to draw his weapon, but no weapon came. Instead Anderson yanked out an official looking sheet of paper and held it at arm’s length. The paper was marked with the official seal of the Iscariot Organization: Section Thirteen.

“Isabella Marie Swan, under the authority of the Holy See and the good grace of his holiness the Pope Benedict the Twenty-sixth, ye are hereby charged with heresy, consorting with vampires, consorting with werewolves, underage drinking and fare more sinister. . .”

Heinkel and Yumiko crossed themselves at the mere thought of the terrible crime that Bella had committed.

“. . . Pre-marital sex”, Anderson listed the last one off as though Bella was guilty of trying to blow up the universe.

Bella was shocked that the Vatican cared enough about her that they compiled a warrant. What happened next shocked her more than anything before.

“Fuck you, fuck the three of you”, it was Edward. Prudish and proper Edward, who had never cursed in all the time that Bella had known him, just told the assassin priest’s to fuck off. Bella was amazed at how sexy Edward was when he swore.

Anderson bared his ivory white teeth, “I was nae talking to ye, vampire”.

“And I don’t need your permission to speak, Regenerator”. His previously gentle topaz eyes now burned with an inner fire which sought out something to burn to ashes. “What gives you people, the right to come here and judge whoever you please”?

Anderson took a step forward, a gesture remarkably similar to a bull standing off. “We are on a mission from God; we are the zealot Judas, wielding oor dagger and poisoning the evening meal. We seek to do battle wi the Seven Million, Four hundred-five thousand nine hundred and twenty six daemons o’ hell”.

“God? What does God have to do with any of this? Don’t delude yourself Father Alexander Anderson; you’re as much a soulless monster as I am. How many people have you killed in one of your regenerator’s frenzies? You, your rituals, your hocus pocus and your kangaroo trials from Rome do not impress me”. Edward squeezed his hand and made his knuckles pop, “Leave now, or you will suffer the consequences”.

Bella was back in action now and she had no intention of letting her sweet heart jump into a fight to the death. After she became a vampire, sure he could fight to the death, but only because she’d be there to fight and die with him. “Whoa, whoa hold on. If these guys want money we can give them money”. She rummaged into her pocket, finding nothing, and then moving onto the other pocket. “I have just about seventeen dollars in change, will that be enough”?

Edward’s velvety voice reached out like a calming command to her brain, “We don’t have to give these men anything Bella, they’re cowards. Hiding behind God to justify their crimes”.

For Alexander Anderson, this was the last straw. If it were up to him, he would have snuck up on the entire Cullen clan and given them a reminder that nobody can escape God’s judgment for long. “THEN MAY THE CHRISTIAN LORD GUIDE MAE HAND AGAINST YER VAMPIRE DEVILRY”!

“PREPARE TO MEET YOUR END, MUTANT”! At that instant, two things happened simultaneously. Anderson whipped two razor sharp bayonets from his sleeves and held them before his face in the shape of a cross. Edward tore a nearby stop sign out of the ground along with a hundred pounds of concrete. Edward swung the stop sigh around and the concrete flew off of the end. The flying concrete mass struck Heinkel in the chest, if not killing her then certainly putting her out of action for the foreseeable future.

Anderson paid no heed to his fallen comrade; he was fully wrapped up in the regenerator’s psychosis. All that he wanted, all that he needed was his enemy dead and buried at all costs. Then, he and his opponent charged.

Edward was like a mountain lion, sure, confident and deadly. Anderson was like a locomotive, powerful, unflinching and unstoppable. Only one man was going to walk away from this fight.

The first blows were struck. Invisible to the human eye, Anderson’s blades flew at Edward’s neck. But Edward deflected the blow with his sign. Anderson struck again and again at Edward with speed to make a striking cobra look slow. Again and again, Edward deflected the blessed blades which he knew would carve his marble skin like a roast.

Anderson’s attack was too fast, a nonstop barrage of sparks signaled where Edward only just defended himself. But there, an opening. The paladin overextended his considerable reach.


Edward struck out and shattered the Paladin’s right knee.

Anderson’s eyes bulged from their sockets, but in his present state, pain was a foreign concept that he did not understand. Without missing a beat, he drove the point of one of his shining blades into Edward’s left eye.

Edward jumped back and roared in pain. The blade was lodged deep in his brain, the optic nerve cried out in pain. But in Edward’s mind an image formed, it was the face of his beloved fiancée. For Bella, he would tear this mutant apart limb from limb. But he had to remain rational to win this fight. If he let his instincts take over, the fight would degenerate into a contest of strength, which he would surely loose.

Anderson’s knee was healed by now, for vampires were slow healers compared to him. He renewed his onslaught, as though his salvation rested upon it. First attacking with one bayonet and then pulling another from his jacket, he fought like a daemon possessed him.

This time, Anderson’s blades struck true. He broke through the boy’s defenses and slashed him across the chest and arms multiple times. This vampire was a tricky one, faster than many he had faced in the past.

Edward was losing ground to the mad paladin. His face was the very picture of insanity, sweat dripped down his face, green eyes bugged so far out they looked as if they were going to escape and the whitest grin.

Edward could hear the paladin’s thoughts. He was not wrong; he knew from the first moment that this man was mad. His thoughts flowed like a river of industrial waste, bright colorful and poisonous. “kill kill, die die, make the Cullen go to hell, kill kill die, make his woman follow suite, kill kill, die die. . .

Edward heard the bizarre sing song that sprung from the regenerator’s diseased mind and it fuelled his anger. THWACK! Edward brought the edge of the red octagon down on Anderson’s neck. The left side of Anderson’s face twitched as noxious blood oozed slowly from his severed carotid artery.

Anderson’s mind was a million miles away and right there in the middle of the battle. His hand went away and came up with half a dozen bayonets. Clenching his hand, the blessed blades looked like claws in his hand. And he swung!

Edward lunged backwards! The attack from his adversary cutting the stop sign in half and left six slashes marks on his face. Then something pulled him away from his adversary and the fight. Bella was in distress.

While Edward and Anderson had been tearing each other to pieces, Bella was engaged in her own struggle. She had been trying to get closer to the two combatants. She figured that she might distract the Scotsman somehow. But Yumiko wouldn’t have it. She was trying to restrain Bella. Any intervention between two powerful beings by a mortal would only mean the death of the mortal. Unlike her compatriots, Yumiko was not interested in senseless violence.

Yumiko attempted to restrain Bella while Bella tried to break away. During the struggle, Bella knocked off Yumiko’s glasses, a very heavy mistake to be sure. The change was instantaneous. In that moment, the Japanese nun ceased to be Yumiko, but transformed into Yumie, psychopathic berserker nun. And unlike her split personality, Yumie fully believed that Bella deserved to die.

“Yumiko may have wanted to spare your fucking worthless life, but anybody who fucks a vampire deserves what I hand out”. Looking deeply into Bella’s shocked eyes, Yumie savored the fear. With uncanny speed she drew her sword from its hilt and prepared to send this heathen girl back to hell where she belonged.

But at that moment, Bella was saved by an angel. Not an angel, a God, an Adonis. Edward flew at Bella. A flash of movement from Edward! Yumie’s sword shattered like glass. Before the berserker nun could react, cold fingers stronger than steel wrapped around her throat and lifted her off the ground.

In Edward’s grip, Yumie’s eyes bugged out comically and her tongue as well. Edward brought her closer, mouth wide open and vampire’s venom flowing. He would have drained the nun of all her blood, not that Yumie deserved any better. What stopped him was a touch. A warm touch from a weak and nearly insignificant human named Bella. And because of that Edward did not kill the nun.

However, Edward did not spare her from punishment. He reached out and like pulling a flower from the ground he tore Yumie’s ear off. He let go and Yumie dropped to the ground, clutching the spot where her ear used to be. “Fanatical bitch”, he swore at her. To complete the act, he curled his hand into a fist and punched Yumie right in the nose. The nun went down like a bag of hammers.

Edward looked to Bella, neither could think of what to say. Suddenly, something that was seven feet tall and weighted five hundred pounds slammed into Edward, pinning him to the ground. Bella couldn’t help but gasp at the state of Alexander Anderson. Edward had done quite a number on him before rushing to Bella’s aid. The priest’s head had been split down the middle by a stop sign and part of that stop sign was thrust through his heart.

What was even creepier was that he was still smiling, as though he had the situation under control. First the halves of his head put themselves together. Then the metal pole through his heart fell out with a wet noise and hit the ground with a CLANG!

Exhaling gently, two bayonets fell out of his sleeves. Edward struggled under Anderson’s superior strength, his foot planted right on Edward’s neck. Anderson prepared for the kill, he slid the two blades against each other, creating sparks and then he raised both weapons –

“God is a lie”

Anderson looked up confused.

“God isn’t real”, Bella’s lame attempt to distract the paladin worked.

“Whit are ye on aboot? Dinnae distract me when I-CRASH!

Anderson didn’t finish his sentence because at that moment a canary yellow Porsche slammed into him and tore him into two pieces. Blood and guts flew everywhere. Anderson’s torso flew that-a-way and his legs went this-a-way. Driving the yellow vehicle was none other than Alice, Edward’s sister who held the power to see the future.

The little pixie of a vampire waved to Bella and the now Risen Edward, “Quickly, quickly people”. Bella was barely in the car before Alice stepped on the gas. With a smell of burning rubber, they were off, and much faster than the speeding limit.

Edward was still a little stunned, “Thank you”.

Alice, ever the bundle of energy replied, “No problem Edward, any day. Yeah, I was just shopping and I discovered this amazing blue dress. Then I had this vision of your honeymoon and it was just so romantic. Admittedly the house keeper doesn’t like Edward but that’s. . .”

Edward cut her off, “Alice, skip it a little bit”.

“Of course, anyways I had next a vision of Edward getting the tar beat out of him by a crazy man. By the way, your eye’s healing nicely so don’t worry. At that moment I realized that you needed my help. And here we are, safe and sound”. Alice tensed up for a moment; Edward realized she was having a vision. “Um, Edward, we’ve got company”.

Edward gave Alice a funny look, “What do you mean company”? It wasn’t long before his question was answered. Edward recognized the sound of bayonets being stabbed into the side of a car.

Paladin Anderson was never one to run away from a fight, even at his most rational. He had dragged himself after the car without even bothering to reunite with the lower half of his body. Now he was using is weapons to climb up the rear of Alice’s car. He dragged himself up with increased zeal when his opponent struck.

Edward lunged forward and looked Anderson in the eye, taking in the sight of his white cotton gloves. One read, “Jesus Christ is in Heaven”, the other read, “Speak with the dead”. Edward made a mental note of this; Alice would probably want a pair of gloves just like these. With no further pomp or ceremony he lunged forward and bit the fingers off one of Anderson’s hands.

Anderson screamed but his grip stayed true where he had fingers to grip. Then Alice leaned leapt from the driver’s seat and said to him in words too fast and high for a human to hear, “You are a bad man Paladin Anderson, a bad man with a stylish sense of dress, but a bad man”, and then she bit off his remaining fingers.

Anderson slid down the car’s rear and hit the road. From there he went rolling for a quarter before finally stopping. Slowly lifting himself up, Anderson roared an incoherent scream into the night sky, cursing vampires of all species and especially cursing vampire venom, the one substance capable of slowing down his healing process. WHUMP! And then he was run over by a semi truck trailer.

15 minutes later

The three Iscariot priests were sitting down at burger king. But only Anderson was eating burgers. Heinkel was struggling to breath; it was quite a challenge with half of one’s ribs broken. Yumiko was nursing a broken nose while trying to stifle the blood flow from her missing ear with tissue paper. Anderson paid attention to none of this. He was far too upset at the turn of the battle.

As a regenerator he had an ultra efficient digestive system capable of rapidly breaking down food into useable forms within minutes. However, despite this he still had to eat like a five hundred pound, seven foot tall man would be expected to eat, a lot. Cheese burger after cheese burger went into his mouth in a seemingly unending stream. The fight had taken a great deal out of him. Especially when his heart was dispatched. When that happened his body cells burned energy at an accelerated rate in lieu of oxygen. And healing his brain was no picnic.

“Dis happens every dime”, Yumiko sobbed. “I try to contribute someding to da battle plan but you’re all more interested in listening to my berserker half who has an IQ of five”. Her broken nose interfered with her speech.

Anderson put down his burger and signed. He was acting like a pig, no worse, a vampire. “Ah’m sorry Yumiko, ye shouldn’t have to pay me mae troubles”. Little did he realize that their troubles were just beginning.

Some geeky looking teenager had come up to the trio and asked them, “Uh, sirs, um, how are you going to, like, pay for all this”? The three Vatican people all froze at the sound of these words. They’d brought weapons and they’d brought their faith. But they didn’t bring out a single penny with them.

Fortunately Anderson had a plan he said to the kid, “Look here young un, we’re wit the Vatican an’ on a very important mission”. He pulled out his cell phone and he said in a very important sounding voice, “An now ah’m going tae call someone oo’ works for me”. Inside though, Anderson was in a state of panic. He was going over and over in his head, “Peter, where are ye”? Finally Anderson’s friend Peter answered the phone.


“Aye, Peter, its Alex. Ah’m in trouble”.

“Al, if you need me to foot your bill again, this is the last time I’m doing this”.