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Lacrymosa: The Waterlogged Heart

It was heavy, waterlogged from the near constant tears shed from his departure. The accrused thing needed to come out and back into the hands of the one it longed for. Edward. ExB. Vamp. Angst. A little OOC. Cannon pairings. First fanfic please be nice.


3. Chapter Two | Reigning It Back In

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2269   Review this Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, settings, or apparently emotions in this story. It’s just an idea that has been bumping around too loudly in my mind that I had to set free. I make no money what so ever and would like to thank Ms. Meyer for plaguing me with said thoughts lol. (No, really, thanks!)Words in both bold and italics are from Twilight and New Moon. I, again, don’t own.

Chapter 2| Reigning It Back In

Taking one last breath and exhaling loudly, I grasped my door handle and walked in.

The feeling that swept over me when I entered was something that I was expecting, but certainly not ready for. Memory after memory poured back into my mind making it hard to concentrate on anything but the wound that now stung loudly on my chest.

“It makes me…anxious…to be away from you”

“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?”

“I told you- you don’t see yourself clearly at all. Your not like anyone I’ve known at all. You fascinate me.”

I gripped my chest and backed into the wall, tears cascaded down my cheeks and I shook my head violently to try to stop the images and words from flooding my senses. I could almost see his perfect face. Almost feel his cold stone-like flesh, taste the sweetness of his breath as it washed over my face, here the musical tone in his voice, see the curiosity in his eyes.

“No,” I breathed.

“Are you so depressed by Forks that it’s made you suicidal?”

I shook my head again backing up into the wall. My breathing was erratic as I let his euphonious voice fill my head. These memories were the ones I cherished most but tried so hard not to think of. It just made the loneliness all the more complicated.

“I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I wont come back for you. I wont put you through this anything like this again.”

I cried harder, fisting my shirt tighter, my vision rapidly becoming more and more blurry from the overflow of tears.

“God, please no!” I chocked out. “Anything but this again.”

“You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me.”

“No!” I shouted. “Your not an interference. You’re my life. Please…” I chocked on the words as they came out in a rush. I didn’t want to hear his next words. The sentence that changed my life forever.

“It’ll be as though I never existed.”

Then suddenly my tears stopped. It wasn’t until the vociferous noise ricocheted off the walls and windows back to my ears that I realized that I was screaming. I closed my mouth immediately, trying to stifle the pain and calm down. So, there I sat on the ground breathing hard, my hand clamped tightly to my mouth willing myself to calm down. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone he’s gone. I repeated in my head like a mantra.

As soon as I was sure that I was calm enough, I stood up and immediately smelled something burning. Tilting my head to the side I sniffed again making sure I wasn’t going insane. Funny I don’t remember….HOLY COW THE FOOD! I sprinted from the room to the kitchen. When I left I could’ve sworn I heard a diminutive voice say, “Be Safe.”


The wind swirled around my still form and caressed my skin like a soft blanket. Looking out onto the never ending white that stretched around me ,I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, looking for prey. My nose immediately found a black bear and my muscles coiled to spring. Within seconds I had found the middle-sized bear and drained it dry. Here I had let my wild predator side take over more. I was in a fairly deserted area of Alaska so I had not to worry about any humans coming into my olfactory sense. I could be alone with my thoughts. Alone to dream about things I knew now had become impossible. But that’s why they call them dreams after all right? I thought, shaking my head at the irony of me dreaming, and walking away from the lifeless beast that would soon become food for maggots.

There was no way I could return to her now. It had been four and a half months. Four. And. A. Half. I thought the words slowly, deliberately, letting the thought bring on a new wave of guilt, desperation,……….loneliness. 135 days, 13 hours, 4 minutes, and 29 seconds. That’s how long it had been since the last time I had seen my brown-eyed beauty. I had been counting the time since I turned my back on her that caliginous day in the forest. Every passing moment my self-loathing grew and only thoughts of how it was best for her seemed to calm me. But was it? I longed to see her with ever fiber of my being. I wanted to touch her creamy ivory skin, run my fingers through her mahogany locks, smell her intoxicating scent. The very thought of her scent made my head swim with dizziness and my mouth pool with venom. The blood of the bear no longer satisfied the burning in my throat. It flared up so high that I was sure the skin incasing my throat was now char and ash. I couldn’t see her now even if I wanted to, and boy did I. I hadn’t even smelled her scent yet and it had still had these effects on me. No. I would get no where near Bella Swan.

“Bella,” I breathed, my voice laced with despair. I couldn’t help the sudden questions that ripped themselves from the cage in the back of my mind. Did she feel the same way too? I let my thoughts wander to a happy place. A place where Bella was just as lonely as I was. Where she called after me every night and cried for me just like I longed to do for her if only I had the ability.

Masochistic! The lover in my mind yelled at me. Why would you want that for Bella? She deserves to be happy. She deserves you! No, I did not make Bella happy. I only brought pain and suffering to her life when I was around. She was better off without me. My shoulders shook with dry sobs and I my legs grew heavy. The next thing I knew my knees were covered in snow and I was my thoughts became hazy.

“BELLA!” The scream echoed through the air for, what felt like, an eternity.

“Edward…” The voice, all too familiar, called out to me from a short distance. I closed my eyes tightly and bought my hand up to pinch the bridge between my nose. How the hell did that pixie find me all the way out here?

“Alice.” It came out like a hiss. I had told her to leave me be. Let me wallow in my own guilt and to NOT bother me unless it was something important. I would wait out the duration of Bella’s life and then end mine shortly there after. Bella’s death was the only thing that I dreaded and waited for. My life was nothing without her existence.

Then it hit me like a brick and my head shot up. Why else would Alice be here? Had Bella died? It had only been four and half months that couldn’t be! But we were talking about Isabella Marie Swan here. As I had said before her number was up when I had met her in biology class not too long ago and she was a magnet for trouble…Had she? NO!

“Alice!” my voice was urgent, quivering…afraid.

“Relax Edward she isn’t dead nor is she going to die.” My breath came out in a rush. Why was I even holding my breath in the first place? I swallowed hard and then stood and turned to face her. She was wearing a long black trench coat and high leather boots. I sighed, as much as I told her to stay away from me I must admit it was nice to see her. Something, however, was wrong. I noticed the musical undertone in her voice was replaced by something else. Something I had never heard from Alice since she‘d learned I was going to leave Bella. Foreboding. She was here to warn me of something.

I immediately started to shuffle through her thoughts to find that she was blocking them from me, listing the elements of periodic table over and over, forward and backward. Something was wrong indeed.

“What is it Alice?” My voice was shaking, this could not be good.

“Edward,” she started her voice strained, “you need to return to Forks.” My eyes widened in fear.

“Is something wrong with Bella?” She shook her head slowly. I thought for a minute. Was something wrong with Carlisle? Esme or the others?

“The others?” my voice echoed the one in my head. She shook her head again. I once again tried to listen to her thoughts to find that she was reciting the phonetic Japanese vocabulary. An involuntary growl escaped my lips. What was she hiding. I tried to rein back my anger, to stay collected.

“Then what is it? What else could be so important that you would come all this way to tell me? Why are you hiding your thoughts?” My voice was taut.

“Bella is fine…right now.” She looked down at her feet. Right now? I thought. She was choosing her next words wisely. “But if you don’t return,” her gaze met mine and I saw horror in her eyes, “I fear she wont be.” Suddenly her thoughts flickered and I saw something that nearly was my undoing.

Bella’s face twisted with an awful mixture of pain and happiness. Blood covering her shirt and pants as her hand clawed at a massive wound where her heart was.

The vision was ripped from my eyes as Alice return to her mantra. My eyes widened and I started at Alice‘s now blank face. What was going on? Why was Bella doing this to herself? Was she going crazy? Did Charlie know? Was anyone trying to stop her?

“You need to come back to Forks before she succeeds in what she’s planning.” Alice’s voice was almost robotic. She, too, was trying to compose herself.

“How long has she…?” I chocked out not breathing, moving, nor blinking.

“This will be her fourth attempt,” she stated blankly.

“Fourth!?!” That knocked me out my stupor. “You mean to tell me she has done this more than once and no one has stopped her?” I was livid. Did Charlie not care about her?

“Charlie is doing everything in his power to stop her but Bella is being…difficult.” She said as though she was the one who could read thoughts.

I started to pace the ground, running my fingers through my wind strewn hair. This was impossible. Normal people don’t do things like this. Suicide always came in the form of cutting or maybe drugs, but to gouge ones heart out with you bear hands was something else entirely. But we were talking about Bella. She was not your average human, this I was certain. Things that normal people would run away screaming from Bella would find beautiful. She would love them. Things like me. No, this situation was indeed “Bellaesque.” But still to go to such lengths. She had a purpose. But what?

“Why?” I asked halting my movements and looking into Alice’s pixie face.

“That’s what me and Carlisle were hoping you could find out.”

“What!?” I was shocked anger filled my every vein. “Bella wouldn’t want to talk to me now. I left for so long without contacting her. I don’t even know if I can be around humans anymore. I’ve… let my animalistic side go too far to rein it in so quickly.” I was shaking my head frantically trying to think of any reason not to go back. “I can’t Alice…I…I cant..” My head hung and I felt defeated. There was no way I could go back to see my sweet Bella…no when just the thought of smelling her aroma made my muscles coil. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. It would be Biology all over again.

“Edward we don’t have to go straight back.” Some of the emotion was back in her voice as she took several precarious steps toward me. “Carlisle is here in Alaska. The whole family is.”

“The whole family… is here?” The thought of seeing everyone’s faces sent an involuntary warm feeling through my body, a glimmer of happiness that I felt like I’d never experience again. She nodded her head slowly. My brows furrowed at the next question I was about to ask, I wasn’t sure whether or not I truly wanted to know the answer. “How long do we have?”

She froze, her foot mid-step. “A month.”

“A month!?” I repeated the warmth leaving my body immediately. I had a month to re-civilize myself in order to save Bella. To see Bella. Hold her tightly in my arms. Kiss her forehead. Smell her scent. My heart swelled at the thought. “A month,” I whispered.

“Yes Edward. But we need to go now.” Bella…my mind said in amazement. But I would have to work hard in order to see her. I had to. “Edward.“ Alice was now rubbing my back soothingly. “You can do this,“ she said out loud. “Ive seen it,“ she finished in her head, showing me a vision of me humming my lullaby to her sleeping form. I smiled weakly, nodded once, and we were running.