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Loch Ness Monster

Summary:
I believe that every teenage girl feels like a freak at some point on the road to adulthood. I, however, am a real freak. Nessie's story. Loch Ness Monster


Notes:


9. Gravity

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 3069   Review this Chapter

When I was very little, my father showed me the video of his wedding to my mother. I sat in his lap as he pointed out members of the family, and I noted each happily. I laughed when I saw Grandpa, nervously pushing himself down the aisle, and sighed in awe of my mother’s beauty.

I made no sound as I listened to my parents pledge their lives to each other--my mother with tears steaming down her face, and my father with tears in his voice. It was absolutely beautiful, and I wished with all my heart that I would one day find someone who I loved and who loved me nearly as much as my parents did each other.

“You’ll find it, Renesmee,” He smiled and whispered. He sounded so sure. My forehead creased with doubt, and he picked me up and turned me to face him. “You will,” he demanded. “And when you do, you’ll feel something that can’t be put into such a simple word as ‘love.’ There are no words for it. It completes you; you don’t realize how empty your life was until it happens. And when you find it, you won’t loose it, because you’re smarter than I am. You’ll keep it safe and hold it close to you forever, and you’ll be so happy.”

I smiled then, though he knew I still didn’t believe him.

“Jacob,” I whispered, his lips still on mine.

I was beginning to understand what he’d meant.

Gently, he placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me barely an inch away. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“What?” I could hardly breathe, the sensation was still fresh. It was so incredible—so new. I wanted him to kiss me forever.

“I should explain,” he said, unable to keep a small smile off his face. “Why don’t you sit down?”

“I don’t want to sit down,” I shook my head. “I want to…” I moved my face up to his, “…do that…again…”

He complied and kissed me again. I let my hands travel to his cheeks, then his hair. He held me firmly, a strong hand on my back and another on my face. Lost in sensation, I had somehow forgotten to think. What was going on? Jacob? JACOB!? Jacob, my best friend since the day of my birth!?

“Wait,” I reluctantly pulled away from him and moved to the opposite side of the cove. “I-I don’t…what was that?”

“Okay,” he smiled. “Now, the most important part of all this is that you don’t freak out, okay?”

I didn’t like the sound of that. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I shrugged. “Why are you not freaking out about this?” Suspicion appeared in my tone, “Did you plan this?”

“No!” he put his hands out as a show of innocence. “No, not at all, Carlie. I…I mean…well, not exactly.”

“Not exactly!” I threw my arms up. “You ‘not exactly’ planned this? What’s going on, Jacob?!”

“Remember what I said about not freaking out?” he smirked.

“Jacob!” I demanded, and my voice cracked. My body was so overwhelmed, but I hadn’t expected tears.

Instantly, his face fell. “No,” he whispered and moved over to me. “No tears. It’s okay.”

He reached for my shoulders, but I pushed him away, “Don’t…” But I wanted him to. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and… “Jacob,” I shook my head, breathless, “What’s going on?”

“Okay,” he sighed. “I need you to try and remember something from a really long time ago.”

“Why?” I shook my head.

“Just…please,” he gave a little malicious smile, “For me?”

I sighed, “What am I supposed to remember?”

“Think back to when you were first born—“

“Jacob, that’s insane!” I yelled at him.

“Just try,” he urged me, gently. “I’ll remind you if you can’t remember.”

I tried.

It was a ridiculous thing to ask of someone. No one remembered being born. Granted, my birth was not as long ago as most people my age, but still. I only vaguely remembered what I wore yesterday, let alone that. And what did my birth have anything to do with kissing Jacob?

“You were with your mother,” he tried. “And then she had to hand you off, because she was angry at me, and she didn’t want to expose you to unneeded violence. Do you remember that?”

“She did that all the time,” I shrugged and smiled. “You’re very annoying.”

“One of the first times,” he insisted, not even pausing to smile. “You were just a few days old. She was really upset.”

“Why?” I raised an eyebrow. “Does this have a point at all?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “You already know this. You may not remember, but you already know it.” He stopped and grinned wide, “You really are your mother, aren’t you?”

“I don’t what you’re talking about,” I shook my head.

“All right, strike one,” he sighed, giving up that strategy. “Uh, remember my friend Quil?”

“Yeah,” I narrowed my eyes. This was getting ridiculous.

“Okay,” he bit his lip. “Remember Claire?”

I crossed my arms, “Yeah.”

He didn’t say anything; he just stood there with his eyebrows raised, as if it was still my turn to speak.

I shook my head and thought. Quil and Claire? He’d been a friend of Jacob’s since he was little. She was Emily’s niece. She was starting middle school next year. He was…well, he was still in La Push…

“Oh,” I gasped.

Thoughts were racing through my head. Quil had imprinted on Claire. He had imprinted. It was suddenly very hard to breathe. Jacob? Imprinted? On…me?

“It’s okay, Carlie,” he looked so concerned.

“You,” I whispered. “Me?”

He looked in my eyes, and I could see my terrified reflection. He gave a nod, and I gasped. “I know it’s a lot to—“

“When?” I demanded impulsively, totally without thought. “Just now? You just imprinted now?”

He paused for a second, “That’s not really how it works.”

“Then—then when? Why…what’s…” My head was a mess. “I can’t breathe.”

“Shh,” he crooned. “It’s all right. It…it happened a while ago.”

“How long is a while?” I shot.

“Roughly, six years…?”

I almost fainted. My entire life! He’d been imprinted to me my entire life. “What?!”

“Please, Carlie. Please, just try and listen—“

“And you never thought it might be fun to tell me?!” Words kept filing out of my mouth, like a hungry group of high schoolers on their way out of class and into lunch. “I mean, God, Jake. All this time, I think you of all people…you would tell me anything! You’re—you’re my best friend, unequivocally! I’ve never kept a secret from you. Not once! And all this time you’ve been--?” The tears started coming back.

“I wanted to tell you, Carlie,” he looked so sad. “I wanted to; I swear I did. But your parents thought it would be better if I didn’t.”

“Why?” I nearly spat.

“They didn’t want you to feel…obligated, I guess,” he shrugged.

“Obligated?” I sneered.

“But, I mean,” he shook his head. “That isn’t how it works. I want to be whatever you want me to be. There was never any guarantee that you would…I mean, usually that’s how it happens, but…I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t…”

“That’s why,” I nodded. “That’s why I feel so…”

“No,” he held a hand up. “That’s why I feel…” he smiled deviously. “I don’t know why you feel…I guess, you’re ready?”

“Ready?” I spat. “What am I? Cookie dough?”

“No,” he smiled. “You’re so upset. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“No,” I shook my head. “You didn’t mean to do anything. You wouldn’t do anything. You would never have told me, would you?”

“Carlie,” he placed his hand on my cheek. “I wanted to…” His hand felt so normal on my skin, so right and natural. He bent down again, and I let myself be kissed. I was helpless. I wanted him so badly. “I love you, Carlie,” he whispered.

Now the tears fell. It wasn’t that he had never said those words before. He had said them too many times to count. …But he’d never meant that. There was a deep pain in my chest that stung. Part of me wanted to give the words back to him, for they were as real now as they had been all my life, but part of me was deathly afraid.

“I..” I pushed him away meekly, but he moved out of consideration. “I…need some…time…I think. I’m sorry.” I did not stay to see his reaction, which I’m sure was some combination of sadness and understanding.

I wiped my tears away fiercely, walking quickly back into prom. I scanned the dance floor for my friends, but couldn’t find them. Trying to breathe deeply, I walked uneasily back to the table.

“Hey, Loch Ness,” Justin and the rest of them had congregated there. “We were just going to come look for you.”

“We had a very complicated plan set up,” Scott nodded.

“There were blue prints and lasers,” he smirked.

“I was going to watch,” Melanie smiled.

“It was very thrilling,” Scott tilted his chin up, arrogantly.

“Sorry to ruin your plans,” I whispered hoarsely.

My voice made Justin look up at my face. I prayed that he could not tell I had been crying, “You okay, Loch Ness?”

“Fine,” I nodded, trying to smile. I grabbed my purse from my chair, “I think I just need some air. It’s…uh, it’s a little crowded in here.”

“Oh, okay,” he shrugged.

“Hey, Nessie,” Emily leaned her chin on her fist. “You loose Jacob somewhere?”

Oh! His name in her mouth stung. Jacob. Jacob belonged to me. He was mine. There was something familiar in that thought. Maybe I had known it all along.

“I think he smelled food,” I joked completely without tone. “I have to go.” I began to search the room for the exit.

“You want company? It can be kind creepy outside if you’re all alone,” he smirked.

I tried to be nice, “No. I don’t mind being alone. Please, stay here.”

His face looked like it had not worked, “Oh. Okay, sure.” He sat back down. “Hey, when you come back in, we’ll dance.”

“Uh huh,” I nodded, and moved away from my table giving them all a little wave.

The exit was not hard to find. I passed a girl in hysterics with her followers circled around her. “He ruined my Prom!” she bawled. “I waited for this for solong!”

For six years? I wanted to snap at her. I was incredibly grateful that Jacob had not come after me. But then again, he would know that was what I wanted. He was whatever I wanted. So, if I wanted a pet or a slave or a god or a personal stand up comic he would be that? How was that possible? How could I possibly change him like that?

I didn’t want to change him like that, though. I didn’t want to change him at all. I wanted him to be able to be whoever he wanted to be—whoever he was before I was born. How was it fair that he was different now, no matter how he claimed to be happy? Were the people who knew him before happy? Had I taken away their Jacob Black? Did Seth harbor some unspoken resentment towards me? Did my mother miss the way he was before me? I started to tear up again; I couldn’t bare that.

The night air was cool but sweet. There were limos waiting outside, all in a row. I was sure Carlisle’s was among them. I moved around to the side of the building, so that I couldn’t be seen.

I thought about what that magic word meant. Imprint. I’d heard it explained from Quil and Seth and Sam and Paul and even Leah, who all had either experienced it themselves or heard about it from each other. It was as if gravity shifted, and you no longer had a will of your own.

I shook my head. That sounded terrible. I did not want to deny Jacob his free will. I did not want him to wait on me hand and foot while I fell in love and married someone else. What kind of life was that? It didn’t seem at all fair.

Though it didn’t seem that was the life I was choosing for him to live. We had kissed, which means I had wanted to kiss him. A shudder ran through me. It was all a little much. He had somehow known that I wanted him to be…what? In love with me? How unbelievably selfish!

I took my hair out of its clip and let its pieces fall where they liked, then stared at the clip in my hands. I released it, and then clipped it again. Then released it and clipped it again.

Was this Jacob? Someone I could clip or release, as I liked? There was such an incredible sadness in it. I hated it. I hated me.

“Loch Ness!”

Oh God, I sighed, stunned at my prom date’s concern. What had I done to earn such attention? Why wasn’t he enjoying his prom?

“Justin,” I turned to him, barely trying to sound happy. “Please go back and enjoy Prom. I promise; I’m fine.”

He sighed, “Nessie. I…I like you…a lot.” I closed my eyes. Not two in one night. “And I don’t know what’s going on, but…I need you to know. I want to be with you. I don’t care about all that—the dresses and the dancing and the food—“

“You should eat,” I suggested. “I’m not hungry. I’ll come back later.”

He paused for a moment, frustrated, “No, I…I mean it. I’m staying with you. I think you’re incredible—“

“You’re wrong,” I turned away from him.

“See?” he smiled, as if I’d proved some point. “You don’t even know how incredible you are! You…you’re not like anyone else I’ve ever met.”

“Maybe that’s not a good thing,” I kept my head down, staring at my clip called Jacob.

“Of course it is,” he laughed. “But…I get it. You’re…you don’t know what you want. No one does. And…I mean, we don’t have to start anything, if that’s what’s wrong.”

“It has nothing to do with you, Justin,” I turned around, hating myself more for making him feel guilty about something. “I just…I’m going through something kind of…weird.”

“Well, why don’t you tell me—“

“No,” I demanded. “It’s really not the type of thing you can solve by venting. I’m sorry; I know I’m being a bitch, but…please, just go back inside. I really want to be—“

“Alone,” he finished. “I know. You said that before.”

“I’m sorry, Justin,” I shook my head. “You really are a great guy…and I admire your persistence. It’s…you’re saying all the right things and…if I were someone else…”

“I get it,” he shrugged. “It’s a ‘no’ after all. No double negative?”

I cringed, “No double negative.”

He nodded for what seemed like the longest moment in history. “Loch Ness?” he whispered.

“Yeah, Justin?”

“Do you think I could be alone…with you?” he smirked. I narrowed my eyes at him and he laughed, “I just…I told them I was going to check on you and…I just…I don’t feel like going back in and telling everyone just yet…”

“Oh,” I sighed.

“I won’t say anything,” he offered. “I’ll just stand here. You don’t even have to look at me. I just…please?”

I’d already been cruel enough to him tonight, “Okay, Justin. You can be alone with me.”

He smiled like a teenage boy and pointed past me, “Bench or wall?”

I followed his finger with my eyes and saw that there was, indeed a bench painted blue with numerous multicolored fish painted on it. I blushed and pushed myself off the wall, “Bench.”

We laughed a little and sat down. It was a little difficult to get back on my train of though with him there, but I held my clip in one hand and placed the other gently on my knee. After a few deep breaths, Jacob’s face was back in my mind.

There was a flip side I supposed. If he really were happy to be with me, then to let him go…ugh…would make him unhappy. A willing slave. My own willing slave? But, then again, what was love if not a total gift of oneself to another? Hadn’t my gravity shifted also? Was there anything I wouldn’t do for Jacob?

I smiled, not able to think of one.

Was I in love?

I smiled wider, letting happier tears begin to form. I felt so warm—so uncertain—so chaotic. Was this what love was? This undeniable force inside me? This need to have him around me? This craving for him to laugh, to smile, to be proud of me?

It was so incredibly warm.

I was in love!

“What?” Justin’s voice shocked me into reality. His face was shocked, terrified. His gaze moved down to the bench’s seat, and mine followed him.

Oh, no! My hand. He’d had my hand! I began to breathe very heavily.

“What was that!?” he stood up. “I—I…what the hell? Did you…?”

“Justin,” I tried to stay very calm. “I can explain…” No, no I could not. Not without killing my entire family.

“No,” he shook his head. “Loch Ness, I…That was…just, no!” he shook his head violently as he turned away in horror and began to run back towards the line of black limos.