Lacrymosa: The Waterlogged Heart
It was heavy, waterlogged from the near constant tears shed from his departure. The accrused thing needed to come out and back into the hands of the one it longed for. Edward. ExB. Vamp. Angst. A little OOC. Cannon pairings. First fanfic please be nice.
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 1982 Review this Chapter
Authors Note: I do NOT own any of these characters. All credit goes to SM, to whom I owe my LIFE to now and also whom I want to thank with all my heart for blessing me with Edward. (drools..) NOW! Onward!
Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?
Blame it on me
set your guilt free
nothing can hold you back now
Dreaming, something that most people have no problem with, for me was a living nightmare. I didn’t dream about failing tests, dying, or zombies. No. My dreams were much worse and more vivid than one person can handle. I pictured the man that I loved the most. I pictured myself lying in his arms in the middle of his special place, the snow falling lightly over our faces, and his beautiful smile. His lips caressing my jaw line as he hummed my lullaby in his luscious velvety voice. These were the dreams I ran from. The one that stalked me every night and constantly reminded me of his departure.
The man in my dream smiled at me. A smile of thousand sunshine’s. A smile I would gladly rip my heart out with my bare hand just to actually see again.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere. Don’t be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I’ll be here,” he whispered into my hair, his lips brushing lightly against my ear causing an involuntary shiver from the pure pleasure it sent through my spine.
Despite the fact that I knew I was dreaming and that this memory would soon fade leaving me in the darkness, I smiled. My heart throbbed in my chest and tears stung the back of my eyes.
“Edward,” I whispered looking up at him again. His smile was relaxed and content. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath letting my scent envelop him.
I furrowed my brows at him. The voice was not his. It sounded distant as if someone in the real world was calling me, beckoning me to come back into the darkness that I now called my life. A moonless night. Because the man who now has me in his arms took it with him. Along with the stars, oxygen, hope, love. He left me with despair and this heavy organ called a heart. It called to him and as the days passed grew heavier and heavier, waterlogged with the tears that I cried for him.
“Edward,” I whimpered, reaching out to touch his face only to find that my hand flew right through it. He was an apparition, an illusion made by my sick mind to keep me alive. “Edward!” it came out as a scream and pain flitted across his face almost too fast for me to comprehend. Then it was unbelievably smooth, sheet rock over bones. My stomach cringed. I had seen this face before. “Edward,” I whispered barely audible.
“Bella he isn’t coming back for you.” Edward’s lips moved but the voice was again not his but sounded very familiar. “He’s been gone for months Bella. Forget him because he has forgotten you.” I shook my head violently leaning away from the incorporeal being.
“No.” I whispered. His face hardened, anger seeping into his veins causing his eyes to harden, topaz marbles set into his porcelain face. He was beautiful.
“Bella, stop this,” the imposter voice slipped through his tight lips.
“No,” I said a lot louder than I meant too. He opened his mouth to speak and I threw my hands up, the limbs moving involuntarily. “NO!” I screamed and before I knew it trees were whipping past my face and my chest was tight with the lack of air to my lungs. I was running, running faster than I had ever in my life. I needed to get away from him. I knew the attempt was feeble, as he could catch up to me whenever he wanted, but I couldn’t stop my legs, they had a mind of their own.
“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” The words were ripping themselves from my throat leaving it raw and inflamed.
“Bella!” the loud voice came from behind me. My feet ran faster, my eyes clenched shut, fists tightened to the point of drawing blood. And then I was engulfed by a bright blinding light. I halted my movement altogether. “Bella,” the voice sighed as hot streams ran down my cheeks.
My eyes popped open and there was Charlie. It was indeed a dream, but I knew this. I had let myself get carried away again. I darted my eyes around the dark room. I was in the hospital, again. My chest stung and I cringed.
“Does it hurt again? Do you want me to call the nurse?” Charlie asked with a concerned voice. I bought my hand up to my chest and rubbed the gauze. Dammit, I still wasn’t successful. This damn thing had to come out of my chest. If it did then the nightmares would stop, his face wouldn’t haunt me, and I can give him the one thing that he left behind. I ran my hand over the gauze over and over, wincing when I would rub too hard but relatively enjoying the pain. “Bella?” Charlie’s voice whipped me out of my stupor. What had he asked me?
“What did you say?”I croaked, my voice thick with sleep.
“Would you like me to call the nurse?” He asked his voice tight. I looked into his face for a few moments and shook my head a little too hard.
“No,” I cleared my throat and sat up a little. “That won’t be necessary dad but thanks. “ I gave him my best smile which probably didn't come out the way I had wanted. He didn’t buy it.
“Bells if you're in pain then you should let m-“
“I said I’m fine dad I just need to use the bathroom and maybe a sip of water.” I cut him off. He stared at me for a minute and I fidgeted under his gaze. "Really dad," I said in a soothing voice running my palm over his tense hand that was grasping the iron bar of my bed. "I do need a drink of water though. Can you get me some?" His eye narrowed and then he reluctantly nodded and got up from the bed.
I waited until I heard the low buzz of his voice and the nurse's until I jumped out the bed and ran into the bathroom. Once in I locked the door and whirled around to look into the mirror. My face had a huge gash on the side and my lip was slightly swollen. I smiled at my handy work. My eyes slowly ran down to my neck taking in the clawed areas on it and my collar bone. Finally they rested on my chest which was heavily wrapped in gauze speckled with blood. My smile intensified. I had gotten much farther this time with my process. Soon the accursed thing would be out of my chest and into a box mailed to a Mr. Cullen.
I pictured his face as he open the it and saw the freeze dried organ with his name etched into it. It was sick but it was the only thing I could do to show him how sorry I was for wasting so much of his time that he could have been out getting "distracted" by other things. I wanted to let him know my death would be his consolation gift from me and that my heart belong to him always all at the same time.
"Perfect" I muttered to myself. My fingers were subconsciously picking at the edge of the wrapping at the corner of my chest trying to see my masterpiece. Slowly I pulled at it until it gave and started to detach itself from my skin. I sighed at the pain, wallowing it deservingly. I pulled back the edge and started at the bloody mar beneath it. It was beautifully disfigured, much like my soul. Sighing I gently ran my fingertips over it my smile becoming more radiant. Next time I would be successful.
"Bella?" I jumped.
"Oh crap!" I whispered pushing the gauze back down hissing at the pain of the air whooshing to the unhealed mark. Charlie's footstep grew louder as he made his way to the bathroom door.
"Bella? What are you doing?" His voice was on edge, he was greatly afraid. I didn't answer as I continued to push on the gauze and hiss. "Bella!" He said a little louder, panic evident in his voice as he firmly grabbed the door knob. "Open this door right now Isabella Swan or so help me I will break it down. " He jiggled the doorknob and my eyes snapped towards it. I smooth my shirt out and grabbed the handle as well, slowly unlocking and opening it.
"Jeez dad can I flush the toilet and wash my hands?" I scowled at him and turned my back to flush the toilet. He didn't move or breathe as his eyes racked over my body to find any new damage. I rolled my eyes and turned on the faucet. "I am injured dad it takes me a bit longer to maneuver around."
He sighed. "That's no ones fault but your own," he whispered dropping his head and turning around to sit my water on the table beside my bed.
"I know dad thanks for reminding me." I returned to the bed and got in. Charlie poured me a glass of water and gave it to me.
"Drink." He demanded and watched as my shaky hands bought the cup to my lips. The morphine was starting to have that effect on me. Charlie pulled my hand into his and my eyes immediately darted around the room to look at everything but his face. "Bella, please sweetie." I turned my face slowly to his, my eyes closed. "Bella, open them." I did what he asked but stared at our joined hands. He sighed giving into the fact that he wasn't going to win the looking battle.
"Bella, it's been four months sweetie." I squinted my eyes. Only four? I said in my mind. It has felt like an eternity..or two. Charlie sighed heavily again and his voice became much more stern."They left four months ago Bella. Edward is-"
I snatched my hand back from him and adverted his gaze looking towards the wall. He had crossed the line and he knew it.
"Stop it." I said calmly.
"No. You need to hear this." He paused waiting for my rebuttal. "Edward Cullen is not coming back. He and his family left and whether or not you're the reason..."
His voice droned on and on but I tuned him out by reciting the Spanish alphabet backwards in my head. He was right, I knew this but there was no need for him to say it. I didn't want to hear it out loud from someone. I couldn't take it. Hot tears flowed down my face and I snap my head back to him my eyes livid.
"SHUTUP CHARLIE!" I screamed before I'd even thought about it. His expression was twisted with pain, hurt, and anger. I shot out of bed and ran into the bathroom locking it again.
"BELLA!" I heard him scream through the pounding on the door. " COME OUT HERE AT ONCE!"
I shook my head and slumped to the ground grabbing my ears hard. He wasn't coming back for me. He didn't want me? Why should he? Who was I? I caused him so much pain. He should hate me. He DOES hate me. I started to scream and bang my head on the toilet seat behind me too distracted to notice the pain that shot through my head. Everything around me grew hazy as I heard Charlie yell for the nurse and then..everything went black.