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Lacrymosa: The Waterlogged Heart

It was heavy, waterlogged from the near constant tears shed from his departure. The accrused thing needed to come out and back into the hands of the one it longed for. Edward. ExB. Vamp. Angst. A little OOC. Cannon pairings. First fanfic please be nice.


2. Chapter One | The Return

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Disclaimer:I don’t own any characters or settings in this story. I’m just using them for my own pleasures. SM is the only owner and sometimes I find myself wishing to just be able to wander in her mind to see what its like. *sigh* Hmm maybe this is how Edward feels when he watches Bella sleep…oh well, here goes.

Chapter 1| The Return

I had stayed in the hospital for about a week after I had awoken and had been on my best behavior. I ate when I was supposed to, slept when I was told to, trying not to let my dreams overtake me anymore, and I even held decent conversations with Charlie. Now, it was time to go back home. Back to the room that held all of the memories of a time when life wasn’t so difficult. I didn’t know how I was going to react once I got there but I told myself that I wouldn’t let my emotions show. I had to be calm if I wanted my plan to be successful.

“Excited to go back home Bells?” Charlie’s voice stole my attention form what he thought was the partially open window. I turned to him slowly, thinking about whether or not to answer the question truthfully.

“Yes,” I lied. “I kind of miss my soft bed. Hospital beds can be ridiculously uncomfortable,” I grimaced at the memory. At least some of what I said was the truth.

He glanced at me then, his eyes careful. “Well you know you don’t have to go back there.” His voice was barely audible that, at first, I wasn’t sure if he had actually spoken. I whipped my head back to the window trying to avoid the conversation. Charlie really didn’t deserve all that I put him through. My stomach tightened with guilt and I swallowed hard. “Bella I’m….worried about you.”

“I know dad,” was all I could say. I wanted to apologize for the past four and a half months of hell I had put him through but I couldn’t. The truth was that, while I was sorry for the emotional pain it had caused him, I couldn’t bring myself to be sorry for doing this. It was something that I needed to do for myself…and for.. Damnit! I couldn’t think of his name while being so close to Charlie. I wouldn’t let him see the effects that his dereliction still had on me. But the memories bubbled to the surface and tears stung the back of my eyes. The wound in my chest throbbed and my hand reflexively shot up to clench my shirt above the mar and I hissed quietly in pain.

“Bella?” Charlie’s voice rose in panic as his eyes darted between my clenched fist and the road. “Bella are you alright? I’m going to pick up the pain medication as soon as I can.”

“I’m fine dad, it was just the wind,” I’d lied smoothing while hitting the “window up” button with my other hand. It took all my strength to calm myself enough to remove my fist from my chest and give him a tiny grin. “See, all better.” He didn’t look persuaded. His fists tightened on the steering wheel and the car started to accelerate faster. I sighed. “Dad,” I started, “the pain was only because of the wind. The pharmacy will be open ‘til six and its only four. We’ll get there in time.”

“Bella you need help,” he said dryly. Uht-oh. My brain shouted. This is not good.

“Help as in what?” I asked my voice shaking.

“Help as in psychiatric help, Bella,” he said through clenched teeth. Blood-boiled under my veins and my heart hammered so loudly I was sure he could hear it. How dare he? I wasn’t some wack job! He couldn’t send me to some crazy house where they would poke me with needles, run tests, and inevitably lock me up forever. I didn’t turn to look at him, I couldn’t. Instead I fumed in my seat, glaring out the window at the setting sun. I couldn’t let my emotions get the better of me. He might really consider sending me there if I blew up.

“Bella, sweetie, I’m only doing this for you,” his voice was dripping with concern. Concern that only fueled my anger more. My vision blurred as hot tears I didn’t even know were forming fell down my face. I bit my lip hard trying to control myself from erupting in anger. “It’s just that you’ve been so sad that it doesn’t even seem like your living anymore but rather just…existing.” He paused to hear my rebuttal but continued when he was sure there wasn’t one. “At the hospital you were like a robot. Eating when instructed to. Sleeping so stoically that, if it weren’t for the heart monitor, I wouldn’t even know if you were alive. It’s… frightening Bella.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted,” my voice filled with more malice than I’d meant for it to have. “A normal daughter.”

“Bella what you were doing, what you are doing is anything but normal.” He said pulling into the drive way. I grabbed the door handle and flung it open as I stormed out of the car. I didn’t need this. Not if I wanted my plan to work. I slammed the door behind me and made my way to the house. “Bella!” he yelled at m,e closing his own door and running to catch up to me.

“Dad I do NOT want to go to see a psychiatrist!” I yelled whirling around to face him as he stood in the doorway. His face looked hurt again and I clenched my eyes together willing myself to calm down. “Dad, please,” I whispered, “let me do this on my own and I promise that if this doesn’t work then I will go…get help” I sighed the last words opening my eyes to see that his facial expression had softened slightly. “Dad I’m trying to get through this. I am-”

“I know you are sweetie,” he cooed at me. “I’m just afraid that if I don’t try to help you that…I might lose you.” My heart dropped as tears brimmed my eyes. “I’ve already lost your mother,” his voice broke and he trailed off.

“I know dad,” I walked closer to him. I wanted so badly to just thrown my arms around him but I knew that it would only give him false hope. I shoved my hands into my pockets to fight the urge. “It’ll get better. Just…give me sometime.” I shrugged looking at my shows to advert his gaze.

He nodded and ran his hands through his hair. “Well, I’m going to go get your medicine and stop at my office to take care of some paper work quickly. Will you be fine or do you want to come with me?” His eyes glinted with suspicion.

“I’ll behave I promise.” This wasn’t a lie. My next attempt would be successful but I wasn’t planning anything tonight. Well, not anything physical anyway. I looked up at him a smile playing on my lips. “I’ll make us some dinner. How’s spaghetti sound?”

He smiled despite himself. “That sounds great Bells. I’ve missed your cooking. Hospital food was just….well…rotten.” I chuckled and so did he. We sat there for a moment relishing in the feeling of a light subject, something that seem to be very rare in the Swan house as of late. “Well, I’ll let you get started then.” He turned and left.

I sighed and walked into the kitchen not ready to face my room yet. I pulled out the ground beef and vegetable oil along with some spices and started to absentmindedly prepare dinner. After the beef was browned and sitting in the tomato sauce and the noodles were boiling I had mustered up the courage to go to my room. I needed to use my computer after all to put my plans into affect.

As I ascended the stairs my heartbeat started to pick up and my breathing turned labored. I was scared. What if I couldn’t control my emotions? What if the memories flooded back too fast for me to catch myself? No, I had to do this. I stood outside my door taking deep breathes and preparing myself for this. Taking one last breath and exhaling loudly I grasped my door handle and walked in.