i'll always be waiting for you
1. i'll always be waiting for you
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1288 Review this Chapter
Did I have any idea about what was to happen? Of course not. I spent those days worrying about nothing, living my life in ignorant bliss. How could I not have seen the tiniest hint of things to come? How could I be so blind and leave my family – and myself – so vulnerable to heartbreak?
It's all my fault. I should have known. My one skill, my one talent – the thing I always considered a curse – has failed me. A curse. I'd always wished to be free of the visions. Did I get my wish? I sure didn't get a vision of what would happen that day.
God, is this your sense of humor? Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke? Because I don't appreciate it.
I want Jasper back.
x x x
“You have to set your demons free” was what Alice always used to tell me. Urging. Ironically, I hardly listened to her at the time. What did she know of me and my demons?
But now, Alice seems like an evil spirit herself. It's so much worse because I can read her mind and understand exactly how she feels. Her face is drawn and haggard, her hair disheveled. Those eyes that were once so full of life are empty and dull, now. They're black – darker than I've ever seen them before – because she hasn't hunted since...since it happened.
Every time I see her, my dead heart misses a beat. Tortured sadness seeps into my mind, and I'm grateful I don't have Jasper's gift...
No. I can't -- it's too painful. But how can I stop myself when he's the one everyone is thinking about?
x x x
“You're the light of my life,” he said, and I giggled.
“I am?” Teasing.
“Of course, Alice. You're my everything.” He scooped me up into his arms and kissed me, my feet dangling a foot above the ground. Safe and secure. Nothing could happen to this love.
x x x
My poor child. My poor children.
Her sickness eats at my soul and twists my heart. The heart that Jasper used to say is still alive, against all odds. It hurts me to see her like this. Young Alice – where has her joy gone? She has always been the one to lift this family up whenever we despaired. Where has your happiness gone?
With Jasper – that's where.
Alice is almost never sad – even the smallest things in life usually make her happy. To see my child in such abject misery...She won't let anyone near her, not even Edward.
Oh, how I ache to wrap my arms around her...my poor child.
x x x
He was laying down on the bed on the side when I walked into the room we shared. I didn't say anything, and neither did he. But my heart was bursting with love for him, and I know he felt it. I laid down next to him and curled up on my side, his face inches from mine.
We sat there, in the quiet, studying each other. And then I suddenly laughed and said, “I love you.”
x x x
How can something like this happen to us? These stupid bodies are supposed to be invincible, indestructible...immortal. I can't believe that it's possible.
Maybe if I don't believe it, it won't turn out to be true.
So I have to believe that Jasper's still out there. Because if I'm anything, I'm stubborn. I'm not giving up on him. I won't give up on him if it's the last thing I do. My biggest fear is that if we stop believing, he'll be dead. And we would have been the ones to kill him.
What if accepting the worst is what we absolutely should not do?
What if my stubbornness is the only thing keeping him alive?
Hope is all we have now, I guess. And I'm not letting that go for anything.
x x x
“Jazz, I love you,” I whispered, the noise lost in the sounds of the high school cafeteria. And anyway, the humans wouldn't have been able to hear it if they were sitting as close as we were.
“Better not let anyone catch you saying that,” he murmured wryly. “We might get in serious trouble.”
“I want nothing more,” I muttered, “than to hug you and kiss you with all these teenagers watching.”
He laughed. “Me too.”
x x x
I can see it in Rosalie's eyes that she still believes. Still has faith that Jasper is alive. I don't want to tell her that there's no hope, and that there's no sense in hoping. But what good would that do? Hope never did a person wrong, especially in times like this. And right now, well, maybe it's better that she doesn't believe. Maybe she's happier that way.
I don't know what to do. Whenever anything's been wrong in the past, all I had to do was say something silly and stupid and everyone would smile. I miss hearing laughter in this house. I miss seeing that happy light in everyone's eyes...especially Alice's. She was always lighthearted. Now this place feels so depressing, it's choking me. It's impossible to say in the house for very long. I end up having to leave and wander the forest for a break from it.
Maybe I'm not trying to escape the sad atmosphere. Maybe I'm just running away from all the memories I have of Jasper in that house.
But psychology was never my thing.
x x x
I pulled him along by his hand. “Come on, you have to see this!”
He smiled and obligingly let me lead him to a clearing in the trees behind our house. It was twilight, and the stars were just coming out. Fireflies danced in the air, proudly showing off their bright lights. The red of the setting sun reflected off of our skin, making it sparkle like rubies.
“It's beautiful,” he breathed.
x x x
I have always put too much faith in myself, I suppose. I am the head of the family. I would have thought I could handle something like this.
But it's so difficult for all of us. I had never expected to go so completely and immediately out of control.
I must pull on that strength our family has always had. I only fear that in the absence of one of us, we may be irrevocably damaged. Can our family be brought back together again? Something in me doubts it. Something in me says it's impossible for us to be completely whole. And I don't want to do anything to change the fragile balance right now – what if I'm what makes everything worse? And in the guise of authority, no less.
Is it only the fear of having a family without Jasper that makes me hesitate?
x x x
I miss you so much, Jasper. It hurts so much without you. If you were here, I would be fine – you always made everything fine. I want to be near you and hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you.
I'm so afraid of never seeing you again.
I want you to love me. I want you to stand here and tell me that you love me.
Why won't you come home?