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Insomnia

Summary:
Edward never returned in New Moon. Bella is celebrating her 21st brithday & is finally ready to get on with her life. But then strange occurunces throught out the day, make her doubt her own sanity. Could Edward really be back?


Notes:
Ok so this story came to me over a period of Insomnia one night (hence the title). It started off as a oneshot, but then developed into so much more. I became so obsessed with the fic, in the next following weeks, that I even started to dream about it & infact chapter 10, is actually loosely based on a dream of mine. My first ever twilight fanfiction that I ever wrote, hope you like. =D


9. Chapter 9 Choices (EPOV)

Rating 4.3/5   Word Count 3338   Review this Chapter

Edwards POV

She lay there in my arms, unconscious. Not dead, no not dead, I had to keeping telling myself, just unconscious just unconscious but as I looked at her immobile body, I knew that she wasn’t far off.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. For the 1st time since becoming a vampire, probably he 1st time ever, I felt like an emotional wreck. The person I loved lay there dieing in my arms, yet I felt like I couldn’t move felt like nothing else mattered. The blood that poured from her intensified & the smell was all too tempting, it disgusted me. How could I be such a monster? After everything that had happened the smell, was almost still unbearable for me. But I fought against it, I fought against it for Bella, my Bella, she would not die at my hands, I would never let myself do that. I loved her, after all these years apart, thinking the pain would surely ease, I still loved just the same as I had back then, could it even be possible that I loved her more.

I recalled the events in my head. Could this truly have happened because of me? I had been foolish, to return this morning, extremely foolish, just because of my own selfishness. I had led myself here, without even thinking of the consequences. She had moved on, she had healed over time unlike my delusional self, she had friends, she went to college & she had that Jacob, as I had heard in that girl Rayens thoughts he planned to propose to her. Me coming back this morning, saying those words to her, it had turned her world upside down. Why else would she have said my surname allowed in class? Why else would she have refused his proposal? Why else would she have been here, in this part of town? Why else?

I must have been truly a nightmare for her. A ghost from the past. Something that she had tried to forget. A man who had just left her, left her without any warning or not even so much as a word since. She must detest me. I would detest me. I do detest me.

And yet she had said she loved me, twice even, she had said as clear as a cloudless night, that she still loved & that she would always love me. The words were so beautiful coming from her but I just couldn’t see it. How could she still love me? I was a monster, a monster in the way in lived, a monster to be so selfish as to love her, a monster to involve her in my world, a monster to deny her so her so much as I had done, a monster to have left the way I did. I was a monster. How could anyone love a monster?

What’s worse is that If I hadn’t have been so selfish as to return to her, to see her one last time, to bade her one last final goodbye before I left her truly forever, she would have died at the hand of that murderer, that sick minded twisted man, just seeing his thoughts in my mind had been enough to want to kill him, but I didn’t kill him, I didn’t kill him for my Bella, he was now rotting up near the mountains far from her, waiting unknowingly to be arrested. If perhaps I had watched her, stayed close to her, throughout the day, then perhaps these circumstances would be different. But I was a coward, too cowardly for words, part of me didn’t want to see how she lived now, didn’t want to see her close with this Jacob, for I knew I would mostly certainly be jealous & part of me simply just wanted to whisk her away & bring her back to me, start where we had left off. That would have most insensible, not to mention childish & egocentric. I couldn’t drag Bella away from reality, not again. So I ran & I ran & I ran until I unintentionally reached the meadow, my meadow, no not my meadow, it hadn’t been for a long time just my meadow, it was our meadow, a piece of both of us. And that was where I stayed, for hours, stupidly daydreaming of what had been & what could never be. And just as I had returned, I had saw his thoughts, ripping her clothes off, having her & then killing her, without another thought, then hiding her where he had hid all those other girls. The very idea of it, made me even more furious.

Then I had saved her, that was one thing I was grateful for myself for doing, for saving my Bella, for his evil clutches. And she had jumped into my arms as if I had been only gone 3 day never mind 3 years & we had kissed, no we had more than kissed, I had never kissed her like that before, the feeling had suddenly come over me when she was so near, I could have killed her at that very moment, I should have been more cautious, but that selfish part of me took control once more & all that seemed to matter to me, was that I was with her.

As that scumbag, had started to regain consciousness behind us, I all to soon broke apart from her. The sensible side of me had returned & I knew it was too dangerous for her to be there, so I walked her across the road before I did what was to be done. I had walked her across the road to the safer busy street front & assured her, for I owed her for this at least, that I would return to her.

Then I had returned, I had stood there several seconds, just admiring her, admiring her beauty, admiring her uniqueness, admiring the love glowed from her when she looked at me, until she saw me. She stepped out on to the road, she wasn’t looking for the traffic & to be honest neither was I, we both were just intoxicated by each other. It was then that I heard the drivers thoughts, he saw Bella straight in front of him. I ran to her in breakneck speed, not caring about who saw & what effect it might have afterwards, just caring about getting to her. But I was too late, even with my speed I was too late, the car had already knocked her with a great force to the ground. She lay there blood oozing out of her.

And now she lay here in my arms slowly dieing.

Many humans, had now come out to view the scene. I could hear their thoughts in their heads, some were wondering about how quickly I how quickly I had got there, some wondered if the driver had been drinking, some wondered if Bella had but every single one of them, thought the same thing, that the girl that lay silently in my arms was going to die.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. A short chubby middle aged woman, dressed in a too small waitresses outfit, stood by my side. I had heard the woman coming towards me, heard her thoughts of the incident but had otherwise ignored her, ignored everyone apart from the girl in my arms.

It was then that I really heard what the woman was thinking, that I really paid attention to her, her thoughts were different from the others. She was praying.

Please save this poor girl, this poor innocent girl, lord. She is barely out of childhood & look at this poor boy, he loves her, you can see it in his eyes, don’t take this girl away from him. She is like my Josie lord, she’d be around the same age now, please bless her lord & save her, save her for this boy. Don’t let her go the same way as Josie.

I saw a memory replay in the woman’s mind. A young girl - Josie- barely six or seven years old, skipping over with a rope in hand, down a country path, while her mother, the woman dawdled along behind her with an elderly man, carrying several shopping bags. A teenager on a motorbike, at least tripling the speed limit on the small country road, wobbling on it ever so slightly from the speed, a woman behind him holding tightly to his waist both are quite clearly intoxicated, neither wearing helmets. The motorbike loses control at the bend, steering off onto the path, straight into the path of the girl. All 3 are dead instantly.

The woman leans herself to face me, her eyes are swollen with tears & I’m surprised to hear in my mind that they are not just for that little girl, that aren’t even for Bella, they are for me, because she knows what it feels like to lose someone. She has felt that never-ending pain, she has seen the only person she loves die in front of her eyes & now cares for me, of all people, that she doesn’t want me to endure her unhappiness that she has for 15 years lived with.

“It’ll be ok. You’ve got to believe that it’ll be ok. All you have to do is believe.” she said, her voice soft & gentle, almost comforting, it was backed by her thoughts which were even more pure & angelic.

She lifted my chin up with her stubby index finger & took in every aspect of my face. She took my face into her hands & stroked in gently with her fingers. I wondered how she felt comfortable being so close to me, it was normal human instinct to keep as far away as possible & how she could withstand the frosty temperature of my skin, already in this dreadful storm, but neither thought crossed her mind. She continued praying, praying for Bella’s survival.

And surprisingly I found myself praying with her.

I heard a call from behind us. I didn’t look up to see who that person was, I didn’t need to, I already saw him in the minds of the others that surrounded us. A scraggy looking teenager, wearing overly baggy jeans & t-shirt, complete with dreadlocks. Normally most of these people wouldn’t have given this boy the time of day, but all stared at him now intently, hanging on his every word.

“We’ve called an ambulance, it should be here soon.”

The woman’s thoughts changed, suddenly she was more determined. She started rooting in her mind, finding the lost medical knowledge she had, had from her days as a nurse, the days before the day with Josie.

Soon, isn’t soon enough. The ambulance will take at least 10 maybe 15 minutes to get here. This poor girl had barely a few minutes to live. The boys the only one who can save her. He’s her only hope. He must do everything in his power to save her.

And suddenly I knew what I had to do.

The woman, now replayed in her mind the scene when I had ran over to Bella, the coldness of my touch, my immobile stature whilst I held Bella close to me. This woman, knew I wasn’t human, she knew I had it in my power to save Bella.

And she was right. But she was also wrong, this woman believed that I was a gift from god, that I was in a sort some kind of angel, that I was full of goodness, of love, of hope. She thought of me as an angel, where as I was really as far away from being an angel than it was possible. I was more of a monster, no worse a demon.

I would have to change Bella, change her to become one of us, to become like me. Otherwise she would have little hope of survival. She had once said she wanted this more than anything else, she had once almost begged me to do this to her, to make her a monster. But had times had changed, she had practically almost moved on, she was now leading a normal life. Could I really take it away from her? Could she still want this for herself? Or would she just come to loathe me for doing it to her, loathe me for the thirst, for the distance she would now have to make between herself & her family & friends, loathe me for turning her whole world upside again. Could after all this time she possibly prefer death?

I was stuck between the ideas could I leave her as she is, risk her dieing right now in my arms, for that little hope that she could pull through & still carry on her human life. Or would I risk, turning her, knowing that if I did succeed then she could quite possibly hate me for it or worse not being able to stop & killing her at my own hands.

I had always made a promise to myself. That life could not be worth bearing with out Bella & that when she died, I would die myself. I had contemplated the thought, many a time, since I’d left. How I would commit suicide, was always the harder issue, the only way I surely believe is if I somehow infuriated the Volturi. That would mean going all the way over to Italy though & I wanted more than anything to die together with Bella.

I looked at her body, still lying, just as she had when she slept. Even now she seemed the most interesting, the most beautiful of people in the world. To me, no one, no vampire could even compare to her.

“You have to try,” the woman whispered gently. “You have to try.”

She was unaware of what it was I did have to try, but I knew exactly what it was & the thought pained me, seeing her overcome the brutal throbbing of the change, knowing that she would want nothing more at that moment to die.

But the woman was right, Bella was slipping through my fingers at that very instance, her chances of survival were clearly slim, even to a human. I had to try.

I stood up, Bella holding Bella still tight to my chest, several members of the crowd were shocked by my sudden movement, but It didn’t even bother me, not now.

“I have to try & save her.” I spoke to all of those surrounding me, my voice sounded weak, almost human.

And though all were still stunned, they understood me, they understood that the ambulance wouldn’t be there on time & most of all they understood the love I had for Bella. For that I was grateful.

I ran with Bella in my arms, all eyes of the crowd still watching me, back down the alley, of where this all started, at an practically human pace, until I was certain that no human eyes still lingered on us & ran as fast as I could deem possible, up into the hills on the Olympic national park.

I lay her unconscious body down on the forest floor. I could still hear her heart still pumping her blood through her veins, the sound seemed so beautiful & this would be the last time I would ever hear it.

I sat myself next to her, stroking her hair. I needed to be ready for this, I needed to make sure I could do this right, I needed to make sure that I wouldn’t kill her.

I took a few unnecessary deep breaths to calm myself. I lent in towards her slow even for human speed, her smell so luscious & tempting, I hated myself for it. I bent myself slightly closer to her, inches away from her neck. I sighed, then pulled myself down for the moment.

Edward wait.

I shot myself back up, this time at vampire speed. It was Alice, my sister. I hadn’t seen her in over 2 and a half years, those first few months I had visited but being around my family, just made matters worse. These days I preferred merely my own company. I had been so preoccupied with the task that I was going to proceed, that I had barely even paid attention to my power & now noticed that she had been calling to me silently for several minutes.

She was by my side now. Her wide gaze, full of worry.

You’re not ready for this Edward you’re not. You don’t want this to happen, not yet. You want it to be her decision. You want to be sure this is the right thing to do & right now you don’t believe it is.

I duck my head in shame, at how right my sister is. When had I become so easy to read?

I merely let out a murmur.

“But she’ll die.”

She won’t if we save her.

I then I see it in Alice’s mind. Her vision. Bella’s, lying in the bed of Olympic Memorial, she’s motionless but the heart monitor keeps on beating, a sign that she lives.

Lets take her.

I scoop her back up into my arms. I felt that if it were possible to cry, right now I most certainly would. I look at her & feel a light of hope, now filling that dark horizon.

Bella would live & that is all that would matter to me. From now on, I would give her what she wanted, for it was all that she deserved. Anything & everything from me, as long I was sure she wanted it, for my Bella deserved happiness.

And if that meant choosing her normal life, over me I would give it to her. If I could I would give her the world, for she gave me her life & that’s all that matters to me. As long as she lives & she is happy, I’m happy.

As we set off to run towards the hospital, Alice turned to look at me. I saw her vision just as well as she did.

It is an old vision, I have seen it several times before, but not in a long time, not since I, we had left Forks that day.

Bella & Alice arms wrapped around each other, both clearly the best of friends. Alice still stayed exactly the way that I saw her before now, but Bella’s skin was now even paler than before & it sparkled in the sun, her hair had now turned a darker, her features had become even more enhanced & the most startling of all were her deep crimson irises of her wide eyes.

This vision had infuriated me before, I couldn’t bare to think of Bella as a soulless monster, but I had reassured myself that from now on I would only do what she wanted & if this was what she wanted, then no matter how much it pained me, her wish for forever be my command.

If will happen Alice silently confirmed. I’m unsure when, or where, or how? But it will. I think it was always destined to be.

“Now you really do sound like one of those phoney carnival psychics.” I smiled back at her. It had been so long since I’d seen my crazy sister & I found that I had missed her too.

She laughed, nudging me gently, trying not to hurt Bella. She spoke aloud for the first time that evening.

“Yeah I guess.” She looked up at me. “I know who though.”

She saw me hand in hand with Bella, back in our meadow, it seemed like a vision of the past but I knew that it was a vision of the future. The little light of hope, grew deeper inside me.

“Yeah, so do I.”

We both ran off full speed down towards the hospital. The feeling of Bella’s warmth close to me, comforted me, after everything I was just glad to be near her again.

Alice didn’t think much as we ran & found myself getting distracted, I found myself hoping for the future. I found myself for the 2nd time that night praying.