Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance
After 5 years of rebuilding his life and putting the pieces back together, everything falls apart once again when she comes storming back into his life. Alice/Jasper - AU and AH
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. I am not, will never be and never was Stephenie Meyer. This is an Alice Jasper AU and AH story. And also my first Twilight story.
11. Chapter 11
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CHAPTER ELEVEN: Changes
I thought you'd be out of my mind
And I'd finally found a way to learn to live without you
I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons, not to think about you
But it's just not so
And after all this time,
I still can't let go I've still got your face, painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul, etched upon my memory baby
And I've got your kiss, still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips, is love so deep inside of me
-Painted on my Heart by The Cult
I was driving back home, weirdly exhausted from the day. And what a day it was. I smiled tenderly, remembering the tiny bundle of joy. She was adorable, with her bright blue eyes and those small lips and tiny nose. I was glad Amber was finally here, I had been afraid and nervous before, and not sure what I thought about the baby and how I would react to her, but when I held her in my arms, it just felt so right. She was perfect.
Alice did a wonderful job, I was so proud. She was so small and there were moments I had been really worried something might go wrong. But everything went fine, and I felt an immense relief. I just wanted to sit down and take a couple of deep breaths. I looked at my hand behind the wheel, which still felt a little bit sore. For a little pixie she sure had a strong hold.
Suddenly my phone rang. I picked it up, hoping nothing was wrong with Alice or Amber.
“Hello,” I said. I didn’t even look at the caller’s ID in my rush to pick up the phone.
“You are on speaker,” a very angry Bella was on the other line, presumably with Edward beside her.
“Ok,” I answered her hesitantly.
“Now, would you care to explain why Emmett called us and told us Alice has given birth?” she practically yelled.
“Calm down,” Edward said to her but turned his attention right back to me. “Jasper?”
“Really Edward, how I am suppose to be calm if Emmett – Emmett just called and told me Alice has a baby girl?! Alice, Edward. Remember? We haven’t heard from her in 5 years. We didn’t even know she was back, nobody told us anything. We don’t know how she is, where she was, what she had been doing and why she is back. We don’t know anything.” Bella said frantically.
“That is why we are calling Jasper now, so he can explain.” Edward tried to calm her down. I was quiet, not wanting to say anything, because that would just make Bella yell some more, at me directly this time. I couldn’t believe no one told them about Alice; I would have thought Rose called them all. I guess not.
“Jasper,” Edward was directing the question back to me. “Would you please explain?”
I sighed. “Alice came back.”
“No kidding,” I heard Bella in the background.
“She came back a couple of weeks ago …,” I tried to explain, but Bella interrupted me again.
“Weeks,” Bella screeched.
“Shh,” Edward said to her. “Let him explain.”
“Fine,” Bella muttered.
“As I was saying, Alice came back a couple of weeks ago, pregnant, looking for a place to stay, because her family had turned her down. I couldn’t send her away, so she stayed and went in to labor earlier today and gave birth to a baby girl.” I explained matter-of-factly.
There was silence for a minute, when Bella said. “That is it? Are you kidding me? Do you seriously believe three sentences will be enough? Dish. And why didn’t her family take her back? Are they crazy?”
“Well, they said that she left them once and is therefore not welcomed back,” I sighed, “You know how they always were. I wasn’t even that surprised they reacted this way. I was just hoping Cynthia would be acting different, but considering her age and the influence of her parents it is kind of understandable.”
“You’re right about that. And we never liked them anyway, they were always so stuck up,” Edward said. And whispered to Bella, “Stop fidgeting.”
“And so Alice came to me. I think she was just afraid to bother you, considering the past events. Anyway, I don’t know why she left all those years ago. I still don’t know much yet, but I am planning on finding out.”
“And she came to you instead? Humph.” Bella asked not quite convinced.
“Yes.” I answered, not bothering to elaborate.
“How is she doing, Jasper? Has she changed? And what does the baby look like?” Bella said, more excited.
“She is fine and yes, she has changed. When she first came here, she was a completely different person; she seemed so lost and lifeless. But she is getting better now.” I heard Edward mutter something to Bella, but I didn’t catch what exactly. She just giggled and I rolled my eyes.
“The baby is adorable; you should come and see her.” I said. What the hell, the more, the merrier. I could already imagine Bella holding Amber, she was so careful, when Rose gave birth to the twins, terrified she’d drop them or that she’d slip and fall with one of them in her arms. Which wasn’t that unlikely actually, so she just sat there in the beginning, almost not daring to move.
“We would love to, but we can’t just yet. The exam period is starting and I’ll have a lot of work. But we’ll try to get there as soon as possible. And we’ll call Alice as soon as she gets back from the hospital, ok?” Edward explained in an apologetic voice.
“Sure.” I said. Alice had enough to deal with Rosalie at the moment anyway.
“Are you ok, Jasper?” Bella asked concerned.
“I won’t say this hasn’t been an emotional roller coaster, but you know what, I am actually fine,” I answered her and realized it was true – I really was fine.
“Ok, we’ll talk to you later. If you need anything, let us know.” Edward said, and thanked him. Before I hung up I heard Bella in the background, telling Edward she wasn’t done yet. I quickly hung up.
I arrived at home only minutes later and grabbed myself something to eat. I changed into some sweat pants and a T-shirt and turned on some music. Music always helped me relax. But as the song Painted on my heart by The Cult came on, I realized how the lyrics fit my situation.
I have tried so hard to put everything behind me and to forget her. But I just couldn’t do it. I have been getting better in the last couple of months but I was nowhere near happy or ok. And then she came back and all the emotions and feelings returned. And I was conflicted about her, about her feelings and my feelings and I waited too long. And when I finally asked her about the baby, I caused her to go into labor.
I stood up and went outside; I needed some fresh air to clear my head. I went to the back of the house, where some sort of a workshop was situated and started working on something to occupy my mind. But it didn’t help.
My thoughts returned to earlier today, when she said she has slept with that guy because he looked like me. What did she mean by that? Was she still thinking about me? But why did she leave then? I didn’t understand. And that pissed me off.
I took of my shirt and continued working on the wood. Did that mean that she still has feelings for me? I suddenly felt a tiny flicker of hope. But it couldn’t be, could it? But why would she sleep with a guy that supposedly looked like me? There was so much pain in her voice. And she regretted saying it out loud the second her words left her mouth, I could see that, but I was too stunned to say anything. And then her water broke.
I smiled, she was so happy when mom and dad came. She must have been afraid they would reject her, silly. I was a little bit nervous about Rose being there with her. Maybe it would have been better if I had stayed the night and not Rose. Hopefully she won’t do anything stupid, impulsive as she was.
I went inside to grab a beer but returned in a minute. I needed something to occupy my hands. My mind was set on its own course, and there was nothing I could do about that. I kept wondering what went wrong all those years ago. And when I thought back on the last two months before Alice left, I remembered that she acted a little bit strange occasionally. And suddenly I realized I was probably the reason. I just didn’t know why, but now that I realized this, I planned on finding out the whole thing.
I wondered why I hadn’t considered this earlier. I always thought she was acting strange because of the accident she had. Two months before we broke up, Alice was in a train accident. It was nothing major, the train just suddenly stopped and because Alice was already standing, not holding on to anything, just waiting to get off on the next station. She wasn’t expecting such a swift stop, so she bumped her head into a pole on the train. Everything was ok at first, but then she started noticing she couldn’t remember some things from her past, and that frustrated her. We took her to the doctor, but he said everything would be fine in some time. The collision with the pole caused a small swelling and a minor memory loss was normal and expected. She shouldn’t worry about anything, he had said.
So I thought it was completely normal, when she was sad one day and hyper the next one. I thought she was worried about her memory, but now that I think about it; that probably wasn’t the case. There was something else and I intended to find out what. Alice has come back into my life; it was her decision. And now she was here, they both were and I wanted to be there for them, I wanted to take care of them. To hell with all pride and dignity, I would fight for her. Cause I wanted her back. She didn’t belong with anyone else; her place was right at my side. And even though Amber was not my daughter, I wanted her, too. I felt this connection with her when I first held her in my arms, and I wanted her in my life. She was Alice’s child. She was a part of Alice.
I didn’t know why Alice left, but I would do my best to win her back. If she didn’t have any feelings for me left and she broke it off, because she didn’t want me, then I would let her be. But the thing that she slept with that guy because he looked like me bothered me and told me there must be something else behind this thing and she must have some feelings left. Something went terribly wrong all those years ago and I planned on making it right.
I remembered how perfect she felt in my arms, she belonged there. And it has been way too long already. And I remembered how good it felt when she looked me in the eyes, her love evident in her gaze. I wanted that back, too.
I stopped working and looked at what I was actually doing for the first time. I was so engulfed in my thoughts; I haven’t been paying any attention to the wood. But there in front of me stood a crib. I have made a crib for Amber without thinking about it. It wasn’t finished yet, so I went to get some more tools to finish the work and perfect a little bit.
Alice hasn’t bought a crib the day we went shopping, and we agreed she would order it online. But she hasn’t yet, and she would need one now, so I hoped she’d like this one. It was simple, but solid and strong. I went to get some paint, and I only had white, black and brown. I chose white.
While I painted it, I remembered it would be nice if I prepared some things for baby girl. When I was done with the crib, I left it outside to dry and lose some of the paint smell. I was all sweaty and I somehow managed to get some paint on myself as well, so I decided it was best to take a shower before I did anything else.
I was already shirtless, so all I needed to do was take my pants and boxers off. I stepped into the hot shower and started to plan.
The feeling of when I first held Amber in my hands was amazing. Indescribable really. I just took a look at her and forgot about all the problems and all the pain I have gone through. Of course I was still sore and it hurt a lot, but it didn’t matter anymore. Because I got her in return. She was my little miracle and the moment she looked up at me with those blue eyes I fell in love with her.
She was mine and I would do anything to make her happy and keep her safe. I was so happy that Jasper was with me during the labor, for I have been really scared. You can never be sure how things are going to work out, the future is always subjective. And even though it might have been uncomfortable for him, he still stayed. I had no idea how I would ever repay him.
Carlisle and Esme were amazing. I was so happy that they both came to see me. It was a little overwhelming seeing them both again. And unlike my blood family, they have accepted me back open-armed. I needed to apologize to them and explain some things. They deserved to know the truth. But I wanted to discuss it with Jasper first.
And Rosalie, I would have never thought it possible for her to come. It was true that we have been close, but Rose was one who blamed you if you did something wrong in her eyes, and she has always been closest to Jasper. She was protective and I know she must have been angry with me for leaving without a goodbye. I would have been too.
She was currently sitting in the chair by my bed, napping. She was so beautiful. She has always been the bell of the ball so to say, with her long blond hair, violet eyes and womanly curves. But she was different now, she was a mother and she had that glow around herself. She was happy and content and I couldn’t be more glad. She really deserved it. A lot of people at school and in town were surprised when she first started to date Emmett, thinking she deserved better. But they were all wrong, because Emmett was perfect for her.
I must have fallen asleep before, because the last thing I remembered was Jasper holding Amber. He looked like a natural and Amber seemed to fit perfectly in his arms. I looked at my baby, lying there, neatly tucked it. She suddenly started to fuzz and I took her in my arms. Rose woke up immediately, “Looks like someone is hungry.”
“She might be. I just have no idea how to do this,” I said to her. Rose got up and helped me position Amber and feed her.
“See, not that hard. Just be prepared, she might have some difficulties in the beginning. When I had Jack and Ella, he started eating immediately, while Ella wouldn’t play along for three days.”
“Thank you, for helping and for coming,” I said to her. She must know that meant a lot to me.
“Sure,” she smiled and sat back down. “I didn’t want to miss it. By the way, does she have a name yet?”
I suddenly got nervous. I didn’t know what Rosalie would think and although it seemed like a great idea at first, I wasn’t so sure anymore. But it was her name and she would find out soon anyway.
“Yeah, she does. Her name is Amber Rose.” I said.
“Amber, what a bea …” she started but the looked up at me. “Rose,” she asked.
“Yeah, I wanted to name her after her favorite aunt. If you are ok with it and want to be her aunt,” I added. A little sucking up never hurt anyone, although I didn’t want to force her into this, it just came out. Lots of things just came out of me lately.
“Of course I want to,” Rose smiled. She looked really touched. “Bella is going to have some serious competition.” She and Bella didn’t get along well at first, but when Rose got to know her better, she accepted her into our group and they have been friends since.
She smiled at Amber and was silent for a minute, but then her smile disappeared and she added, “And now I can’t yell at you.”
Ah, I knew this was coming. Rose was not known for her patience.
“Look, Rose, I know I hurt you when I left. I know I hurt everyone, but I just couldn’t stand to stay here, it was all too much. I needed to go and start fresh. It hurt too much,” I admitted. I have never said this out loud before and it was a relief to do it.
“But why Alice, what were you thinking, that wasn’t anything like you,” Rose persisted in a lower voice, because she didn’t want to disturb Amber. “We were all so confused at first, no one really knew what happened. One day you were there and the next day you were gone. Without a word, Alice.”
“I know and I am sorry,” I apologized.
“Sorry doesn’t do it, Alice. You don’t know what a mess you have left behind.” Rose hissed.
“I don’t wan to talk about what happened, I really need to discuss it with Jasper first, but I just couldn’t do it anymore, Rose.” I pleaded.
“Fine, I won’t ask why yet, cause Jasper frankly outright forbid it, although I can’t promise you much. But you need to tell me something; I need some answers, Alice. Because you disappeared into thin air. Even though Jasper lets you be, I won’t, you need to explain yourself.”
“He broke my heart, Rose. And I loved him too much to be able to just stand there and let it happen, and so I decided to take off and leave everything behind me,” I sobbed. Painful memories were returning.
“What do you mean he broke your heart?” Rose asked bewildered.
“I don’t want to talk about that part, but he did it. And I couldn’t stand it anymore, ok, I had to leave.” I tried to make her understand.
“As far as I know you broke his heart,” Rose said confused and a bit annoyed.
I looked up surprised. “No, it was the other way around.” I insisted. “I just never talked to him about it.”
“Are you sure, because from where I was standing, things looked pretty different. You haven’t seen him, Alice, he was devastated.” Rose has always been protective of her twin, and she didn’t know what happened, so I didn’t blame her.
“Yes, I am sure.” I wouldn’t give up. I didn’t even want to think about the possibility that I was wrong. I knew what happened, I was there.
“Well, I am not convinced. You came back, Alice, and you asked Jasper for help. That has to mean something. And I’ll give you an advice,” she said, what in Rose language meant ‘I’ll tell you what to do’.
“You will probably be a little busy with Amber, but you need to talk to him. You two have obviously tangled yourself in quiet a mess, and I have no idea how you managed to live together and not get this over yet, but you need to talk to him. Clear things up, and see what happens.” Rose explained in a tone that left no room for arguments.
“I know, ok. But I am scared.” I gave in. I knew perfectly well myself that we needed to talk about things.
“Well don’t be. What is the worst that could happen?” Rose asked. But she didn’t have so much at stake as I did.
I could lose him all over again. “He could threw me out,” I said. And it was true, we would get into a fight and I would get nowhere to go.
“He won’t. And even if he did, you can always stay with me and Emmett or with mom and dad.” She smiled, cause she knew I had no excuse anymore. And I didn’t have this talk earlier, because I was really afraid he would threw me back on the street, but now I got my friends back and no more excuses. I suddenly tried very hard to come up with more of them.
“You owe me, Alice, and you owe Jasper. Even though you think he broke your heart, I think you got some facts wrong.”
She was wrong, but I would need to talk to him. This couldn’t go on forever, as much as I have started to like it. It was cozy and it was safe. But everything could change.
“Fine, I promise I’ll talk to him soon.” And I would. Soon.
“Fine. Now tell me what you have been up to these past years,” Rose asked me. And I have. I have told her everything about how lonely I was after I left, but only wanted to forget everything, how I met Lauren and started working at the club and how I had the one-night-stand with a complete stranger. I didn’t mention that he looked like Jasper and I only slept with him because he brought back memories, of course. Rose listened intently to my whole story. It was interesting, how much easier it was to tell all of this Rose, and how hard it was to tell Jasper.
“You really have been through a lot, haven’t you?” Rose said to me. “I don’t even know what to say, and you know that is not often the case.” And it wasn’t, Rose always knew what to say. She always had something to say, and she did it without holding back.
“You could have just told me about it and let me help you, you do realize that,” she said. I know she was disappointed, but I couldn’t let her deal with my problems. She has done enough for me already, I didn’t want her to deal with this too, it was between Jasper and me. And yet she was here now, supporting me.
“I would have helped you. Even if you wanted to get away, I would have helped you with that. Any of us would.” I looked down, because I was ashamed. And maybe I did know that, but I didn’t think about that then, I just wanted to get away. I acted on instinct. “But you just ignored us all and left, Alice.”
“I’m sorry, Rose.” I apologized and I meant it. I have caused them pain and that was never my intention.
“I know you are. And you will make it up to me. But seriously, Alice, talk to Jasper, cause I think it would clear up a lot. I remember how Jasper was when you left, and he wasn’t better off than you were. He was in hell, I don’t think I am allowed to tell you this, but he was broken, Alice.” Rose told me. And I couldn’t believe it, could it be true? He probably just regretted his actions and losing me in his life. That sounded reasonable, and that was probably the case.
“I will,” I promised Rose and she nodded in return.
The rest of the night passed in comfortable chatter, sleeping, feeding and changing diapers. Rose told me a lot about her experience, what she has been through and how she handled it. She told me about Ella and Jack and gave me good advice about babies in general and babies at this early age. The most important thing she told me was that I should nap whenever Amber slept. Live would be busy for the first couple of months, but it would get easier once I got used to it all. And I was looking forward to it all, I loved my baby dearly and wanted to take good care of her.
Rose also told me about Emmett and how he has been during all these years and he good he was with the twins. And how careful both Edward and Bella were with them. Esme and Carlisle were proud grandparents, although they have complained they were to young to be ones. When talking to Rosalie like that, I realized once again, how I have missed them all and that just maybe; I have done the wrong thing.
Rosalie went back home in the morning, saying she missed her babies, all three of them. But she promised we would stay in touch and see each other more regularly now, after all she just became an aunt.
“I have to call Emmett and let him know his niece if named after me,” she smiled proudly and kissed Amber goodbye, promising her she would be back soon.
After Rose went home, I listened to her advice and tried to nap a little, since Amber was currently asleep. A while later Carlisle and Esme came to visit us. And they brought presents – a lot of them.
“Good morning, dear,” Esme said lovingly. “How are you today?” Carlisle was right behind here, carrying bags in one hand and a big bear in the other.
“Morning, Alice,” Carlisle said and put the things on the counter by the window.
“Morning,” I answered them. “Did you buy the whole store?” I asked. I couldn’t believe it – it was quite overwhelming.
“Well, we figured,” Esme started and then corrected herself, “actually, I figured, you would need some stuff, so I brought you some magazines and baby books. And a couple of things for you and your peanut.” She looked down at Amber.
“Oh, Carlisle, look, isn’t she adorable,” she turned to her husband. “Can I hold her?” she asked me.
“Of course,” I smiled at her and Esme took Amber carefully, but lovingly in her arms.
“Hello, beautiful,” she said to her. Carlisle came closer and gushed down at Amber.
“Does she have a name yet,” he asked me and looked up at me.
“She does. Carlisle, Esme, meet Amber Rose.” I officially introduced them.
“What a beautiful name, dear,” Esme said and kissed Amber on the forehead.
“It really is, Alice. And I bet Rose is as proud as a peacock now,” he chuckled. “I have spoken to the nurse before we got in and asked about Amber and she told me everything was fine and she was a healthy little baby,” Carlisle told me.
“Thanks.” I knew she was doing fine, but it felt nice to be reassured. They both had a very calming aura around themselves, and I felt so at ease when they were present.
“I wanted to ask you something, Alice ,” Carlisle said. “Did anyone call your family and told them you gave birth?”
“No, Jasper offered, but I turned him down. The thing is that I am dead to them, and I don’t want to burden them furthermore. They don’t want anything to have to do with me, and I will just have to get used to that. It is not as if we have ever been close,” I explained. It was hard for me, but I would just have to deal with it. Plus, I had a really wonderful family right here.
“I am sorry to hear that, Alice. I wished they would have behaved differently, I never understood them why they acted like they did towards you,” Carlisle said apologetically, while Esme was looking at me reassuringly.
“They never wanted me, you know. When mom got pregnant with me, they had to get married, and neither wanted that. And I guess it was difficult for them to look at me every day and be reminded of their mistake,” I explained. I never told anyone about this, but it was so easy to talk to them.
Esme looked like she couldn’t believe what I was saying and Carlisle was just disappointed.
“Oh, dear,” Esme said and covered my hand with hers.
“That is just not right,” Carlisle added. “I wish I could talk some sense into them. Do you want me to talk to them,” he offered.
“Don’t bother, it won’t help,” I said, “but thank you for offering.” He didn’t look convinced, but decided to drop the subject.
“You know you’ll always have us, right,” Esme asked me. And I did, I knew that no matter what, they would always be on my side.
“I do. Thank you,” I said and smile affectionately at her.
“Now, can I hold my granddaughter, too?” Carlisle said teasingly and Esme handed her over unwillingly. I smiled; I was home.
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