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Insomnia

Summary:
Edward never returned in New Moon. Bella is celebrating her 21st brithday & is finally ready to get on with her life. But then strange occurunces throught out the day, make her doubt her own sanity. Could Edward really be back?


Notes:
Ok so this story came to me over a period of Insomnia one night (hence the title). It started off as a oneshot, but then developed into so much more. I became so obsessed with the fic, in the next following weeks, that I even started to dream about it & infact chapter 10, is actually loosely based on a dream of mine. My first ever twilight fanfiction that I ever wrote, hope you like. =D


5. Chapter 5 the bar

Rating 3/5   Word Count 2011   Review this Chapter

I walked for what seemed like miles & miles, hours & hours. Pretty soon the boulevard disappeared behind my steps & I found myself stepping into dark, dim dangerous unfamiliar territory. I didn’t care, I just kept walking, walking as far as my legs could take me. The tears still rushed down my face down my face as the hours went by, showing no sign to ever stop.

This is all my fault,” I kept telling myself “All my fault.” I could’ve said yes, to Jacob, the most loyalist & loving friend I would ever have. I could’ve made him happy. I could’ve learnt to love him, the way he had loved me. I could’ve have lead an almost content life. But it was too late now. Too late. This was all because I couldn’t let go, let go of the past, want something that could never happen, want no love someone who didn’t love me back. I was a shamble, a disgrace, an embarrassment to the human race. I didn’t deserve life.

The rain, now splattered hard against my head, the wind howled around me with brute force & somewhere in the distance I could hear the great rumbles of thunder. The night sky had now taken over the city of Port Angeles, light only visible from the twinkling of street lights, the restaurants & homes in the distance & from the beautiful glittering full moon.

My body was now starting to give into the non-stop walking & the tedious weather, my legs shaking from the pressure of another step, my teeth chattering from the damp of my clothing. My eyes searched for the nearest place to rest, they landed on a little grotty bar with a neon sign that read Sms She, which I guess would have if the sign was working properly have been Sams Shed. I shuddered at the thought, it was a well known fact on campus that Sams had a bad reputation. Most kids avoided the place like a plague & those who didn’t, well it was for obvious reasons why they went there & even they didn’t hang around long. But the weather was now becoming unbearable & my body was exhausted from my extensive walk. “I’m already going to hell.” I thought. “Might as well do it properly.”

No Bella don’t do this. Bella, please. Please Bella, don’t do this.”

There came that beautiful voice in my head, just the same as this morning, melodious & exquisite as always. The only difference was that this time I was certain that the voice was a figment of my imagination. This had happened on several occasions before anytime, I had been close or had done something that was hazardous or imperil, I had been reminded of my Edward. Of his soft glorious voice. How over-protective he could be. It should have scared me, put me off doing stupid silly dangerous things. But I found myself wanting to find danger just to hear his voice.

I have to.” I replied to him, silently in my head. Though even I didn’t know why I had to. It was dangerous, no doubt about, but even so it was a gamble, Edwards voice would surely fade after a while & then I would be left just as heart-broken & defeated as before.

I slowly walked into the shabby diminutive bar, my heart beating loudly in my throat, the only thing stopping it was Edwards pleading voice in my imagination. It was just how I’d expected, like the sort of bar you saw in gangster films, the walls were dirty with pealing green patterned wall paper, the tables all a rotting dark oak wood, the carpet was a blood red changing in places where previous drinks & who knows what else had been spilt and a fog of smoke enclosed the atmosphere, making my throat immediately tighten with the vigorous smell. But nothing about the scenery was worse than the people sitting inside it, though all different they all seemed somehow the same, a gang of teenagers not much older than freshmen in high school sat in the very corner their eyes dazed & eclectic, on the table in front of them lay tiny sections of white powder, a group of big muscular Emmett like men sat to their left, pint glasses cluttered their table, a scruffy looking man wearing an oversized mackintosh coat, with bulging pockets, I could only guess what was inside them, two women one possibly in her late 20s or 30s, the other looked barely out of childhood, both wearing thick makeup & as little clothes as possible & smoking what looked like cigarettes but I couldn’t be certain and then there was the barman a middle aged man with tattoos that covered every inch of his bulging tanned arms, a white scar was clearly visible on the left side of his cheek. What’s worse was they were all staring intensively at me. I wanted to run, run as far away as I possibly could, but that really would just show the world the coward I had always been.

So I walked slowly & surely to the bar, avoiding all eye contact with any of these unwelcoming strangers.

Bella please, Bella.” His voice in my head continued. “Just run Bella, this isn’t safe”

I sat myself down, on the furthest seat I could find from the ogling eyes & the closest seat to the door. I laid my head down on the filthy bar table, my hair covering my sight, letting the tears yet again rush silently down my face.

Bella for me. Just get out of here Bella for me. These people…This place…it’s just not safe. Run Bella, while you can. Please Bella, Please.”

But he was the reason I didn’t want to leave. To here his voice, though I may be crazy, I didn’t care, his voice I needed his voice. I needed him.

“What can I get you?”

I barely noticed the faint gruff voice. I looked up to see the creepy barman with the tattoos & the endearing scar. He seemed to be impatient, maybe he’d been there a while.

“Anything,” I muttered. “Anything…” Then I though about it, how I could possibly make this all go away. It wasn‘t as if It was illegal now anyway, I was 21 after all. “Anything strong.”

He nodded almost sympathetically, I suddenly didn’t feel so scared by this creepy barman, in fact I felt a little guilty my Mom had always told me to ‘not judge a book by its cover’ but that was exactly was I had done.

When he returned back to behind the bar, I was free to put my head down & let my mind wonder again.

My mind lingered back to Jacob, the guilt that I felt for not being able to love him, like I loved Edward. I forced myself to picture myself in that wedding scene, I had imagined, Charlie’s arm wrapped around mine, Rayen in a purple bridesmaid dress replacing my beloved Alice, the ceremony in a small church rather than the Cullen’s magnificent manor house and this time the groom was Jacob, my best friend, my Jacob. It was the way it was meant to be, the way that it could’ve been & if Jacob accepted me for the fool that I was, then it still could’ve been that way but still it didn’t feel right & as I imagined myself walking up the aisle Jacobs skin started to slowly turn a luminous pale white, his eyes a striking golden sparkle, his hair an unusual bronze & pretty soon he was replaced entirely by my Edward.

His voice was gone now from my head, I was left with just the silence of my thoughts & vague memories. I wanted nothing more for it to come back, but that just proved me even more insane, wanting something that wasn’t even real.

The barman was back now, he placed down a long thin glass, inside it was a transparent clear liquid and I was pretty sure it wasn’t water. I looked at it for several moments. Alcohol wasn’t normally something I tolerated, but giving the circumstances I wanted it more than anything. I took hold of the glass, held it up to give it one last look, then drank it as quick as I could deem possible, when the glass reached the table again, only seconds later, it was empty. The taste was disgusting in my mouth, it burned my throats, it could’ve been acid for all I knew & I was glad when It was empty, but somehow that still kept me wanting more.

The barman still stood there, he had a pleased somewhat satisfied looked on his face, this again should of frightened me but I head was spinning slightly from the drink & I my thoughts were still elsewhere.

“Another?” he asked.

I nodded gratefully. The temptation of unknown drink, was slowly yet surely fading my memories of the previous day, acting like my very own comfort blanket.

He quickly brought me another, faster than he had taken to get me the first & that wasn’t to be the last I had that evening, not by a long shot.

As the night went on & the alcohol was starting to take effect & my thoughts became jumbled but still directed to one subject, one place, one person - him.

Just as I had downed my 5th or could it have been 6th glass of this still unidentified beverage, the tall scruffy man in the long coat, walked over to my table & sat himself at the closest seat to me, uninvited.

He didn’t speak , just peered upon me as if judging my every move, biting his lip hard as he made a decision. He pulled out a small plastic bag, containing the same white powder, than the teenagers in the corner had previously had on his table. I may not have been in a bar like this before, but I knew exactly what this dust-like substance was & I knew exactly what he was asking me, no words need be used. The voice returned.

Bella no, Bella no, no Bella please, anything but this.”

I looked at the tiny plastic package. The sensible girl inside me would never agree to this, Bella would never do such a thing, but tonight I didn’t feel like Bella, a felt like just a soul, a mere soul, a lost soul. Nevertheless, this would be probably be the most dangerous things I would ever do, If I did something wrong I could kill myself, yet somehow now that didn’t seem like such a big threat, part of me wanted to die & that part was becoming more & more dominant. Edwards voice still rung in my head, begging, pleading, that I wouldn’t & yet that was beginning to convince me more, danger triggered his voice that was apparent & what was more dangerous than drug abuse.

The dealer waited patiently, It was evident that I wasn’t the first to react like this.

I imagined what it would be like if I did take it. Would it really make the pain go away? Would it really make it better? Or Would it just make it even worse? That was the question. I would upset my parents that would be obvious & Rayen & Jacob, oh my poor Jacob, had I not hurt him enough this afternoon. And If, that was the big thing IF it did end up killing me? It wouldn’t bother me, but it would be essentially selfish of me to do so, I would hurt more people than just myself, that was the big problem.

Eventually Bella won the fight, the soul though still dominant gave in. I shook my head to the dealer. No matter how hard my life may be at the moment I thought I will not give in. He looked disappointed, though not at all shocked & walked back over to the cluster of youngsters in the corner of the room. His voice faded away to nothing again.

I beckoned to the landlord & within seconds he had produced me my clear alcoholic potion.