The Big Hellsing: The Forks Affair.
There is a war being fought, in the gloomiest night and in the darkest shadows. From the forests of Washington to the streets of London, lives and unlives are ended as the war continues. From the Vatican's splendor to Volterra's darkened halls, the machine of war grinds on. There is a war raging between the beautiful, glittering Unstet and the savage, voracious Nosferatu. Between agents of church and the masters of immortal life. As the mightiest of the vampire hunters, the Hellsing Organization intends to be standing when the dust clears and the heads roll. Welcome to the Forks affair.
The following story is a crossover between Twilight and a manga series called Hellsing. While it is not completely nescessary, I would reccomend that you familiarize yourself with Hellsing. Just go onto youtube and look up Hellsing OVA. Beyond that, I do not own Hellsing or Twilight, or any other copywrited work that may appear in this story. This story is purely a non-profit endevor and is not meant to infringe on copyright law. And just go in and enjoy yourselves. I've got the first twenty chapters typed up. After chapter twenty, I'm open to suggestions and requests. Have fun :) Ta Master of teh Boot
4. Alucard and the X-Box
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“I first saw it when it came out in nineteen eighty-nine. I’d only been released from imprisonment only a year previously and I was quite bored”.
“When you say imprisoned, do you mean like, in jail”?
“Does it really look like any jail could hold this guy kid”?
The tall young man with dirty blond hair shot a glare at his fellow recruit, “Damn it Leon, I told you to stop calling me kid”!
Leon Kennedy just smiled at the kid, “I’ll stop calling you that Zohall, when you grow up”. Leon then turned to Alucard, “You were going on about batman”.
Alucard took a sip from his bag of medical blood and replied, “Yes I was. Anyways, my previous experience with comic books was rather limited. I’d read a few issues of superman back in the twenties but that was my limit. Superman didn’t leave me with a vey good first impression of anything comic book related”.
Leon cautioned Alucard, “Hey, don’t talk that way about the guy in blue, he’s my favorite superhero”.
“Then I believe that you need a new favorite Superhero Leon”, Alucard took off his glasses, “What was I talking about again”?
Zohall chipped in, “You were going on about how you first saw Batman and how great it was”.
“Yes that was it! Anyways, I was newly freed from decades of magical imprisonment in the basement of the Hellsing manor and I had a few pounds on me. A vampire I’d killed earlier had some money on him. Then I saw it. I saw trailers for Batman. I saw posters for it and it just called out to me. I was pulled in two opposite directions, part of me wanted to see this new movie and part of me was just too distrustful of the director. Eventually though, my pro batman side won out and I was not disappointed”.
“I never saw that batman but I was the Dark Knight a little while ago and I liked it a lot. The fight scenes were really awesome”.
“That’s why you’re an idiot Zohall Mercer”
Zohall sprang up from his chair, outraged. “You wanna start something”?
Alucard shrugged, “I’m just saying that the Dark Knight was the worst pile of garbage I’ve ever seen. And all who enjoy it are total idiots”.
“You’re really starting to piss me off”, Mercer drew one of his Katanas and pointed the blade at Alucard’s heart.
Leon took up the role of the referee, “Hey hey, you guy have already fought and you don’t need to fight over something as stupid as a movie. Am I right?”
Alucard and Zohall Mercer both sat down, both of them thinking that they were right on the issue at hand. Alucard went on with his story, “As I was saying before our little spat. I saw Batman that night and immediately I knew that I stumbled upon a classic”.
Mercer once more added his two cents, “I read about Batman on rotten , they didn’t give it a very good review. They kept saying it had a weak plot”.
“That’s the greatest lie I’ve ever heard. The plotline of the original batman was simplicity itself. It was about character versus character. Joker versus Batman. A war taking place in a town too small for the both of them. This new batman, the Dark Knight, has no plot. It’s merely a bunch of tired out sermonizing by a director who should have died instead of Heath Ledger”.
Zohall however was not swayed by Alucard’s passionate speech, “I don’t care what you say, the Dark Knight fucking rocked and nothing you say can change that”.
At that moment, Walter Dornez, the Hellsing family butler entered the room with a cordless phone. “Alucard, it’s the Volturi”.
Alucard snapped out of his nostalgic mood, “Finally, they couldn’t ignore me forever”. Alucard grabbed the telephone and immediately spoke into the receiver, “Hello, who is this”?
“This is Aro, who is speaking”?
“Don’t feign ignorance Aro, it’s me”.
Aro, apparently wanted to have some fun with Alucard, “I’m sorry, but If you won’t identify yourself-
“It’s Alucard you lowlife”! Alucard fumed at the arrogance of the vampire on the other end of the line. “What’s wrong Aro; have the Volturi already forgotten about me”?
Aro faked subservience, “Oh no Alucard, we would never forget about the great and powerful Dracula”. Alucard was no fool; he sensed the barb hidden in the comment.
“You know why I am contacting you”. It was not a question.
“Ever so sorry Alucard but I’m quiet ignorant regarding whatever grievances you might have”.
“Aro, I left a dozen phone messages, just as many e-mails and even some mystical messages left to you. You cannot honestly say that you are unaware why I’m calling. But if you are I advise that you kill all of your servants for leaving you out of the loop”.
“That’s a bit of a harsh solution isn’t it Alucard”?
“No”. This was followed by several seconds of prolonged silence. Alucard was certain that Aro was snickering at him, “I’m calling to demand my money back”.
“You want your money back”, his voice was dripping with mock shock.
“Yes Aro, I purchased an x-box 360 from you which was modified for use by vampires. But when I began to use it I found that I had bought damaged goods”.
Alucard’s patience for this fool’s games was running short, “Yes Aro, fucking damaged goods. When I say damaged I mean that the graphics were shit. I also mean that when I pressed pause the entire fucking thing crashed in my face. And also I mean that the fucking screen froze if I so much as looked at it. Is my message getting through to you Aro? Or do I have to explain in only single syllable words”?
“Goodness no Alucard, I understand your frustration. But what is it you want of me”?
“I. Want. My. Money. Back. Now”. Alucard’s rage was palpable in the room. His thick menacing aura was nearly unbearable to Walter, Leon and Zohall. His eyes were now bloodshot to the point that he had no white left in them. His lips were drawn back in a snarl, exposing a mouth full of shark like teeth. His canines had lengthened; they now were long enough to shred his lower lip.
“Well, I’m sorry Alucard but at the moment things are tight financially over here in Volterra. What we could do though is send you another x-box at a reduced price. Does that settle our little problem”?
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU LITTLE CUNT! YOU AND YOUR INBRED BROTHERS ARE SWIMMING IN GOLD. HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME? HOW DARE YOU LIE TO THE KING OF VAMPIRES”?
Aro laughed, “Oh Alucard that’s quite a joke. You, the king of vampires? That’s rich that’s hilarious. You’re a vampire yes, but you’re no king. You see, a king gives orders, while a servant obeys orders. A king is free to do as he pleases, while a servant is bound to do as his master pleases. A king has subjects, while a servant is a subject. I’m afraid that you’ve been behaving like a servant rather than a king. There used to be a vampire king a century ago. His name was Dracula and he was defeated by Abraham Van Helsing. Have you ever heard of this Dracula, Alucard”? Aro paused for a moment, “So, what color do you want your new x-box”?
Alucard’s voice was cold as ice, filled with the promise of pain, “Aro, I will receive my money in thirty days. We’ll meet then”. Alucard hung up and slumped down in his chair.
Walter attempted to comfort Alucard, “Don’t worry Alucard, if those ruffians don’t give you your proper tribute I’ll head to Italy myself to collect their debt”.
Alucard sneered, “Save it Walter, even at your height the Angel of Death would have failed against the Volturi. They aren’t the rulers of the Unstet vampires for nothing”. He stewed for a moment longer before bursting out again, “I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that that weasel Aro thinks he can get away with this or the fact that he’s completely right”.
Leon now had a go at cheering Alucard up, “Come on, what does this guy know”.
“What he knows is that I’m a king in name only. Everywhere I go I’m known as known as a pet of the humans. Regardless of the carnage I lay down I am ridiculed wherever I go. Deacon Frost, spreads rumors about me behind my back, he questions my sexual orientation. Incognito, that twisted fucker thinks that I’ve gone soft, that my powers are limp. And all the rest of those fucking blood suckers yes, yes yes YES YES YES YES! But the fucking Volturi?
They’re old school vampires. They used to have respect for the big vampires, respect for strong blood. They respected those of noble blood. Now I find that they’re just scum, no different than the FREAK vampires. And why should they respect me”?
Zohall turned to Alucard with wisdom seemingly beyond his years, “Come on, if you give in to peer pressure then you are nothing different than the FREAK vampires”.
“Fine Zohall, just fine. But why must they single me out? Carlisle gets a thousand times the respect that I do from the Volturi. And why? He must be as low as I am in their eyes”.
Leon asked, “Does this Carlisle guy obey humans like you do”.
Alucard snapped at Leon’s ignorance, “Are you joking, of course not. Carlisle and those who follow him subsist entirely on a diet of animal blood. That in itself it a massive shame to virtually all species of vampires”.
There was a prolonged pause. This was the lowest point that Alucard had been at since he first performed the bidding of the first Hellsing. Alucard was a person with a massive ego. It was an integral part of him. It was how he was brought up, it was how he died and it was how he lived his un-life. It was rare to Alucard to hit an emotional low, but when they hit, they hit like a ton of bricks.
Suddenly Zohall smiled, “Hey, I know what’ll cheer ya up”. He turned to Walter, “Could you grab me the file on that family Integra and Seras are visiting”?
“I can fetch them in half a moment”.
Leon asked Zohall, “Are you doing what I think you’re doing”?
Zohall grinned, “You betcha”.
Alucard was confused, “What are you doing”?
“What do you think; I’m going to make a prank call. Thanks Walter”. With the file on Bella Swan and Charlie Swan in his hand, Mercer began to dial the telephone, setting it to speaker phone. He wanted everybody to hear this.
In the town of Forks, Charlie Swan was woken up by the sound of the phone ringing. Charlie ceased snoring and yawned. He remembered two women, a pair of blondes. He looked the shorter one in the eye and then he was here, asleep. Groaning, Charlie picked himself up and
made his way to the telephone. Upon reaching the phone, Charlie shook up one leg to get some of the circulation back. “Hello”?
“Hello, is this Charlie Swan”?
“Yes it is, may I ask who is speaking”.
Zohall grinned on the other line, “Hello, this is detective Mike Hunt from the Seattle police department. I’m calling concerning your daughter, Isabella I think”. Leon in the background stifled a giggle.
Charlie was horrified, where the hell was Bella anyways. “Is she alright”!
“She’s fine sir. I’m afraid that she’s in a little trouble. She was found in a public ladies’ room near Queen Anne Hill. I’m afraid that there’s no way to put this delicately, she was sucking a young man’s dick”. Everybody in the room was struggling to keep from exploding into laughter, Walter included.
Charlie was horrified by this accusation, “No this is a mistake, you’ve go the wrong Isabella”.
“No sir I’m afraid that this is quite true. And that’s not the end of it either”, Alucard, Walter and Leon waiting in anticipation for Zohall. “Upon arrival at the station, we had to call a paramedic to perform some minor surgery”.
Charlie was in the ninth circle of hell, “SURGERY”?
“Nothing too serious sir, they found an object lodged in the vaginal passage. It was a seventeen inch by three inch piece of carved hickory”.
“Yes sir, a wooden stake”. Zohall knew that he had to end this soon or Charlie would hear the laughter. “Ah sir, could you hold for a moment, the hospital is on the other line”. Zohall cut the line and all the repressed laughter exploded into the open. Laughter flooded the room; Alucard cried tears of blood as he laughed. Walter and Leon weren’t far behind him.
Charlie slammed the phone shut. He couldn’t listen for one more second to those lies about his little girl. This was probably somebody’s idea of a sick joke. Before Charlie could calm himself down the phone rung again. Charlie checked the caller ID, it was Bella! In a moment, he was greeted by the sound of his daughter’s voice, “Hey Charlie”.
“Bella, are you alright”? He failed miserably to keep the panic out of his voice.
“Um look, Charlie, I’m not in trouble but Edward and I are at a police station in Seattle and-
“I’M COMING TO GET YOU BELLA”! Charlie suddenly knew that the horrible things he heard over the phone were true, and Edward Cullen was to blame for it. Charlie sprinted into the kitchen and grabbed his gun, which he kept customarily loaded. Then he sprinted for the car and tore out of the driveway like a bat out of hell.
Meanwhile at the police station, Bella was confused. “I don’t get it, he just freaked”.
Edward shrugged, “I’m sure he’s just fine. Those British people gave him a scare”.
“Yeah, he’ll be okay”.
- Master of the Boot
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