Bella has a terrible nightmare about Edward and then, he comes back...
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1. Chapter 1
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I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t be in the mood to laugh anymore. The bathroom. Those words keep swirling in my head. I couldn’t count the things that went through my mind after reading this, so many things picturing Charlie or one of my friends… Anything but this. He told me once it was impossible to do this, well almost impossible actually.
My scream should’ve certainly terrified Jacob who was waiting for me outside, in front of the house ; he didn’t even have time to go upstairs, I was already running down to the front yard of my house. Anything but this. My mind had been a total blur for months because he left but on the other hand, I knew I couldn’t stand this. It should’ve been me, this was my place, not his; I still can’t speak or think properly.
I don’t want to be in that world anymore, I’ll write something, be selfish and go. There was no other way.
Bella, I don’t want you to come with me. That night was a new moon, when he told me this. I never tried to give a good impression to others, I just couldn’t. It wasn’t as if he killed me because I wanted him to kill me in a way, I wanted him to take my soul and make me his; what I felt right now was above every suffering a human can endure. He didn’t give me as much credit as he should have: even if I was only human, I felt and was still feeling some kind of supernatural love and passion for him. I’d never thought I’d experience something like this at seventeen but it happened. It happened that I wanted to leave everything, I wanted to give my all just for his sake, just to be with him for eternity. Time was passing but nothing changed, his face, his eyes, his sweet voice… Sometimes, it was overwhelming, my heart was racing and tears filled my eyes and I began to hyperventilate. It was something I never told anybody, not even Jacob, but this feeling like I was going to die was good because I could hear his voice so clearly, as if he was right there next to me. Hyperventilating was something that happened when I was all alone, especially at night, when I couldn’t find sleep – and it happened almost every night – my breath speeds up and then, I feel the horrible pain in my lungs. I know it’s mental, it’s psychological, I know it and I can only find a way to calm down: I have to think about the lullaby. That beautiful melody he used to sing to me before sleeping, as if I was a child, is able to calm my hyperventilation and helps me sleep.
I often thought about looking for him, or try to look for him, but he could be anywhere now… Maybe in the US, maybe in Brazil or in England, no way to know where he was, no way to know either if he was fine. That sounded stupid but sometimes, I had the feeling he’d never existed, just like he wanted it – It will be as if I’d never existed – because no one around me reminded me of him, no one at school had ever wanted to know more about him except me. I was the only one who had seen beyond the perfect and angelic face. At the beginning, I think Mike took the opportunity he has gone and that disgusted and annoyed me to death; couldn’t he understand love? But then, I locked myself up into this kind of shell I built and he let go and now is with Jessica.
Tonight, I definitely didn’t want to sleep. It’s been almost 5 months he left – I couldn’t even say his name in my mind, he was just “he” – and there was a place that was really pleasant to think about though: the meadow. I wasn’t sure I could find it by myself, but I had to try or I was going to spend the evening hyperventilating ; I went to my desk and moved the mouse a little to turn on the screen of my laptop. I looked for Forks on a map and found what I was looking for after several minutes checking the roads and the forest. That was it. I printed the map, took a compass that was somewhere among old books, took my keys and stopped. How on earth was I going to go out without awaking Charlie?? I took a deep breath and opened my window; I studied the height and winced. It was definitely too high – and I had so much bad luck that I was going to break my ankle or my wrist. I had to try to get down the stairs – hopefully there is a carpet spread on the entire stairs – very carefully. Of course, I could go tomorrow morning, when it’ll be daylight and Charlie wouldn’t mind my going for a ride but there was a full moon tonight, and I really wanted – and needed – to go now. Right now. I closed the window carefully and went toward the door, I managed to open it without noise and then began to go downstairs.