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Panic in Memories.

Summary:
This is basically a night during those months that Bella's a "zombie" and finds herself trying to make sure that she's not forgetting Edward.


Notes:


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 540   Review this Chapter

Its nights like these that hurt the most; when no matter how hard I try, I just can’t go to sleep. When I start to panic because I realize that I can’t remember if the golden color of your eyes is closer to Butterscotch or Honey. This is around the time that my breathing starts to accelerate and I can’t see past the relentless tears.
In my panic I pull back the memories that I try so hard to repress just to make sure that I have the color exactly right. Tonight the one that pops into my head is from that day in the hospital. I listen to the weak echo of your voice as you say that I need to go Jacksonville and that pain that rips through me is sickening. I hoped that thinking of this one wouldn’t hurt so badly because you’re talking about leaving me and that’s already happened, but it brings with it the memory that hurts the most.
It’s the day that you left me.
“Bella I don’t want you to come with me,” you say.
The memory is so strong and I just can’t take it. I literally can’t breathe now. I’m so breathless that I feel like I’m about vomit and I wonder if it’s possible to die of a broken heart…
I stop that memory dead in its tracks before it can hurt me anymore but instead of returning to the numbness that is my life preserver, another memory pops into my head before I can force it out.
It’s the day of my birthday and we’re watching Romeo and Juliet. The compassion in your voice as you talk about going to Italy because I’m dead hurts me again because I realize that when you’re say that you love me it’s not really true.
This memory isn’t as bad as the last one but I still can’t breathe and I’m so tempted to just stop breathing all together.
I stop right there again because the only thing stopping me from doing that is the memory of the day that I made the promise not to and that memory has already hurt me enough for one day.
Instead of pulling back more painful memories, I think about what would have happened if you had stayed- if you loved me. This hurts. I still can’t breathe but it’s not as bad as the memories.
I imagine you holding me right now. I imagine you singing my lullaby and gently pressing your lips to my hair.
I feel a sob building up in my chest and I realize that I was wrong when I said that the memories hurt more. My tears begin to fall harder and I try my hardest to stop them.
I take a deep breath and tell myself that that’s enough for one night. I focus on what we’re doing tomorrow in Calculus and sometime during that I finally fall asleep and face the dream that tells me that my life is gone and there is nothing to live for.
When I wake up the next morning I thank my lucky stars that my numbness is back and I’ll be able to get through another day without feeling anything.